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Hello,  I'm 28 years old. I'm currently only a few days out from the ground zero of being dumped and abandoned by the woman who I thought was the person I would spend the rest of my life with.

I would like to preface this by apologizing for how lengthy & most likely rambling this diatribe will be. I imagine that once I finish typing this up, I will be amazed if anyone reads it due to the sheer length of my story and how convoluted this whole situation is.

As I mentioned above, I'm 28 years old and I live in the outskirts of a major city in the eastern United States. I work in the healthcare industry and was fortunate enough to have a great education including a bachelor's degree and MBA from a private university. When I really step back and look at how lucky I am in my life, it makes me feel from an objective perspective that my problems are trivial. However; no amount of logic that I apply to these feelings breaks me from the miserable haze that I am in which is why I sought out a forum of other's whom may have had similar experiences as even though this won't be a magic cure-all, it will hopefully provide me with some knowledge and understanding.

To begin, I do believe that I am somewhat of a co-dependent person and that this weakness of mine makes the situation that I'm in even more difficult to experience. I intentionally avoided relationships during most of my teenage years, I had seen the pain and misery it had caused to friends and it just didn't seem like something that I wanted to involve myself in. This changed when I was 19 and entered into my first long term relationship with a girl that I met at college. I'm skipping a lot here, but since then I have been a serial monogamist and have gone maybe 1/2 months in the past 9 years of my life where I didn't have a girlfriend as I have been involved in 3 successive long term relationships.

Now to the reason that I am here, the relationship that I am now no longer in and is causing me immeasurable emotional pain.

I am from a small town and always had dreams to move to the big city and have a successful career. I was able to act upon this dream a bit over a year ago and moved to the city with a great new job and an awesome apartment right downtown in a lively area of the city. About a week into being here, I met a girl at a bar and didn't think much of it. I was fresh out of the prior long term relationship and this girl was so beautiful and easy to talk to that my low self-confidence stemming from my recent break-up made me think that I didn't have a chance with her. I realized pretty quickly that I did have a chance with this girl so I went for it, and within the next month or so I found myself in yet another committed relationship.

To me, this girl really was different. I could talk to her about everything, I could spend seemingly endless amounts of time with her and not get tired of it, whereas in the past I had always needed ample time on my own as it was how I relaxed. This girl was pretty, well educated and worldly as she was from the other side of the planet and had lived in many different places which I really respected. We began to spend almost all of our free time together and I fell in love with this person. While I had thought that I was "in love" in prior relationships, this was on a totally different level that I had never before experienced. I trusted this person and I told these things to them in time, that I loved them, that this was new for me and something I had never experienced before. She said that she loved me too and was truly what I imagined the perfect girlfriend to be.

The relationship progressed as normal and for the next year or so, we had such a great thing (I thought) and she was constantly talking about our future, how much she loved me and how I was perfect for her. I introduced her to my family and friends and integrated her into every aspect of my life. We had a few minor disagreements along the way but they were quickly smoothed over because we communicated so well and could rationally discuss any problem to get through it together.

At this time, we both came to a point where we needed to leave our current apartments for different reasons. I had never before lived with a girlfriend because it scared me, whereas she had lived with multiple boyfriends in the past as she was a couple years older than me and had more relationship experience. The topic came up and we both agreed that moving in together would be wonderful because of how great everything was in the relationship. Despite being younger, I am farther along in my career and she was just starting out in this country and I always wanted to help her have a leg up at this. She got a job in a suburb outside of the city and would not be earning enough money to own a car. I agreed to move to an apartment about a 5 minute walk from her new office, even though this left me with a hellish commute to my current job that I was not looking forward to. I had my doubts about this but I truly thought that I was doing the right thing, I felt as though I was already secure in my career and that doing this would be an altruistic way to help the person whom I care most about and I was happy to do this as I believed that they would have done the same thing for me if the situation was reversed.

Living together at first was exactly what I thought it would be, we saw each other every evening after work and had a routine of togetherness. Because I had never lived with a girlfriend and hadn't even had a roommate since my freshman year in college, I did have some adjusting to do to acclimate myself to this current situation and it was something that I was slowly figuring out.

About a month into this, while eating dinner at a restaurant, she dropped a bomb on me. She had been hired at a different job that was back in the downtown area where we both used to live separately, she had lied to me about where she was on various nights and was looking at apartments without telling me. She was to be moving out soon and no longer wanted to be in a relationship with me, her reasons being that I needed too much time on my own and not seeing a future with me - despite her never having discussed this with me in the past and instead always saying that she was happy and loved me.

I was devastated, it felt like a bad dream that I couldn't wake up from. It's embarrassing t

Hi pj-

Welcome!  I read every word of what you wrote, and going through that is very painful and confusing, I know because my situation was similar and you will find many similar stories here.  You're in the right place.  There are explanations for everything she did, which can help if you're understanding-driven like me, but for now, I encourage you to read and write a lot here, get it all out, we understand, and there are some great articles on this site as well, full of information that you will connect with immediately. 

What's the biggest thing on your mind right now?

Hello.

I'm also 28 years old and have similar story. I feel your pain but now is more then 10 weeks since my girl left totally. Google is your friend google everything about BPD and narsissist. Also if there are question write them here my friend. I feel sorry for you and this will take time. You will be better and stronger in the end.

One question? Did she block you on social media or paint you black?

Thank you for your response and I apologize for posting my real name, I totally misread the "first post" guidelines.

It is comforting to know that I am in the right place. I really was not expecting to find such an appropriate community after just a few hours of online research but as I mentioned before, it was so clear that all of these symptoms are exactly what was/is going on in this person's head.

It's hard to even pinpoint what the biggest thing on my mind is right now, I suppose mostly it is thoughts of "how do I stop being miserable" but I know that there is no easy answer to that or perhaps not an answer at all. There are also the thoughts of "how could this happen?" and "what did I do to deserve this?" but again, I understand that these aren't questions that can really be answered. I just feel so gutted right now, I haven't properly slept or eaten in 4 days and have done nothing but think about this so I just feel extremely physically and mentally exhausted.

Thank you for your encouraging words, I will definitely be doing more research as I do want to have as much knowledge about this as I can.

We never really communicated on social media so there was really nothing to block. In terms of contact, I never responded to the text when she moved out and there has been 0 communication from me. She did email me regarding the lease but I had the landlord talk to her directly as I can't bring myself to talk to her. Just reading that email and how cold & business-like it was when she had been telling me how much she loved me just hours before made me feel so horrible.

Hi pjstock82,

*welcome*

I'd like to join fromheeltoheal, luckyclover and welcome you. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. Moving to a new city, a new job and meeting somebody new is exciting. I'd like to echo fromheeltoheal a relationship break-up with a pwBPD can be distressing, chaotic and painful. The person can put us high on a pedestal and sharing every intimate detail and we find ourself knocked off that pedestal and the fall can be long and hard. I can relate with having a family member help my ex wife move unbeknownst to me, I felt betrayed and angry because these plans were in effect without my knowledge. You'll find many members here can relate with you and offer you guidance and support.

I would find it difficult to be good company with friends and family with what you had to go through, it's a traumatic event. fromheeltoheal asked what's the biggest thing on your mind, I'd like to add, when is the last time that you ate and slept?  

Yes, I understand.  I got drunk for weeks after, and I left her.  I don't recommend that.  It's important to take as good a care of yourself as you can right now, which I eventually started doing, eating, sleeping, hydrating, a little exercise, might as well help your body help you heal yes?

