BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone,

Reading a lot of the lessons here has really helped me diffuse a tough situation with my 3 month BPD GF. A lot of the things I've read here sound very familiar for the way she acts. It makes me a bit sad, because initially I thought that we were just perfect for each other (both grew up in the same high control religion), and she was super sweet and kind.

I have a main concern though, she has talked a lot of bad things about her ex boyfriends, and has told me with the last two (each lasting about 2 years) she cheated on them with the next. So 2 guys back, lets call him Mike, was a bit degrading to her because he required strange things sexually to get off, making her feel unattractive. Leading her to cheat on him with her last boyfriend. He seemed like a nice guy overall, but apparently their arguments were severe and he attributed a lot of her actions to her BPD. She cheated on him when we first got together.

This is my main concern, that she will leave me and cheat again. She went to therapy for 2 years but hasnt gone recently, she said is totally on board with going again, she made all the claims of idealization regarding me, wanting to get married early on ect. I really love this girl and she means a lot to me, but I've been cheated on before and she knows my story. I love her but I dont want to be fighting a loosing battle. What can I do?

From what i have researched BPD people cheat just as much as regular people. Its not a BPD thing I dont think but I may be wrong. I worried about the same thing. HOWEVER your girl has very low values and is a cheater. That being said she will probably cheat. Not because she is BPD but because when things arent right she cheats to get out of a relationship. One day she will not be happy with you. You cannot make her happy all the time. When she is unhappy with you she will probably cheat.

So she cheated on her last boyfriend with you after cheating on her next to last boyfriend with her last boyfriend... .  Not trying to be a jerk here, but how exactly do you see it being different this time?  I don't know about "once a cheater always a cheater," but I can tell you that I really like my wife's boyfriend prior to me and she cheated on him like crazy.  If you read through the board enough you'll find all sorts of stories about how BPD sufferers have awful tales of prior relationships, only you meet the folks involved and you think hey s/he's actually pretty cool. 

She may not cheat on you for some time, but if her pattern is securing her next relationship when it's time to hit the eject button with her current relationship, you better believe it will be your turn one day.

She has realized that I cannot make her happy all the time, due to recently her father passed away unexpectedly. We have talked about being happy with yourself in order to stay content, which largely brought up the topic of therapy. But seeing as she will probably cheat when she is unhappy or wants to get out of the relationship is terrifying for me, its really hard to leave her for something she hasn't done... yet.

She explained to me her reason for cheating was she felt trapped, and both of them had promised to marry her but it even came to that. She of course claims she would never cheat on me, and knows it is one of my main concerns. But she was also pretty shady and hid the cheating from her ex because she didnt want to face the drama, consequences ect.

I want to find a way to talk about it, but in my head I know nothing will change if she wants to cheat or feels trapped/unhappy.

My wife said she cheated because her prior lover couldn't satisfy her. Before that it was because he was too controlling. Before that it was because she was just too immature.  When she cheated on me early in our relationship (I wouldn't find this out till years later, and only after we were married) her reasoning was that we weren't that serious at the time, even though we were using the l word and not using protection.

One of the big issues you've gotta face is that there is no excuse for past cheating, and the only explanation that's worth a damn is "I don't have the maturity or self-control to honor my commitment to our relationship."

I thought I was different.  I may have been as our marriage progressed, but I certainly wasn't in the totality of our relationship.  Odds are you won't be either.

pwBPD easily compartmentalize their lives, hence if they do cheat, they see it as their business not yours, so the effect on you does not refrain them. On the other hand they are black and white so they can be the of mindset of total loyalty, or not at all. Neither is guaranteed to be permanent as it is not anchored in a deep sense of values, simply just a product of current circumstances and need.

Your relationship is new so there is no way of telling how it will pan out.

All past relationships will be trashed and treated like they have been treated badly, as that is how they move on. If they still believed it was good then they cannot validate not still being in it. Reality is they may not have been treated badly at all, and previous partners got fed the same history of being treated badly.

When my wife and I first started dating, she told me not to be with anyone else. So months later when we moved in together, she told me she had sex with a friend because "we were just dating" and she was afraid I was going to cheat. When I got upset, it caused her to get very upset. Somehow it was my fault that she thought I might have wanted to have sex with someone else. Years later this is still a huge issue for me. To her it was a non issue at the time and still is. To her it was like having her hair done. It has been washed and forgoten. She said she cheated on her previous husband because he sucked in bed. She really blamed him and she blamed me.

Yep people with BPD blame and project any uncomfortable emotion or event.  It is the self-defense mechanism they developed growing up.  It appears that cheating is a common event for her so there is a fairly good chance she will again, but I could be wrong.  What is acceptable behavior for your relationship?  Only you can decide what you'll put up with or what you won't.