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I am osculating from hour to hour, whether to unblock his number.

This really started last night.  I am craving hearing from him, anything just to hear from him would bring the relief I so crave, and the part of me that wants and needs to hear he misses and loves me.

I nearly unblocked his number last night, with the hope that maybe I would get a text or call, but I somehow decided to sleep on it and wait another day.

This was 24 hours ago and I have this craving again, it's really bad, I want to hear from him.  I won't text or call him, but I want to hear from him.

I also feel bad, I know he would have reached out by now, I know his pattern too well, and I feel sad that he has called and texted me and received no response.  He doesn't know that I have him blocked.  I can't see any messages and will never see them. 

I just feel weak today and broken without him.

I may even unblock his number tonight, I don't know. 

This has taken a lot of courage for me to do this, I don't want to undo it, I don't want to go back to the pain that will eventually come again... .I just miss him and miss the affection and love he gave me. I feel really torn at the moment. 

No contact now for 13 days, the longest ever.  I feel like a drug addict who has gone cold turkey.  I need to stay strong.

I completely understand & my heart goes out to you.

I am doing something similar myself - not blocked them as we have a son, but I have blocked her from apps like whatsapp, viber, made my twitter account private. I don't use facebook so am not checking her account. I know you are in pain right now, but all I can say is that by doing this it is a step forward, you might not think it now but it is.

Sean.

Sean thank you.

A step forward as painful as this is, is true.  Every moment of not letting them into our life, is a massive step in the right direction.  I have fluctuated from moments of feeling strong to feeling so desperate. 

I just love this man more than I have ever felt, yet the pain and hurt he has caused me has now over-ridden his love and promises.  I don't believe him anymore and I can't stand the pain he causes me, yet I crave him to make me feel whole again.

Keeping him blocked is the only way I can survive this.  If I see his words or hear his voice, I will believe in him and us again.  I need to keep focused as painful as this is. 

Hi DreamerGirl,

I am sorry that you are hurting.   I can relate very much to your feelings of sadness, and know how hard it is to stay strong and focused during these times.

You are doing well. You gave yourself time to be with your feelings. That is a great step. Maybe you'll unblock, maybe you won't. What's most important is your awareness of your feelings and where you are in your detachment process.

Have you asked your ex for a period of NC, or informed him that that is what you need right now, DreamerGirl? If he knew that you needed to be NC, then that might alleviate some of your anxiety and guilt about not responding to his possible messages.

Hand in there. It really does get better.  

heartandwhole

Stay strong!

I am trying to find the stregnth to go NC with my ex but instead of that we are constantly messaging one another, sometimes about random things, sometimes about us, sometimes telling me she loves and misses me.

Im struggling to detach, even though i know i need too yet here i am allowing the recycle of sorts thats happening yet i know that this isnt going where i want it too go.

Stay strong as even though im stuck right now so i know how hard it is to make that NC descsion because i cant make it myself right now.

You may not feel strong right now but believe me you are stronger than you think.

DreamerGirl,

I went back and read some of your old posts. Maybe your going back and reading them will help you find the strength to stay NC? There are some powerful emotions in what you've written.

Thank you everyone, for all your support, I need it.

heartandwhole - thanks for your support and hugs... .I need a hug really bad at the moment!  

DazedD40 - I know exactly how you feel, it's very very hard to cut someone out of your life, permanently.  Especially when it is a person who you love, but you know they are bad for you, yet you still want them.  It's such a conflicting mental state to be in.  Letting go is almost more of an emotional roller coaster ride, than what's it's been like staying in the relationship.  But I know if we can get through the storm, there will be sunshine and blue skies again!