Here's an article that may speak to where you are https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality (https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality)

See if any of it applies, and there are others, good to feed you head right now.

I'm not proud to admit it but the only sleep I have gotten are the few hours after drinking enough to the point where I can shut off my thoughts and pass out for a bit. After that, I wake up and just lay there thinking for the rest of the night/morning. I ate dinner last night because I was with my parents and wanted to appear normal but since then it's just been a small snack or so.

I have actually kept up with my daily exercise of biking 17 miles on the stationary, it's tough - especially with the lack of sleep and nutrition but I do know that there are natural mood boosting chemicals released from exercise so I'm sticking to that as best I can.

I cross posted with you and fromheeltoheal. It's good to hear that you're exercisin although it's hard for you, I agree with fromheeltoheal it's good to take really good care of ourselves. The link that was provided is a pretty good article, I'll leave you at that. I'm glad that you have found us   Hang in there.


Regards,

Mutt

Hi pj and welcome.  The first thing that really pops into my head after reading your posts is :NO CONTACT.  If you want to heal and move through this, you cannot have any contact with her.  As has been said many times on this forum; the healing doesn't really start until NC begins. 

You story is uniquely yours, just as each of us here have our own unique stories.  What bonds us here at bpdfamily is that your story is also mine and mine is yours.  We all share some very chillingly similar experiences.  As other posters have said, do your research on BPD as it will help you cognitively process what has happened to you. 

It's hard, man.  I'm not gonna lie.  I was telling my dad today that, at 43 years old, I've been through some serious sh!t in my life.  But nothing comes anywhere close to what I dealt with in my marriage to my BPDxwife.  I'm still scrabbled up, as I'm sure you are.

These pwBPD really scramble our brains and our hearts and leave us in heap.  So the healing process for us is like picking up all these scattered pieces and trying to figure how they go back together.  As many other members have said and I can profess as well; this relationship with a pwBPD, the subsequent breakup and the recovery will make you a stronger, better person unlike anything you thought you could be. 

These relationships strip us down and reveal whats beneath the blood and marrow.  We get a brutally honest look ourselves so that we really know where we need to improve.  This process of betterment is something that our pwBPD don't ever really do.  They don't look at themselves honestly and instead rely on destructive coping mechanism to get through life. 

So be kind to yourself, spend lots of time with your support system.  Lean heavily on your family.  And... .try to cut down on the drinking.  It doesn't help you heal.  It only makes it worse.  Cheers.

Thank you, I am about to take a look at that article right now.

Not to type too much more after my massive wall of text, but I did just do something that made me feel a bit better and thought I would share.

One of my biggest problems is that because I let this person into every aspect of my life, now I am still associating them with everything even though I am by myself and it's mentally torturous. Beyond just being here in a big empty apartment, even going into my car, going to the store etc is now a miserable experience for me.

There is a man and woman who live next door that have a small dog in the bordering yard. My ex and I used to talk to the owners and take the dog for walks, of course now every time I see the dog it just reminds me of her and makes me feel horrible. I noticed that they were outside and as much as I don't want to interact with people or do anything right now, I forced myself to go over there for the first time alone and take the dog for a ~20 minute walk. I'm not saying this has made all of my problems go away and all I could think about for the whole time was how it was something I used to do with her, but I'm hoping that forcing myself to do that and other things alone will in the long run be a help to me recovering from this.

Good for you!  Recovering and detaching include taking your life back and making new memories.  Dogs are great, and next time you walk the dog it will be you building a life the way you want it, and the dog won't betray your trust, they don't know how.

I just read the article posted by fromheeltoheal and I can't believe how accurate it is to everything I've experienced / am experiencing.

It's such a tough place to be in, I don't like the thought of any other human having to experience what I'm going through but at the same time, it's comforting to know that others have experienced this and can discuss the symptoms of it in such an analytical way.

I'm truly so thankful that I found this community just days out from the initial trauma. I know that things will still be difficult but this really is helping me out a lot, thank you so much to everyone.

I'm glad to hear that you enjoyed the article, I read that article often after the split. No need to apologize with unloading. Many of us went through an experience that nobody in their circle of friends / family understood and felt isolated. Many if us have a lot to get off of our chests when we arrive here because we can relate and talk the same talk.

Your thread title suggest abandonment and we understand how difficult that is. A pwBPD can attach themselves quickly to someone else, stop talking to you altogether or chase you. I'm also happy to hear that you like the discussions, talking can be therapeutic.

Hey pj,

Welcome, but I'm sorry you are here. I'm dealing with abandonment right now too, and it is awful. One of the posters recommended the book The Journey from Abandonment to Healing to me. When you are ready, it might be a good resource in healing- it's also helping me with codependency.

It's been almost a month for me and it is awful. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Hi there. I'm a female in my 30s and have both a masters and a doctorate degree. Just goes to show you it doesn't matter how lucky or grateful you are in life, this disorder doesn't discriminate. Im a few weeks ahead of you in the grief stages, but completely hear where you are coming from. I can totally relate to it being painful to be in the car, going places, in the apartment... .everything reminds you of them and everything hurts. There is no way around the pain, you have to walk through it like fire and know you are being burned. I too found this as the only place I could go to find like-minded people that have been through this. I've never posted on online boards before or joined a support group but thank god there is this place! Since my exBF broke it off (and acted cold and business like too), I have spent every day reading the articles and message board and it has helped tremendously.

 

And just to reiterate what everyone else has said, you are in the right place, you are going to get through this (as you yourself have articulated) and most importantly of all, many many of us on here have stories remarkably similar to yours.  

To draw a comparison for you, my ex (undiagnosed, to my knowledge) BF broke up with me the first time about 10 months ago after a day trip out that had started with him singing to me in the car, drawing love hearts in the air, kissing, holding my hand... .he was in a phenomenally good mood and very 'in love'. Just 4 hours later I was being driven home 'in disgrace' following a conversation where I had dared to implore him not to make mobile phone calls during a heart to heart (in which we were saying how we felt for each other). He felt he was being 'got at' (as I happen to know he told his friend that I 'shouted' at him) and threw a massive sulk. Cue a 40 minute journey home in total silence in which he refused to look at me and hardly spoke. After 3 days of silence, I was dropped from a great height, via text message. The reasons given were that effectively I wanted too much, too soon from him, and that he still thinks I'm wonderful but he can't give me those things now. i.e. cold feet/commitment phobia, if you wish to put it that way. This coming from a man who messaged me all day every day from morning until night, who wanted to spend all his weekends with me and hold me tightly all night, and who had twice talked about 'when you have my baby' the week before. In the space of a 30 minute conversation, all of that was apparently wiped after I dared to point out his behaviour as being less than perfect.

He told his friend that I shouted at him.  This of course, was an excuse.

It feels like a living nightmare, and we feel duped. But to some degree, we have in actuality been bereaved. A friend of mine framed it as that for me as such, and it hits the nail on the head - the person we were so in love with has seemingly dropped off the face off the earth. The nightmare though, is that they are of course not dead, and in fact, as you will find out the more and more you read on here, they tend to come back into our lives - sometimes over and over and over and over again. The deeper the attachment and the connection it seems the more likely this is.  I speak as someone who just a few weeks ago was last intimate with my ex, who spent 3 nights together with him in a week and who is now subject to yet another cycle of ST. We are all on here because we need help.

However, it does get better with time the more and more you start to see the disorder for what it is, an illness that makes sufferers behave in certain ways. It is not personal to us, and the only comfort I can give you right now is that you are almost certainly subject to this extraordinary push/pull behaviour precisely because you meant so very much to her and got very close to her.

