BPDFamily.com

July 2015 is when she left and the divorce was December.  Have to say I feel somewhat ashamed of still piecing it altogether, but I am.  The holiday has got me missing her and still thinking through all the broken pieces and if there were ever to be a chance. . .

Re: Splitting; this may be so obvious to others out here but it has recently been a light bulb moment for me when I realized that all the conflicting pieces of evidence I have about her feelings towards me then, and probable feelings towards me now, is likely evidence of her own internal splitting of me.  

I have read so many stories of how we were loved like crazy and treated so poorly.  I have never put my own story of all this in the context of splitting.  I have had splitting in the understanding of being "painted black".  But I now realize that all the back and forth messaging was likely her splitting of me.  THIS was the behavior that triggered my own trauma and ineffable feelings that lead to my merry go round and round with her and our arguments.

There are many instances of this behavior but the one that jumps to mind is how I was unable to follow through on a significant marital commitment and felt surely that the marriage would be severely jeopardized because of my inability and how angry she was only to get a birthday card with a boy wearing a superman cape and her writing to me that I was so courageous to face my fears.  I felt so small and confused.  I knew she was angry and wondered if she was trying to stoke my pride to get me to move forward and claim my strength.

Feeling weak.  Missing my dreams.  This is the first time since the divorce I have wanted to write a come-back-to-me letter.  And I have been wondering what her response could be.

In thinking about the letter, I am mentally replaying a phone call I got in March of this year from her best friend, and formerly my close friend, where the friend angrily said to me "your ex is never coming back", "it's going to take you a long long long time to get over this" and "you need to seek therapy".  I keep replaying this phone call as I think through the possibilities that my ex might still have a flicker of passion towards me.  I am very pissed off with that friend who I suspect was taking out her own 3 divorces of anger towards me.  And yet, this is the only thing I hear internally when ever I think of sending a letter.

I know I messed up my marital commitment.  I also know that, although I could not articulate my thoughts and feelings at the time, that I had a very valid reason as to why they were happening.  They revolved around the on/off, black/white and all/nothing treatment of me as expressed in her verbal putdowns and constant berating and then lifting me up - confusing!  However, our marital commitment was as important to me as it was to her.  I not only mourn the marriage but the life opportunities that went with it.  

I feel foolish sitting here typing this post knowing all the while there is nothing I can do while trying to take solace in the idea that at least life gave me a chance.

Lastly, I was recalling how totally scared she was of me at the end of our marriage when we were still living together.  I felt so awful and responsible, even as I was internally certain that there was nothing I did that would justify her being afraid and really terrified of me.  I have also recently realized that her fear/terror manifestation of me was the end of her splitting of me and moving to the one-sided "black".  When she proclaimed her desire to divorce she told me that; she loves me, sees me as family, but thinks of me as just a friend.  Ugghh.   Guilt guilt guilt.

Intimacy significantly waned at the end and I think this threw her over the edge from husband to friend or as she would say, "roommates".  Even with the "friend" declaration when she left and moved 10 minutes from me she refused to give me her new address due to fear.

It still feels awful.  And as I sit her on Independence day I remember how I so hated being single and having no plans and needing to go hunting each time I wanted to do something.

I am still loaded with feelings and this is the only place I know of that people understand why I am still processing a marriage that ended a year ago.

Peace

Hey joeramabeme:)

Her behaviour towards you seems distressing. It's revealing and distressing. I can see how her using behaviours from each side of the split can feel like a merry-go-round in arguments. From there, it's also difficult to form a feeling or thoughts to work upon during an argument. Things keep shifting.

She's responsible for her own behaviours. She's also responsible for the behaviours that result from her feelings. The behaviours of hers that you describe are based on splitting. These behaviours--I'd consider--are shaky, unpredictable, and unreliable. It's unsafe to place your feelings as subjects to such behaviours. I get that she's your SO, but if the basis of these behaviours was so shaky--kindly and without judgment--why do you let it affect your feelings? Who is responsible for her behaviours?