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I know I'll never know the answers and I will not talk to her or follow back and I'm keeping complete no contact, its exactly a year since I was cruelly split black and replaced suddenly for no reason, they seem happy from what I hear... curious to hear peoples opinions on why she might have followed me on Instagram as I rarely use it and have no photos shared...

my guesses as to her reasons are...

1. She has followed me to encourage me to follow her back and see her 100's of photos living a happy life with him in order to cause me more pain and hurt?

2. she wants to be friends and is sick enough to think I would be after all the evil she served me during our 4 years together.

3. she is not happy with him and misses me and regrets cheating on me and throwing me in the trash coldly... which I doubt

4. she wants us to be friends because she can't live with her guilt and would make her feel better knowing I'm cool with her and its all history... (NEVER!)

5. she is infact very happy and glad she destroyed me and ruined my life and is just trying to be nosey to see what I'm up to as I blocked her on fb and went no contact

6. just to try suck me in so she can gaslight and use me to drive her new bf crazy...


who knows this is full blown BPD and other disorders I'm dealing with... .

I will not give her a single reason to think I'm thinking about her... when in truth the past year ive been traumatized and been in bed in a dark room mostly battling my thoughts and processing all the pain she caused me, I'm still totally crushed but understanding that she has a serious mental illness keeps me sane... I have got to a point where I have to stop studying all the behaviour I experienced and just put it down to her illness

They all seem valid reasons but it doesn't matter as you're not playing the game. I admire your strength x

Yep, I could have made that list myself.

Keep ignoring her. No matter what. Which I'm sure you already know to do. I think if anything you should block her if you can. The largest thing you can say to her is by saying nothing.

I'm sorry for how much you have been hurting. I can really relate with you. It takes you to such a dark place. I'm glad that you can realize that it's her mental illness, and that that helps keep you sane. I didn't know about BPD, so I spent two years driving myself insane. It was horrible. I really feel for you in this. They just got to pick at you. Just remember that YOU are so much better than this cruel person. Who the hell is she to treat you like this? She has no right. Remember who YOU are.

Thank you, sounds like you know how it feels, I must remain NC... if she ever directly contacts me it will hurt me a lot, I will not reply... if I did it would only be to say please leave me alone but the best way as you say is to pretend they don't exist like they did to us during the cruel discard and replacement, if she feels 5% of the pain I feel/felt over all this I would be satisfied with that

Just blocked her on Instagram, hopefully that will send her the message, or perhaps even blocking is showing i care or give a dam, perhaps i should let it lie and leave her unblocked and just not use Instagram, she is trying to mess with my head... its working

Your silence speaks more than words. I have the Same problem and have simply abandoned my insta for now. Once again, I applaud your courage, keep being true to yourself X

Just think about what you need for yourself. I know that rabbit hole of asking over and over what would say what. God, I so relate to that (being all over the place). It does yourself so much damage to question. The truth is she'll take it however she wants, and you have no control over that. Think only about what you need for yourself, and focus, literally mediate upon that. What you need is this person out of your life, and to heal. You know that having any connection to her is damaging and causes you so much pain. So that is why you blocked her. I don't know how narcissistic she is, so she might take things as any attention is attention. But if she has BPD, any rejection will still effect her. She can pretend to paint it however she wants, but you rejecting her will still effect her. The best thing you can say to these ppl is NC and giving them nothing from you. That's exactly what you are doing. So meditate upon that, and be proud of you. Don't let your head spin in those questions. We are so similar in that. KNOW the truth, and that is by focusing on the choices you are making for yourself.

Thank you, given it a little thought and will just leave her blocked... it sends a clear message that I don't want any contact as it hurts me tremendously, I still get flash backs all day long so I don't need to be seeing how in love she is with my replacement, honey moon period is perhaps wearing off and the mundane daily routine of going to work and living with him might be causing bordem to kick in, they work together that's how the affair started... she haunts my thoughts from the moment i wake and throughout the day till i go to sleep, the only way to get her out of my head is to remain NC and let the years pass, strangely I think of her suffering and it makes me feel sorry for her again sometimes... from one human to another... I'm a very caring person and compassionate, shows you how deeply stuck in the fog I was still loving her after all she did during the relationship, i never gave up on her... .but then i remind myself of the utter evil she did to me when all i gave her was my true love and companionship, the betrayal was/is unfathomable in regards to cruelty, i hope this time next year I'm completely indifferent to that experience

so lets examine that. odds are theres not a lot of thought to her following you on instagram and we can only speculate on why she might have. focusing on yourself here is good advice.

this stirred up a lot of feelings. what are they?

