BPDFamily.com

Hello,

Responding on another member's thread, I realized I could do with some advise myself. So I will rediscribe the situation I find myself in.
 My grandmother, who I love very much, is dying. Normally I was supposed to travel, but I cancelled my trip to be here for her. Of course as a child of a BPDm the dying of grandma brings up my abandonment issues, but I felt there was more, and it had to do with the canceling of the trip. After thinking about it, I realized that my feelings could be emotional flashbacks (not sure). When I was with my BPD ex something similar as with the trip canceling, happened.

 Now I just feel panicky, like I felt back then, when I thought BPD ex would leave me. Combined with the fact that I know my grandma will soon 'leave me', I feel alone, and I panic. It's been a while since I had these feelings and I kind of hoped that I would not have them anymore, but here they are. In the past I also sometimes had them during holidays, when there was no structure, and I realized that I would be alone at home, or traveling, for some longer time.  I could handle weekends, but longer periods brought me out of my balance sometimes.
I thought I was over that. But here we are again.

Any advice  on how to handle this ? I have a small daughter and I want to keep being this strong happy mum I normally *try to* be (I succeed most of the time heheh).  In my 'normal' day to day life, I don't have those panicky feelings, but in the past every time  a relationship ended, or now in this case a loved one dies, I have them again. Like all of you, I did not exactly have a wonderful childhood, and of course I realize these are abandonment issues. The first time I remember having those feelings of full blown panick, was when a relationship ended when I was about 20. I probably had them as a child, too, but I don't remember that.

I am 37 now, and one of the reasons I don't have a relationship, is that I don't want my abandonment issues jumping in again, and that I don't want this feeling of panic rushing over me again when I am realizing I need to end the relation.

And now I have those feelings again and I don't like it... .any thoughts ? I practise meditation and alike, but at moments like this, it doesn't help  

Thanks!

HEY FIE 

I'm so sorry your grandmother is dying.     Sounds like she is very special to you.

I'm, also, sorry you are having panicky feelings.   Do they happen at any regular time of day, perhaps a.m. or p.m.?  Does your heart seem to beat fast, during any of the episodes?

The sense of loss or pending loss, can put us in a tailspin.  I've had periods of time, when I mostly get the panicky feeling in the wee morning hours.  I'd wake up at 3-4 a.m. and thoughts of doom and gloom would enter my mind.  Generally, once I got out of bed and active, they would subside (only to come back the next day).

Does exercise help?

Our hormones start shifting around a bit when we get around 40 (some people earlier).  Sometimes, a subtle change, combined with other things going on in our lives can make us more susceptible to bouts of depression or anxiety.  You might want to go to your doctor and have some blood work done.

CBT logic indicates that thoughts = feelings = behavior. Sometime, our thought processes lead us down the path of depression.  It can be helpful to retrain our thinking.

You might be interested in the Online Cognitive Therapy Link below:
https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a111.htm

Another CBT workshop is at this link below.  There are several worksheets you can download for this one.
www.allaboutdepression.com/workshops/CBT_Workshop/index.html

Are you able to go for some therapy at this time?  The help of a professional, might be the most helpful option for you right now. 

Hi Fie

I’m so sorry your grandmother is dyeing. It must be a very difficult time for you. I know I would struggle. I’m so please that you are reaching out, as I would need to do so also, if in your position.

I would echo much of the advice from Naughty Nibbler. What helped me the most in such times, is focusing on mindfulness, be that through meditation or simply focusing on your physical feelings rather than emotional. Also keeping active, you’re daughter might be able to help you there. Just remind yourself, the anxiety always passes. Just wait and it goes eventually. Avoid ruminating at all costs.

You mentioned the first time you had the feeling you were about 20. You also stated you thought you were over that, but here you are again. That suggests you may well have improved, which is great. 17 years without the anxiety, is a great achievement. Do you feel stronger than when you were 20 ? More grounded ?

I hope some of this helps, as you’ve been so generous with you words of wisdom to other members. What goes around.    

Thank you both for your advice.
I will check the links you sent me, Naughty Nibbler. And what you are saying HappyChappy, it definitely is true that I should avoid ruminating at all costs. More easily said than done though for me  :-)
Thanks also for chearing me on, but I did have those panicky feelings on several occasions since I was 20, and each time they are related to some kind of feeling of loss. Loss of a relationship, (slighter) feelings of panic after a fight with a friend (afraid to loose the friend), etc.
Mainly fear to be on my own. Which I am already, of course - in a way we all are.
Most of the time I am ok and happy really. And you are right, those negative feelings always pass. I thought about your words today and it really helped.
But on the other hand, I also want to work on the causes of my panic, because I am starting to feel that this is how I will be the rest of my life : happy and feeling quite balanced even, and then something triggers me and makes me feel alone, and there I am panicking again. I would really like to find a way to be able to deal with that.
NN, you asked how I feel during those episodes : yes my heart seems to beat fast at such a time, and I also have the feeling that I want to run away somewhere - only I don't know where. Roaming around, like in the car, seems to help - only to find out that once I have reached my destination, the feelings are still there  :-)  
Thanks for telling me you had similar feelings. It's helpful to know that I am not loosing it because if someone like you, who sounds like a very wise woman, has had it, it makes it seem more 'normal' :-). And your remark about hormones completely makes sense. I had some depressive symptoms before because of hormonal related things, and since I am taking herbal supplements the symptoms are gone.