Meili - I took your advice and re-read through my old posts. I actually felt quite shocked to see how many times i had been at the point where I thought I couldn't take any more, yet, I kept going and adapting more to his treatment of me.  I also noticed I had so much hope in the earlier posts, I remember that feeling of hope, it really kept me going.  I don't have that hope anymore, I lost that hope about 6 or 7 months ago.  I knew then that this would be the best I would ever have, and more than likely, it would keep deteriorating anyway.  I think what also shocked me was that for some reason, i thought the first couple of years together were really good, but reading back and seeing that wasn't the actual case, floored me!

So sadly my update is that I did 'fall off' the wagon.   I unblocked his number last night.  I felt in a lot of pain.  I sent him a text message.  Not a message that needed a response.  Just a short message that expressed, I was sad we had ended this way.  But, my intention was hoping to hear from him.  I felt desperate/needy inside, like a drug addict, I needed a fix, that is the only way I can describe how I felt. 

I was down on myself this morning, for texting him.  But I still kept him unblocked because I needed to hear from him.  He texted me back, and it was a harsh text, blaming me for what had happened.  But the fact that he said in the text message that he loved me, was the relief I needed.  The other words hurt, but he responded and that's what I needed.

There were a couple of back and forth texts, but nothing nasty after his first one, he said it a few times, how he loved me and was dreaming of me etc.  I know he wanted to hear me at least say that I loved him still but I couldn't do it.  I do love him, but I know if I say that, then, just from the latest recycles, we are heading back into another one.  And to go into another recycle with each other, is just prolonging what is going to happen.  I know I have to go through the dark to find the light.  I am strong and weak from moment to moment right now.

I think I got enough, hopefully, so that I can continue to try and move forward without him.  It was a fix, like only one glass of wine, rather than the whole bottle.  I'm feeling weak emotionally and physically today.  I have the support of my daughter and sisters and a best friend but that doesn't soothe me.  So why do I still want him after everything. 

To hear him justify why he has treated me this way, and then say that I deserved it, when it's all untrue and in his imagination, astounds me, still. He is the one who has hurt me, lied and broken my trust, lowered all my expectations by letting me down time after time, and yet I am the bad one?   I think the worst thing is that I have such a low self esteem to have let him do this to me and if I don't work on that, then I will always make excuses for him.  I'm scared I'm going to do it again and take him back and I don't want too.

I've made an appointment to go back and see my Psychologist, I know I need her support again.

DreamerGirl I'm sorry for the difficulty you're going through. NC can be extremely difficult. Things didn't occur as they planned. You're going through a lot of pain. It's alright to feel large pain when you're struggling with a large difficulty:)

How are you going to make things easier for yourself--in explicit actions--to be more kind to yourself? What decision is healthy for you in the long term? At the next night where you feel you want someone, how is finding out ways to be kinder to yourself going to help you make this decision then? I encourage you to look forward to getting through this:)

Who said you have to be No Contact? If you want to speak to him then speak. Did either of you do the break up or did you just stop talking one day?

gotbushels I am not sure how to be kinder to myself.  I have never really treated myself with kindness.  I am thinking about this right now.  Thank you for your support, I really appreciate it.

hurting300, thanks for responding.


No we didn't actually talk about going NC.  But he went NC/ST for his reasons, which I didn't know off, until I texted him last night.

His reasons were not valid, but to him they were.  So in his mind he broke up or we broke up on May 21st.  I didn't kow this, until last night as things had been going as usual.   i had committed a sin on May 21 which he didn't tell me off until last night... .

How can you communicate with someone that only sees the world through their eyes!

You can't. That's why it's better to quit while you aren't completely sunk. The same thing could be said about my ex when it comes to why our relationship didn't work out. All the reasons, the nitty-gritty that she listed, were really non-issues that she tried to exaggerate into huge deal breakers.

Dreamer girl, your post and your experience at this time has enabled me to make that descsion and go no contact. You have mentioned your stuggles with NC but I want you to know that you have given me the stregnth to finally cut the chord and go NC.