You said in your post that none of what you had was real, that's what your logic tells you. I want to counter that and tell you that at the time, it most certainly was real. Be in no doubt, when a BPD tells you they love you, they mean it. And they probably always do love us in some way, but the nature of the illness meaning they can 'flip' between love and hatred, black and white, between personas, can leave us, the 'nons' questioning our own sanity, and whether they lied to us all along. One of the most commonly asked questions seems to be 'did s/he ever love me?'. I found myself asking it just last week, but I already know that he most certainly did. And does, probably. Your ex did, and perhaps still does, love you. The feelings were real - you don't need to add to your pain by telling yourself otherwise. Google it, there is plenty of literature out there to support this.

My ex told me a few weeks ago, after 6 months of ST, just how very happy I'd made him and how much he'd enjoyed every second with me, until a 'darkness' took over his brain. The problem, he said, is in his brain and I should have no guilt.

I mention the 'coming back'/recycling likelihood not to give you any kind of false hope, by the way, rather, to brace yourself, because if she does have BPD traits, there is almost certainly going to be more to come. It's not fun and it's not fair, it's pain on top of more pain, because with the incredible highs come the inevitable lows, sadly. I am about 99.9% confident that my ex will seek me out to talk to me again at some point. I base this on all the events of the last 8 months or so. The real killer is that it's US, the nons, who have to step off the merry-go-round, even if every cell in our body wants to stay on it.

You're not alone here, please do carry on reading and off loading. Knowledge really is power, and the more you learn, the easier it is to see that this really isn't personal to you or a rejection of you. And knowledge, in our cases, is also strength.

Thank you for your post, Stripey.

In terms of the "more to come" I have gone full 'no contact' even before I read up on any of this and identified her disorder just because it's how I needed to naturally cope with this.

The more video and articles I read, the more things I realize that these exact things were put right in front of my face but I was too naive to even realize that there were red flags being presented.

This person had told me about how awful her past breakups had been and the horrible things that the guys had said about her. I was so enamored with her that I believed only her side of the story and thought that there was no way she could be wrong and instead that all of these guys were wrong and just jealous of being dumped but now I understand this so much more and would kill to hear their sides of these stories.

She had told me how multiple times she had left guys without warning, even going as far as leaving the country and never coming back without notice. Again, due to my infatuation, I thought "wow what a strong and brave thing to do" rather than realizing that this was a red flag being flown right in my face.  I read about how these people move from city to city leaving a trail of destruction behind them, this applies to her 100%. I read about how these people will have no long term friends of the same sex, this also applies to her. She would tell me about how she would have a "best friend" for a year or so and then there would be some kind of falling out and they would never talk again, now I understand why she has done these things and handled relationships in this way.

I guess where I am now is still really struggling with how someone could do this to someone else. I have a very hard time being "fake" to people and always approach things openly and honestly, I was led to believe that she acted in this manner as well until all of this happened and I learned from her actions that this is as far from the truth as possible. Like you said, I do suppose that all of the things I was feeling were "real", at least real to me in my head, otherwise I wouldn't have received so much fulfillment from it.

I'm now studying up on the "discarding" process and it is so scary how accurate it is in regards to everything I'm going through. Because this person feeds on power and control, they used manipulation to build me up knowing that they could capitalize on this to fully destroy me. I am upset for allowing this to happen to myself but at the same time, there's really honestly no way I could have known that this was happening because the lies and deception were so convincing.

Impressive pj, you have educated yourself on the ins and outs of these relationships quickly!


Not only that, if we go into it openly and honestly, like you say, on the way to building an awesome relationship full of mutual trust, mutual respect and true intimacy, and end up in something that is NOT THAT, blindsided, it's a brutal wake-up call, the lesson being how can we step up our awareness so we spot things earlier?

And to clarify moving forward, a borderline isn't necessarily sadistic and doesn't necessarily feed on power and control, although someone with antisocial personality disorder might, another cluster B disorder.  Borderlines don't have a fully formed 'self' of their own, so they strive to attach to someone else to 'complete' them, not in a Hallmark card 'you complete me' way, but in a fusing of psyches to create a whole self way.  That is inherently unstable, and borderlines are then faced with the opposing fears of abandonment, the fear of loss of that attachment, and engulfment, the fear of losing whatever 'self' there is into the other person, so they disappear entirely.  So the goal becomes, and the only contentment found, on the fence between those two fears, and a handy way to straddle that fence is to be in control of the emotional distance from their partner in the relationship.  Undermine someone's self esteem and they won't have the courage to leave, so there's the fear of abandonment handled, and control how close someone can get emotionally, fear of engulfment handled.  And the fence is always moving, with accounts for the push/pull behavior: get too far away emotionally a borderline will pull you close, get too close a borderline will push you away.  From our end it can seem abusive, disrespectful, cold, unpredictable, in general crazy-making, but it makes total sense to a borderline, in the emotion of the moment, minute to minute.  That would be a very challenging and stressful way to live, when you think about it, and we get to experience a little of that when we get close, but only so close, only as close as is allowed in the moment.  And once we understand that and accept it, and as we detach, we can get an appreciation for how tough having this disorder is, and even develop compassion for a borderline, as long as we keep our boundaries intact, which usually means having them completely out of our lives.

Hi PJ;

The feelings were real for her, as well, that's what I'm trying to outline. This is well documented - look for things that BPD have said themselves in articles/online, etc.  She wasn't faking things, at the time she said the things she did, she meant them.

I think it's also important to point out that BPD suffers are individuals, and therefore every one of our stories, whilst having many similar threads, will also have marked differences. I'm careful to try not to use phrases such as 'these people', tempting though it is, for the simple fact that our exes/SO's don't act as one single entity -  even if it does sometimes seem from reading these posts, that there's a BPD manual out there that we don't know about!  I say this because each of our stories is different, we ourselves put our own individual stamp on our relationships. Whereas one BPD may display all of the traits, and to varying degrees, others of us may have been dealing with someone who showed just a few of them.

For example, your comment about 'these people' having no long term friends of the same sex, is far from true for my ex. He has many well established long term friendships with men, who he refers to as being like brothers to him in the absence of actual siblings.

For this reason I think that it's so difficult to apply a blanket rule for how to process and deal with what we're each being put through, although granted, there is a wealth of great advice on this site.  And the more you read and learn, the better for you, so you're doing all the right things.

All I would leave you with a is a gentle reminder that our exes are not, to my understanding, driven by the desire to hurt us, even though they have hurt us deeply and it really, really feels like that is the case.  If we know that a BPD to some degree embarks on the relationship (obvious things like physical/mental attraction to one side) to mitigate their own pain and to steady themselves on the horrible emotional see-saw they're on, wouldn't it therefore follow that the driving force in their ending the relationship, leaving us and even pushing us away, is also to do with them and not us? We don't say to ourselves  "S/he only started a relationship with me to bring me joy and happiness" ... .do we? We know that we ALL enter a new relationship for the potential happiness it brings to both parties. But BPD in particular are driven by a desire to make themselves feel better and to fill an un-fillable void. Any happiness we feel as a result is a happy by-product and the magnet that keeps us there. And of course, in my case at least, it brought my ex a great deal of pleasure to know he made me happy. I'm guessing it countered some of his deep seated self hatred and made him feel good about himself. Ater all, people with BPD are just that, people. Who doesn't feel good about bringing pleasure to someone else?

