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I know that at the end of my r/s with my uBPDexgf, my confidence was at an all time low. In fact, it was nil. This didn't happen overnight mind you. It was after a long devaluation period that lasted for about six months. During this period of devaluation, I formed a strong friendship with my ex-fiancee. My uBPDexgf views the other woman as the root of all of our problems, but really, she was just a symptom. She was an attempt to band-aid the pain that my r/s was causing me. She worked really hard at being a supportive friend to keep me from doing something physically harmful or destructive to myself. That's how bad things had gotten for me.

There were periods of time that the other was shielded from my r/s with my uBPDexgf. But, the devaluation continued. At this point, I was devoting almost all of my time and energy to chasing my uBPDexgf. I had become a spineless, snivoling, whiny, angry, idiot because I had lost all of my self-confidence (well, what little there was to begin with, but that's a different discussion). We all know that no one finds someone without any confidence attractive. The more devaluation that I allowed, the less attractive she found me, and the more distant and abusive she became. Thus, the more my confidence suffered.

So, I'm curious, how many others experienced this?

I have experienced it.

I chased my BPD ex for 4 months once. The more I chased the more she mocked and laughed at me. As soon as I said I accepted her decision and agreed to move on to happiness elsewhere, she changed and began to speak of us as a couple. My confidence has nose dived after dealings with this woman, it is like I needed her to validate who I am and what I am and I should be doing that myself, for myself.

Hi Meili   



 to some extent.


It seems painful to have that feeling as if you're losing your self-confidence. I can relate. Even without my ex I could be more self-conscious than self-confident.

Also, I'm reading a sense of pain from self-judgments in this post. Let it out--you're most welcome here.

In the long term, do consider having a look over mindfulness (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.msg619341#msg619341) Meili. I think this is a good place to start if you're seeking to improve your self-confidence. You ideally want to look at your self-criticisms again as part of Acknowledgement (https://bpdfamily.com/detaching/01.htm) (I'm taking a guess, my apologies if I missed) when you are in a state of wise-mind. You'll find you can access forgiveness and an absence of inaccurate self-judgment, depending on where your self is at in that point of time. It's applicable even after separation.  |iiii

An example of what this can do is allow you to see things clearer. Instead of snivelling, its also indeed an accurate communication to say you are displaying a "tearful behaviour" to get what you seem to think you want. You can see it accurately communicates your feelings but it does things to take the edge off. Healing gets easier to do.

I hope you get some rest from the residual negative feelings.

Thank you for the link.

Actually, it isn't really self-judgment. It's looking at what I did and thinking about how I want to do things differently in the future.

I see.

Okay, so it's not so much about self-judgment. It sounds like you're looking at making changes. If that indeed's the case then this workshop (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.msg1548181#msg1548181) might provide some thoughts on looking at what you did (and might consider in the future).  |iiii

Yes, I'm working making changes. I'm letting go of a lot of past behaviors, trusting that the things that I fear won't have the results that I imagine, and dealing with them in a healthy manner if they do.

I love what 2010 said about the lonely child and abandoned child in that workshop. It fit my situation to a T.

I'm still nervous about outcomes, but I'm trying to just allow the feelings to exist and not control them. I'm also trying to not allow them to control me. That has been a big part of my past. I allowed my fears to dictate my choices. That has to stop.