My ex broke up with me a few times without me knowing about it. I didn't even know you can do that 


Something that might help you is simply come up with 2-3 things. They should be easy to do, can be done almost any time, and ideally give you a sense of wellbeing and comfort.

My example I can give you is running. It's extremely simple. The bonus of this is it's very physical (physical is good because it forces the mind to move). Another friend of mine shared with me that when she was funking, her housemate would hand her the pair of trainers.

It could also be going for a purposeful walk at work. Plan a route that works for you. Sometimes, I like to visit a cake shop (ideally this would be a fruit bar but you get the idea). The trick is that it should fit the criteria; and commitment.

I'm right there with you. If I get a text it will be about how much he hates me.

How come everyone else has BPD exes that want back? My BPDEXH is way deep in hatred. Not sure why. I think it's related to a delusion that I met him years ago and am refusing to admit it... .idk.

I think your analogy of it being like a glass rather than a bottle of wine is a good one. You will do what you need at this minute. There are no rules. Just take care of you.

So in a sense HE ghosted you and went silent without warning. That is hard. That happen to me as well. Unblock your phone, listen to what he says. Make an informed decision

Yes it seems many people have BPD exes that want back. But there are many that don't. I suggest that it depends on the individuals.

The ghosting is cruelty in my opinion. Be woman or man enough to talk it out, if can't be resolved move on. Know one deserves to be treated as if they are not there. silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse typically employed by people with narcissistic or BPD tendencies. It is designed to place the abuser in a position of control;  silence the target’s attempts at assertion;  conflict resolution/personal responsibility/compromise; or punish the target for a perceived ego slight. Often, the result of the silent treatment is exactly what the person with narcissism wishes to create: a reaction from the target and a sense of control.

The person receiving , usually possess high emotional intelligence, empathy, conflict-resolution skills, and the ability to compromise, may work diligently to respond to the deafening silence. He or she may frequently reach out to the narcissistic person via email, phone, or text to resolve greatly inflated misunderstandings, and is typically met with continued disdain, contempt, and silence. Essentially, the narcissistic or BPD  person’s message is one of extreme disapproval to the degree that the silence renders the target so insignificant  

It is totally different then NC when you tell a person hey need some time to cool off, don't want to say something I don't mean, or need to work through this. A few hours, day, or even weeks if you both agree.

It is sad many confuse NC vs ghosting or just silent treatment. Even nons with good intentions confuse them and can ruin good relationships. I know you all know just saying.

I have been a caretaker of an UBPD and getting divorce that was coming for long time just held it together for my son and truly thought he was dying of physical injuries. He would talk, rage, scream and me and always blame me. He at least wouldn't go silent. I will probably have to when all is said and done NC but will be caring and polite to do it for me, not to punish or hurt him. Truly he will latch on to someone for awhile anyway.

The one that hurt or destroyed me for awhile, was someone I loved to pieces, was always there for and same back for me. If we get into disagreements I want to give him time and space, no problem. Respect that, only thing is like you all have dealt with never tells me that just goes silent. Not for hours or days can ignore texts, calls, letters for weeks or months.  Found things that really hurt me and broke some trust, instead of explaining, or trying to see my hurt just ignored and went silent.

To me society is too much throw away now, and not willing to work, respect and talk things out. The silent, ghosting, cheating are not for me. Though I know when dealing with BPD that is what many of us have dealt with. Having boundaries, our core values are essential and important to us.

Sorry you are going through that you don't deserve that. Many heartfelt thoughts of peace on your healing journey.

You are correct. It seems like 9 out of 10 people here think "no contact" is where you simply stop talking without warning when in fact all that shows is immaturity and bad conflict resolution skills. When you wish to no longer have contact you express it.

I am currently in exactly the same situation. I miss him so much but I don't miss the anxiety and lows and feeling like nothing. This is the only way it will heal and I have hope for both of us that it will get better. Sending hugs xx

I can't believe some one is going through exactly what I am at the moment. Here if you ever need to talk, I am in exactly the same place x

I'm in the same place,too. Maybe we need a club.