With that in mind, why would the breakup (s) be any different? The actions behind a breakup, and the strange behaviour you've been subjected to, are all about making your ex feel better within herself. They are not about you.  To echo what others have said, try not to think of her actions as having been designed to hurt you, even though we all know it feels that way. Pretty much all of it is to protect herself, as a reaction to her own deep seated fears, and to try to regulate them. The more and more you understand this, the easier it gets to 'understand' how and why they do the things they do to us.

Hope this makes sense!

You make complete sense and I apologize for making generalizations as I didn't even realize that is what I was doing with my choice in language.

The are exactly right about each person being different despite their being commonalities that tie things together and cause us to seek out resources such as this community to discuss the issues with people whom have experienced similar things. I definitely did not mean to say that all people with these conditions think in some kind of generic blueprint, so again I'm sorry to paint things so broadly.

I think the distinction between shared commonalities and things that vary between different people are what actually is making this so difficult for me. Of course reading things written by others that I can relate to so closely makes me feel better to some extent as it provides understanding, yet the things that aren't exactly similar are where the doubt creeps in for me and makes me wonder if this person really was different or worth trying to get back. In that regards, I am not considering pursuing this person again at all and I am remaining strictly no contact, but even after I feel better for a small while due to reading about similar experiences, I then inevitably find myself back in this rut of thinking about the good times and how much I want them back. It's really just so difficult to completely detach myself from something that i put something into, something that I cared so much about and in reality, the identity that I had built for myself.  The normalcy of my life has been completely shattered and I'm constantly feeling aimless and without direction since I had placed all of my stability and comfort in something that no longer exists.

I totally understand... .and one thing we DO all have in common is the exact set of feelings you've just described. You have perfectly articulated my own feelings, which have gone on for months. I have never loved, and missed, someone so much in all my life, whilst being simultaneously catastrophically hurt by them. It's not an experience I'd wish on anyone.

Oh but it does exist pj.  You said the identity that I had built for myself, and granted you built it around someone who turned out to be unreliable and untrustworthy, and that is very painful and confusing, and also a source of wisdom and experience moving forward, but point is YOU built your identity, in fact we always build all of our identities based on what we make things mean.  So you still have your identities, the focus has shifted, the center might be temporarily empty, and what you fill that up with is up to you.  Important to first grieve the loss though, grieving is a process with several phases and all of them need to be traversed to detach, but detach you will, and while you're at it, take with you the knowledge that any identity you want is available to you, because you are in control of what you build.

I'm having such a hard time adjusting to being alone. Missing certain things that seem trivial like getting texts from them or even having the excitement of anticipation to see them and spend time with them, that stuff has always been so important to me and now it's gone.

Looking inwards, I clearly have some co-dependency issues of my own and this made me the perfect target. The love bombing and her constantly pumping me up and making me feel on top of the world was something I really latched on to because I'm for some reason unable to find that validation in myself without someone else giving it to me.

Again, I'm not trying to paint a broad brush on all people who have this condition, but the valuation, devaluation and discard process almost does seem like it was from a blueprint or manual or something. I will never be able to understand how someone could present a false reality to me for so long, while behind my back making plans to betray everything that I held so closely. I know that breakups on their own hurt as I've been through them before, but they were always preceded by some kind of degradation in the relationship like falling out of love, mutual unhappiness etc. These things were painful to go through in their own way, but they made the eventual breakup much more palatable albeit still an unpleasant experience.

But with this, to go from "I love you and I miss you" to "You're nothing to me, I'm never going to see you again" in a matter of hours is just something I don't know how to deal with. The position this has left me in is that ALL I can think about is how good everything with the relationship was. There was no build up to strengthen me, whereas in other relationships I truly always did get to a point in the relationship where I knew that I would be ok in the long run if it ended. I think the combination of this lack of closure with the fact that so much of this was new to me is what is really debilitating. This was the first girl I ever loved, the first one I ever opened up to at such a deep level, the first one I moved in with and fully committed my life to etc etc. When my logic kicks in, I know for a fact that someone who could destroy someone like this and be so callous about it is not a person I want in my life at all. Maybe my problem is that I'm having a hard time believing that this is who that person really is, even though it is right in front of my face. Everything was perfect in my head and I worked with the information presented to me which was that everything was perfect for them too.

I'm probably just rambling at this point but I really just feel so aimless and lost right now. 

This can take a long, hard time to work through. I'm coming up on four months out from the final break-up with my ex, and I just got out of bed after spending the last four hours tossing and turning as my mind ran in circles trying to pin down some balanced view of my ex. I've had A LOT of two steps forward, one step back -- and plenty of one step forward, ten steps back -- on precisely this point. It's as though my mind absorbs the horrible side of my ex in little pieces, one small chunk or episode at a time (though the same ones do come back to haunt me again and again), and once I've absorbed some of the bad, my mind turns to some of the amazing times, when my ex and I were so incredibly, stupidly in love and she seemed like the greatest gift I could ever have received. And then back and forth, back and forth ... .

At this point, I try to just observe my mind as it does this. I can't stop the obsessive thoughts when they're in full flow, but I can try to observe and let it all be. That gives me at least some distance. And I think this is just how our brains try to process and bring balance into our view of people. These kinds of relationships present an unbelievable challenge, though, because the different sides of our exes can seem completely irreconcilable. And I can literally feel my brain struggling back and forth with this.

Honestly, you sound as though you have as much insight and understanding as anyone could possibly have at this point in your situation. I know that doesn't help with the god-awful feelings and the sense of despair, confusion, loss. But it will pay off in the long run, believe me. The fact that you're able to face the situation for what it is and not lie to yourself or run from it ... .that's huge at this point. If you do have any contact with your ex, don't let her rob you of your insight and clarity, whatever she might do to your emotions.

I really feel for you and share your pain. I never imagined emotional pain like this before.

I'm sorry that you had to experience this as well. This really is an emotional distress that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, and it almost feels as if I'm in some sort of sadistic club where other people have been through similar circumstances and they're the only ones who can possible understand me if that makes any sense. Either way, I'm very thankful to have found this community, as although the emotional trauma still stings, the knowledge and insight provided by the people/resources here at least fulfills the logical side of my brain with the information that I need to cope.

Hey pj-


Yes, being alone can be tough.  I work out of a home office by myself, and one thing that helped was to go to a coffee shop with a laptop and work there; I didn't have to formally be with someone, just having other people around was enough.  Is there somewhere you can go where you're not alone?


And it's helpful to maybe not ascribe a meticulous plot to what happened, and not give a borderline too much credit where it might not be due.  Someone without a fully formed self of their own, an attachment to 'complete' them, and the corresponding fear of abandonment, can take the subtlest hints, not even hints, delusions maybe, and turn them into 'proof' that the attachment is about to bail, abandonment being the worst thing that could ever happen to a borderline, which evokes massive fear that can't be soothed, certainly not by the perceived abandoner, which was your job initially, and one choice is to just flee, in search of another 'knight in shining armor' or just a panicked fleeing.  That need not have anything to do with reality, the unstable nature of these relationships makes them unreliable, and we're left with the fallout.


And there's the gift of the relationship, arrived at very fast in your case pj.  If you put all your energy there, motivated by pain, it will shift the focus from her to you, and it may also put you into a period of profound personal growth, on the way to the life of your dreams.  It probably doesn't feel like it right now, but the only way out is through, and there is an awesome life on the other side, if you say so.  Take care of you!

Hi fromheeltoheal.

In regards to what you said about not assuming that this person had a devious plan to destroy me, I understand your points and they are laid out very clearly and logically. I do believe that those underlying traits are what may have been the impetus behind all of this but I still really do think that in my particular circumstance, there was a covert plan devised to in essence "screw me over".

