BPDFamily.com

Today, I was thinking about why I did something that still bothers me when I was with my exdBPDgf. In the beginning of our relationship, she was the one who raged at me and would become very angry with me over what I thought were minor problems. And then toward the end of our relationship, I became the one who was raging or angry because she wouldn't listen to me or she wouldn't accept my answers to her questions. She would just keep taking jabs at me by bringing up the past and all the things I did wrong through out the relationship. It was like she was trying to get me to react and for some reason I would stand there and take it. Kind of like I deserved it. Then I would get mad and act out. I was never physically violent with her but my words weren't always kind. It was like we switched roles in the end. And this seemed to make her happy. Like I was the one out of control. I've been out for almost 3 months and this still bothers me that I became like her. Is this normal?

I said hurtful things to my exgf and I knew it was wrong I just couldn't take the constant put downs and lies and manipulation, isolation, and threats any longer. I would tell her off because I knew it was dangerous to be with someone who would get me into trouble and call or pretend to call the police for things she was doing to me.

These people are so confusing and I've heard and fully believe that the brightest mental health professionals cannot understand nor treat them with much success so for us to tackle their issues all alone and attempt healthy relationships with them seems almost impossible if not foolish.

Not trying to deflect the blame for an abusive relationship but who is qualified to understand something or someone as irrational as a person with BPD?

I did plenty wrong and I never wanted to give up but most of that guilt was part of my exes playing the helpless victim so leaving was sure death for her, each time I left I was bombarded with suicide threats.

Don't be too hard on yourself WhoMe51

JerryRG,

Thanks for the encouragement. Sometimes it's hard not to be hard on myself. But I know I need to realize that this relationships really did a number on me.  It will just take some time to recover from it.

Hello WhoMe51,

Sometimes it is hard when you have to be the bigger one many times, pushed, raged at and projected.

Many times they can't handle looking within, resolving anything or taking blame so it is easy to push you and project until it ends. Then you are the bad person, you were mean, you raged etc then they can walk free and clear of anything in their mind.  Just a thought.

My experience mirrors your's very much so. Living, literally in a relationship with someone you love, and that person brings immense chaos, which at first you don't understand at all, for me at least, rubbed off.

I spent nearly the first 3 years of our relationship "diagnosing" her (not telling her, or at least not usually), first I thought it was NPD, then perhaps I though perhaps she fell somewhere on the aspergers spectrum (she's very smart but conflict resolution, anger outbursts etc, are linked to Aspergers).

It got to the point to where about a year and a half ago, I called my Ex-Girlfriend (whom I had been broken up with at that point for over 4 years - she was married by then). I called her crying. I just needed to talk to her.

Considering I broke off that relationship, and she was in fact heartbroken, she was actually very compassionate and talked to me for over an hour.

But not to stray, my question, my main question, to her was this:

"When we were together, for our 4 years, did I ever call you mean names? Did I ever say really mean, vicious things to you?"

She didnt pause a beat.

"No, we never fought like that. We hardly fought at all-- remember we just bickered like an old married couple".

She was right.

I responded "Ok I'm sorry, I just had to ask, because... .I couldnt remember".

The 3.5 years I had been with my current/on the out uBPDgf had in fact changed me. It really did.

In thinking a lot more about it after our talk, I honestly couldnt remember EVER calling my Ex (the married one now), a mean name at all. Maybe a few times I'd say stop acting so Bit%%hy... .but it was never "vicious".

But let me tell you, the things I have said to my current or about to be Ex, whom I've spent 5 years with now, I am ashamed of. And over the last year, now that I was aware of the change that occurred, I stopped. Not to say I havent slipped, but I'd say 90% reduction. Yet my sense of self esteem has been pounded-- literally.

Because she continues it. Its not uncommon on any given day, to be called horrendous names. She say's "I Hate You" like every other day. I've been called a Parasite. An Emotional Vampire. An Ungrateful C&$ksucker, the list goes on. Things, when I think to myself... .who talks like that?

And why am I allowing someone to EVER talk to me like so?

So to answer your question, I never spoke, or degraded any girl I ever dated, nor a friend, anyone, before my current GF.

But you know, people adapt. Kick a dog enough times, he's gonna bite back.

And like Andy Dufresne said in Shawshank... ."You know Red, Outside I was straight as an arrow, an honest man, never hurt a fly... .I had to be sent to prison, to become a criminal".

Theres something to be said for that.