BPDFamily.com

This is my challenge.

How do I respond and not react.

Rationally, I should laugh at her absolutely ridiculous behaviour.

Emotionally, it floors me because many people believe her lies about me, and she she gets away with most of it. It shouldn't bother me, but it does.

How can we become emotionally intelligent to the point that the BPD's chaos remains hers and not mine?

It seems to me no matter how you respond to them the outcome is ultimately the same, just delayed somewhat.

I agree, at least in the vast majority of cases.

I think that in order to achieve the best possible emotional response we would require a plethora of ad-hoc communication techniques (e.g., SET), plus emotional detachment.

It is then logical to conclude that only skilled therapists are able to effectively manage BPDs, because while it is true we can learn the techniques, it is also very difficult to emotionally detach after all the traumas we endured AND if they persist in painting us black... .

Dealing with a BPD is a, for me, a learning process. If you share children, communicate only by text or email. On topic only, short and sweet. Don't respond or react to anything else they do or say. If you don't share children, move on bc you never again have a reason to communicate with evil.

I believe bus boys advice is best because I've found it works in my case. Yesterday my exgf, (we share custody of our son) made many attempts to get an emotional reaction from me by saying innapprotpiate statements, she was fishing for information about my personal life then flaunting hers. None of this had anything to do with our son and his welfare.

Another thing I've noticed with my exgf is when she's the slightest bit upset as in yesterday it was very warm here, she was angry about the weather, this will normally bring out the worst in her.

I just KNOW she's manipulating me and see it for what it is, and stick to the subject, our son. If I respond to anything else, she wins her game. So yes there isn't any solution to communicate with BPDs, except stick to the facts! Emotion just plays into their game, remember they are dominated by emotion so try to detach from that, love them but not their behaviours.

Stay cool, use your wise brain, cognition and turn into a robot, Spock from Star Trek, lol. IT WORKS!

And the benifit is you get to stay calm, keep all that energy to yourself and know, just know your ex is going to spend their "energy"  on the replacement. Lol. If they can't beat us up they will find someone else to pick on.

Hey Moselle

I think this is a fantastic question. It's those times when we have been stressed by something the BP has done that we need the skills the most.

For your q, "How can we become emotionally intelligent to the point that the BPD's chaos remains hers and not mine?" To remain "emotionally able", I would definitely do an emotional separation strategy first.

For the title q, "How to respond to a pwBPD in an emotionally intelligent way?" To respond, I would then assess what type of issue it is. If I need to buy time, I would go to basic validation. At this point I guess I would get shut down by an expert boundaries member  

I do think the first step is extremely underrated. It's very important. Without appropriate separation, we are basically out of "wise mind"--that makes every other technique really hard to do.

Also, the commitment portion of the pledge (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=146793.msg1425529#msg1425529) helped me a lot because it forced personal accountability.

<EDIT> Oh I do think the lessons on interactions shouldn't change even though you have formal separation. Even though the non isn't technically bound by the pledge as a "Stayer" is (I'm not considering if there are children involved), ineffective behaviour still gets ineffective results.

I would have to say kill them with kindness and be very polite. When I have gotten angry and called him out on his behavior he just called me abusive. When I asked him why he was handling things in a certain way, he took it as my not thinking he is smart and pushed back on me hard! I used to be sarcastic with him because he was with me. I see now why his Mother always says to him... .Thank you very much... .even if it is uncalled for. It's best to be polite so they can not accuse you of anything. Also, always tell them you will think things over before you will respond. Depending on the question... .putting off an answer seems to quiet them. Instead of a definite no.  Validate their thoughts even if it is just to repeat what they said, so they know you heard them.

I believe the "trick" here is to not internalize her chaos.  Observe it objectively, respond to it if necessary, but don't make it your own.  Once you internalize her chaos it becomes your chaos and all objectivity is gone.  You become chaotically emotionally entangled.

I was relatively successful in doing this with my ex except when crossed a boundary (hindsite), either by words or actions.  The handful of times this happened it resulted in a cliff incident and the fall as she pushed me off was ugly.  I let my anger speak instead of my rational mind.  I do regret letting her push me to the point where I lost my temper even if my reaction was "justified".  I should have removed myself from the situation until I had regained control of my emotions.  That would have been the most mature and emotionally intelligent way to handle those particular incidents.

I would say that you should keep in mind that people can't help how they respond to trauma triggers.  Their brains have become wired to recognize threats that remind them of past trauma.  What you thought or intended when you said something has nothing to do with how the pwBPD perceives it, so you need to learn not to take their thoughts and actions personally.  Understand that their first reaction to situations like this is mostly instinct and not necessarily a reflection of rational or intellectually held thoughts and feelings.

I would say that if you intend to talk about it, you need to talk about how and why the pwBPD perceived your actions (e.g. seeing it as a warning of abandonment) and talk about how you perceive the situation differently from how they do.  Give them time to come down from their triggered state and be patient as they come to a more rational understanding, if they are able to.