If you look back at my lengthy story, the first time where the discard happened out of nowhere - I think that was a manifestation of what you explained in your last post. However; with how everything went down after this, that is where I believe there was a complex plot devised behind my back to capitalize on my vulnerabilities and cause as much pain to me as possible.

Hopefully I am not playing the victim card too strongly here but just hear me out. I mentioned in my original post how I reacted to this first out of the blue discard. I'm not proud of it, but I cried, and cried, and cried. I couldn't do anything, I couldn't function and this was just the way that I reacted even though I was ashamed of it and was wishing that I could snap out of it. There are some more details to this initial discard that may help shine some light on what happened to me.  After the initial first few days where I was a mess, there was some kind of small disagreement and I don't even remember what it was about but she jumped straight from a minor issue to accusing me of faking all of the crying I had done as a way to manipulate her. I can't even explain how much this hurt, I had just been through the most traumatizing experience in my life and now the person that caused it and the person who I was looking to in an order to move past it, was accusing me of "putting on a show" when in reality it was all 100% real and more painful that I could ever imagine.

That particular instance is what I can now retrospectively see as a red flag, yet I didn't understand it this way at the time. All I could do when she said this was shut down even more and become even more hurt but now I realize that this was a huge red flag in terms of how callous this person is and how much they could hurt me. As time went on past these events and we moved back into the "everything is perfect" phase, there was another event that I now realize was also a big red flag that I chose to ignore. I mentioned in my original post that she was extremely close to her sister and that her sister is a very domineering and controlling person who has never been in a relationship in her life. Well, one evening during another small disagreement, she put her phone down next to me and I saw that she had told her sister "He is mad again, I can't believe he thinks he has the leverage to mad about anything" or something along those lines. Now with this minor disagreement, she had done something blatantly wrong and even somewhat admitted to it but obviously didn't really believe in her head that she was wrong. I can't believe that she would say one thing to me and then tell her sister how basically she had such little respect for me that she thought I didn't even have the human right to voice my concern about her doing something that hurt me.

This event that I just described involving the text message happened before the overheard phone call where I became suspicious and where she subsequently lied to my face about her plans. When I put all of this together, there were far too many signs for me to now believe that all of this was just a result of her mental illness and I truly do think that she is to some extent just a rotten person who regardless of brain chemistry, really did go out of her way to expose me, gain my trust and hurt me in the worst way she knew how to.

I hope that I am not sounding too vindictive or hateful and I do think that just placing the blame on her being a bad person isn't the be all end all and won't do much to help me cope with this. I think that this is again just part of my brain trying to reconcile the false reality that I was living and the actual reality that I am experiencing now and it's mentally exhausting.

Yes, I understand.  The fear of abandonment is not conscious for borderlines, the events that created the disorder happened so early in their development that the fear just shows up as feelings, and someone who's been living with those feelings for decades is going to come up with some tools that work, in that they make a borderline feel better, and might be considered malicious.


There could be other motivations other than fear soothing at work.  One is a borderline lives in continual mental chaos, so creating chaos in someone else's life can give a sense of connection and a sense of 'sharing the wealth', both of which make a borderline feel better.  Also, pure old vindictiveness: if she thought you were going to leave, or had already emotionally but were still there physically, then screw you pal, I'll show you, I'm leaving.  Again, that need not have any connection to the reality of the situation.


And you might have noticed a disconnect in the fact that you were being 100% real but she wasn't connecting with it?  Borderlines don't necessarily lack the ability to empathize, although if there's so much internal chaos that a borderline can only focus on their own stuff, coupled with a lack of emotional maturity, she may not have the ability or focus to really connect with how someone else is feeling, except to mirror them, which affects an attachment yes, but also serves to allow a borderline to take on the good she saw in you as her own, part of that 'completing' thing.  You crying was not something she wanted to take on, and was also a sign of you not measuring up to the 'perfect' you in the fantasy in her head, so the fantasy collapses, and abandonment is imminent, so time to make you the bad guy, including claiming your emotions are fake and manipulative.


Which gives you another glimpse into her family growing up yes?  Two different ways of coping with the same circumstances?


It is mentally exhausting and takes a while to untangle, and it's early.  When trust is gone both ways towards the end of these relationships things can get extra crazy, extra confusing, and any intimacy that existed is gone, two strangers going through dysfunctional motions.  Of course we didn't know that when we were in it, figured it was just a bump in the road that could be gotten over with some honest, open communication, but that never happened in my relationship, and didn't at least towards the end in yours either.  Anger is a healthy part of grieving though, and although putting all the blame on 'bad her' isn't appropriate, putting some of it there certainly is, the part that was hers, as we also work on owning the part that was ours.

You're doing great man, keep talking and reading, it will make sense sooner rather than later.

Thank you for the supportive words.

I know that this process isn't supposed to be easy but it's such a roller coaster. For a while I will feel fine and will think I'm getting better but then everything will crash down and I'm back in the deep sadness & pain.

In all other aspects of my life, I am a planner - I always want to anticipate where things are going and have numerous levels of back up plans in the event that things don't go as anticipated. This has always helped me to face life's challenges and make it through anything but for some reason, I have never applied this mindset to relationships and especially didn't do so to this one. I truly thought this was it, I never once thought I would need a back up plan if this were to fail because the thought of it failing was just so absurd to me.

It is an absolute roller coaster. After almost four months, I still have days where I struggle hard just to be functional. I have better days too, and more often now. But today, for instance, just a massive feeling of emptiness. And that's so unlike me. I've always been really into my work, my studies, exercise, meeting up with friends - generally a very motivated and self-directed person. These days, I make an effort not to talk about my ex any more because, let's face it, for anyone who hasn't gone through this, it gets absurd to keep hearing about it. But she's still on my mind almost constantly. It's an internal roller coaster, for sure.

As for vindictiveness, I don't think that applies to pwBPD in the same way it would to other people. I'll speak of my ex in particular, because that's what I have experience with. When things really started falling apart, she told me that at some point in the relationship, I did things she perceived as betrayal and at that point, in her words, "I took away your right to be hurt. I just told myself that whatever I might do, it can't be as bad as what you did to me." She also told me that she's always taken the view in relationships that, "If you're going to hurt me, I'm going to hurt you first and hurt you worse." As I've said in other posts, she actually has a lot of insight into how she is -- she just seems blind to the fact that it's a terrifying, cruel, self-harming way to be and that she could make an effort to change.

I still can't really process how she could have had these things going through her mind while telling me that I was her "person", her one true love, that she would do anything to make it work, etc etc. I can't really understand it. But I don't think it's exactly vindictive or malicious. I think she was internally swinging back and forth - trying desperately to make sure I loved her with all my heart and that I couldn't live without her (in which case she wanted to stay with me and live happily ever after), but then also getting hit with these internal panic attacks that would make her lash out at me and plan for moving on. It's as if she had to keep testing me, provoking me, to see if there was anything that would make me leave her. And, of course, at some point there was - she ended up provoking the very thing that she said she feared more than anything. I don't think she knew or could decide what she wanted, and it gave a kind of manic aspect to both her expressions of love and her jealousy/rage. In hindsight, I can see that she was looking to me to resolve all the uncertainty, to soothe her, stabilize her, make it all better. And when I couldn't, that just fed her anxiety and anger. It makes my head spin. All I really understand is that she's full of inner turmoil and anxiety.