Goodness thank you. So concerning to me that many don't seem to know the difference and is not healthy. Especially for the some nons to go down the destructive road as well. Just weird to me.

I'm afraid if someone behaves this way they aren't "nons".

Yes very true but well trying to be polite... .LOL ( I need to not be afraid to call a spade a spade... .getting much better at it now)

Life is too precious, the only one I want to be better then the day before is myself.

I have given so much respect to the two in my life who have done this to me and my Mom. Always trying to see their side, fix it, love still, and be caring.

NOW need to do that for me. No more silent treatment for me. Either be an adult talk it out, if you need time to get rid of anger or come to terms or think, absolutely fine. Silent treatment No way... .never ever again.

What helped me is not taking it so personal. I'm not the only man she has done this too. And I certainly won't be the last. People say their is a difference between No Contact and Silent treatment. The difference is how you employ it. They aren't mind readers. What happened to society?

I have two children with my ex-BPD, so I'm not nc, but maintaining appropriate contact means pretty sticking pretty dang close to nc. And it is very difficult.

I did heroin for a couple of months about three years ago to medicate the pain of the relationship. There were some significant withdrawal symptoms when I stopped. Kicking the habit with my ex has been far, far harder. I'd actually take heroin withdrawal any day of the week--it was over in about four days.

They may not soothe you (enough), but also probably don't act the harmful ways he does.

Turn to them next time, and the next, and so on, until you get further past this.

Keep reaching out here, moving forward, instead of staying stuck in an addiction cycle.

How it was doesn't have to remain the way it is. We can choose to change our own patterns.

Easier said than done, for sure, but the more you follow through the better it gets.

Good for you to seek therapy again if you feel it will help. Dig deep. You can do this!

Letting go can definitely be a loss in many ways, yet also quite a gain in many others.

Apart from our brief text exchange 5 days ago, we have not had any contact.

Every day that he leaves me alone is a day stronger that I feel.  I just keep hoping he will not try and make contact before I can finish grieving and moving on.  I want to feel strong and able to resist him when he reemerges.

There is also another part inside of me that is craving to hear from him.

I don't know if that is my Ego or my longing for what I felt he was giving me.

I'm just hanging on at the moment day by day.  I know I can't go back, I can't ever go through the silent treatment again, I deserve better than that.  That is my strength, right now. 

Waking in the middle of the night and just crying for him has been the hardest.  But I know, even though I am grieving for him to hold me and make me feel better, he is the one who has caused this pain.  Such a confusing place to be in.

Hey DreamerGirl,

As you know im in a similar place at the moment and i got so mucg identification from your post.

I think disengaging and detatching from someone we love and care about so deeply is possibly one of the hardest things i have ever had to face up too. I have so many conflicting thoughts and feelings about our relationship. I look back in disbelief that i allowed myself to be manipulated and emotionally abused by her and then sit there wondering why i am missing her. I look back and wonder what on earth it was i was getting from the relationship with her because now im here i dont have a clue what positives she gave me.

Its a rollorcoaster isnt it? One minute i feel strong and confident in moving forwarde and continuing to detatch and i now achknowledge that theres no way back for us anymore yet i sit and miss her, miss talking to her, miss being able to hold her and miss her presence in everyway possible and i then start crying. Like you im having sleepless nights, waking up from dreams of her in a pool of sweat and that knot of anxiety as it hits in the middle of the night.

All i can do is carry on moving forward, which at the moment feels like crawling at a snails pace but i cant see any other way about going about this other than to fordge ahead a day at a time in the hope that ill one day be at peace with all of this. I hope you find the same but in the meantime just keep up the hard work you are putting in and im sure eventually we'll both come to find peace.

Until then big hugs and remember you are not alone.