I can relate with you a lot, Rickybee. Keep focusing on you. Blocking her seems like the best choice because you are hurting so much. I know how that feels. These ppl completely derail your lives with their cruelty. It's horrible. I think in light of what once removed said, keep thinking about how you are feeling. Keep processing them. Let that bell of your feelings ring out until it's done, and then you can and will feel indifferent.

I can relate to this but, I use Flickr to post my photos... We have never shared ANY social media sites in common with the exception of one : Flickr : A photo based web site only, it was the first of its kind to share photos on the web. We became  “friends “ on Flickr early in our relationship because we both enjoy photography. HOWEVER, she never used it during the entirety of us being together (all on 2015 one year) because she photographs in an iPhone based camera app Hipstamatic and likes Instagram more because she its easier for her to post directly out of the app  + she claimed has ‘more friends and a bigger following there’.  99.9% of her photos are always posted there — until a 2 weeks ago.

Now, she fully knows Flickr is the only place where i post all my recent photos, as i do not have Instagram account. . And, suddenly out of no where she has now begun to post her pictures to Flickr now as well. I will add she has not posted a photo to Flickr since January 2015 - over a year ago now... .Regrettably, I checked her Instagram account and she is in fact double posting her photos there as well. Is this for me? Or...

I haven't blocked her yet because well, to me that would show it bothers me, if at all this is designed so I can see them... . and I don't want her think it bothers me so, I'm letting it fly. Admittedly, though... I'm always eager and expecting  new post form her... I'm wondering why, she hasn't blocked me yet... she's posting pictures of flowers and  lovely sunrises...

Good advice, thanks for your replies... @once removed... I guess today this makes me feel a bit scared, like she isn't done with me... like eventually she will find away to directly contact me or something

@mars its a mind f&%k isn't it, I feel for anybody who can relate

Conclusion... I'm not playing her game anymore I'm giving her no power anymore

question: are you done with her?

I see your point but yes I am done with her, not done fully with what she did to me and what i experienced but certainly done with her and now there is nothing there but pain... when i say scared i mean... i read a lot that eventually they usually always get in touch in some way... not scared of being pulled back in i don't want her after what she has done and after knowing somebody else has been f&%king the girl I loved... not to mention she is a very poorly girl with a lot of serious issues, i just never could go back even if she wanted that, which I'm sure she doesn't

As desperately alone and crushed as i am, I could never be involved with her in any way, she is a very dangerous woman

Does this make sense? perhaps sounds a little contradictory

Makes perfect sense to me.

My guess is she isn't so "happy."

1. If she is truly BPD she doesn't have the capacity to be happy.

2. She wouldn't try to "poke the bear" so to speak if she were truly happy.

My guess is she either wants to triangulate and/or recycle. Think of it this way: if she cheated on you with him, what's to stop her from cheating on him with you?

@sweet tooth... .poke the bear... funny to me as she use to call me bear... ps yes possibly could be those reasons... and yes she is BPD/OCD/NARC... .but only officially diagnosed with BPD and clinical depression, and yes she was never happy when I knew her when things were going well she suffered and was haunted by her demons, i believe during the times she was clearly having dark thoughts and struggling whilst i knew her i think she was feeling intense shame and guilt over what she had done in her past to people... maybe she sometimes has a moment where she realises just how awful she treated me when i was a decent guy and loved her and committed to her

i dont think anyone expects you to have fully processed the grief, or not to be triggered by her contact. its important to recognize where we are, and act accordingly. whats in her head, her motives, we can only speculate on (and it can keep us stuck), but if you are done with the relationship, thats about all she can do. if it effects you, its a good idea to take the steps necessary to emotionally protect yourself - not necessarily to send a message.

Thanks I agree, I have to protect myself from more hurt I guess is the moral of the story... but boy o boy how I would love to be a fly on the wall in their relationship and see whats going on, maybe it is not so perfect and they ain't working out, maybe she has regrects... stuff ill never know, it shouldnt matter to me... and when it no longer does ill know I'm over all this

i dont know whether or not it should matter to you. the fact is it does. its a good place to explore: why does it matter to you?

This is how messed up I am, today I can't stop thinking about why this Instagram thing, I did really love her... what she did was so bad she ruined any chance of us ever being friends, these people really do think they can do whatever they want, when they want, with who they want,and if it hurts your feelings they get angry at you for being hurt... that was something that happened a lot during the relationship... just reflecting... on the good and the bad, the good was perfect and all I ever wanted, the bad was beyond believe and truly evil and heartless

That is what I'm having a lot of trouble with. I cannot agree more with the bold statement. My ex is simultaneously an angel and a demon and it's causing me a lot of cognitive dissonance.

