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I work with my exBPDgf, and I agreed to a recycle knowing full well the consequences that go along with it. We began talking again and she seemed genuine in her willingness to change certain behaviors. We ended up sleeping together lasted being last night. This last recycle was basically sexually charge. She knows this is the best way to get me hooked again, and went out of her way to propose weird stuff, like doing it in public places. She would constantly joke about doing it in the workplace washrooms, or talking about other coworkers being caught having sex in the workplace.

Over the last week, I've also saw her exchanging glances with a new male employee. Never saw her speaking to him directly, but she would talk a lot about him to me directly red-flag

Fast forward to this morning. She passed by my office, and asked me if I wanted to accompany her outside for a smoke I got up to go with her, and she signaled to give her 5 minutes and to meet her outside. I waited about 7 mins and headed outside. She wasn't there. Another 3 or 4 minutes go by, and I finally hear the door open, and she stepped outside. I asked her what took her so long, and she said that she stopped to chat with somebody. We finished our break and headed back inside. As I'm approaching my office, I see the new guy, who wasn't there earlier that day walking to his desk. He wasn't there when I went outside.

I didn't think anything of it, and decided to stop by her office on my way out to lunch. She was very cold, and made it seem like I was bothering her. So I left. As I'm having lunch, I just replayed the whole episode in my head, and my gut was telling me she did something with this guy. Here are the reasons;

1. Two entrances to the building, and I've always seen him use the one by where we were out smoking.

2.Why did she ask me to wait 5 minutes, instead of walking together, and then she could have told me she needed to use the washroom.

3. She never told me the name of the person she stopped to talk to.

4. I know she has a crush on this guy, talked about him often.

5. Why the sudden talk about having sex in the workplace?

I might be paranoid (of course this is what she claimed) I think he must have texted her, saying he had just arrived. I believe she went and meet him. There are plenty of isolated nooks and crannies in that building for them to get together.Once they finished whatever they were doing, he goes back to the office, and she steps outside to meet me. Ultimately there were too many coincidences. I just don't have any proof.

I confronted her, and of course she denied it, and that I should stop accusing her. I immediately began having second doubts. It may seem far fetched, but too many things added up. She left angrily but I could see her struggling with her answers. When I asked who she stopped to talk to, she hesitated and gave a girl's name. I have no proof, and she's just added another reason to call me crazt and paranoid. Maybe I am. In the end it summarizes our relationship. I think she needs multiple sources of male validation. Flirts like crazy, admitted to having high testosterone levels. Is insatiable in bed, and could have sex multiple times a day. All this leads me to believe that she can't be in a monogomous relationship. Maybe this is the kick in the arse I nedeed to finally get it, that this woman is no good for me.

i think for a recycle to have much of a chance, there must be trust, or at least trust should be a goal both parties are working toward.


these are your views. they are in my mind, a valid reason to conclude a relationship, if that is what you want to do. is it?

Why is this a red flag insofar as cheating?  It's certainly one of the controlling behaviors pwBPD engage in, but it doesn't mean she's seeing him romantically.  My wife did this all the time and didn't cheat during our engagement and marriage.


It sure does. 


Yup.  You're with someone you accused of cheating because she was a few minutes late meeting you outside.  This is the type of thing pwBPD flip out over, not nons.  Further, why are you in a relationship with someone you distrust to the point that you assumed she was cheating because she took a few extra minutes to meet outside?  Finally, this guy is new and he's gonna risk getting fired for sexing your SO in the toilet?  Not.  Likely. 


Here's a thought:  have sex with her multiple times a day.  If she's insatiable, sate her.  If this relationship is about the sex for you, get sex.

Not trying to be harsh or a buzz kill, but you know the risks and you know the solution: leave or step up. 

If it was about the sex, why get so worked up over the glances and being a few minutes late?


While I agree with this in theory, we all can get  my-issues 's from our r/s with disordered people. That causes us to do strange things too if we don't keep ourselves in check.

