BPDFamily.com

Good Morning All !

  I was woken out of bed about a half hour ago by my husband. He was about to leave for work and decided to pick a fight about fans, yes FANS! My daughter (his stepdaughter) has two fans in her room at night because it is the hottest room in the house even with the a/c on. Well usually when his son comes on Tuesday night I take the fan out of her room and give it to my stepson so he can have one as well. Well, the other night was not hot and we had the windows open so I didn't think to take the fan out of my daughters room and put it in my stepson's room. Apparently my stepson was hot all night but I didn't hear about this until THIS morning at 4:30AM!   Mind you, he didn't say ANYTHING Tuesday night , Wednesday or Wed night. THIS MORNING he decides to pick a fight that his kid was roasting all night (I don't believe that since it was 60 degrees out with the windows open but he refuses to give up the claim that his son was soo hot).  He was yelling at me that I play favorites and that he hates coming home to my bull___ and that he doesn't want to come home anymore. The last thing he said to me before he got into the car was ":)on't call me! I don't want to talk or hear from you!" Less than five minutes later he calls me on my cell phone to try to justify his reasoning... .Sometimes i JUST CANT anymore  :'(

This comes out of NOWHERE! No matter how I walk on eggshells and make sure everything is "perfect" he still finds stuff to pick fights about. WHY?  :'(

Most likely this was building up from somewhere else and this issue was just the  straw to hang it all on. I wouldn't get to drawn into debating the fans.

He is an adult he could have solved the fan issue all on his own.

"I am not going to interact with someone who is so unreasonably aggressive" should be your principle here.

  Hi Waverer

   Thank You so much for your response. I can't even begin to guess what issue he had building up inside him, and even if I knew it probably wouldn't make sense to me.

Thank you for your kind words... .

Dot

You dont need to guess if he is not telling you.

You can only deal with what you are presented with. If that is bad behavior then you disengage from it so it affects you less. You can't make anyone else do anything, but you can limit what you are exposed to.

Dont waste energy and stress trying to second guess, thats not your responsibility. Trying to do so will only get you in further trouble usually.

Waverider

He's just always telling me how awful a parent I am because I don't have the same rules for everyone. Well, each child is an individual and I adjust and tweak where I need to... .but I am not unfair. His black and white thinking is just too much to take at times... .Im beginning to come to my wits end.

Hi DotinOz,

It sounds like his parent/s played favourites to me... .but as waverider said, the issue is not the source of his anger, but his way of tackling things and how you can avoid reinforcing his bad behaviour.

Love Lifewriter

Knowing the issue won't "solve" the current problem, it will just help you disconnect from it, if that makes any sense.  This isn't about fans - if it was, he could easily have moved it himself. Hell, the son could have asked for it if he was that uncomfortable. 

I posted about how H surprised me recently by keeping it together through some stressful travel and our wedding, but good times are usually followed by an unpredictable outburst, and after 2 weeks of pretty good, today he freaked over forgetting his own breakfast that I had prepared and bagged up for him.  I leave it on the dining table, he usually grabs it and stuff it in the satchel he carries to work. 

Today, I was pretty groggy and half awake, and so when we left, I did not notice he'd forgotten it.  This lead to an accusation of not wanting him to eat this morning, me not wanting a text barrage all morning so I quickly drove home (we live 5 min away), picking it up and delivering it to his office.  Unfortunately, I missed his 8 phone calls because my phone was in my purse and I don't always feel it go off, which translated to thinking I can ignore him now that we are married, thinking I am better, I can be divorced, he'll take charge of everything to prevent me from being "uppity" etc.

Basically, all the issues I'd foreseen coming up BEFORE the wedding are just now coming out.  And they are the same ones we've dealt with for years, and I figured this was coming.  He hates the idea of someone else "being in charge", it was a big deal with an abusive female boss he had, and so I get all the emotional garbage left over from her, H's sister, H's mother, and even issues with his friends.  And jokes from people about "your life's over / say goodbye to your balls / etc" don't really help.  We were together 20 years before getting married.  I am not some jealous 16 year old.  Those jokes are based on stereotypes that have little to do with me or us, but I know to him they form part of his reality, that I am really some sneaking woman out to get him ans stuff him into an armchair until I need something heavy lifted.  To him, this somehow makes sense, even if nothing in our lives plays out like this (I have worked to supoprt us more years, have recently gotten a promotion of sorts, and take care of what I call the majority of "grown up" things in our lives - I love being with him when Mr. Hyde stays away, and even love him when Mr. Hyde shows up, it's just a bit harder). 

