BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

First off, I'd just like to say thank you for this site and message board. The support and very sound techniques that I have learned and put into practice have set  me on the path to healing and truly reclaiming my life. You guys are all awesome!

Ok, so here's the thing: my BPD mom will be quitting her job in the coming two weeks because she feels that she shouldn't have to work for a living. She's in her early 60's and says she's done enough and it's time to rest. This isn't the first time she's quit a good and very well-paying job. She usually can only keep a job for a maximum of a year, after which she finds a reason to quit and ends things very negatively. Once she quits, she will have no income. She has a mortgage and very expensive taste. She used to do this when we were children to force my dad to earn more money. It caused lots of hardship and instability not to mention the fact that we lived in and out of poverty. She spends all her money very quickly on impulse items until she runs out completely. She never thinks of her day-to-day living costs. I have bailed her out financially in the past many times to my family's detriment and despite our modest income.

She wants to be destitute so that someone, i.e. me, will be forced to take care of her. I have three children (one infant) and we will be moving to another town in the coming months. Medium chill and LC have done wonders so far.

I'm bracing myself for "the conversation" where she asks to start spending time with me and the children and blows all her money to buy their love. She told my S10 that she wants to take him to the mall every day and buy him whatever he wants. To me, that is out of the question. She uses her car like a weapon and there is no way I'm letting her take me or my kids anywhere, let alone buy us things that I've already said no to because they are unhealthy (such as violent and inappropriate video games and tons of junk food).

My question to you guys is: how do I say no to her without having to tell her that I find her to be unsafe and unhealthy. Medium chill is great because it basically keeps things very formal and superficial. I'm not sure how to marry this with the clear boundary that she cannot simply just come and turn our lives upside-down now that she has time. Things are finally happy and peaceful in our house because she's not here undermining our parenting and causing chaos with her episodes and tantrums. Any thoughts would be really appreciated.

Sarah girl,

That sounds like quite a difficult thing to manage. Here's a link that might help you set some boundaries with your mom.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Please be aware that when we change "their unwritten rules" of engagement, they will likely raise the level of resistance and perhaps throw bigger tantrums to try and bring it back into their balance. At this stage its important to stand firm, to ensure she knows they are a new reality. Over time, she will adapt to them.

Hi Sarah girl




Is your father in the picture, or a stepfather?  Have you considered proactively leading her to a harsh reality check?  Perhaps, there is a need to just go on record to say that you are finished bailing her out, you can't offer her a place to live and she needs to see a financial planner. (a lack of planning on her part won't create an emergency on your part).

It will likely be unpleasant to address this head on right now, but you might feel better down the road, as you perhaps wonder and anticipate when the day is going to come when she asks for money and/or a place to live.  To prevent a social media or email war, perhaps you could send her a letter via US mail?


 

Others will likely have better ideas.  I'm thinking that you have to keep enforcing boundaries, one issue at a time.  If she develops a habit of spontaneously appearing on your doorstep, you will need to enforce a boundary regarding that.  Since you already think that "trips to the mall" will be an issue, may want to plan for the boundary you will use (i.e. don't allow it at all, allow it once a month for a limited amount of time, etc.)  If tantrums are her style, then decide on what your approach will be.  Reading the tutorial on communications, and practicing some mock situations, might be strategic.  Perhaps if she gets sent home enough times after having a tantrum at your home, she will learn to modify her behavior.  If she starts frequenting your home and gets away with having tantrums, it will continue and drive you crazy.

COMMUNICATIONS OVERVIEW

   https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0

Thanks for the links, I'm reading them several times in order to truly grasp and incorporate the advice.


I've been estranged from my dad for over 14 years. This is a major issue for my mom. She will not accept any possibility of communication with my dad or anyone associated with him in many way. She considers him the enemy and has threatened to sever all ties with me if I ever attempted to have contact with him.

I have a very wealthy gc brother that she would never accept any money from. She feels that I owe her everything I have (soul, husband, children, time, money, etc.) She also feels that my brother is entitled to everything under the sun. One time, she even suggested that I give him all my money! Sorry for the vent, I find the double-standard very upsetting.

The whole point of her exercise is to force my hand and ultimately rage at me if she's not entirely satisfied with the outcome. I will not let this happen.

Medium chill and LC had removed the intensity from our communications. I'm worried that me having to reinforce of this boundary directly is going to cue her to create conflict let loose on us. She's done this so many times before and I don't want the stress of another psychotic episode. One of my boundaries is to not have to be exposed to her uncontrolled rage.

I'm in the process of anticipating her reactions and practicing effective (hopefully) responses that will diffuse the ticking bomb that is my mom  :'(

To further complicate matters, my aunt and uncle will be visiting her in a few weeks. She is angry with me because they're coming to see the baby. She blames me for having to host them (she hates my aunt with a passion) citing that they would have never come if I hadn't had a baby.

