BPDFamily.com

It seems to me that pwBPD are suffering in some sort of hell and intentionally or otherwise drag us down with them. My ex is viewing me as a terrible person right now and it hurts. I believe this is referred to as being 'painted black' and when I reflect back on our relationship I can see this dynamic in a lot of situations. I'm good then bad. Is this another defence and why do they think in polarities? What purpose does it serve? Why can’t they see grey?

I'm not an authority on this, but I believe it has to do with poor attachment. There's a time when a baby learns that their mother, who is sometimes angry/sad/distracted and sometimes loving and focused on them, is the same person. Something got screwed up with that for pwBPD, so on some primitive level they get stuck with that--not one person who exhibits different sides and moods. And that becomes their working model of love.

Once something happens once, the next time it's "always".

If you do something, even the most minor thing, say you're 10 minutes late-- and thats something that sets her off, the next time... .you're always late. You dont respect her. You dont value her time.

Mountains out of molehills.

Hi Larmoyant,

Splitting (or black and white thinking) is a typical defense mechanism used by someone with BPD to cope with their abandonment trauma. It appears that the closer we get to the pwBPD, the more likely it is that we will end up representing the original person with whom the pwBPD experienced their abandonment trauma (e.g. a parent when they were a child). We become the trigger for all that pain and the best way many people with BPD know how to deal is to split us into "all bad" or "all good." It's an immature way of coping, but it's the best a pwBPD can do in the moment, especially in the throes of dysregulation.

I understand your confusion. It happened to me in my relationship and it felt devastating to suddenly be cast in the role of a mother who so deeply hurt pwBPD.    PwBPD recovered quickly from that dysregulation, and understood it as such, but I knew it would happen again and again, and it was too painful for both of us.

ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) mentions "all or nothing" thinking as a coping mechanism. It is also a feature of people who are depressed. So, it's not exclusive to BPD, we all are susceptible.

Here is a very enlightening thread about Splitting (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.msg610822#msg610822)

What do you think?

heartandwhole

This is a very interesting thread because at times I never felt further away from my ex than when I lay in bed with my arms around her. It felt almost like at that point she was pushing me away because I was too close. In one of the last rows before the split, we were in this position when she suddenly asked me 'what annoyed you earlier was it our son'

I hadn't been annoyed & in his shirt life he has only annoyed me once, when I said this then suddenly she was up in arms and saying 'oh so you were not annoyed, father of the year'.

Absolutely baffling to think how something as positive as holding someone and telling them how much you love them can become a row because you love our child too.

This is going to take some time to process! I'll be back. Thank you.