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I'm in the middle of a 2 year high conflict divorce from my spouse, and I just put boundaries in to my relationship with my mother. Basically asking her not to shame me in public and in front of my my children.

She raged and now says she cannot have a relationship with me

Another BPD or more likely NPD in my life, and I only realised this recently. This is where this nonsense started - in my childhood.

Any tips? I basically responded that "I'm sorry she feels that way"

I did not expect this extinction burst from her, but I probably should have.

HEY Moselle: 

So sorry about the problem with your mom.  It can be very painful to experience this with someone, when you need their support the most.  I'm on a learning curve, but I've come to understand that some stress event can cause a disorder to rear it's head like a monster.  Sometimes, we have seen some bad behavior in the past with the person, and not thought "personality disorder".  Most of us have a trait or two that fits the description of some personality disorder.

My uBPD sis is the BPD in my life.  She had some bad personality traits, but I was never painted black by her before.  We had a 6-month period of time, during which our parent's health declined rapidly and they both passed.  My uBPD sis and I were "co" everything:  health & financial POA's and then trust/estate matters.  I didn't know the specifics of BPD at the time. The interactions with my sister led me to seek therapy.  After a few sessions, my T suggested I read "Stop Walking of Egg Shells".  Boy, the light bulb turned on.  After reading and interacting here, I've read similar stories.

I experienced some splitting back and forth with my sister.  I was painted very black before my dad fell and broke his neck, but my sister was able to split me back to white for awhile.  Then she later tried to blame me for my dad's fall, even suggested that I caused the black eye he got when he fell.  I've never hit anyone in my life, although I know my sister has.


Your boundary sounds like an important one.  You did some validation with your mom.  One option would be to just give it some time and see what she does next.  Has your mom ever had therapy, or perhaps in it now?  I'm thinking that some less important boundary violations are easy to come back from, but others are mandatory.  The script that your mom writes to your children about you, seem like a very high level boundary?

On some occasions, my sister was able to just start interacting a few days after an unpleasant behavior - as if nothing happened.  That got old for me.  I reached out for therapy, when I reached the point of "no return".  My sister didn't think she had a problem, nor could she talk about any of her behaviors, with a goal of talking through the problem.  In her eyes, "Nothing Wrong With Her".


I find that journaling can be helpful.  Is there anything you do to relieve your stress and manage it better?  You can always initiate contact with your mom in a few days, week, etc.  If you mom can't honor your boundary, you may have to take whatever steps are necessary to put more control on her interactions with your children.  What steps might that be?

Thanks  NN.

I'm not sure tbat I will need to take steps, however if she continues I may have to reduce contact. 

My bigger concern is her betraying me with my ex. Joining forces with her so to speak against me with regards to the children.

Hello Moselle,

Would you consider talking to your children ? Maybe you can gently warn them, that grandma sometimes has tendicies to talk bad about you ? I think you can perfectly do this without degrading grandma.

Is there a possibility for you and your ex, regardless of the divorce being high conflict, to set one golden rule, which is not to talk bad about the other one in front of the children ? I did that with my ex, and I think we both stuck to it. For him it was a good 'deal'  because he also had the guarantee I would not talk bad about him. Maybe it could also work for your ex ?

A possibility is also to just tell your mum that, if she talks bad about you / joins forces with your ex against you, you won't allow her to see your children.

Thanks Fie,

It's a fluid situation right now. My mom sent me an sms on Saturday saying she can't have a relationship with me. My reply "I'm sorry you feel that way". Perhaps she was hoping for something different LOL.

There's actually no way to have a coherent conversation with my ex, let alone agree anything. She just gets abusive and shouts. She is "dangerous and uncooperative" on the scale of BPD and she's NPD co-morbid, impulse control disorder obsessive disorder, anxiety disorder. Let's just say I'm a little embarrassed at having married her in the first place, however I can assure you she showed none of this when I married her.

Good idea, If she does interact with the ex in that way again, I'll need to take the children somewhere else on my weekends. I drive 600 km to see them each alternate weekend, and we stay with my parents.

Hello,

Maybe you, even if it's just for a while, do need some time with your kids alone, without your parents ? Until for everyone things might settle down a bit emotionally?

Seems like you (and your children) don't need the extra stress of grandma's borderline behavior ! Try to enjoy the time you have with them in stead of you all walking on eggshells for grandmother... .

I am sorry for your high conflict divorce. Mine was easy it was child support that was the problem.

May I ask how your mother shames you and your child in public?

My mother shames me and my child in private.

I believe my mother is uBPD and uNPD, but I do know for a fact she is abusive, which would line up with the witch BPD type.