BPDFamily.com

Hello I'm new here,

I'm in my 40s and I've recently gone no-contact with my mother with BPD. I'm struggling with guilt and PTSD symptoms as I continue no contact. My anxiety has decreased almost completely now that she's out of my life. But I've been feeling depressed. I think because I've finally admitted how dangerous she is and how much she has hurt me instead of going "amnesic" and forgiving and forgetting, the chronic abuse I suffered as a child feels more present and I feel sad a lot. As a child, my mother strangled me several times and chased me with knife 5 times (always after she had a fight with my drunken stepfather and he would storm out of the house). I confronted my mother about this when I was 26 and after vehemently denying at first, she said I should have known she was just "being dramatic" and I need to get over it. Well I spent an additional 20 years trying to get over it but despite much therapy, I can't get over it and just having her in my life triggers me constantly.

I feel so guilty. She did such a good job of making me her caretaker, I still have trouble putting my needs before her bottomless pit of needs. Thinking of my children's need helps me stay strong. They need me more than she does!

Anyway, no questions right now, just looking for community because despite knowing I'm doing the right thing for me and my young children, I keep second-guessing my decision.

Hi Neurotrace,

I’m so sorry you had to endure all that as a young child.  Chased by your mother with a knife, how traumatic  X 5, that must  be for a young child ? If it helps, I’m about your age and also have PTSD. But since being NC for several years I’m now seeing really good progress using CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy). I’m told you need to be in a relaxed state for CBT to work, so I was advised to go NC to lose the anxiety (good to hear that’s working for you also). Also we children of BPD tend to have Complex PTSD or sometimes called Developmental PTSD. It makes a difference in the approach they take in Therapy.

You also mentioned putting the needs of your mom before yours, I found it really hard to consider my needs for the first time, it takes practice, but to heal I had too.

Your point about feeling guilt over your mom making you a caretaker. No young innocent child stands a chance against the manipulation techniques of a BPD/NPD. They make the best conmen in the world. But it’s understandable you would feel the guilt (as I did) because they spend so long putting those thoughts there in the first place. But it’s certainly not your fault. In fact we should feel proud for surviving our childhoods (and the house of the flying knives), not guilt.

But welcome to our family, our forums. Here you can get validation, and it does sound like you’re doing the right thing, you’re bound to have second thoughts, it’s an important decision. You can always hook back up at any time or go low contact. You can even just fade to grey without announcing NC. But it does sound like you need to consider your needs in order to heal.  If you feel like sharing your thoughts or getting validation I look forward to hearing from you. |iiii

Hi neurotrace

You have been through a lot with your mom. I am very sorry you had these experiences.

A month has passed since you made this post. How are things now?

Many children of BPD parents find themselves struggling with depression and/or PTSD symptoms in their adult lives. Are you perhaps getting treatment/therapy to help you deal with these issues?

I encourage you to take a look at the Survivor's Guide for Adults who suffered childhood abuse, you can find it in the right-hand side margin of this board. The guide take you from survivor to thriver through 3 major stages: 1. Remembering --> 2. Mourning --> 3. Healing. When you look at the guide, where do you feel you are now? Are there any specific areas listed there that you currently find yourself working on or struggling with?

Take care and welcome to bpdfamily

Welcome, neurotrace.

I have not had contact with my BPDm for a number of years now. It was not easy coming to the decision or implementing it, and I felt a lot of anxiety about it as well. For me, that began to wane after several months. It's understandable you'd be feeling depressed as well. You have a lot to grieve.

Kwamina pointed out the Survivor's Guide, which is a good resource to start with. You're in the right place for support as you heal.

Wishing you peace,
PF