BPDFamily.com

Has anyone actually moved on to a more stable overal better relationship? Especially with children ?

I have a son for someone that has BPD.


I care for him but sadly he has pushed me away and I'm dealing with it. Feelings have changed due to the fact that I haven't seen any inprovements and he says he doubts that we will get back together though he would love to but dosent feel it, he's Also Bipolar.



My question is, has anyone moved on to a more healthy relationship after a breakup with someone that has BPD traits?

YES. But honestly, you have got to evaluate YOURSELF first before moving on. We can sit here all day and play the blame game. Of course our exes were mean to us. They even damaged us in some ways. But here is the real question, why did you stay? Why don't you value yourself? Once you figure those important questions out then you can move on to healthy people and relationships. Those are tough questions pal. But remember one thing, you can and will move forward.

Pardon?

I have already evaluated myself and I'm not blaming anyone. I'm passed that.

As to your question why did I stay?. Everything was great then out the blue it wasn't. As simple and as hard as that. Their was no back and forth of staying and leaving. Just all good to a big crash.


Please questions goes both ways.

After a lot of searching ,struggling, and searching my soul, I have found a healthy relationship. I'm married to a nice woman who is very kind and has a beautiful heart. That's huge for me. I don't think I'll get to the point where I never think of my exfiance. Part of my hook is that I'm a compassionate person. I saw how much she suffered... .didn't quite know why (now I do)... .but I wanted to love her. She just couldn't give me the same. Pity isn't love though. I'm a much healthier spot now. I don't think I'll ever completely forget her but gradually the weight of that relationship is disappearing. Life is getting better. It's in fact, much better. I need to think of that. Maybe someday she'll be healthy and happy? Maybe she won't?

After my encounter with my ex today, I think I'm even more determined to not hanging on anymore.

I want to seek greener pastures. She's just not worth the effort.

Wow findingmyself seems you site name is very fitting. It appears you reached a place I need to go to move on, it seems you have emerged out of this with compassion and forgiveness.
Thanks for your honesty about not forgetting, I expect I won't be able to forget the 12 years of my life good and bad. Also I have 2 young daughters and a son and each one has her features that are constant reminders.
But the path of enlightenment and understanding about my ex and why I went there is a pattern I need to break. I have learned I have been the rescuer in this r/s and this needs to end.
So dontknow88 I want you to know I sm a newbie here, I just found this site a few days ago but I am soo grateful I am here. I have read so many post and read other articles that have given me answers and relieved the burden, shock and pain of not understanding what and why it happened, now it's crystal clear and getting clearer with every time I am at this site. My favorite is the article how a relationship with a BPD evolves, bam did this bring mental clarity of what and why things happened the way it did.

No way am I ready to move on. We are not divorced yet but my kids are telling me she is talking marrying this guy. Before I discovered this site I was pretty down, I was sad to hear every time they told me, even though I told them not to tell me they did anyway, kids you know. But also thinking I have full custody, I love my children and I love spending all my time I can with them is a blessing but I woukd have lower chances of finding someone new.

Now, first wahoo, she gets married and no 4 years of maintenance! Then secondly I am going to get out of this site what I need to. This includes reviving self worth and self respect, focusing on making myself a better person, forgiving without her asking to be forgiven, learning my mistakes I made, and finally when I am truly happy with myself again, I believe that will be what I hope will attract a good woman to me. I believe by then I will know what I want and in a nutshell I want a woman who I truly love for who she is and she can reciprocate love back.
Ok I babbled enough but I will leave this last thing, a guy typed that in way he now realized he needed to go through this stuff to grow. Isn't that great. Have a good journey dontknow88, try to enjoy the growth you will achieve.

You just asked "has anyone moved on to a better relationship" I'm telling you yes. It appears you have unresolved issues.

I tried to get out a year or so in when I saw how bad her behaviour was. Something kept drawing me back. She was very adept at telling me I needed to change. So I worked harder and harder to improve but I was doing things she thought would improve me, not things I thought would improve me. The more she told me I wasn't improving the more frustrated I felt.

I stayed as I loved her, cares for her and wanted to be with her. Then as soon as I realised I loved her more than myself I also realised that I was scared into thinking I would never meet someone new or someone I loved so much. I would panic and try to get back with her, each time promising more.

