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I'm in the very early stages of processing my experiences growing up with my uBPD mother, and have started to keep a diary. We are currently on limited, functional contact after a big fight. When I'm showering or working or trying to get on with things, awful angry memories flood back, but when I journal, I seize up.

I can trace this back to her need to isolate and control me - "disloyalty" is a huge crime in her eyes, and it was made to include talking about her negatively to anyone. She read my diaries repeatedly. So I don't truly feel safe writing. But I'm a gifted writer on most other occasions, just not with this!

Also, although I've done the reading, the FOG makes me worry I'm going to journal the "wrong way" & relive my trauma & intensify my anger instead of processing it. So, what works for other people? I'd be grateful for suggestions. Peace and encouragement to all of us on this path. Hugs if wanted.

HEY anyplacesafe:   (❀‿❀)

Sometimes a small electronic audio recorder can capture those thoughts. Then, when you feel up to it, you can transcribe them into some word processing software/app.  You can't take a recording device it in the shower with you, but you can try to capture the thoughts when you get out.  Check out your devices:  Phone, Ipad, Tablet, Computer, etc.  There are lots of ways to capture thoughts.  If you are someone who generally has your phone close by, might want to see what apps you might use.

Choose word processing software/app where you can password protect it.  That way, you will feel safe.  I can share your logic that your thoughts are very personal and want privacy.

What do you think some of your options may be (phone apps, laptop or tablet software)?

Hi anyplacesafe. My mother wasn't particularly respectful either, so I can imagine this being quite a block for you.

My suggestion would be to write freely and then shred what you've written immediately. There could be other benefits of doing this too - researchers have found that people who journal and destroy what they write immediately make more gains that those who hang onto what they write.

Alternatively, you could write on paper rather than in a diary and seal what you write in a separate envelope on a daily basis and then lock the envelope away somewhere or give it to a trustworthy friend for safekeeping.

Love Lifewriter x

Welcome Anyplacesafe! 

This is a great question you asked! I was so afraid of my uBPDm that I couldn't talk about her and say anything negative either, so I get where you are coming from. In fact, when she passed away over 3 years ago and I went in to T to begin to speak about her, I remember asking if she would be able to hear me talking about her now that she was dead. How deeply ingrained such intense feelings are inside of us! Sounds like that is how you feel as well.


Something else that has been helpful to me is when I realized that I was not speaking negatively to run my mom down as much as I was seeking validation from others that I was not crazy, that I didn't just imagine these things. My uBPDm kept everything hush hush so she appeared like a great person to everyone else. When I talk about something negative that happened, for me it has been to ask myself if this is normal for others or is it wrong? That's one of the things that makes this site so great!  |iiii

Do you think if you had a safe place to sit down and write (which would promote that feeling of safety) that it would help you? For myself, if I feel that someone would possibly read my thoughts, then I begin to panic. The need to write and journal is pretty strong for me, so I've found a way to make it work. I have a password on my computer to log into it, and I also have a password on my email account. That helps me to feel safe since no one can get in without the password to read my thoughts. You could write in a Word program and have it protected that way.

What do you think about the ideas that have been shared so far? I hope you can find a way to make it work for you as it can be therapeutic to write.



Wools

I've tried journaling, but couldn't.  My mother used to read my diary and use the material as jokes in front of others.  The only time I've been able to was by writing everything on one line so it wasn't readable, just writing on top over and over.  Guess like writing and shredding it immediately.

Elyria:

It is horrible what your mom did with your diary.  Have you tried to take some small steps to try journaling again?  There are lots of ways to hide things you write on various devices.  It may seem a bit traumatic at the start, but once you make some progress, it will feel better.

Writing and destroying is certainly one way to do it.  Sometime, it can be helpful to go back and read what you wrote at a later time.

This is my second attempt at a reply, it timed out the first time.



My mom read my diary too.

I can totally relate to not feeling safe.

I know some people who don't write things down because its not safe.

There are ways around that, not mentioning other people by name.

Still, I find journaling hard and I find I do best with writing prompts.

My mother used to read my diary too. I could tell because she knew about things that I hadn't told anyone but had written about in my diary.