Thank you DazedD40,

Yes it sure is a roller coaster of emotions.  The temptation to go back for another round, just to have a temporary reprieve from the pain, is one of the hardest thoughts to fight, especially in the middle of the night, when you feel so alone and just needing their arms holding you.

But, for that small amount of comfort, the aftermath wouldn't be worth it. 

I could go back, but if I did then I've shown him, I have absolutely no respect for myself, therefore allowing him to treat me even worse than he has been.  I would also lose any little bit of confidence I have gained from going NC.  I have always been sucked back in when he reaches out to me.  This time, the longer I can go without any contact from him, the stronger I am getting, even though I don't feel very strong at this moment and I crave him.

Another day has just begun, I'm actually glad to be going to work.  It gives my mind a little break from such confusion.

Stay strong DazedD40 and big hugs for you.

Routine is good and I find work a welcome relief away from thoughts and feelings of her, although my day is still a struggle at times. I'm trying to fill the voids of time as well by talking to friends, playing football and trying to eat right, again this is a struggle however, I personally think that if I can get in a groove I'll find some comfort in there somewhere. I still acknowledge the feelings as I don't wish to run from them but each day I find I'm growing ever so slightly, the thoughts are quietening down and I have brief moments where I catch myself not thinking of her. Music is a great help too, sometimes sad songs, helps with the feelings in allowing the pain and tears out and then some upbeat dance tunes where I dance away on my own. I find this helps with the physical tension in allowing it to flow out positively.

I'm just trying to do my best and I think that's all any of us can do. What's the alternative?

Thanks for responding DazedD40,

You sound a lot more positive today and that gives me hope that I will feel the same way too.

I agree about the music.  It is very healing listening to both sad and happy songs.  I find I can release a lot of feelings to music. 

I was listening to a really sad song driving home from work tonight, which I needed to hear, it allowed me to let tears fall out of my eyes, then the next song that came up was the total opposite.  Such an upbeat happy song, where I felt more like the old me, happy and it really helped.

My thoughts go up and down, they are quiet at times and then when they rear up, they are painful.  I wish it wasn't always in the middle of the night.  I really need my sleep.  I hope, I will eventually not long for him.

I am writing a journal to myself.  I need to keep reminding myself that we have/had no future together.  What I want and need in a relationship, examples: trust, honesty, reliability and empathy, will never happen if I stay with him.  He can't give me any of that. 

Every-time I have bought up his shady behavior, he projects all those qualities that I want, that he is lacking, back onto me, implying I am not trustworthy.  This has always made me try even harder to prove to him that I am a good person. 

What a bad place to be, trying to prove and show him how much I love him and no matter how hard I try, he never feels good enough. 

And because he doesn't feel good enough and he has repeatedly said he doesn't feel worthy of me, he isn't willing to make the effort to seek change.  It's like, this is who I am, I can't be any more. 

We are so in the same place when ity comes to our repective ex's. Its uncanny the identification i am getting through reading your posts.

I denied myself listening to certain songs due to how much i knew the lyrics would hurt me but now i see listening to them as part of my own healing. Through the chores of daily life, work, kids etc i kinda find that ive pushed things to the back of my mind only for them to come out later in the day so music is a good way for me to release both sad and happy thoughts. Theres so much power in music that i swear blind its one of the best tonics.

I do have my moments though, like lunchtime today, i slipped and found myself sitting there on a bench outside, thinking of her, wondering if shes thinking of me, missing me and then that sadness engullfed me whilst i sat there. I stupidly made the mistake of a stupid facebook stalk, my first in days so feel ive let myself down and almost set myself up a little. Im back in the office now but just a small thought of her can still impact heavily plus i saw her briefly this morning as we drove past one another so i think that has heightened my anxiety and thoughts ever so slightly. I really didnt want to come back in to the office and would much preferred to go home, fall on the sofa and cry my heart out but hey ho here i am getting on with it. I think to myself, she no longer cares for me so why should i allow her the head space to impact on my day.