I think sometimes "medium chill" and radical acceptance are what help me through these things, where a mole hill I'd never seen is suddenly Mount Everest and also my fault.  I know better, most of the time, and so I do my best to listen, validate HIS feelings without allowing his interpretation to become my own.  I try to keep my own emotions level, to not escalate things, and let him run his course.  Right now, work separates us for a few hours, so I am effectively "taking a break", and have a meeting to go to in 30 min, so he can't msg me from his office while that is going on.   

If they were angry when it made sense (even for immature reasons), it wouldn't be BPD. 

I once compiled a list of reasons my wife had yelled at me. Not irritation, full-fledged rage. Here are a few of them.

• I talked to her while she was writing a Facebook post.



• I didn’t spend enough time sympathizing with her fear of thunderstorms.



• I hadn’t replied to a text.



• I ate my food faster than she did.



• I suggested that we have leftovers for lunch.



• She couldn’t find her car keys.

I came up with 87 reasons before I quit. It was too depressing.

Thank you all for your responses! Flourdust wow it's like you are writing my story! In my heart of hearts I find it hard to believe that it's really about FANS also :) I mean he kissed me goodbye for work and went downstairs.  10 min later he comes back up and starts yelling at me at 4:30 am about putting an extra fan in my daughter's room. Being Borderline could it just be that he wanted to yell about something? How can you be so irate over something at 4:30am?

I doubt it's often that conscious.  The fan invalidated the importance of his son's needs, ie his needs, and while he's a grown up who could easily have A) bought another fan B) moved it himself C) told his son to grab it if he's hot at night and everyone forgot to move it, the emotions told him it was YOUR job to take care of it, and by not doing it, he's justified in being mad at you.  These are adults who in many ways had some sort of growth and coping ability stunted at about age 2. 

I am not saying they are children, but sometimes their skillset is little better than that of a child.  He saw something he did not like, and it's almost always personal.  With my H, nothing is chance.  It's always "someone's fault" and he also lacks the ability to express anger without a human being to target it at.  I can rage at an empty room, crying and carrying on if I absolutely need to just let is all out.  I grew up in a bad household, and unapproved emotions were forbidden, and so my only "safe" time to express anger or hurt is when I feel safe and alone, with no judgement.  H is the opposite.  He can be totally quiet if I am out of the room, seething in rage at say a video game.  The minute I walk in, he starts opening raging at the TV, because he needs that audience to be present for the anger, even if I am not the cause in any way shape or form. 

Your H apparently saw the fan as a invalidation of his feelings for his son's comfort, you should magically know this, and are not allowed the option to forget to move the fan to solve it.  A person wih normal emotional control, in most cases, would be "doh, we forgot to move the fan, sorry son, hey, let's go to Walmart and grab an extra one so this doesn't happen again."  A person wBPD doesn't make it that far down the logic train track.  They get stuck at the station with "I am unhappy - whose fault is it?  Can't be mine... .must be "insert name here".

It's normal to look for the "why" of the outburst, but it's also not like you can use this knowledge directly to logically discuss it.  It's not about logic.  It's about emotions.  Start with "he's upset... .how to I not make it escalate? Do I have a way to take a break?  Can his feelings be validated in a way that might head this off before it gets worse?  Can I let most of it blow over me without accepting damage from it?" 

Thanks so much everyone and Isilme. What you said makes so much sense. Whoever said that about "something happening around age 2" could be true to my H. He was given up for adoption at a year old. Put in an orphanage for 8 months, and then adopted by my mother and father in law (wonderful people) at 20months. I wonder if he felt a sense of abandonment by his birth parents by the adoption, yet I doubt you can remember things from when you were 20months old? He also has a sibling who is blind (his mother had a natural child a year after he was adopted) and I wonder if his brother was given all the attention?  Whatever his deal is and why ever he has BPD I just wish he could "snap" out of it sometimes and realize that he will eventually lose me if it doesn't stop. Sometimes I wonder if he ever loved me at all  :'(

I can't speak for him, but can only say th more you read and the more you look at the lessons you can learn how you can change your own feelings and reactions to his dysregulations.

