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I'm just trying to fight the urge of wanting to visit my ex this upcoming 7 off.

She texted me on June 17th to say that she wants to cut off contact with me forever. This was two days after she offered to cook me dinner, which I agreed because I'm an idiot who likes free food. For some of you who knows a bit about the story, this is not the first time she mentioned we should have no contact.

This Tuesday, I noticed she unblocked me from FB. Surprisingly, she still has my sister and my friends' wives on her friend list. One of them confirmed that she hasn't said anything vindictive or weird about me on it.

Worst part, because of my own poor decisions, there's a good chance she could be pregnant because we had unprotected encounter earlier in June when it was near the middle of her cycle.

I don't know why I want to jump back in. Me going to see her would fit her victim narrative perfectly. I was just starting to feel more confident about moving on right before she unblocked me. Now, I have doubts again. I am just angry with myself... .

This is tough, Leonis. I know how hard it is when head and heart are battling... .been there, and it wasn't pretty.

You say you want to "fight the urge," and that you "don't know why you want to jump back in."

Something is telling you that this is not a good move. Maybe there are some feelings that you are looking to soothe by re-engaging? Is there something you don't want to feel right now?

heartandwhole

Deep down, part of me wants to always be part of her life. But, everything logical and sane tells me it's a bad idea.

The only way things could ever work between her and me is she somehow addresses her issues. It's highly unlikely it'll happen, given how much I've read about pwBPD and people who display traits of it.

I'm fighting the urge because I know it's a bad move that would only give her narrative the leverage it needs. That I was the unstable one in the relationship. That I forced her to continue the relationship, so on.

Yo, I know it's hard bro and far easier said than done. But in those moments that are toughest, when you find yourself having a weak moment (and you are only human) try and trust those instincts. I had a gut feeling telling me I should break off my engagement but I drowned the voices out. What I wouldn't give for those two years back. Now I'm 4 months separated still finding myself fighting against my instincts telling me not to go back unless serious change happens. STILL after all the unhealthy, toxic, miserable days that FAR outweigh the good times, I find myself wanting to hear from her, wanting to be with her again. So I know it's incredibly easy to say trust your instincts and don't falter, but much much harder to do. Stay strong.

Orange

I agree with HAW. I struggle with the same types of feelings Leonis. I'd been torn between the feelings of wanting out and back in at the same time. It was maddening. People saying "trust your gut" was of little help because which feeling was my gut telling me to pay attention to?

I finally had to sit down and figure out what I wanted out of my life for myself and what I wanted it to look like. I decided that want cannot be contingent on anyone else. Once I decided that, it all became much less conflicted [as long as I keep my eye on my goal(s)]. It's when I forget that anyone in my life will only be a benefit from now on that I get emotional again.

Do you know what your goal(s) are for yourself?

Professionally? Either attempting to apply to med school next year. However, given my abilities, I think I have a better chance applying to be a pathologist assistant program. It'll still be a master level thing and I would still work in the lab, but just a little more prestigious.

As for personal life? Nothing. None. I used to hope I could one day have a stable family of my own because that's something I didn't have. Now, I'm not even sure if that's possible for me.

Forget the family for a moment, what do YOU want want for you? You mentioned med school. Go from there.

Working on that. I probably won't get in for the next school year, but I can try again next year.

Besides, I'm more confident about getting into PA school than med school to be honest.

I used to hope I could one day have a stable family of my own because that's something I didn't have. Now, I'm not even sure if that's possible for me.
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Honestly, if you are able to come out on the other side of this experience with lessons learned, you may find that you are more prepared for life with a stable family than the average joe. I can't imagine going through this type of experience and not really learning a lot about yourself, and how functional relationships *should* look. It sucks to have to take it on the chin like this to arrive at that place, but I believe we all are presented the path that we are for a reason. I know it is difficult to be positive while going through this type of thing. Hell, I just spent the whole weekend pissing about and sleeping. But the thought of being even a small bit of positive encouragement for others going through this right now takes a bit of the sting out. You've encouraged me bro, so you can at least feel good about that.