Its not easy and i want to run away from doing the right things in favour of wollowing in my pool of self pity, slowly crippling myself up with the heartbreak but hey im not allowing her to do that to me, well at least not today im not.

Listen, always here if you need a chat so pm me if ever you need :)

I'm in the same boat too!

I'm on day 6 of NC and it is really starting to sink in. I've been good about not texting or calling her, but Facebook has been my downfall. I like what you say DazedD40 about checking facebook being an exercise is setting myself. I guess what I am setting myself up for is pain, whatever part of me is drawn to that pain of rejection or whatever it is .

Ive speant 4 years continuously setting myself up with my ex so im guessing thats going to take time to unprogramme myself from. What is it that draws us in to the pain? Shes gone, in no contact, on to the new supply yet im still finding ways to allow her to hurt me all by myself. I know rome wasnt built in a day but this is the biggest baffler for me.

We are on the same day of no contact. Day 6, feels like day 600! I was so used to speaking to her everyday for 4 years it feels so starnage no longer having that with her anymore.

He texted me today... said "not that it matters, I miss u".

I was at work,  I didn't expect to see his name on my phone.  My instant reaction was shock and I felt weak, just seeing his name come up.

It has really thrown me. 

I am almost feeling desperate, like a drug addict, I need my fix of him.  I have an opening here.  I don't know, will I go back down the path i always have. It has been almost three weeks of totally no physical contact and I'm really craving him.

I feel torn right now.

A few years back, I got one of these texts. I was just back from the local pub, had a few beers in & my phone beeped: 'I miss you, every minute of every day'. It was from a number I didn't recognise and I had an inkling as to who it was. She had met some of my friends out and missed me.

They do tear you don't they?

Part of me would love to hear from her now. Her wit, charm, to hold her, be with the family. But then I think of the rage, false accusations, me being the root of all her problems and the physical attacks which got worse over time and I know I don't want to go back to that.

We can't ask others to change & it is impossible to have Jeckyll without Hyde. It is sad that when we love someone like that, even knowing they are toxic and not good for us, we still want them so badly.

Thank you seenr,

It has killed me, crushed me.

The last three weeks have flown out the window.

All the tiny steps I thought I had taken, have gone.  He holds my heart.

I feel weak, any confidence I felt is gone, I texted him back, I gave him excacly what he needed.  To know he has treated me the worst but here i still am... .waiting. Like a drug addict needing their next fix, that is me   I feel low right now, but I still need him.

 

One of the reasons I am convinced that my ex has BPD is because of the way we all feel after the break up or during the silent treatments... .This is exactly how I feel right now... .EXACTLY. I am craving hearing from him, anything just to hear from him would bring the relief I so crave, and the part of me that wants and needs to hear he misses and loves me.



We broke up for the last time in December. Went no contact so many times but he always reaches out to tell me he misses me or is thinking about me. I broke down and replied so many times and it ALWAYS got me to a worse place. We all know we won't be happy with them, but yet the craving/the need for a fix, is so strong. Last time I talked to him was two months ago. I got more broken. He has since then sent 4-5 messages to tell me he misses me but I try to stay strong cause I know he can't be my person. He has hurt me like no one else has. Last time he reached out was three weeks ago. I still feel guilty for not responding and right now I want to talk to him more than anything. But I shouldn't. He has broken me down in millions of pieces so many times. I can't let this go on forever. I shouldn't. You shouldn't. 

Having read this thread start to finish, I wonder is DazeD40 living in a parallel universe as almost word for word everything he has written is how I feel. The only difference is I dont know how to use Facebook.

But some really good material discussed in this thread. Glad to have found this community.

I can't imagine surviving this without the support from all the wonderful people on this board.  I have come here, so many time during the last four years, and I never feel judged, just supported and understood. 