When it all came to a head and I said I needed to step back, she started immediately dating other people (I mean, the same day), it was clear that she had been thinking about my replacement for a while. This was devastating and triggered incredible anger and hurt in me. And I just kept thinking she was the most malicious, lying, cheating, horrible person for having held onto me so tight while also planning her exit. Still hurts like crazy. But, if I'm being honest with myself, I don't think it was cold-blooded calculation on her part. She would become so desperate, hysterical, angry, scared, pleading, ... .every time I broached the topic of our relationship not working and me needing to step away. I can't believe it was all an act. If anything, that would be even crazier.

I can't speak for your ex, obviously. But I believe it was possible she was planning her exit, while also still feeling desperately in love with you, being unsure or torn until the last second what exactly she was doing ... essentially being split in two in her own mind. And maybe she chose to rely on her sister for a sense of stability and certainty once she no longer trusted you (even if you gave her no genuine reason to lose trust).

There's no doubt trying to make sense of her motives and thought-process will make your own head spin. I think it's very likely that she wasn't purely calculating and vindictive -- or that one part of her was, even as another part was still in love with you and unsure what the hell was going on.

Hi rfriesen, thank you for your input.

I'm sorry that you had to experience something similar but thank you for sharing your experiences. What you say regarding the internal mental struggle in her mind does make sense and I thinking that finding reasoning behind someones actions (even though I can't relate to said reasoning) is a better approach than just being angry at the person and holding that resentment inside of me.

When everything is fresh and you have just been discarded like trash, I think it's very easy to consume your mental energy on reasons to be mad at the person and I am definitely guilty of having done that over the past few days. However; after reading up here and watching many youtube videos that discuss this discarding process, I've learned that focusing on this anger is only going to me hurt in the long run, so as hard as it is for me to move past it, that is what I'm trying to do right now.

I did want to mention one other thing to see if anyone else has had similar experiences. In regards to the "love-bombing" process (which was very very heavy on my part), have any of you ever experienced that this person tried to integrate themselves into every aspect of your daily life, even if it didn't really have much to do with them? Things were always like this with her in my case, but near then end when the love bombing was stronger than ever & leading up to the premeditated discard, I noticed that she was going out of her way to make everything I did in life be associated with her. While it was happening, I didn't mind it at all because it made me happy to think of her no matter what I was doing and I thought that it was just something a healthy couple should do. Now looking back at it, knowing that she was crawling as deeply into my head as she possibly could while behind my back planning to flat-out abandon me, I am wondering if this was just another tactic to make the discard hurt more?

Hopefully this doesn't sound too "woe is me" but it was just something I was thinking about and wanted to see if anyone could relate.

rfriesen, when you mention the fact that your ex started dating immediately, I'm so sorry that you had to witness that as I can only imagine how painful it must be.  In my case, I am almost positive that my ex is already doing the same thing but I do have the benefit of having deleted facebook years ago meaning that I was never friends with her there and also never used instagram etc. so for me even though I'm pretty sure it's happening, I at least don't have to see it right in my face.

My last thought for today is what she last said in her 'discard' text that sticks in my head, even though that text has long since been deleted and I will never see it again. I remember her saying something about "we should meet up in a couple weeks once things have cooled down to discuss" and if I had never found this community or these educational resources, I probably would have blindly done that and even looked forward to it. Luckily, I have fully committed to the no-contact rule and have no plans of breaking it so this is not something I will do if she suggests it.

This process is truly so crazy, I woke up today feeling fine but can now feel myself falling back into thoughts of loneliness and missing her even though I know that it isn't healthy for me to be thinking like this. I so badly just want to be normal and consistent in my thought patterns but I know that this will take time to achieve.

Hey pj-


It's actually the opposite.  A borderline, someone without a fully formed self of their own, looks to attach to someone to make them whole.  So the huge interest in your life works to attach, yes, but the mirroring and intense attention is the way a borderline takes the good they see in you as their own, to complete them and add your good to what they see as their bad, to feel better about themselves.  And of course us, the uninitiated, gobble it up like a dream come true, until it's a nightmare.


For you to decide, for reasons we've discussed, but also consider she may have been deeply conflicted, as borderlines are, so she was simultaneously trying to mirror and attach while feeling huge fear of abandonment and planning to flee.  Really hard to reconcile those when trust is gone and the wheels are coming off the relationship, and remember it started out as perfect in her head, a fantasy, and when reality destroyed the fantasy for her, the intensity of her emotions skyrocketed and everything gets reactionary.

I think part of my problem is that I also in my head thought of things as a bit of a fantasy. Not that everything was perfect but that it didn't have to be because I was with someone who had my back no matter what and would work through anything with me regardless of what challenges present myself.

As you said, the mental reconciliation is what is really making me beat myself up right now. There was no event or pattern of events that to my knowledge would give her even the slightest inkling that things weren't good and wouldn't continue to be good. I think the "to my knowledge" part of what I just said is probably the most important part of it. I was working from the information presented to me and that information was that she was happy, that everything was great and that we had such a bright future together. The reconciliation of the false reality that was portrayed to me with what is now my actual reality just does not make any sense to me and makes me feel totally lost.

With most problems that I encounter in life, I am able to think through them logically and figure out the best solution. This problem doesn't seem to have a solution and it is so complex and conflicting that my brain cannot wrap itself around it to figure it out as I would with other problems and I think that this struggle is where my mental anguish is stemming from. I don't even know who I am right now, I was fine this morning but now I'm sitting at my desk at work and trying to stop myself from crying as I just feel completely hopeless, aimless and as though nothing matters. Apologies if I'm turning this thread into my own 'feelings journal' but it actually does help me to type this stuff out.

Consider what it means to be a borderline: someone who thinks so poorly of themselves that to them, if you knew the real them you would certainly leave, yet who is also completely dependent on having an attachment to survive.  Crappy place to be.  So the answer is to paint a facade that is so entirely convincing that there are no cracks, until it all explodes.  Don't know about you but my ex was a pathological liar too, damn she was good at it, really fast coming up with them, which makes sense when the real truth is never an option and you've got decades of practice.


I too am an understanding-driven person, things need to make sense.  One thing that helped a great deal was the book Search For The Real Self : Unmasking The Personality Disorders Of Our Age by Masterson; he discusses how a 'normal self' develops, interesting in it's own right, but the meat is his discussion of what happens when ordered development becomes disordered.  That didn't make me feel any better in the sense that I still needed to accept the new reality, which hurt, but I now understood why she does what she does and the confusion vanished immediately, a biggie for me.  It's a clinical book, but accessible and not long, recommended.


Been there man, let fly, the only way out is through and whatever works.

PJ,

I've kept up with this thread and applaud you on your process and in your self education on this illness.  It's my opinion that TIME is going to be needed for your healing process.  You can learn as much as you would like on the topic of BPD and how it has affected you and your pwBPD.  But unfortunately you're going to simply have to feel your way through this process, and that my friend is going to take some time.  
Sometimes, when you're not in a good place... .and those times will be many... .you're simply going to have to marinate in them.  Experience them... .cry, be angry, be sad, be overwhelmed, be hurt, be lonely... .just feel the feelings.  Learn from those experiences and learn to understand them for what they are in your process.  It will be a combination of education (which you seem to have a good handle on) and experiencing things that will culminate one's whole process.  
You are on a great path to recovery early on in your process it seems... .just keep in mind that time will also play an important role, and time is not something you can rush, you have to live it as it comes.  Things will get better!

Thank you for your support, it really means a lot to me to know that there are people whom have taken the time to read my story and keep up with all of the verbal diarrhea that I have admittedly been spewing throughout this topic.