You can't change him or his actions, but working on yourself DOES make a difference.  I found this site a while back, when I was thinking of leaving - we'd been together 12-15 years by that point.  The rages and fights were awful, and I was bringing a lot of my own fleas and poor emotional management to them. Setting a boundary about what you will and wont accept is something you can do, and it isn't like this big proclamation of "I have set a boundary, you will respect it".  I privately told myself that when I can, I will not be available to be yelled at.  If this means a trip to the store, going out to mow the lawn, or leaving the room once I feel I can, I do so.  Sometimes this is called "taking a break".  I can't always do it - 4am is not a time I'd want to go mow the lawn to get away from being yelled at.  Sometimes the storm comes and you have no safe harbor and have to weather it. 

Validation - you can validate how your H feels without accepting responsibility for him feeling that, or even for the actions he's accusing you of.  Yes, the fan should be moved.  There are apparently up to 4 people in this house at times, and any one of them could have thought to move it.  "I understand your sons's discomfort is upsetting.  No one would want to be hot and unable to sleep."  Done.  Depending on his state, solutions may or may not be offered, but not in a "don't be upset" way.  I tell H, "of course you are upset.  It's okay to be upset. I am not telling you to not be upset."  Sometimes I am upset too, like when the TSA was a taking forever on our return trip last week.  He was starting to go off, and then he somehow noticed I was just as upset as he was, and backed off.  It was not something he can usually do.   

Accepting that this is part of the person you are with - radical acceptance.  Things CAN change, but this will always be there, just like any other condition, like someone being physically disabled or chronically ill - it's really the same thing, it's just not as easy to see BPD as it is a wheelchair.  My H is emotionally disabled at times.  That can mean he's bad at handling bad emotions, or even bad about expressing good ones.  It's not about hurting you - that is a byproduct of your closeness to a pwBPD.  They hurt.  They want others to feel their pain, so they find a way to make it happen.  This may be starting a fight over nothing.  It my be deliberate poking at you.  The ultimate goal, I think, is not really to hurt you, but to make you share their pain, and in doing so take it away.  Anyway, once you can let some of the anger and crazy things said roll off like water on a duck's back, you won't be reactive yourself, and the anger, rage and arguments can sometimes fizzle away.

I guess the big thing is this is not about fans.  It's also not really important what the main trigger was - he needed to yell about something, for any reason, and it happened.  As the higher functioning, more emotionally resilient person (think the able bodied person if he was disabled), what do YOU choose to do?

pwBPD rarely work through their emotions to completion in a way it subsides. They tend to flick a switch and quarantine it into their memory banks. This is how they seem to magically get over issues while you are still simmering. But they are not really over it, it is simply filed away.

Down the track when something triggers them these locked away similar memories are pulled out with the same force they originally had, and then molded in a way as to validate, and provide examples, as to why they have every right to that emotion. This simply compounds and amplifies. It is why some distant issue seemingly long forgotten about gets added to this list with startling detail (even if the context is twisted).

This is why the fan issue becomes a representation of a whole list of unresolved issues. The problem is because pwBPD dont work through their issues properly, they are never resolved. The list just grows.

If you dispute this issue they see it as disputing and invalidating their feelings on all these other issues, hence in their eyes you can never have their back, as you always argue. Based solely on what you are doing now.

Now is forever, and forever is now. There is no separation.

Arguing about fans today means you will always argue so they need to divorce you as its pointless continuing as you have nothing in common... etc... etc

WOW Waverider!

Your post brought me to my KNEES   Thank you so much for that. It is EXACTLY what my husband does and says. Everything you said is EXACTLY how he perceives my "flaws and faults". I am going to print it out and carry it with me as a reminder that what he does and says is not 100% my fault. Thank you so much !

Dot

Well about a week of normal and lots of ups and hugggy kissy and now Im the biggest douchebag b___ that ever lived. lol  Its good that I can laugh about it now cause I used to cry and my stomach acid would churn so bad that I got ulcers. Everything was fine until he saw that I "liked" someone's Facebook post; apparently I shouldn't have "liked" this Facebook post because this guy got into a political discussion with him and things got heated and they said nasty guy crap to one another. My husband said he was not bothered by it so I thought it was all in good fun. Well apparently I wasn't informed that I was not to like my friends posts :) I was called up on the phone on the way home and screamed at and told "___ off" ... .oh joy, can't wait till he gets home. Any advice on dealing with this when he comes home? Im just learning how to deal with his BPD so any advice is VERY appreciated! xoxo

Dot in Oz 

P.S.

