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Hello all

Yesterday I realized I had been engaging in my own magical thinking.

As some of you know, I have mutual friends and even "adopted" relatives with my ex, and have no intent to give them up. I've taken care to take the higher road and usually actively avoid times I might see or hear about him. It's been almost four months since final break and ex continues to give me the full silent treatment and ghosting. I consult with my therapist about how to avoid or interact with mutual friends.

Yesterday I got some news about him. I knew I could say "stop" but decided I want to know. A relative told me that ex met with his brother in a restaurant last week. Ex was engaging all sorts of distortion and blame and ugliness, blaming me for everything, making me out to be a monster. Apparently his brother was having none of it, and kept gently but firmly confronting ex. Finally his brother had enough and told ex he is abusive. Ex blew up, flew out of his chair and started screaming "F you!" at his brother at the top of his lungs in the middle of this nice restaurant.

Needless to say, they got kicked out. My ex, the raging dude that gets kicked out of restaurants... .all while denying he has an anger problem.

I realized a few things almost immediately 1) I had been engaging in my own magical thinking, hoping ex was developing some insights or remorse. Nope. Not all. He is in exactly the same place, maybe even worse. How does someone do that? It's like treading water in Poison Pond. 2) I felt validated that ex is showing his true colors in front of others, and in public 3) I realized that ex will continue to blame me, and probably is blaming me for what he did in some even more distorted fashion 4) I felt flooded with feelings, having so many memories of ex screaming F you at me. I could see his contorted, rage-filled face, his balled hands, his menacing posture. And I thought: Thank God that is no longer in my life.

It's funny because this followed me losing it in therapy, and processing all this grief of loss. The grief is still so strong, and I feel this awful pain and sadness. And yet at the same time I am realizing I dodged a bullet, that I am missing someone that I am also thankful is not in my reality. Has anyone else felt like this?

I feel like this is a good step for me, because I no longer want that guy in my life.

Yes, Hurtin. I know where you are. It's the same for me. I both miss him and am glad he's not around anymore.

I haven't quite detached yet. He's still in my thoughts. I still miss him, but if he turned up, I wouldn't be pleased to see him because I'd struggle to handle getting rid of him. I wouldn't know how to get rid of him and be nice to him at the same time. I don't want him anymore, but I don't want the aggravation that would come from having to acknowledge that to him. I don't want to think of myself as being an unpleasant person. I feel I must always 'be nice'. So, I hope he stays away. He'll probably contact me to update me on the situation with the court case, because he's in court today. I'll say something inane but supportive and hope he can't be bothered to push for actual interaction. Otherwise, I'll have to stop hiding the fact I just don't want him anymore. I think I'm denying that to myself too. I think I'm missing the idea of being in love with someone and having someone be in love with me, missing the person I am when I'm happy, missing having someone to obsess about or text when I am bored with myself. The chaos was crazy, but I was never bored. Perhaps I am a chaos junkie.

Love Lifewriter

Thank you Lifewriter 

Isn't it odd, to miss someone you are relieved isn't around? I feel much the same. If he showed up I'd have to deal with him, and at this point the thought makes me feel icky and weird and sad and stressed. I'm also missing the happy parts, the person I thought I was for a time, the dreams I had... .not really him, not the person he was the last few years. That person is getting kicked out of restaurants. I'm just glad it wasn't met sitting across from him.

It's really sad. My ex was once very successful. He's destroying his own life.

About the chaos junkie idea, you know, I was expressing something like that to my therapist and she disagreed with me. She said I wasn't missing chaos, I was missing intermittent reinforcement. She said studies show that the most powerful form of manipulation is intermittent reinforcement, which is exactly what many with BPD/NPD traits do, intentionally or not. We never know when they are going to give us negative or happy times. They might give us 20 interactions that are negative, but suddenly give us 3 that are positive, then 101 negative reinforcements, then 13 positive, and so forth. We get completely uncertain, and spend all our time searching for the rarer moments of positive reinforcement, ignoring the negative times. She talked about studies they have done on animals and humans showing that intermittent reinforcement is such a powerful tool to make someone willing to do anything to please the abuser. Our minds start thinking that if only we do X or Y the intermittent reinforcement will become regular, healthy reinforcement. We are willing to accept the most awful treatment for that random reinforcement.

I'm not saying that is true for you, but for me the intermittent reinforcement is a form of chaos but it is also a way I thought I would eventually get my needs met. Does that make sense?

That makes loads of sense and it's far kinder too. Somehow the notion that I was addicted to the chaos never quite rang true for me. Thank you for that.

Lifewriter

To answer your question Hurtin: Yes, I will not miss the chaos. My BPD is still in the picture. But I can see the day when he is not, and the chaos (and much of it right now is in areas of his life that I am not a part of, which helps me remember that this is who he is) is what I focus on. If the relationship works out, than the chaos will become part of my life too and it terrifies me. If it doesn't, than I have dodged a bullet.

One more thing: If anything, I am addicted to the strong emotions he evokes in me.

Hurtin'NW,

This is a big realization  |iiii  It sounds to me like the beginning of the death of hope, which, in my experience, was a wonderful thing. At any rate, it is a major step toward accepting the reality of your situation, which is so helpful on the road to recovery, because, as you say, it challenges the thoughts and beliefs that keep us stuck.


Yes! I often wonder if what we miss is the person WE were when we were with our pwBPD? I know in my case, I tapped into my creativity more when I was with him, I talked more about my feelings (because he did and encouraged me to do so), I allowed myself to be more vulnerable, etc.

Now, some of that ended up correlating to a lot of pain during and after the breakup, but my point is: who are we when we believe in deep love? What parts of us come out to play when we feel understood and have hope for the future? After our healing, will these lovely characteristics go back into hiding?

I believe this picture of ourselves IS who we are. The relationship teased something out of us; parts that had been sleeping for a while? What I hope to do is take the "best" parts of what I re-discovered about myself during the relationship (along with the hard-learned lessons) and bring them into my life and next relationships on a more permanent basis. Hope that's not magical thinking!   

Any thoughts?

heartandwhole

See bold: Yes, I feel that way all the time. It creates cognitive dissonance. On the one hand you miss the person very much. On the other hand you're glad that they're gone because you know the situation is toxic. I get it. It's almost like missing a drug. Yea, the drug made you feel good, but in the long run it's harmful for your mental and physical health. The only difference is your ex is a person, which in my opinion makes it harder in certain ways and easier in others.