In regards to what you said about 'marinating' in these feelings, I suppose that is truly what is most difficult for me. I have always been a very even-keeled person and one of the things my ex used to always say was how happy she was that I had such a 'calming presence'. Now I feel as though I have anything but a calming presence and I feel more out of sorts than I ever imagined possible. The thing with days like today is that I simply can't allow myself to let these feelings work themselves out because I am at work where people rely on me and I have things to do, as much as I would like to - I can't sit at my desk and cry everything out.

In terms of finding the positives in this, one of the things that I thought would be the most difficult would be being at the apartment alone with nothing around but the memory of her being there. Luckily, this hasn't really been the case and I actually look forward to going home and being in my home-office that is my personal space so I am definitely grateful about this because not being comfortable in my own home would make things even more difficult than they already are.

It seems like going to work / going out in public is what's actually much worse for me right now. It may sound stupid but with this person I always faced everything that I did in life, whether I was alone or actually with her, with this idea in my head that everything was OK because I had her and she was my teammate in life no matter what would happen. It sounds so stupid to write it out now but whenever something that I experienced alone would upset me or make me uncomfortable, i was immediately comforted by the (perceived) knowledge that this person would have my back & understand me. I talked with her multiple times during the relationship about how I saw my life as "me and her against the world" and she always said how good that was to share that feeling in a relationship. Now, I have to face all of these things by myself as my metaphorical "security blanket" has been pulled away and the difficulty of doing this is indescribable.

My current struggle is this sudden undying desire to contact her and tell her how I feel. Even though I am committed to no contact and I know for a fact that this would do nothing but make things worse, there is this burning passion in me to yet again expose how I feel to this person with some kind of false hope of them understanding me and making things better. I want so badly to explain my pain & what I'm going through to this person because part of my brain still believes that she is the only one that would understand it and fix it, so now it's more of that internal mental anguish of my rational brain squashing these thoughts due to reality even though this other part of my brain wants to so badly go against what I know to be the truth.

PJ,
The point I was trying to get at in my previous post was that it seems you're trying to think your way through this process... .and I get that.  I also understand you cannot simply marinate in your feelings all the time, especially when adult responsibilities are on our plate.  But experiencing and understanding our feelings is a large portion of our healing.
Why did you need a security blanket?
Why was it you and her against the world?
Why do you feel she is the only one that can understand you?
Why do you think she needs to be there to fix you?
Take a deep breath, you're doing very well in your process. I'm just trying to point out that you cannot just educate yourself to healing... .it's going to take time and feeling to become an even better YOU!

Yes, I agree drained; detachment has a pace.  Educating ourselves about the disorder can help a great deal in the beginning, for me it made the confusion go away immediately, although that is only part of it.  Beyond that detachment has a pace, too slow and we can feel 'stuck', too fast and we can outrun emotions that should be getting processed fully and can become delusional, so the right pace is the pace that feels right, moving forward, processing everything fully, shifting the focus from our exes to ourselves and from the past to the future.  There doesn't seem to be a way to speed it up, and it's not linear, great strides followed by setbacks sometimes, but forward movement and a focus on the goal will always get us there eventually.

I definitely think that I didn't handle this in the best way in terms of pace like you just mentioned.

It was one week ago today when the discard happened. After the initial shock of the first few days and finding all of these resources, I have spent almost every waking moment watching youtube videos / listening to audiobooks / reading articles about this disorder and have somewhat overwhelmed myself with knowledge. This morning I woke up and thought that everything was all better because I knew so much and understood everything now but that all came down to an extraordinary crash while at work. I had to leave the office today to come home and lay in bed/cry, I'm so embarrassed of myself but I have absolutely no mental or physical energy right now and just feel so powerless in my own life.

It's ok, pj.  Please don't feel embarrassed or weird or weak or unusual for how you grieve.  What has happened to us is traumatic and there is very real shock involved.  I am still dealing with the shock as I finalize my divorce.

About every hour I find myself leaning over on my desk, putting my head between my arms and crying(thank god I have my own office.)  I'm crying for the loss, for the pain, for the hopes and dreams, for the life we could've had together.  I'm crying because I miss her face and want to hold her and have everything go back to that time and place when we were in love and close and vulnerable and safe. And that's all been ripped away from me and it hurts so much, like someone ripped my soul out.  I'm lost and I'm wounded. 

But I'm keeping my eyes on the future and slowly learning to put her in the past and to accept that it truly is over. That woman I loved like no other is not mine any more.  I have to release her.  I have to let go or I cannot move forward. I have to shift my focus from her to me. She's not mine to focus on anymore.  She's not my responsibility.  So I will slowly let go, bit by bit.  So will you.   

Wize, great post. Thank you.

PJ, you are not alone at feeling embarrassed or ashamed because you feel you cannot hold it together.  It's ok, and expected for you to grieve after the trauma you've suffered by the hands of this unimaginable illness.  It would not be normal if you didn't feel pain, sorry, anger etc.  You've armed yourself well with knowledge that will play an important role in your journey to recovery. 
One thing I did that helped me tremendously was to read other members stories, and follow their progress and road bumps.  It made me feel like I was not alone as so many of us experienced circumstances so similar.  We feel your pain PJ, and it's absolutely OK for you to feel your own pain as it is part of your process.  It's not your fault, you couldn't fix it, and someday down the road you will emerge a better man for what you are going through. 

I see you like logic and explanations.
The most logical thing I can tell myself about trying to understand what I experienced with my pwBPD... .is that she suffered from a severe mental illness, and was incapable of nurturing a full healthy adult relationship... .because her emotional development simply never made it out of childhood. 

I have mentioned this elsewhere on the board, but what we are all going through is akin to a bereavement. Except it's worse than that, almost, because it's not a bereavement, and we find ourselves instead haunted not just by memories (I, for instance,  live just minutes from my ex and our entire town holds memories for me) but by the person themselves. Because, as I mentioned before, they have a tendency to come back into our lives over, and over again.

Added to which, for me at least, every single time I see him, I have to wait until he does something to make it clear,whether I am going to be met by Dr. Jekyll, who is affectionate, lucid, tuned in, funny, amorous, logical... .or Mr. Hyde, who walks past me as if I were invisible. Even if we have been together just a few weeks before. What else is so like bereavement, yet not quite bereavement? It's like watching a body double, an alien, an doppelganger,  walk past in place of the person I know. When this happens, I am in essence grieving someone who is in actuality very much still here... .but not in the form I fell in love with.

And that, to me, is an emotional hell on earth. Watching the man I love unable to speak to me and totally disregard me, and trying to reconcile him with the person whose arms I slept in just a few weeks before, seems almost impossible. I'm not talking about someone being a bit cool or off with you after a one night stand that they decided not to pursue... .it runs much. much deeper than that. In the same way, you are trying to reconcile the actions of this woman, who looks just like your ex, with everything you knew about the woman you fell in love with. Our rational and balanced, logical and and 'normal' brains just can't accept it. Because these are not the actions of loving and attentive partners... .which is what we thought we had. That is a type of grief... .grieving for the loss of the person we thought they were. They ARE those loving and adoring partners, but it is just part of them. Sadly for us, they are also so much more.

You're allowed to cry. We're going through hell. But, as Churchill famously said, when you're going through hell... .keep going. And that's all we can do.

 

Doesn't matter man, and certainly don't make yourself wrong for it.  The whole process of detachment only makes sense in reverse, like when you'll look back a year from now and be amazed at how far you've come, and proud of the life you've built for yourself.

