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I woke up today feeling unusually peaceful.  Perhaps it's due to putting so much energy into the healing and emotional processing of my breakup.  Have any of you experienced moments of breakthrough where you know you just made progress?  Is that how healing works? 

Weirdly enough, getting an STD test and discovering she gave me herpes 1 was a big healing moment for me. It's when I finally "closed the door" to hope. I remember wanting to be furious, but realized how much this particular betrayal was actually pushing me into a much more detached mindset, I'm almost glad it happened.

healing works differently for all of us, and one way is as good as any other (as opposed to detaching, where there are healthy and unhealthy ways of detaching). in my case, most of my progress was seen in hindsight (probably, at the time, the concept of "progress" might even have been triggering). things got better with or without me noticing, id keep putting one foot in front of the other and then look back and see the difference it had made. healing was, for me, something of a leap of faith.

you also mention you have put a lot of energy into healing, so it makes sense that you would see the payoff, and i imagine it must be encouraging. enjoy your peaceful day, celebrate it, and i hope that it continues to build.

Hi Wize

I have found some days I have been full of hope and felt healed and then the day after felt awful.

It is not linear and you might find yourself going backwards at points. But I hope you keep moving forward.  :)

Agreed.  Although this feels more like internalized and processed healing rather than just a good day. Sort of like the pain is fading a bit.   

Yes, I've experienced those, and I've experienced them more as my focus shifted off my ex (and why she did what she did) and onto me (why I stayed). There can be rough days in between; the trick is not to regard them as a setback. It's ALL part of the journey towards healing.

I remember my biggest healing moment was the day I moved out.  He kept going back and forth with wanting me and not wanting me.  I was getting physically sick to my stomach, I just knew as soon as I got away and out from under is control, I would be fine.  The moment I set the last box down in my car, I just cried and smiled.  I'm not sure what the symbolism was maybe "I" don't want this anymore or I deserve so much more or maybe it was just realizing I had the strength and got out - a very proud moment for me.  I just remember I never looked back. I moved forward with healing myself but I didn't think about the relationship.  I felt like I said "no" and "that's my final answer."  Making a firm decision is what really helped me to get to the healing process.  I feel for those that go back and forth still... .gosh such a hard place to be when your emotions are torn.

Bunny  

I think there's something primitive inside of us that knows we are in a dangerous situation and we must remove ourselves.  When we do, we feel safe again. 

jhkbuzz, yes! It's not about setbacks or sliding back, it's just about the journey. 

For me, the big breakthrough was accepting that there wouldn't be a specific time when I would suddenly stop caring about her, or stop hurting from pain.  So long as I "honored" the pain by continuing to take care of myself, by finding ways to validate myself, and by reinforcing the idea that I am capable of taking care of myself during this healing process, then it always got easier.  I learned that I didn't need to rush the healing process -- the impatience of being "over it" probably contributed to delaying the healing process more than anything else.

Seeing the process as grief work helped a lot also.  The pain comes in waves.  The waves are frequent and intense in the beginning.  But as you heal, the waves happen further apart and the pain diminishes in intensity.  Right now its more like a hum that I need to focus on in order to notice.  And every once in a while it helps to look out into the ocean's horizon and watch the ripples.

I've found those moments of unexpected peace, or even happiness, are big steps. It's great to stay aware of when that happens, because you will find those moments of sunbreak through the dark clouds come more often, and stay longer. You might notice yourself ruminating less, or revisiting hard times less. I've found it very helpful for my detaching to pay close attention to those times, and celebrate them. Good work, Wize!

I remember during my first divorce 14 years ago my mom bought me a plant. 4 months after she gave it to me it bloomed these beautiful red flowers. I was so happy. I stepped out onto my deck in the sunshine holding my plant and I knew right then that the worst was behind me. It was a new day. My mom took a picture of me holding the plant, smiling. It was the first genuine smile in a long time.

This is pretty much what I'm experiencing right now. It's sort of weird really...

I don't hold anything against her. I just don't see the point. I accept that I do love her still, probably will for a very long time. But at the same time I don't feel like contacting her, in fact I'm pretty sure I won't initiate it ever.

I understand that she loves another man and I'm not upset over it, or at least learning to be ok with it. She should have the chance to be happy too.

I'm not mad, I understand why she did certain things, I understand parts of her behaviour better and I don't think it was done out of malice.

I accept that some things are beyond my control and I'm sort of ok with that, I think. She did make me realise that I may be lacking in some parts of my life and I do agree, seems like a good time for me to address that as well.

I remember reading that post, and thinking it could serve as a blessing in disguise. I thought of telling you that it might serve you in detachment but I decided not to. Glad you're in a better place.

Yes, Wize, I've had those moments of peace too. There was a day last week when I felt totally back to myself. I had a good day of work-- I think that's what helped get me to that "myself" feeling. Then a couple of days this week, I woke up feeling really peaceful, and just relished that feeling. The rumination came back later, and some of the impatience and anxiety and grumpiness, but for a while I was at peace. Also, I've have some really nice dreams-- just happy, interesting ones. All those have felt like little oasises (is that the plural?) in this difficult time.