I don't think it is always possible to do this, sadly.

For instance, take into consideration those cases where female BPDs faked pregnancies: in those cases it is impossible to just observe the chaos... .

Interesting suggestion Fr4nz. Focusing on C.Stein's suggestion, "not internalize her chaos", the non can consider regulating their own emotions first (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=168004.msg11986938#msg11986938). This would aid getting distance from the chaos. To the non, methods like pausing, breathing, and labelling thoughts, are specific ways to do this. This is hopeful to a non and I would encourage it.

To address the example of faked pregnancies, I think the non would do well to step back from the complexity of the problem first. It's not a "let me change the channel" problem. It would look more like: dysregulation + practical action problem + potential relational problem. The dysregulation portion can certainly use what C.Stein is suggesting:)

Thanks for all your responses! They are SO helpful


The truth here is not lost on me, we cannot control what kind of dysregulated drivel is served up. However we can control our reaction to it. To ensure a response and not a reaction/over-reaction.


And during my last 2.5 years, there was only one PhD qualified therapist who showed any real aptitude to manage a BPD. And she told me it take a long long time to make progress. She confronts them head on, and there is an inevitable explosion, but she does it in a loving way so that they more often than not return to her. But it is still their choice. She was the only therapist I have met who has had demonstrable success with BPD patients, and she has been studying PD 's for 20 years. Who are we to imagine we can manage them.

I like what you say Fr4nz. Use the communication techniques, and detachment for our own benefit. Leave the pwBPD to their own habits


Too true. It takes awareness not to be sucked into something else


Wise words. Thanks for sharing


Yes I agree, detachment first. I am in a court battle regarding visitation let alone custody. I certainly have no desire to validate anything she does, as it may be used against me in the legal battle. How can I validate to stave off the dysregulations (she's onto her 5th fake DV for example) but not give her any ammo?


This is very good advice thank you. The last time I reacted forthrightly, she tried another (her 5th DV application). I will work on doing exactly this. Be polite, but firm and when she asks me crazy stuff, I'll respond that I need time to think about it.


Thanks C.Stein! Observe, recognise it as hers and respond, not react


GEM, this would help as I observe it - not to take it personally.

Good luck Moselle.  :)

I will wholeheartedly agree with you about validation difficulty. I used to think to myself, "Wow she has totally not given me anything in the last 3 sentences I can work with at all, ugh. Urg. Ugh. Don't flinch gb. Look natural gb." But in my head be frantically creating twists to figure out what wouldn't make me sound like a C3P0. Then I would figure out how to say it. Then see where I am in the conversation. "Uh-oh was I staring blankly at her forehead while thinking? Did she notice?" Discombobulated. This disconcerts me thinking about it 

5 fake DVs to me is beyond a lot. 1 is a lot. But 5? If I look at this as a behavioural response of the BP, this looks to me really tough to deal with. I imagine the disruptions to both your work and family life are large. I can't say I'd handle the first one with fluttering grace let alone 5. I admire your patience in working yourself through them and preparing like how you do here. I hope you get grace and rest. :)

Thanks gb. I pray for grace and rest daily. There is a pattern - She goes psychotic in response to a stressful situation. Communication stops and she tries to use the DV to try to keep me from the children. It hasnt worked but she continuus to do it, because she knows how stressful it is. Believe me , by the 5th one she has no credibility with the police or the courts. I know the police comissioner well by now. Be empathises with me. Ihope she does it 10 times.  It just makes my case stronger. 

I struggle to remain emitonally regulated through this however, hence my post. It is very invasive and does affect my whole life.

There is turning difficulty into a strength, and then there's this. This attitude is really worthy Moselle. I respect you for this and I respect you more for it. That's commendable. It's one thing to juggle life with a BP partner while dating--it's another animal to do so with children and higher family obligations.  Such good works aren't recognised enough so I'd like to highlight that. Thank you for sharing  :)

Indeed, I wouldn't recommend having three children with a pwBPD/NPD, or any children for that matter :) They become a currency in the manipulations of the BPD/NPD because they know how much we care about them. But there it is. It all happened before I knew what I was dealing with. What I really didn't anticipate was how vicious, hatred-filled and resourceful she would be. She is a master at garnering support from well meaning but naive souls who become her enablers. Believeing her lies, following her to court etc. But then I was duped for 15 years, so who am I to blame them.

I have put in alot of personal work and I'm beginning to see the fruits of that. Small shoots of growth and excitement for a new chapter. Unfortunateley she is very well tuned into me and she seems to respond with more drama, police, court applications, when she senses that I'm moving on.

So to respond mindfully to her and these distractions, is my daily challenge. Not to give her the reaction she is looking for.

Someone sent me a quote this morning by Malcolm X.

"Nobody can give you freedom. Nobody can give you equality or justice or anything. If you're a man, you take it".

We are free every day. How many of us choose to take it? I'm guilty of playing victim to this, but I'm getting better.