BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone

I'm new here, and got this message board recommended, since I am unsure of whether my mom falls into the category of BPD, NPD or histrionic. Or maybe a mix.

By becoming more aware of what goes on, I hope to get more clarity on how to deal with myself and her. I'm now 27 years old, and I still have a hard time with this.

My mom leads a ‘normal’ life with a full time job, she has had some of her friends for years, etc. Was in a relationship with my dad for appr. 20 years. A lot of people find her charming. She believes she's good in relationships, but I can’t count on two hands, how many friendships have been filled with drama and “break-ups”.

Her emotional display is theatrical and shifting.

She craves to be the center of attention (doesn’t matter if it’s at the expense of others). An example: playing the piano in front of a crowd, that was actually celebrating that my brother graduated from the musical academy (he majored in: piano of course!).

She cannot be on her own (even though she says she’s good at it, reality is, she’s never alone). When she’s frustrated, she projects everything onto the surroundings, and when people disagree or does something that doesn’t suit her, she’ll give them the silent treatment, get all uptight or victimize herself (only in close relationships). When I confront her with certain situations and behavior, she either laughs, explain away, get child-like angry or victimize herself. She’s always in her defense-mechanisms. I’ve tried a few times that she admitted to something, but a few minutes later, she’ll deny she ever said it. She distorts reality: If she feels like she needs ”win me over”, she’ll say what is needed, and the next time I talk to her, she looks at me like ”I never said that?”.

And after I started working in the psychiatric system, guess what? She found a job in the psychiatric system a couple of weeks later, having up until then worked in an entirely different area in all her career as a nurse (identity diffusion as in BPD perhaps?)

I actually spent the first 13-14 years of my life idolizing her, truly believing she was an angel put on planet Earth. I believed my father to be unjustfully strict. Retrospectively I believe that she framed our family dynamic like this, and that my dad was never as "bad" as she made him.

When my parents got divorced, my mother fell down from the piedestal, I had put her on. I started questioning her intentions, and the double communication (e.g. saying something is allright or perfect, when really you could tell her body language telling a different story). Being so mad at her because of her decision to break the family, I started to withdraw from her, which led her to be clingy and needy (most likely not aware of it). I wouldn’t see her for weeks, leading her to blame everyone, except me and her, for me not wanting to see her.

As a sidenote to my mom appearing like an angel, I can tell you that she often cheated on my dad and he often describes their relationship like she was like a child, whose needs had to be met. When he didn’t want to fulfill her emotional needs any longer, she found another man and filed for a divorce (yes, in that order). I was later told, that my mom told my dad she wanted a divorce, while they were headed for new year’s eve at his sister's, and he had to sit there all night, acting like nothing had happened.

….Any thoughts on this? How does one emotionally heal from this?

As a finishing note, I can tell you, that both my dad and brother have asperger’s syndrome. And I’ve had, and still do have, some borderline and narcissistic tendencies of my own…  

Thank you for reading all of this! Let me know what you think, I’d deeply appreciate it

Lots of love from Katrine <3

  

Hi Katrine! Welcome to BPD Family!  ヅ

Sorry that you have a need to come here, but I think you will likely feel that you are among friends who are all on a similar journey. Behaviors and traits can be passed on via genetics and environment.  Some things can be a matter of the wiring in our brains and others can be a matter of learned behavior, or a combination of both.

Disorders can be a mixed bag. I think it is a rare person who doesn't have some traits of a disorder or two.  My understanding is that when a certain number of specific behaviors accumulate, a label is often attached to it.  

You indicate you are working in "the psychiatric system".  Have you read any books on BPD, NPD?  I found the "Stop Walking on Egg Shells" book rather enlightening.

Are you in therapy?  What disordered traits do you see in yourself?


One of the issues I have with my uBPD sis is of her either saying I said something I didn't or arguing that I didn't say something I did.  She would start an argument with herself (assuming I'd take a certain position before she would even let me speak).  She would go into a rage.  In her mind, I was either talking down to her or over her head.


I'm finding that the more I read and interact on this website, the more I learn.  Not only do I learn about BPD and other disorders, I learn communication skills that are good to use in healthy relationships.  Good to have some tools for a variety of situations.

There is a lot of good information on this Website that you should find helpful.  There are some links on the right hand side of the page.  You can, also, go to "The Learning Center" area on the board (find the main index page or use the navigation drop-down at the bottom of this page).  The links below are likely helpful:

Here are a couple of link to info. about Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG):

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Here are a couple of links to threads about boundaries:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

Hi,

thank you so much for the welcome and feedback!   :)

I actually have read a lot on the topic... I still need some more information on how to deal with her... And then I think the problem lies in, that my emotions still believe and adjust to my mom. So I don't truly believe my head. So to speak... When she's manipulating or straight up lying, I still believe her. Eventhough I at some point realize that she's twisting the truth in some way.

My own BPD/NPD traits used to be: chronic emotional emptiness (bordering a kind of dissociation - never been present, not able to feel my body or any emotions), I have never let anybody in, and when I try to get involved, a lot of emotional turmoil happens (still a problem to this day), where i don't understand what happens emotionally, not being able to regulate. Also I get anxious, when that happens. I've also done some splitting in certain relationships - idolizing and then taking them down from the piedestal. Also oscillating between idolizing and hating myself. Binge eating has also been a problem. Whenever somebody critisized me, I used to get angry and defensive, later on i started to feel self-hate instead, like I was the worst person on earth. The funny thing is, people has always found that I appear really calm and cool... .:-P  I am able to give a lot to other people, really validating them and helping (not always knowing when to stop).

All of these things have become more rounded the last year or so - I actually stopped having the chronic feeling of emptiness (yay!) - but that required of me to go through a lot of difficult emotions and to spend a lot of money on therapy!

Today it scares me a bit, that I once believed everything was perfect, since it was far from. And I don't believe i would've had these challenges if everything had been allright!

I see a psychotherapist who has a focus and body and how the world view is formed in the early years. He validates me alot. His strength is not working with mentally ill people or PDs, so I don't get to work directly with the relational dynamics per se. But it's still very healing to me. We have focus on getting me down into my body.

Sounds like there are some similiarities between your uBPD sister and my mom. Luckily my mom doesn't go into rage, as she keeps herself controlled. I think that if she were to be authentic, she would much more often display rage...

I will take time to look around on this website... Thanks for the links and book recommendation, I will look into that :)  I'm hoping to be better at setting boundaries, so I can get a healthier relationship with her. And maybe even one day, stop wanting her attention and really realize that she's not gonna change (most likely!).