In the past, she has used the presence of extended family to overstep my boundaries. She tests my loyalty by challenging me in front of others to see if I will call her out on her behavior or bite my tongue and bear it. If I do enforce a boundary in the presence of family, she causes a very traumatic scene and later accuses me of betraying her and making her look bad. I would give anything to not have to go through this again.   

SARA GIRL:

This is a safe place to vent, so nothing to be sorry about.  One purpose of posting is to vent.  Venting can be beneficial.

If there were no threats from mom, would you like to see your dad?  How was your relationship with him?

Why does your mom hate your aunt (mom's sister or sister-in-law?), was there some specific event?  I'm thinking your aunt has to be aware of the situation?

Any change that if your mom has to meet up with your aunt, that it doesn't happen at your house? If mom hates her, she should just stay at her own home and stay out of things.

Perhaps they all could visit at a restaurant or some other public place?  Is mom less apt to have a psychotic episode in a public place?  Have you ever had to call police out?

You are working so hard on this, you need a big hug  

Hello Sarah girl,

I agree with Naughty Nibbler - this is a safe place to talk about and to process our feelings and to talk about different options/solutions for our troubles... .

I, too, want to ask you about the issue of your forced estrangement from your father. How would you feel about it all if your mother wasn't in the picture. If, for example, your mother unexpectedly passed away, what would your own feelings be about a relationship with your father - would you want to reconnect?


Now that you are an adult, it is really not up to your mother to decide. If your feelings are strong enough in favor of reconnecting with your father, it would further open a way for you from under your mother's controlling influence at this critical time - she will either adjust, or not - that is up to her. (And chances are, she will eventually adjust)

It may even give you a way out of this particular dilemma of your mom being at your doorstep every day after she quits her job. How would you feel about that?

In any case - you feel the storm brewing, and believe me - you will weather it, it WILL pass. You are more resilient than you think! And we the forum is here for you.

However, most likely, there will be some upheaval. There most likely isn't any way around it.

As for boundaries - separating your life from the life of your mom is a good approach. As in - she wants to come over, you may be busy, or not be able to make time in your schedule to fit her needs (plan some family activities that will take you away/keep you "busy" AND happy together with your own husband and kids)

You can keep turning her down while validating her disappointment and frustration, and limiting your time together to what YOU want as opposed to what your mom wants.

Thanks so much for your support, Naughty Nibbler. My dad has had his own issues over the years. I've known him more as the monster who tortured my mom rather than the person who is my dad. My LC with my mom has helped me to see things a little differently. So in short, yes, if it wasn't for my mom, I would have contacted my dad. If you remove the fact that I kind of felt like I was stuck in the middle of the marriage, things between me and my dad were not completely awful. It's difficult to truly define the relationship because my feelings towards him were always influenced heavily by my mom.

My aunt is my mom's sister-in-law. She feels that my aunt is jealous of her and is mistreating my uncle. She thinks my aunt is actually trying to kill or harm my uncle. I don't agree at all. My aunt and uncle have been very happily married for over 35 years and have lived through some tragedy (they lost their son to suicide). They try to visit my mom on a regular basis because they like to visit family in general and are concerned about her in particular because she lives alone and has been through a bitter divorce. My aunt is actually a very nice person. She's an intellectual and tends be be less emotional about things.

My mom has used me as buffer from my aunt in the past. She is insisting on bringing them over here because she says I am the cause of the visit. I have suggested a public place and limited contact but my mom is adamant about having me look after them while she just complains and protests their presence.

My dad has called the police on her in the past when they were separating. She says he was just trying to act like the victim.

I won't have them visit me while I'm alone with the kids. I've decided that they can come over one time while my husband is home and we can go to my mom's one time as well. That is plenty of visiting for us.

She is not shy to throw tantrums in public. She has publicly raged at me many times in the past. Once it was when I was 12 and I messed up during the recital of a Mother's Day poem in front of the church congregation. She publicly disowned me and refused to let me go home with my family. It took hours for the people from the congregation to convince her to let me go home with my family. I have to work hard to deal with my PTSD. Every time there's a new potential situation where she can rage at me, I remember her past behavior and have anxiety about the future.

Pessim-optimist, I have thought about the possible positive side effect of having my mom off my case if I reach out to my dad. I do think it might cause her to act out violently and harm others or herself. She has already asked me to promise to tell her before I ever contact him. She feels that she got nothing in the divorce so my dad's estrangement from us should be his punishment. If I reach out, in her opinion, he will not be getting his due punishment.

Thank you for your support as well. I'm working on things to tell her to establish clear boundaries.  And thanks for making this a safe and supportive place to work through these feelings. I think I have come a long way but I see that I need to continue working through my anxiety.