Right now it's only important to see where you are and adjust; if you're going too fast slow down, too slow, speed up.  And watch the tendency to move fast to avoid feeling; going home today to feel was a good move, crying is what pain leaving feels like.  One day at a time, take care of you!

Thank you. I really do think that a lot of other factors not related to her disorder made this all worse for me as well. This was the first time I had ever really loved someone (even though I now know it was an illusion that I loved). This is the first time I have ever been with someone I could see marrying some day and I loved that. This was the first time I had ever picked up my life and moved in with someone. This is also the first time I've ever been dumped in a relationship, and for it to happen in the way it did doesn't make it any easier.

In terms of this pain caused by the rapid shift from love bombing to the discard process, that is just something I never thought that anyone had to go through. Obviously through reading research and other people's stories here, I now know that this is far too common as I don't believe anyone should have to experience this. I hate how I feel right now, I hate being around myself. My normal routines are starting to be interrupted purely by my misery. I had no appetite so I can't eat, then today I left work to cry in bed, now I am so exhausted that I have nowhere near the energy I would need to do my evening workout so I'm skipping that and going to go to bed early.

I really just need to fully believe all of you when you say that this will get better because right now that is hard for me to believe.

So now you know you're capable of loving someone like that and can see yourself marrying, you have it in you, which is a very good thing.  Picked the wrong girl this time, but you didn't know that, and next time the wiser you will know what to look for and won't ignore red flags, and who knows what gorgeous gal will show up and pass all the tests!  I'm excited for your future, although detachment and wisdom gleaning first... .


Which is what it is right now, on the way to building new routines, building a new life, building a new normal, one day at a time.

Yep, believe it, it's true.  You can use faith in our testimony for now, and while you're at it, start thinking about the awesome future life you're going to build, too much right now I realize, but with time, as you get clear on it, that will become the goal, something to move towards when you're done moving away from where you're at right now.

I'm a bit older than you at 43 and, I've had a few long term relationships, including my first marriage about 14 years ago.  It gets better, I promise you.  I can't say how or why but I know it does. Our physical body has a vast array of systems of self healing.  Our emotional self has these systems as well.  

From I can glean from your short journey thus far is that you will be fine... .if you focus on taking care of YOU.  I'd highly suggest finding a therapist that fits with you well, and seeing them as often as you need.  That might be once a week, or it might be once every two months... .or whatever you need.  Just do it... .and make sure the fit is good for you.  If it's not, do your research, and find another.  It's almost like finding a partner in life.  While you will find a whole lot of help here, I've found in my journey that there is a lot to be gained from a T that knows their profession.  For what it's worth I see a clinical psychologist as opposed to a psychiatrist.
I'll probably continue to see my T for the rest of my life... .even if it's only 2-3 times a year.  No matter your situation in life, a professional you trust to bounce things off of... .is priceless.

I have thought about doing this but haven't made the commitment yet. I'm sure that it can do nothing but help so hopefully I can convince myself to make the jump at some point.

I woke up today feeling much better. I went to bed early, got a decent amount of sleep for the first time in a week and I'm working from home today so I'm settled in to my little home office.

30 minutes in to my day, I get a call from my landlord - my ex is causing problems.  Basically, for the 3 months that we were actually here together, she would write me a check and I would use my bank's smartphone app to take a picture of the check & deposit it, then transfer money to my landlord. I mentioned earlier the cold and callous email that she sent the day after the discard, and that email was a picture of a check saying that I could use that to pay the rent. Now I'm thankful that it seems as though she is at least attempting to pay her half for this month, but this isn't how the process works. You can't take a picture of a picture as the app actually scans the check as part of the process. I didn't reply to her because I need to keep no-contact and told my landlord to ask her to send him the check directly, which you wouldn't think would be a big deal.

Well of course that's not the case. She's telling him the she paid me and I told him that no, she hasn't. I really suspect that she knows emailing a picture of a check wouldn't work and did this on purpose to get a response from me but now I just feel trapped and also embarrassed because my landlord shouldn't have to be dealing with this. I don't know if there is any advice that anyone can provide to me about this since it's a very specific situation but man, I was really looking forward to having a better day and now I feel as though I'm back at rock bottom.

It's really easy for her to see if the check was cashed, and landlords have to deal with tenants who break up all the time.  Asking the landlord to ask her for the money, and explaining the situation, may work and may make a friend of the landlord, or plan B, reply to her email with the check telling her the bank won't take it, 100% businesslike.

No contact is a tool, not a rule, and taking the path of least resistance makes the most sense yes?

I agree with this, however I do think in the initial stages of the breakup when it's really raw, NC should be a rule.  Any sort of contact when we are raw, even the most business-like contact can lead very easily to something else.  Example; I called my ex to discuss something about a document, she started crying and we immediately began discussing our relationship and opening wounds. I was not yet emotionally stable enough to stop the conversation.  Bad news.  NC in the first month should be a rule that we blindly follow until it can become a tool.  Just my 2 cents.

I agree Wize, that's why it could be an email and not a phone call; much less emotional involvement in written communication.  That's only one option though, and best to stay focused on the goal, which is to remove our exes from our lives, here on the Detaching board, and what's the best way to do that, even if the best choice is uncomfortable for a minute?

I was able to work through this issue without communicating with her at all as the landlord understood and spoke to her directly.

However; the landlord did send an email to both of us, I replied back only to him but she replied to both of us. I just read this and I am shaking, I don't even know what this feeling is but it is a special kind of hurt that cannot be put into words. She spoke to me as if I am some kind tenant or business associate whereas only about a week ago she was madly "in love" with me.

This still feels so surreal, I simply cannot imagine doing this to someone and then speaking to them as if you are just some kind of common acquaintance. This is killing me inside, every day I get to a point where I feel like I'm dead inside, like I've hit rock bottom and there's nothing left to give - but then something else happens and cuts me down even further.

There's a couple of good things here pj: one, when we have a physical reaction like that it's a great way to check in and see how our detachment is going; you just started, it's only been a week, no need to expect much yet, but just think if complete detachment is you get an email like that and it doesn't even faze you, no emotional reaction at all, then you will be free, and you can use that goal as a way to decide what's next.  And the other piece is this may be the end of the money thing, one more hurdle crossed, and you may be done with communicating with her, which will allow you to get time and distance.

I know, it hurts when we're still emotionally involved, and putting one foot in front of the other is the only thing to do.

Sidebar: My ex and I went on the vacation from hell together, and I left her with the rental car as I fled with what was left of my sanity at the end.  And of course she returned the car to the wrong place, costing me a few hundred bucks in rental fees, she could have done it on purpose, who knows, but finalizing that and getting straight with the rental company felt really good, kind of a finality to it, no reason to communicate again.  And then the grand adventure that is detachment started... .

No contact has been maintained but there were a couple things in that email that really scared me. 

She mentioned not once but twice about offering to come here and help clean / dispose of items etc. Obviously I will not be taking her up on this but it's just this cold callousness that she is exhibiting while she knows how much I'm hurting and my brain still cannot process that.

It is so hard to stop myself from writing a lengthy email to her. A message to describe how much I'm hurting and how horrible all of this is. I am lucky to have found all of the research and resources that I did because I know this would accomplish nothing but man it is so difficult. I don't know why I want to share to my pain so much with this person but it's eating me up inside.

*mod*

This thread has reached its post limit. Please feel free to continue the discussion in another thread.
Mod Note- See also:
Part 4 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=297731.0;all)
Part 3 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=296372.0;all)
Part 2 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=296086.0;all)
Part 1 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=295922.0;all)