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What I don't understand are the things that are even beyond lying to make feelings facts:

-She told me her degree was in business. On her LinkedIn it says her degree is in Hotel/Restaurant management. They're related, but they're not the same.

-She'll change the spaces/capital letters in her own last name. I've even heard her pronounce it three different ways.

-Her (1/2) Meetup profile says she lives in a city that's actually an hour and 15 minutes ridr from where she actually lives. She could have moved in the past few months, but I highly doubt it.

These are all things that don't need to be lied about. It's bordering on delusional thoughts/psychosis.

i think thats kind of a stretch.

1. splitting hairs

2. maybe its situational. i deliberately misspell the name on my facebook profile. i have a few friends that do the same. both of my best friends will introduce themselves, depending on the situation, as either the full or shorthand version of their name.

3. there might be obvious reasons for this that revolve around meeting the maximum amount of people, assuming that she hasnt moved. if i were to tell you where i live, i would refer to the county. this is very common.

question: is there a need behind seeing her as psychotic?

My dad worked in a psych ward for close to 20 years. He said he's seen borderlines in psychotic states.

Viewing this person as severely losing touch with reality would help me detach.

weve all been there. it would almost certainly ease the pain; im not sure its a balanced approach to detachment, especially if its not the entire reality itself.

you know the Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking very well. this is a form of painting our exes black - in this case, "black"=broken, hopeless, crazy, disturbed, or severely losing touch with reality. i did it myself. the hook in this line of thinking is that it puts us in a one up, superior position (a leftover relationship dynamic in many of our cases, certainly mine).

i get it. its a tempting line of thinking: if our exes are hopelessly broken, or evil, or psychotic, or whatever adjective, then how could we possibly feel for them? yet we do. at the end of the day it doesnt pass the reality test, it doesnt line up with how we saw or see them. to convince ourselves otherwise is building a shaky foundation for our healing.

grieve the person, grieve the loss, feel the feelings; face the facts. it will hurt, there is pain involved in getting to that elusive stage of freedom. and we are here for every step of the process.

I agree here.  It does no good to paint a picture that is untrue even if it may be partially based in reality.  Your exs actions are what they are, see the reality behind those actions and how they impacted you.  The label doesn't matter ... .BPD, NPD, PD ... .ect.  In the end the only thing that matters is how her behavior hurt you.

Now that said, attempting to understand what drives the behavior can help us make some sense out of what seems so incredibly illogical and confusing.  It helps us release with dignity and perhaps forgiveness at some point.  

ST, I noticed in your posts you're focused significantly on her. Specifically, getting a benefit out of mentally straitjacketing her. I noticed that your own post might be helpful here. I would encourage you to freely explore this.


Why do you feel a wanting to be angry? Why do you want to debase her to being pathetic?