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So it wasn't my friend who text me the other night and that has sent me back to square one.  I feel like a fool for even thinking it was him.  Why would he want to be friends with me anyway; he used to have multiple women hanging around him back in our youth and I was never good enough for him then so why did I kid myself anything had changed 25 years later.

I'm so sad by all of it; the realisation that I probably won't ever speak to him again kills me inside.  I blocked him on FB earlier as I was tempted to reach out then unblocked him again.  My head is a mess.

I feel utterly worthless and unlovable.

I'm sorry izzy.  I know it is tough getting your hopes up to just have them vaporize.

Why you letting him define your self-worth?  Why is his friendship so important to you?

If he didn't love you he would have no trouble communicating with you and being friends. He's running away from you, hiding behind his superb coping mechanisms.

Because I'm in love with him, worry about him and his wellbeing, valued his friendship as he made me laugh.

I feel utterly worthless that he can push me away so easily and go NC for 2 months.

He doesn't love me; I was never good enough for him.  I've obviously served a purpose and now redundant and thrown away like cr&p.

Did he do things to show he loves you when you guys were together?

Izzy, you are going around in circles here of your own making.   He is not your responsibility, his friendship does not define you and he is not the only person who can make you laugh.  He is who he is, you cannot change this but only accept it.  

You aren't in a position to act on this (see bold) and I am curious why you feel this way for him?  Perhaps if we explore these feelings you might find some way to break out of this circle you are traveling in?

When he is being open he seems vulnerable and has a beautiful soul; he told me lots of things and kept saying 'I can't believe how much I'm telling you about my life'.  I believe he's always been upfront and honest with me and I admired him when he told me he had bipolar.  He told me that he is sad a lot of the time and that makes me sad for him.  It feels like 'home' when I'm talking to him; I was always drawn towards him.  He even said he thought we had been thrown back together for a reason.  However he also told me he would never abandon me either; yet here I am.

I can't help the way I feel.

First off, I completely relate to how you feel.  Our hearts become attached to the other person but logically, in our rational minds, we know something is very wrong.  Slowly, over time, my logical brain is becoming harmonious with my emotional brain.  Izzy, I think right now what "you know" and what "you feel" are at war with each other.  Please don't allow your feelings to rule your life... .that's what pwBPD do.  You need to listen to your rational brain and let it make sense of your situation. Take time to focus on what was wrong and amiss with your relationship with this pwBPD.  Think about how your needs were not met, about how you gave so much and received so little.  Think about the chaos, the lack of peace, the lack of commitment, and all the ways that he made you feel like crap.  Over time, you're emotional and logic will make friends all you'll heal. 

Perhaps not, but you can choose if you will let those feelings control you.

I know how beautiful the words can sound and make you feel.  My ex said many things to me that caused me to feel like I was the most special and perfect person for her she had ever met.  As beautiful as those words were they were just words.  When it came time for her to show me that she truly believed in what she said she couldn't.  That doesn't mean she didn't believe what she said in that moment but if the actions aren't there to give the words real meaning then they mean nothing.

Stop for a moment here.  Take a deep breath and look around you.  Once you stop spinning, pick a direction to go in and commit to that direction, no looking back.