When journalling, I find it hard to get my thoughts in order. I tend to ramble but I want to be organised. That´s why I do not write often. My mother did not want me to feel and I think wanting to have organised thoughts is another remnant of my past.

I've been keeping diaries for years. Yes, my mom read my diaries too occasionally, but probably not since I was in my late teens or 20's (I'm in my 40's now and my mom lives in my home).

I have since found very good hiding places for my handwritten diaries. I know she's not reading them because if she did, she'd probably never speak to me again!

For almost my whole life, I lied to myself and pretended that i considered my mom my best friend. I figured that it would be the perfect cover story for why we are so close. She doesn't let me drive and I can't have any friends unless she comes along. It's only within the last two weeks that I've learned about BPD and have finally stopped lying to myself.

Up until this March, in my diaries, I always put a positive spin on everything about our relationship. I would never say anything bad about her. There would be the occasional rage she would get that I would have to vent about because I really had no other outlet. But that honesty from me was extremely rare.

However, I remember once in my 20's ripping up a huge portion of my diary in fear that my mom or someone else would read what I wrote about her. I wish I had those pages back. I would love to see what I wrote back then. I just remember Mom raging at me big time and saying horrible things to me.

Over the years, I've journaled on a password protected laptop and eventually deleted what I wrote. Again, today I wish I had that journal back too.

This past March, everything changed. Mom had such a violent (verbal only) rage against me (that went on overnight from about 5pm until about 8am), splitting and threatening me to the point that my whole world came crashing down around me. I could never again go along with the facade that she's my bestie. Because I was so isolated, I really had no other outlet, other than to finally tell all to my hard cover paper diary, which I continue to hide in a really good place.

I have now actually started having two diaries.

My paper diary is now a high level recap of what I'm going through with my mom and also focuses in much greater detail on the other aspects of my life.

For journaling about my past and present thoughts and experiences coping with mom's BPD, I've this week started using an app on my phone called Day One. It's a paid app in Apple's App Store, but it's supposed to be the gold standard for journal apps. I haven't explored all the features yet, but I understand it is password protected, secure, has a backup option, and so far seems easy to use.

I hope this information is helpful. Wow, I can't believe how many of us are affected by these same issues with our moms.

One of the ways I cope with the stress is with humor. I imagine how funny it would be for all of our moms to find their own forum opposite of what we have here. They could get together to discuss ways to invalidate our feelings, invade our privacy, argue about who has the worst son or daughter that hates them the most (splitting), figure out ways to find our diaries, and all while they present themselves as victims. They could offer tips and pointers to each other. Wow, this is so messed up!

Finallyawake, good for you that you have found and are finding ways to cope! I can see the light of day penetrating through the FOG you've lived with, and I'm glad that you've had journalling as an outlet.


This is something very common that all of us survivors of a pwBPD can relate to. To speak negatively (or to tell the truth) about my uBPDm would earn me her wrath, so I can understand the fear you lived in.

It sounds like you are wanting to learn to drive, and I hope you can do so. Do you know if you can study for a driving test online to get a permit? That way you wouldn't have to have your mom take you. Also, if you sign up with a driving school, they will come and pick you up to practice driving. Perhaps there are ways around the control... .|iiii

Glad you are with us here!



Wools

Hi Wools,

I actually have had my license for over 20 years, but I probably have not driven for more than maybe a few hours in my entire life. My mother has always discouraged it and I went along with it - sacrificing my freedom in the process.

I just need lots of practice so I feel comfortable behind the wheel.

My mother is currently way too involved in my life for me to have the freedom to sign up for a driving school. If I did I that, it would be a huge battle. She seriously wants to help me to drive again and we've been talking about it, even today, so I believe her. She has always been an excellent driver, so I know she will be a good teacher for me, despite her BPD issues. I think she gets my commitment to wanting to drive. However, I don't think she realizes that I want to drive to gain independence.

Even as recently as last month, I could have not even written these words about why I don't drive, which of course is because my mother would not let me drive. Having a journal on my phone, a paper diary,  and having this forum to write the truth in is helping me to be honest about what I am going through.

I would encourage non-BP's to find a safe way to journal (be sure it is safe!). I think journaling is very therapeutic, at least for me.

I have written so much in my diary recently that I keep using up pens!