I'm glad my posts are of some help.

At this point, I just hope there's not a train wreck heading my way because of my poor decisions.

"Then it comes to be that the soothing light at the end of your tunnel,
was just a freight train coming your way"

I heard those lyrics not long after the wedding and they struck a very deep cord.

OK, the school stuff is a good start, but what about YOU? What do you want for YOU?

I know that I'm being pushy, but you are so much more than school, career, and family. You are an important individual that needs and wants things for himself that don't center around a job or someone else. YOU are the important part of this equation.

What else is there? Besides those things, everything else seem pretty optional to me.

It makes me sad to read that. Although, I will admit that until fairly recently I lived much like that.

There is any other infinite amount of things! If all that exists is work and family, where are you? Where is the individual? In that situation, there is only a cog, not a separate, independent thing.

I can see that there is more to you than just sustaining yourself until you die though. Underneath those statements lies something to be realized. If it didn't, you wouldn't be worried about getting an education so as to have a decent job, you'd just be living day to day, earning just enough to survive. So, there must be more if you dig a little bit.

The highlighted word is ironic, at best, and probably sums up the problems that arise with overemphasized "individuality".

What do you want me have anyways? More friends than I already have? More hobbies than I already enjoy? Mate, what I WANT for myself seems to be pretty well established in this thread already. I'm getting an education because I'm NOWHERE near where I want to be career-wise. I want a stable family because it's one of my GOALS.

I don't care if there are INFINITE more shenanigans in this life, I am simply NOT interested in ALL of them. It's like me telling you, "why don't you go run a bloody marathon" when it's just not your cup of tea. Some people find enjoyment in things which others find boring, all right?

All that I want for you is happiness. If that's how you define it, who am I to say that it's wrong. No one.  :)

I respect your decisions and definition btw.

I hope I'm not coming off too strong on that one. Just saying how I feel because a lot people, especially guys my age and I'm 27, generally roll their eyes on the idea of family and successful careers.

No, not to strong. I think that speaking your mind is highly important.

Hi Leoni,  I read your post and Mr orange I right. Go with your instinct. When I first met my now ex wife, she up and quit talking to me one day, I was baffled and she wouldn't tell me what I did, she said if you don't know what you did, there's no sense in telling you. I couldn't absorbe that kind of logic. My gut said run and run far, but I didn't.  The only good thing to come out of this hellish union was s9. And she makes that as as horrable and miserable as she can. If she's pregnant, be there for your child, not her. It's better the child live out of a broken home than in one and if she's not pregnant, and this is easier said than done bc I lived it, count your lucky stars and get your self out of her life. Stay off social media. I have never been on Facebook and wouldn't know where to start. My life is rolling along pretty good with out it. S9 will soon be s10. Take my advice, if she is pregnant get a good lawyer and start the ball rolling. I didn't do that and my kindness and compromising personality was used to crush me. Be very prepared to go to court and play ruthless hard ball for the sake of your child, if she is pregnant. Go to court get an iron clad seal the deal court order and be gone of her. In my experience only broken hearted misery can come from someone with a pd.

Confession time:

Today, I actually stopped by her place today. To my surprise, she answered the door. What's even more surprising was that she was civil about it.

She asked me how I was and if I needed to talk. She followed up by saying that she's very busy today, perhaps another time. We didn't make any arrangements and we politely wished each other a good day as I walked off.

For some reason, this brought a smile to my face because she wasn't going all hostile. Oddly, I think it made it easier for me to walk away from the situation feeling that my ex is not such a monster after all. Too bad it's still too early to tell if she's pregnant. I just couldn't be that blunt and it's only been a month since we had that unprotected encounter near the middle of her cycle. There were two encounters actually and the second one was a week after the first.

Still doesn't put me at complete ease, but at least I hope I won't have to worry about some insane backlash later in the foreseeable future.