I have taken a sip of the poison, a big one.  Well, that's how I feel because I know where this is going to go, again. I feel down on myself at this stage. I know I have just taken on another round with him in the boxing ring, which I also, logically know, will end exactly the same way as all the other times.  But my dream of making it work and for us to be happy still has some power over me.  This really is a huge process, not a quick and easy exit, when they still have you in their minds.  He is not quite ready to let me go. 

I think the biggest favor they can do for us, is to discard us totally.  I know how incredibly painful that is, we are in deep pain, but we then at least have a chance of escape.  Maybe I'm not at the end yet, I think I'm close though. I was wanting, but dreading, him contacting me.  I knew if he didn't, I would be free, even though I was so sad, I had hope of eventually finding someone who will treat me with love and respect.  Pity I don't treat myself that way.  That's something I need to think about, why I don't?

Hi Dreamer Girl

I am exploring the same thing in counselling. Why not love ablnd respect myself and put myself first. My Counsellor thinks the problem is that I grew up seeing two parents row from when I was 3 to 17. It got so bad one night when I was 15 that I considered telling a teacher. I didn't though.

Perhaps the chaos of my parents relationship meant I ended up in a relationship with the same chaos. I saw a cycle with my parents of row, silence, make up, happiness, holding our breath, back to row.

I might have thought that this was normal. I might have got used to rows with my ex where I would try harder afterwards to make it work. By trying harder we expose ourselves to the potential of more hurt. I look back on our relationship in 2009 and the problems we had. I worked On each of them and as the old ones were solved, new ones cropped up. As the new ones were solved the old ones were brought back again... .

 :)



Curious choice of words DreamerGirl--something on your mind?   :)

Hi seenr,

I am totally understanding of where you are coming from.  I know this plays a role in the dynamics of my situation.

I also grew up in a dysfunctional home.  Love to me, equaled emotional pain.  The only time I ever truly felt loved was after my BPD Mother came out of a silent treatment and hugged me, this was was because I begged for her to talk to me, and I broke down and she could see I was sorry.  This sometimes took weeks, but I craved it and needed it. I needed my mother to love me.  We would be on a honeymoon period thereafter, until the next incident, which could be days or weeks but I craved that love from her.  I keep reliving this pain/love.  I can see this is what I'm doing, but I honestly don't know if I can change it.  I keep trying to please him, I want him to love me and see that I love him.  This work needs to be about us, that's what I'm seeing her.

I’ve thought about it more and now realise the cycle at home affected me. I’m immensely prone to a female crying. I explored this with the counsellor. I have been putty in the hands of at least three exes as soon as they turn on the waterworks. That is because usually when my Mum cried, it was at the end of a terrible row and she was at breaking point. By that stage, we knew the end of the row was close. I’m also someone who used periods of silent treatment and reaction to provocation & bad behaviour by fighting fire with fire. That comes from My Dad. Often I saw him in rows taking severe provocation from my Mum, then exploding. I’ve done some things like that in my recent relationship, but I have changed that & even after changing that, my ex kept going until she got a reaction. I suspect this is down to her not doing enough work on her side and her imagination becoming a reality, a fear, a reason to attack and lash out.

I have told my ex over & over again that I love her. She doesn’t believe me.  She would mention that actions speak louder than words. I agree. But for now, all I can do is accept that she doesn’t believe me, detach from her totally and work on me. I have done a vast amount of work from 2009 to now without realising it. The problem has been focusing 100% on her and not on me. I need to finish the job now. I’ve had this idea that our son should grow up with both of us in the house. Now I realise that as a unit we were not making his or his sister’s life healthy and I intend to keep going until I feel good about myself. Then, what happens will happen.

As much as I hate the thoughts of her with another man, I am trying to let that go. For me, I want to feel ready to meet the right person no matter who she is, when the time is right. I have no idea what she will look like, where she will be from etc. But I need to heal wounds that were there long before my BPDex came along, in order to make myself the kind of person I like, so that maybe someone else will like too.