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I'm just curious about how many of you all's BPD partners are highly religious or use religion as part of their manipulation.  My wife is very religious and I see how part of the manipulation has been in the name of God...  From believing the life I gave her was God's will (the same life she hates and complains about)  to using Bible verses to try and control me (and disregarding the ones that I point out as applicable to her) and various other instances, I'm just curious as to how common this is with Bpds.  She even goes as far as to "pray" out loud about  how frustrated she is with me or the . IE Jesus you said you loved me I know you wouldn't send a husband that would do this...  Etc...  Surely I'm not the only one with this kind of story

I think there are several posters who are religious and have some similar types of discussions with their partners.

If we consider that BPD is a disorder that affects relationships, it would make sense that BPD would affect a person's perception of religion. But there are other influences as well.

I attend an ACOA group where some of the members were subjected to "religious abuse" as children and this term was brought up, broadly. One meaning is that the parents may have used religion as a means of controlling the child's behavior too much. Others may have been raised terrified of a scary God who was rigidly punitive.

Regardless of religion, our concept of God changes as children mature. A child's concept of God is also strongly influenced by parents- as a young child thinks of God as a father ( parent) type being in the sky. However, God is abstract. As children become young adults, they form a more abstract concept- but still are influenced by their ideas growing up. Since one of the goals of the ACOA group is to "reparent" ourselves, for some members that meant readjusting their own concept of God that was not based on dysfunctional parents.

Considering that many pwBPD grew up in dysfunctional families, ( as did some of their partners), it may be that when the way they speak of God is influenced by how their parents did.

They may also be relating to God as part of the drama triangle- bringing in a third entity to "rescue" them or prove them right.

The solution, IMHO, is the same as addressing any other person's sense of reality, and strong boundaries. Two people may share the same religion, beliefs and values, but each person's relationship to God is individual. Your wife has hers, you have yours. When people have poor boundaries- as is common in many relationships with pwBPD, it is hard to hold on to our own reality and sense of who we are- but I think it is important to do so. The tools about relationships on this board ( to the right of the screen) are helpful. We don't have to argue or explan ( JADE). It takes two to enter a religious debate. This may be how your wife feels, and feelings are facts to her, but they don't have to be facts to you.

M,

Yes, we were a very religious family and I've experienced alot of what you mentioned, not understanding much of what was going on.  But it wasn't only limited to religion, but pretty much everything else (politics, education, psycology, ect, ect, ect).  I've learned that religion and all these other areas just serve as food and fodder for the BPD illness as the individual struggles to find a self, make sense with their strong implusivites and unstable patterns of thought and cope with their environment.  I found it best to stay out of it and make sure my self and stuff is solid so I don't get dragged into it, yet not lose my flexibility in areas of my life outside the r/s.

My wife uses religion in her twisted world view too.  She privately laments that God wants her to suffer and be (read: feel as though) alone.  She had frequently put on a pious act to condemn me while sitting in her own ivory tower. 

There's a lot more I could go into, but, I just will say that you are not alone in feeling this way.  Meanwhile, our religious conviction keeps us married.

My wife is the same way about praying out loud.  This morning  she has mentioned me lying over 50 times.   About a conversation I remember differently from a couple weeks ago.  

I am in a good place for Fathers day... .and didn't take the bait.

A couple times I asked if she wanted to hear my thoughts and she said no.   So I just hugged her and validated.


Bottom line... .there is a right answer and they have it.  God is on their side.

FF