BPDFamily.com

My 20 year relationship with a BPD caused major damage.  I was able to escape that in 2013, but lost a lot.  I spent all the money I had trying to gain 50% custody of my children, but they were alienated from me and that ultimately failed.  They still barely interact with me despite me being a very involved dad.

The experience changed me, and I can't seem to have a normal relationship since then.  About 8 months ago I met the love of my life.  We both had been through a lot due to bad marriages and nasty divorces.  Last night, somehow a minor argument turned into a break up and I do not know where to turn or how to cope.  I think going no contact is the way to go because there were unresolvable differences between us, but I can't stop thinking about her.  I need coping strategies as I've never felt this way about anyone before, even though I am 51 years old.

Hi France,

You have been through a lot, a 20 year marriage to someone with BPD, a difficult custody battle, and then the alienation of your kids. Now this break up to someone you love. It's a lot of suffering and you must be feeling bewildered.

Do you suspect that she may also have BPD or BPD traits? It is certainly a sign when a minor argument turns into a drastic argument. Maybe we can help you make sense of what happened. Do you feel comfortable sharing what happened?

What unresolvable differences did you experience? Have you ever had an argument with her before, and if so, what happened?

Glad you found the site and reached out. We're here to walk alongside you during this rough patch.

LnL

Well some history might help.  My ex was extremely jealous, over the years I withdrew from friends due to the embarrassment of the scenes she would cause.  However, about 7 years ago I had an affair.  Honestly I was so lonely and constantly being accused of it anyway, so I did it.  She of course used that against me, the marriage fell apart and it was my fault for the affair -- it had nothing to do with the years of emotional abuse -- and she let the kids know that all the time.  Her fears were her reality, so I had multiple girlfriends, did not love them, etc, etc.  She was a work at home mom and had more time with them alone, while I continued to assume the best course was to shield them from that.  We separated in March 2012 and divorced in April 2013.

I bought our marital home out with the hopes of repairing the damage done to my relationship with my kids.  Trying to recreate what we had but also building on it, but it has been rough.  My son, now 19, stopped visitation on his 18th birthday, October 2014.  My daughter (17) still visits but we are not nearly as close as we once were.  I do not want to give up on my son.  I know eventually he will come back to me but it hurts.  We did everything together, I was a boy scout leader and founder of a troop for him, helped him get his Eagle, did many Scouting activities together, we played board and video games all the time.  Honestly, in the absence of friends my boy was like my best friend.

The girl I met lives 60 miles away in a densely populated suburb very close to NYC.  I moved my family out to rural NW Jersey.  When the relationship started to get serious she indicated being open to moving into my house.  Hers was being repossessed.  Her ex spouse did not provide any spousal support while she knew the support I was paying -- I guess that was part of the attraction -- a man that took care of his obligations even after everything that was done to him.  I knew right away that this was the woman I had been looking for an I could help her!

However, we had an argument in March that changed everything.  She did exhibit some very controlling behaviors during that, and has managed to turn some of it around as if it where my fault even though it seemed clear to me the entire argument was almost manufactured to be a victim.  Since then we have been trying to put it back together.  She knows I am desperately trying to repair the relationship with my son anyway I know how, and my house is one way I hope to rekindle some of it.  But now, she is saying she will never move near me, even though it makes no sense for two of us to both move to a new place, especially since I am not in a position to sell, would have to rent my house, etc. 

We continued dating even though the where to live argument is hanging over our heads.  Friday night it came up again, and I, as I always do, stated my side of the argument.  She used the "if you loved us (her and her 3 kids 10 and 7 yo twins) you would do what you needed to do" and basically began to mock me for my attempts to regain my son (we had a party to go to Saturday night.  It seems to me she also seems to time some of these arguments to when there is a big event).  I became angry at that and she asked me to leave.  We had been out drinking that night, I didn't have any money to stay anywhere -- and she knew that -- so I basically had to drive the 60 miles back to my house even though I was not comfortable doing so.

In the past with these arguments she shared it with all her family and friends to look like the victim, while I prefer not to share anything unless I have to, reasoning first impressions are lasting ones and I don't want my family to hate her.  So now, we have yet another argument that she will paint as me being the bad guy. 

But worse I think it's really over. 

As I read the above I realize she is a messed up person but so am I.  It doesn't matter.  Right now I can't let go.  All the hopes and dreams I've had of finally having a happy family life were within my grasp and now I've lost them again.  She even indicated a willingness to have another child for me.  I sit in my house alone again, with very little ambition to do anything, no friends, nowhere to go and no one to talk to.

That must have hurt that she mocked your attempts to regain your son, France. I imagine it felt like wounding what is already a very tender wound. And she has a support network where she shares her feelings. You are more discrete and less likely to characterize her in ways that could harm her reputation.

A long BPD marriage can make it feel like there are no boundaries, no positive ways to resolve conflict. It can really wear a person down.

We end up feeling chronically on the defensive, feeling driven to justify, argue, define, and explain (JADE). We have let our boundaries erode for so long that we cannot give even one inch when conflict begins to stir.

Given the option to try again with someone new, those old habits and emotional reactions come with us.

What do you think she is feeling when this particular "where to live" argument begins to boil? Not necessarily what she thinks -- what she feels. That may be a place to unwind some of the conflict, if we can help you chunk this out and look at each part separately.

Unloved, unworthy.  Her ex abandoned her and her kids and fought hard not to provide any support whatsoever (according to her).

She has said straight up that if I loved her I would move to Paramus "and take care of us."  First, I moved to the country 20 years ago to provide a better life for my family, second, I am trying to rebuild something with my son while he is not independent and third, even if I wanted to, I am not in a position to move and my house is perfectly fine.

She uses the argument that relocating kids will mess them up even more than their father did by abandoning them, but I would counter that a stable family environment would trump that.