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I'm in so much pain, imagining how lush it was together, wishing for the past, seeing him on insta sweet talking to other vulnreable girls who are all over him. I have cut contact except this, I am self destructing  :'(

Reach out for help if you're in trouble Raspberry and trust that I and many others have been where you are. You are not alone and if you need immediate help don't wait until you're in an even worse place.

Raspberry,

You sound really upset and I'm sorry for the pain you are in.  I don't know enough about your story but who broke up with whom and what caused the breakup? 

It helped me to remember the bad, chaotic, irrational times and realize that those made the good times not so good anyway.  You can't view them as separate.  Think of a car.  If the side of the car is beautiful and perfect but the front end of the car is all smashed in and undriveable... .You have to look at the whole picture... .it is not a good car to have. 

What is causing you the most pain right now?  work on one thing at a time.

Bunny

I understand this pain and am going though it very similarly right now. I have gone NC with my ex uBPD gf for just about 3 weeks now, but I have found myself looking at a mutual friends FB page just to see if she has posted pictures of them going out since. It is very self destructive. It is the OCD that comes with the end of the break up... .any break up whether with someone with BPD or not. The problem is that we go into a sort of memory trans where we only can remember the good things and when we do think of the bad things we dismiss them immediately. As we know when you are painted white by your BPD partner... .things are GREAT! So when we are spending are time remembering only those times... .damn it sucks and why did we leave them again? Remember why you did choose to leave and that those bad times should not simply be waved off with a shrug of the shoulders... .they were bad! At least in my case I know they were... .yet somehow I still miss her... .it's crazy!

All you can do is find other things to do with your time, "fake it until you make it" has a lot of truth behind it. Fake being happy and doing other things, going out with friends, and eventually you'll find you are happy again. Also, highly recommend a therapist if you don't have one already. Anyway, I feel your pain, I really do, hang in there.

Hey Raspberry:

I believe I read in one of your previous posts that you were in the relationship for 8 weeks.  Those early weeks/months are when we get to know each other.  That is the time when we look for red flags and signs that something isn't right.  Some people miss those early signs and hang on for years of misery (and regret that they didn't get out early).  You may have dodged a bullet.

I know that social media can have a strong draw, kind of like a train wreck - you feel like you have to keep looking.  Why torture yourself and keep looking?

Have you thought about taking steps to meet some new people?  It is a great time of year to connect with others who may share some of your interests and activities.  Go out and have some fun! Take up a new hobby, go hiking or biking, take up a new sport.

You might find the article and thread below helpful - "From Idealization to Devaluation"  (several pages of dialog)

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.0

Don't hesitate to get a little help from a therapist.  Many of us get stuck and need someone to help pull us out of the hole.

Hang in there!