BPDFamily.com

am i really ending a relationship with someone with BPD? please excuse me as i am going to ramble. my GF of 8 months and i have just broken up. i am 54 she is 40. until now i did not realise she had been diagnosed with BPD previously although at the time she was also had a brain tumour that was removed soon after about 20 months ago. she and her sisters were sexually abused by their father. i am not even sure she really has BPD regardless of the diagnosis. the relationship was great for 6 months, but no more intense than any other that i have had. i myself have been divorced twice, she has never been married, her last and longest relationship lasted 6 years and ended apparently when he did not support her through her treatment, although he did not feel the relationship had ended until i came into the picture. her grandfather when he first met me remarked "i hope this one last longer than the others". i can be moody at times and this has not helped. 2 months ago she said she was not sure if the relationship should go on. she still loved me but did not feel enough for me to continue. she says she should feel more but she does not and does not know why. she feels that she is stringing me along and using me and that this is not right. she is a lot more adventurous in bed than i am but i am very conservative eg i find oral sex difficult and unnecessary, my previous partners have never complained she says i should love "everything" about her. but this for her is not the main problem. it is that she should feel more for me and that she does not treat me well. after 2 months of living in limbo, we had sex a couple of times only, whereas before we having it every weekend. however we were only seeing each other every weekend and only occasionally during the week. which suited me fine as we both wanted to go slow and have our alone time. she also has a daughter (18) whose father is out of the picture. so for the last couple of months we have continued as before spending weekends with each other but little intimacy. sometimes she did not even wanted to be kissed (accept on the cheek) or touched in anyway. so a few days ago we talked and she reiterated what she said 2 months ago, but also said that i must be getting at least a little tired of all this. not only have i spent most of all my weekends with her, emotionally been there for her for all her subsequent appointments regarding follow up post removal of the brain tumour but consequent financial support due to her lack of work although she now has full time work she still has lots of days off. finally after chatting again about it, i asked her was she trying to say goodbye. she said she was. it ended very amicably, perhaps one of my better breakups. so am i really breaking up with someone with BPD?

Obviously none of us know the ins and outs of your relationship with this woman.  You mentioned she was uncertain and indecisive about your relationship. That could be an indicator that she isn't able to form intimate relationships with people, but based on that one detail we can't determine whether or not she's BPD.  What are her relationships like with her family and friends, ex's?  Was she ever depressed, did she ever shower you with praise and then soon after insult you? Is her history filled with tumultuous relationships and lots of drama?  Does her lifestyle and behavior seem chaotic and disordered?

My best advice would be to do lots of research on BPD, it's traits, it's symptoms and how it manifests in intimate relationships.  Do more research if you're really interested in understanding what BPD is. Otherwise, it sounds like you're fairly at peace with the breakup, maybe there's nothing more to read into it.

thankyou Wize. she seems to have a good relationships with her siblings, friends and mother and she is a wonderful aunt and appears to be at her happiest when playing the aunt. she does not see her ex's. she is being treated for depression. she has never showered me with praises and then insulted me. she is though capable of being mean to me. however she has insight into this and always apologies later. her home always appears to be disordered but that is a relative thing, i am very neat.

i guess i am concerned that i maybe doing research into this area unnecessarily. she did have a brain tumour for many years, that might have affected her behaviour. the other thing is that i have always moved on from a breakup and never looked back. but with her i am afraid if she does try to come back to me i will have kept the door open. whilst friends have said i have probably dodged a bullet here. i have set myself some boundaries so that if she is financially independent and the tumour has not come back, then i can be sure she wants me because she does want to be with me as partner not as a friend. but i suspect BPD clouds all this logic. the diagnosis was done by a pyschiatrist, but then i suspect BPD has a spectrum from mild to strong and symptom spectrum that is variable.

that said i am at peace with the breakup. being with her certainly had its pros and cons. nevertheless i am sadden that it has ended. just not sure i should close the door completely.