I cannot leave tonight , the kids are here and I don't want to make things worse !

Any chance that if you click unlike on the post, he'll suddenly go back to being a nice person? No? 

If only it was that easy... .

I'm really sorry this is happening. Can you leave and take the kids with you? Or tell him not to come home?

Hey Flourdust

Thanks for the response. No I can't leave tonight. He is coming home with HIS  8 year old son, my stepson. We have him on Tuesday nights into Wed. My kids are 11 (twins) and I try to "fake" stability as much as I can.  I also think leaving for the night would enrage a borderline more, no? Your comment about unliking the post made me laugh haha! I actually DID unlike it but he still told me its the principle that matters. WOW, sometimes I just can't lol

Should i validate his feelings but saying it was wrong of me to do that? Oh Lord I will do anything to make it better  :'(

You don't validate his feelings by saying you were wrong... .

You validate by saying you understand how he can feel annoyed. You can understand that the other person angered him or challanged him or whatever, and that it's completely understandable that he doesnt' want to be associated with him. You validate that you liking a post could make him feel like you were supporting the other person (all or nothing) and you understand he could feel betrayed, because you and him ARE a team and you should stick together. Then "I'm sorry my actions made you feel bad. I love you and support you". 

You are not saying what you did was wrong. You are saying you are sorry that something you did made him feel bad, and you are validating that he can/does/is allowed to feel bad.

Hey DotinOz:   

Sorry about your situation with your husband.  Guess you can't be in opposite political parties.  From what I keep reading, appears as if Facebook instigates a lot of problems for BPD individuals.  You hate to be paranoid, but I'm suspecting life without Facebook might make life easier when a BPD is in the mix.

I'll make this post quick and offer a couple tutorial links.

Below is a link to some info. about validation.  The SET tutorial might be helpful as well.

VALIDATION TUTORIAL:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation

SET TUTORIAL:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

While I think validating feelings is important- I also think it is important to not become enmeshed with a reality we don't agree with. In fact, I don't think that helps the person with BPD. There are often numerous issues- the problem isn't that you "liked" your friend's post- it was the underlying feeling about it.

Pw BPD have trouble managing their feelings and identifying the source of those feelings. Projection- "you did this to me" as opposed to " I feel upset" is a common viewpoint. In the moment, he felt something- jealousy, abandonment, whatever- he got triggered- and in that moment- it was the worst thing ever and YOU did it. Since pwBPD have trouble managing their feelings, they tend to have rages and outbursts to get those feelings out of them.

Often, I have found that once these outbursts are over, the pwBPD can feel better- but you don't. It is similar to a kid with a stomach ache. The child vomits, feels better and then you are covered in puke.

Arguing or explaining during these times seems to do little good, because they are not in a position to think rationally while they are upset. It is sometimes possible to discuss things later, depending on how upsetting the situation is.

Changing who you are- walking on eggshells- is a slippery slope because IMHO, the process exists as a function- to get rid of bad feelings and there are many triggers. This was something I didn't understand. I would hear that "I didn't care about him" if I forgot to buy a favorite food, so I would run to the store to make things better, but it was something else next time. The "liking" the friend's post happened to be the "reason" at the moment. There seems to always be a "reason".

For me, the "reason"s diminished when I held on to my own reality- didn't react or buy into the accusations. If being accused of something- I would not react- I would think- is this reasonable? IMHO, raging over liking a post on FB is over the top. I don't buy into that. I might say " sorry that you feel this way- in the moment, and then continue to like or not like something as I wish.

I would avoid FB drama because it is drama- and that doesn't interest me. FB does seem to be a place for BPD drama- but I'm sure that drama existed elsewhere before FB. But that doesn't mean avoiding FB altogether. You can talk to your friends, "like" posts or not. You can be who you are. Not being as reactive to the moods and rages helps not only you but your partner as you can keep a stable stance during these episodes.