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     just wondering the above thanks

Not back on track for more than a few days, sadly nope. We deserve better than this endless cycle which is why I'm  not even trying to be painted white again now!

Ask yourself why you're willing to be treated that way... .

it doesn't feel like a cycle yet to me -it is linear-there is no way of knowing if i will ever see him or speak to him ever again -I will certainly not initiate contact

i would only get back with him with strict clear boundaries he would have to demonstrate by actions over a 6 month period that he was engaging in weekly trauma/dbt/compassion mind/schema therapy, support groups, reading about condition, self help -before i'd entertain a date

I know I'm focusing on a very small speck of potential -but it's there in my mind

Just curious

Yes, in a way. PM message me and I can explain

Yes, I was! We didn't last very long when we got back together though, and now I've been discarded and then replaced again!

The common wisdom on this board seems to be that the recycle lasts much shorter then the original relationship. That was true for my ex and I -- we had three times of being together-- the first lasted 9 months, the second 6 months, and the third 3 months. How long have you all been together? 

We were together 2 and a half years. He was lovely to me a great deal but lots of hidden subtext and control beneath that im only just understanding with hindsight. I think he is very damaged but I believe he has the ability to work on himself. All out of my control I know. Probably an angle i shouldn't b focusing on but recovery / detachment process isn't linear. Ive pmd u narkis thanks! Xx

In short ... .yes! Worst decision I ever made. When I think I could have been free of this mess 6 months ago. Recycling for me always involved me caving in to the belief that she would change at least some of her behaviors, which of course never happened. If anything, it was just an excuse for her to inflict more emotional abuse, and convincing me that I was the reason why we didn't work out, and what a horrible person I was. I think she resented me taking her back, making her hate me even more.

In the last recycle I felt strong enough to handle her, and my plan was just to enjoy the sex with her. Worked for 24 hours, before she got me emotionally involved again. She is hypersensitive, and new something was different in me. It was creepy sometimes she would just stare at me looking straight in my eyes. I saw a multitude of emotions from her face. I sometimes saw anger, then a smirk or a fake smile. I knew there that she had me devalued again. The only time I saw her genuine is when she first woke up in the morning. I could swear sometimes she had the look of a scared little girl in her eyes. Its hard to explain.

Thanks

I'm interested in success stories -i.e long term success with just 1 recycle -when the ex BPD does a lot of work on themselves

What's a lot of work in your mind?  Every professional I've spoken with has told me DBT takes significant time to have ANY effect, requires total commitment from the patient, and that it generally takes 1.5-2 years to for the symptoms to remit. 

Also, my wife has been doing significant work for months in a dedicated environment where all she has to focus on is her recovery and I can't tell that anything is different.  As a matter of fact, she's not exactly been a model patient... .

You've said it yourself - you have to let go of the outcome and focus on you.  He may get better with therapy, but it would take time and commitment.  You can't make him (I know you know this) and the scary thing is this:  what if he views therapy as worse than the state he's in currently?  What if he decompensates from bringing whatever's trapped inside him to the forefront?  What if therapy causes him to realize that he was in a relationship with you for all the wrong reasons (apparently what happened in my situation, and wrong reasons can be as simple as "that's what I thought I was supposed to do)?

There's only one way for this to go right and dozens of ways it can go wrong.  I'm hopeful as hell that my wife recovers; I've finally come to grips with the fact that it's only one of many, many outcomes.

I don't have a success story, but I do have a tale that may give you hope.  A former BPD gf and I became friends in recent months.  If I were willing she wanted to try dating again.  I've reconciled myself to a few physical relationships that I maintain with little effort and I rejected her offer.  I'm glad to have her as a friends and I am in no way saying you should do what I've done, essentially give up on anything meaningful, but you could have this experience too.  Just don't burn the bridge, keep the door open and maybe he will come to realize what he's lost.  I would however recommend that you try to move on with your life without him.  Whether he is in your life or not you need to take care of YOU. 

Hi CherryBlossom. Ok. It happened again. Just as things were stable and close. After telling me he wanted me to wait for him, even that he was packing his things, the next thing I learn is that his wife is going with him out of state to sell some property. He told me an hour before they left. After he got back, I told him how I felt. He made it sound that I was being unreasonable. Then he told me that he didn't think it would work because of my kids (until now, he always told me that opposite). Haven't heard from his since. Sorry.

I'm sorry to hear that. Glad you as me have found this online support network to cope with coming to terms with a BPD relationship and its end.  |iiii I'm back to coming to terms with accepting it's over. 1 step forward 2 back for me I'm afraid but again endlessly glad for this site. I think I've let hope gone and it's a dead depressing place. Lots of painful feelings I'm trying to process -even in my dreams. Glad I'm in therapy too. Literally in limbo with no clue who I am, what my motivations are, what other's motivations are, whether my world view is accurate or not... .the complete nothingness is killing me atm -basically silent treatment since the split Oct last year -or very controlled sparse unemotional communication with no depth whatsoever. The only way is up from here

It's so easy to lose ourselves. We put everything we have into the relationship. I still don't understand why they don't value the love and intimacy and acceptance especially because they say that is what they want.  If yours came back, what then? Probably the same thing over ad over again

I think it's because they have trust and commitment issues. If I didn't I  -most certainly do now!