It's almost impossible to get substantial proof of a BPD cheating when they are trying to hide it. If you have a gut feeling that she cheated, then she most likely did. I had a gut feeling so strong that I couldn't eat properly or sleep for days. Your gut feeling is your brain picking up on things that are out of the ordinary or don't make sense, things that you might not even consciously notice. When I confronted her with what I was feeling, she attacked me and tried to make me seem like an idiot. To make sure I wasn't crazy, I even googled 'common signs your partner might be cheating' and my stomach sunk when I saw that she was exhibiting many of the signs.

To have someone that is supposedly so in love with you to be lying and seeing someone else behind your back, is one of the most sickening feelings imaginable.


That sounds exactly how my BPD reacted when I accused her of cheating. She got extremely defensive over me asking simple questions. She would lie about things that she would have no reason to lie about otherwise, like where she was. Things just didn't add up. When I confronted her, she struggled with answers. The answers she gave me weren't believable and she didn't say them with conviction. She asked "Well who do you think I'm cheating with?", I replied with the guys name and her voice suddenly went meek (like she had an 'oh ___ he knows' moment), and she stammered "n-n-no, you know I don't like guys like him". If she really hadn't been cheating, I'd expect her to reply with incredulity to my 'baseless' accusations.

Could be fleas, but then again maybe it's a sense of self-preservation. I'd listen to your instincts. Alarms bells were loudly ringing and I went off on a mission to find out what was going on and sure enough found it. Feeling sick to my stomach I checked his phone messages and he’d asked someone out. I also found him on several dating sites. The fear and the anxiety were horrible. I confronted him only to be met with excuses and denial. I never want to experience anything like that again.

I made the mistake in that I believed that I could remain detached from her emotionally. I thought I could enjoy some time with her, mostly for the sex and not get hurt by all the rest. We were communicating better and I was willing to let some things go., thinking a different approach was what I needed. I knew full well that she needs and craves male attention. I witnessed this many times. I've seen a missed call from an ex that was supposedly out of her life. I've seen things in her apartment that definitely indicted the presence of males. I knew all this before agreeing to the recycle.

We spent an amazing night together, and boom I became attached again. The day I accused her of cheating, she had began to treat me differently. It seemed like I was an annoyance, almost like I felt I was devalued ... .again, and the new guy was idealized. I based my accusations, on what I saw. Too many coincidences. In the end I had no proof and I feel foolish, even though my gut tells me that she deliberately went out of her way to keep me aside so that she could see this guy. She might have done nothing but speak to him, I just feel like I was used like a pawn, where the night before we were lovers.

Where do I go from here? Ultimately I know a LTR with her could never work, and sticking around her for sex and company, isn't healthy, and I've shown that I do not have the ability to detach and concentrate on the good, while closing my eyes to the bad.

I don't know if it's worth rehashing the whole event, which will only lead to her crucifying me, for being such an awful human being, or do I just cut the cord, go no contact, even though I have to see her everyday.

Your story sounds very similar to mine.

I originally pursued an emotionally detached friends-with-benefits relationship with my BPD, mostly for sex as well. Within 1 month we were officially going out and I was hooked emotionally. After our first break-up I was very hesitant to fall for her again but she clawed her way back into my life, and my heart. They really are masters at knowing how to get you to fall for them and care for them. The first time I suspected her cheating (and there was strong evidence), I denied it all just to keep the fantasy going.


Judging from what you've said in this thread, I'd say she definitely cheated. They basically all cheat. You said she craves male attention, well mine had no male friends and wasn't over-the-top when speaking to men, but she still ended up cheating on me twice. They just need to prove to themselves that they aren't deeply unlovable, and one person's love isn't enough. I kept telling myself that my love and care would be enough for her, but I was wrong.


You're just going to have to accept that she's mentally ill and incapable of a normal relationship. It's so hard to let go of the fantasy, I'm still struggling with the same thing right now. What helps me is to focus hard on all the negative and odd behaviours she has displayed during and after the relationship. I even wrote down a list of all the abuse and drama she put me through, and I read it if I am feeling weak.


Unfortunately you are forced to see her at work, I can only imagine how painful that would be. You don't need to explain yourself or anything to her. Since no contact seems basically impossible as you work together, try this metheod ( https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm ). Basically you just act extremely boring, don't show them any emotion so they have nothing to feed off. However, it will probably take a while before she leaves you alone. Expect to have jealousy games and mind games played on you. It won't be easy. Good luck.