BPDFamily.com

I feel like my heart is being ripped out... my wife is newly dx although my therapist won't tell her. We have been seeing him for 6 yrs and after yrs of me saying something isn't right this isn't normal he finally dx her. I feel so upset and hurt and angry! For yrs he's been telling what hoops to jump through and I jumped through them all and of course nothing worked... I now have no trust in our therapist to help us,my wife is staying at her moms for the last week and has ask for a divorce... totally blindsided. All because she thinks me talking to her mom and sister was a betrayal. They came to me saying something wasn't right and I agreed. Of course her family threw me under the bus because everyone is too scared to say anything... I'm just sick,I have lost 25 lbs in the last month because I'm so upset and don't know what to do!
I guess my question is has anyone had a therapist take this long to dx the person and did you feel like therapy made things worse?  She has had him so manipulated and he always believed her lies! I would just be sitting there going, this is so crazy in my head! She won't listen to anyone but him. He has a lot of power in our relationship. I am seeing a new therapist tomorrow and I haven't told either one...

*welcome*

It is hard when you feel let down like this by therapists and family alike.

being made to feel like a persecutor i shard, most others are simply glad it is not them being assigned the role and find it easier to slip on the rescuer hat. The dynamic is called "Triangulation" (https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle)

My wife has been diagnosed with mental illness, and has been on a disability pension most of her adult life, yet no one diagnosed it as BPD until i did my research and pointed people that way. My wife is low functioning to, and been in and out of the medical system with all kinds of crisis.

There has been endless amounts of ineffective therapies, so yes this is normal. Selling stories is unfortunately a common factor in BPD. In fact her therapists now wants me to be present to, as they are now well aware she has a vivid interpretation of reality, even misinterpreting what they say.

BPD distortions often have enough truth in them to be believable and can fool anyone, even professionals. It is hard for therapists to be skeptical without becoming invalidating to the point of not being trusted...

In a weird way pwBPD feel betrayed by people because they dont automatically believe their BS stories. That is, they wont even take responsibility for the consequence of their own falsehoods.

To attempt to remove falsehoods and delusions is almost like trying to peel their skin off, it is all they have to protect themselves, and it is painful to them. They will resist and revert to desperate victim mode.

There is much to learn her so that you limit how much this affects you

Waverider

I have met with therapists that I believe have less skills than I do at identifying the core issues of people.  They are held to a higher standard in many cases, but in reality know just enough to be dangerous.  Your wife asked for a divorce because she feels "outed" by you and her family and that is not acceptable.  My wife's biggest issues are all the things that I have believed about her in the past.  She said "I just can't be with someone who could ever think that I have a personality disorder."  If it helps you, my wife has asked for a divorce dozens of times yet has never remotely followed through.  What did the new therapist say?

Hi Kathy22,


I don't think couples therapists are keenly focused on identifying/treating people with personality disorders.  Part of the difficulty is identifying when one (or both) partners are expressing distorted thinking.  It doesn't help when the disordered person lies and manipulates.


That said, when a therapist identifies someone to possibly have borderline personality disorder, I imagine they need to be delicate about the diagnosis.  Some people with BPD (pwBPD) don't have the emotional wherewithal to even accept such a diagnosis.  Perhaps this is why your therapist is hesitating to tell her.  When you tell someone with BPD that they have this disorder before they have the tools to consider accepting the diagnosis, the pwBPD might just discontinue the therapy and find a new therapist.

Why do you feel like your heart is being ripped out?


So you feel as though you have put work into your relationship which did not seem to improve the quality of your relationship.  I can understand why that would be frustrating.  :)id your wife also put in this kind of effort?


That's not a bad idea.

You are in the right place.

Best wishes,

Schwing