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It just occurred to me that maybe until I've said so clearly, it's not actually over!



Because I simply stopped communicating, met him by accident a week later and ignored him (never did anything like that before), and then had no further contact for another 7 or 8 weeks - in my mind, it's over. This is the record for N/C - previously it had been a month - and things were so bad at the end, and I so much with the fight gone out of me, that I didn't see how there could be any confusion about it.

Yesterday I got a phone call from him. I had previously thought what I'd do if I got a phone call and decided I'd not answer. But because I'd spent some time on this site, the whole thing about communication and the tools was more in my head again, rather than the fact that I was NC for a reason! Stupid me. Anyway, I answered.

He wanted some books back that I'd borrowed, I said 'of course' and pleasantly and neutrally suggested where I could leave them for him to pick up. I asked if there was anything else of his I had, and then said 'no, I think that's it actually'. Then he asked if I had anything to say. "Have you anything to say".   Out of habit, I answered "Lots of things and none things, I don't know".  (WHAT! What are you saying? Stop it, you have nothing whatsoever to say. Do not go all JADE, woman! Don't open any cracks, noo!)

OF course he caught that immediately and said "what lots of things". So, very reasonably I explained that I'd been caught on the hop, that he was the last person I'd expected to hear from and that I couldn't get my head together that fast. I said "I'm not being difficult. Sorry"   (AAAAAAHHHH!)

Then I switched topics and said, using a friendly tone, "How are you anyway, how's the writing going, if I may ask"  (SHUT UP already!)  He's got a big project, that I suspect is killing him, with a September deadline. He paused, exhaled pointedly, and said " Just let me know when you've left the books". "Ok, will do, bye then", said I simply. 



I know he will find plenty of fault even with that short conversation. I didn't ask about his daughter, even though I wanted to, because I know from previous experience that he would not have answered. Had I asked nothing, that would have been bad. That I asked anything is also bad.

I called him back that evening to say exactly where they were and no more.  That was it. 

The fact that he asked if I had anything to say stayed in my mind. It is entirely possible, that despite everything, some part of him has convinced himself that I have not finished with him.  I have, I absolutely have.  Wild horses, as they say.

But it worries me a tiny bit, that if there is any chink of light for him, he will find some other pretext to call and hearing his voice and the attitude in it does me no good at all. I really wish he could just disappear entirely, so little wish have I to know anything of his life now. Even though I miss his daughter, with whom I got close over the 2 years. That's another story.

Question: should I call him and say definitively "we're done, just in case you haven't copped on to that, so good luck with things and don't contact me again". Or words to that effect?

Should I write a very brief email?

We communicated so much by writing and chats and sms, it both makes me queasy to think of all those typed words and the power they carried, while at the same time making me think it's completely fitting.

Or is calling him more adult somehow? Obviously in the normal world people would do this face to face. But we've done all that a dozen times and there's no way I'm seeing him.

ALL I want is for him to get the fact that we are done. He must know anyway but I can just see him convincing himself that he's waiting for me. Even though last year, while we were on again - off again, he was carrying on with someone else. Just saying.

What should I do? I do not want to start any discussion. I do not want anything more from him and I have absolutely nothing left unsaid. So there is no explanation or anything like that. Just the finality of a formal finish.

Is it worth it? Is it necessary? Please help!

I wouldn't open the door if you're truly done with him.

What I'm discovering with my x is that my showing her that I have not abandoned her and that I still care has shown her that she's still in control and can still inflict pain. I've had to start the whole detachment process over again.

My question to you is why would you worry about his not knowing if it's truly over? Don't you think that he's an adult and can figure that out on his own? Why invite the trouble?

Ehm, because he's totally not an adult?  :)

Ok, so in your opinion, I continue NC, even though I never said officially that's what I was doing?

Next time he rings I just don't answer.

It just seems so ridiculous.

Thank you for replying !

I agree, much of this seems pretty childish for adults to do. But, remember, we are dealing with emotional children here.

Staying NC is just my opinion. You'll know what's right for you. Good luck and keep us posted!

VitaminC,

I think what you have done so far is perfect.  If your done, let the wound heal... .don't put yourself in a situation to get it ripped back open.  If he wants to reach out, he can and you can decide what to do then.  You handled the book situation very well.  Who cares what he thinks... .if he doesn't know it's "over" now he will in time... .  All that really matters is that you know it's over and your focusing on you.  I don't see any need of communicating with him a direct "it's over."

If your detached enough, it's ok for you to answer the phone.  The no contact is put into place to give you time to catch your breath and not endure additional damage.  It is meant to be temporary, not intended for years. I think the website states 6-8 weeks.

Take care and keep moving forward!

Bunny

Thank you, Bunny.  That's helpful.   You said all the things I needed to hear :)

It's as I thought, however, after two months he now sent a message saying his daughter had asked about me today and if I wanted to see her, to let him know. 

What a creep, I am certain it's not the first time she's asked about me by a long shot.  I texted back immediately saying "If course I'd like to see her. What's her schedule these days? I can arrange to be free tomorrow or Friday afternoon".

It'll be fun not getting a response now, or else a last minute one, and then having to see him & whatever mask he decides to present that day.

How do people that have kids together manage at all?