So.,Ive just been told she has deleted her FB account... something is going on there... my guess is that her world is falling to pieces, that was the only time she would delete her account whilst we was together... part of me strangely feels sorry for her if that's the case, that's my own issues, strange that I can still care after all she did, she didn't give a dam about ruining my life and abusing my love so I shouldn't care, if she ever killed herself it would destroy me more I think, these were the worries I had when I was with her, my heart would break to see her in distress or suffering from her illness, I felt sorry for her, was all that heartbreaking behaviour manipulation to get sympathy from me at the time? don't know but it messed my head up, ill remain NC ... that is all speculation btw all I can go on Is the person I knew and the problems I seen whilst we were together... need to stop asking the questions

Ricky bee, yes remain NC and try not obsess about her, what she's doing and why... etc. This quite honestly can mirror an addiction. As, I'm dealing with that right now. We must have the will to distract ourselves and realize, one person does not complete our identity. We don't need them. Yes, you were on love once. But, we must look in the future focus on what we are doing, not what they are doing. Trying to figure out all the details and puzzles pieces will only set you back from focusing on yourself. And in turn it is taking you freely out of the moment.

I know its tough but, lets both try our best to use logic here. I too am struggling as well.

Have fun tonight,

cheers.

I took down ALL of my social media pages this past weekend after I discovered she was using dummy accounts to cyber stalk me while blocked. This week, my exBPDgf didn't come outside for lunch once and it has been absolutely beautiful out this week. Like you, I highly doubt that was coincidental.

Wow, you nailed all the key points within this post. I can relate!

My guess is number 2! I keep wondering why my ex is letting me continue to use his netflix account... .I think its some way of him still having a little attachment to me. I think that would be the case for you as well.

I am dying to know this as well... .I keep telling myself he is doing the same things he did before, just a bit different to suit her personality. I saw him do it with her in the beginning when he had her apologizing for her behavior and he was so tickled over it. It was sickening. We only see what they want us to see. We already know how they are... ."It is just a matter of time."  That reminds me of that Randy Travis song of the same title... .

YUP, as mentioned  - my xwBPD traits never liked using Flickr to post her photos... but now, she seems to be sharing her photos with me on Flickr and knows full well, its the only site i use and enjoy using to show and appreciate photography. Am i suppose to *like* her photos? Am i suppose to reach out and comment about her photos.

OR — Is she clueless about me even being on there? ... Or does it really mean nothing and at all and I'm just creating this little 'photo post game' in my mind?

Yes, I think that is the reason.

Just thought I'd add my thoughts.

I had something similar happen to me just over a week ago on Instagram. I know there's only so much you can read into these things, but I know my ex well, and I loved the 'poke the bear' phrase that someone used here. To me, his action felt very much like a poke the bear action. He is very cowardly (his actions during the breakup further emphasised this cowardice to me) so I'm 90 per cent certain that him reactivating our blog's account was some lame attempt at getting my attention. I doubt he's matured enough over the last 12 months to act any other way, so when I look at the facts, this is how I interpret his action.

It triggered me instantly as I wasn't expecting it, so I understand how you feel. My heart was pounding, I was on edge the following day, and I had anxiety for three days afterwards.

If you want to protect yourself then I'd recommend blocking her account. That's what I ended up doing. It was awful while I was doing it (I needed my friend to come on Skype and talk me through it!) but once it was done I felt I regained the power back.

If someone who's emotionally healthy wants to talk to you, they will talk to you. To me, these small seemingly meaningless (and yet fully loaded) actions some of our exes take are now highly insulting to me. I'm not a bloody mouse scurrying around, hoping for my ex's crumbs. In the past, an action like this would have probably left me hoping for more. I wouldn't have blocked him through the fear of him interpreting it as me closing the door in his face. As a result, I would have left myself vulnerable and undoubtedly invited more crumb throwing.

Now? Not only have I closed the door, I've slammed it. I don't want his crumbs.

I guess my point is by wondering why they do whatever they do, we give them power. They don't deserve that power. They need to recognise their mistakes and get healthy. But they're not doing that, hence why they result to acting out when things start to go wrong for them. I don't know about you, but I don't want to only be remembered when my ex's world is falling apart. It will make no difference to my life and I have no interest in being recycled if his marriage fails.

Block her. Take your power back. Put the emphasis back on yourself. It's now been more than a week since I blocked him and I barely think about the whole thing now. Plus, it's made me feel empowered and has shown me how far I've come over the last horrific year.

Hopeful

yeah... I think what I'm going do is abandon my posting photos on the site for now... just not participate in the game. Blocking her or unfollowing her in my opinion shows for good or bad, I'm acknowledging her.