That's really sweet of you to say and I want to thank you for it. I sometimes wonder if it makes sense, the advices I give to other members. Also I'm quite new here, and I have the feeling that I don't know as much as a lot of other members do. So thanks for the encouragement !

I am really thankful for the advices I am getting. Thank you so much.

I've given some thought about what "normal" is.  I've come to accept that everyone is wired a bit differently and we each have a different "normal".  It is easy to be self critical and think that everyone feels the same way, but they just manage it better.  I've grown to realize that that isn't likely the case.  Although thought process can have something to do with how we feel at certain times, I think some of us have a genetic predisposition to certain things.  Some people have a family predisposition for heart disease or cancer, and other have a family predisposition for things like stress management issues, anxiety and depression.

You are handling it in an intelligent way, as it does help to talk about it.  Some people have to manage their diet more diligently to avoid heart disease, and others have a need to use other tools to help manage their stress and moods.  

At some point, it may seem right for you to get some therapy.  It can be helpful to talk to a professional, if we need a little help with our self care efforts.  No shame in consulting a physician, regarding a low dose of some med to try for a period of time, if the panicky feeling don't resolve within a reasonable period of time.  Just because you try some med, to get you through your grandma's health issues and end of life, doesn't mean you need to stay on them.

One way to look at it is that some of us may be at the low end of "normal" in having the right chemistry to feel happy and not panicky.  When certain things happen, we tip slightly out of balance .  Most people need help  with something at various points during our lives.  

Hi Fie!

Grandparents are special, aren't they?  :) I'm very sorry for the struggles you are going through which are connected to your anticipated loss. I lost my father less than a year ago, and my uBPDm 3 years before that, so I definitely understand the sense of abandonment you are having. Loss (abandonment) can be so triggering!

 HappyChappy and Naughty Nibbler have both given you some sound advice, and it is especially helpful to remember that the feelings will pass. For me, when I reach the stages of panic, this reminder to myself has helped tremendously when I feel as you describe.


How wonderful that you are reaching to find the healing that you want to be free from these feelings though!  |iiii


How well I remember reaching a state in my late 40s when I couldn't run away from the dreams (nightmares) and feelings anymore. My ability to 'handle' them was running out, and I sought T for the first time. It has been life changing for me. Here is a link for you which has been a valuable tool in my own life when I experience triggering emotional flashbacks such as you may be experiencing.
www.pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm (http://www.pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm)
It is a state in which we feel trapped and unable to get out. Is that how you feel too?

 
Wools

Hi Fie.  I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother.

I get those panicky feelings too.  What helps me the most is recognizing what is going on and then talking myself through it.  Accepting the feelings and acknowledging that I do not like them, that I am scared, that I am afraid of abandonment and then I tell myself that I have not only survived abandonment before, but often thrived afterwards.  As said by others here, these feelings do pass, but I find they become easier when I talk to myself like above.  I swear, each time it happens, I still feel the panic, but I when I can say "Oh, here is that feeling again.  I've done this before and I will be just fine no matter the outcome" things become easier to deal with.  It is the avoiding or telling myself things like "Oh No! Here we go again, I hate this feeling, etc" that just amplifies things for me.

I think when working through things like this, the words we choose to describe the situation, our feelings and thoughts about those feelings makes a huge difference.  Okay, now this is where I have to confess that I am back on my kick of watching how I talk to myself. 

My prayers are with you and your g-ma.

Thank you all of you guys. I am starting to feel human again, and it's because of the encouraging words of you all.
You all said really wise things, and everything helps. Now I am also realizing that I'm not the only one having this. Apparently I am less abnormal than I thought.  :-)

I have also started reading in 'The journey from abandonment to healing', and also this is eye opening. It is just so good to hear that what I am feeling is something that some other people also have.

Yes, I feel trapped in my panic. I am not able to focus on things, and I'm in a state of hypervigilance at the same time. Reading about the 'why' of that (in the book I mentionned), somehow helps - I guess because it makes me feel less 'stupid' for having these 'childlike' feelings. And when I feel really overwhelmed, I think of what Happychappy said, that it will pass. Simple but quite effective for me.

I cannot say how grateful I am to you all.

xx

HEY FIE

I'm glad you are feeling better!  I think you got this.  Just keep remembering you aren't alone.  Hope the book continues to be helpful.