Once we got pregnant with her son, her illness became apparent. The name calling, setting me up for failure, mind games etc were off the wall. I remember having to move out and one night I was sitting on my couch wondering was she ok. She text saying that she had had a couple of crank calls on the home phone. I drove to her house, she was upset. Put my arm around her and asked if she wanted me to stay and she said no. All she had been doing was making sure I was not out partying. I remember driving home a bit stunned as she wasn't scared.

I changed so much while with her but a lot for good, a lot of bad. I realise that she will probably never be happy and I am hoping that one day soon I can be. This is my fault - not hers. I chose to stay. I am the problem she is a symptom.

Thank you all for your replys.

StayStrongNow thank you for the encouraging words and I wish you the best. I'm new here too

I have not moved on persa but I still get along with my ex wife and she's been very understanding and supportive when she can be.

The sad reality is she too was a drug addict when I met her and yeah I see a pattern and that's on me.

Great topic Dontknow88

Keep healing :)

Hey JerryRG, thanks, it's something I really wanted to know. So it even possible.
I'm glad you two get along, me and my ex get along most of the time too but I see that it just won't work out in that way. He's the kind of guy that can be friend with an ex no matter how it ends.

People with BPD (pwBPD) have heightened dysfunction with close relationships.  The closer they are, the more the dysfunction becomes evident and an issue.  So while we can examine ourselves with a goal to improve ourselves, the most impact for a workable future together would be whether the pwBPD would Let Go the Denial, pause the Blaming or Blame-Shifting, have meaningful sessions with a neutral professional and apply the therapy diligently for months and years to come.

However, that's a tall order for anyone, and especially so for someone so disordered.  There is no quick fix.  A few sessions won't make sufficient lasting changes, rather it would be more of a whitewash, a public face not likely to last.

So it comes down to this... .If the disordered person won't change (meaningfully improve in therapy over time) then it is up to us to decide what is best for us and any children.  Waiting endlessly for the other to maybe change is not a realistic solution.

But could we 'make' it work?  Well, we do have relationship, communication and other skills described here that do help us deal with these difficult relationships and circumstances but there are limits.  But if the other won't work with us and even continues obstructing and sabotaging then it is up to us to call it what it is, unworkable, and then determine how best to move forward from there.  For many, if the other is not responsive to improvements, then it means the relationship ends.  So sad, but that's life.

We may desire 'closure' but in many cases we won't get that from the other person, closure may have to be something we Gift ourselves.

Many members here had no choice but to leave the relationship behind and Move On.  But it takes time.  Recovery is a process over time, not an event.

Hi,

I don't have children with my exBPD but I have my own children from a previous relationship.  My relationship with my exBPD went from good to bad (no back and forth).  It was probably 4-5 months of turmoil before I finally left and I did not know about his BPD at the time.  I only mention the time frame because I believe the longer you are in these relationships, the more mess you have to clean up.  They really do a number on you, like a ninja blender blade inserted into the brain.

The break up was over a year ago and I am about 10 months into a really healthy relationship now.  I still have triggers that get pushed but I am able to remind myself that it is different with my current boyfriend.  It's like if he calls to say, "I'm waiting... .where the heck are you?"  I panic a little inside because that used to get exagerated into a huge mess resulting in a "then this needs to end" rage.  

My boyfriend is my best friend.  He makes me mad, hurts my feelings and just annoys me from time to time but that is as bad as it gets.  We can talk and work through issues.  We can be quiet and take space if either of us needs it.  We can make mistakes and apologize.  Communication is used to resolve an issue instead of escalating it.  We can laugh about stressful things in life and openly share our feelings and insecurities.  The moment either one of us realizes we have hurt the other one, there is compassion.  We can agree to disagree.  We do things together with our families and friends but are not threatened if we need to do them separately.  We share our friends and family rather than it being a competition for attention.  (sorry to go on and on but I think this is good for me) He is my go to guy when bad and good things happen.  I can always count on him.

I think I am on the other side now :)
Bunny

Not yet.  I was married 11 years, total 14 year r/s.  Divorced 6 months ago and have been casually seeing someone for 6 months. 

As far as the self-esteem and self-worth comments go; all true.  Yet it sounds so pedestrian in light of all the hurt that we have gone through and must feel to get to the other side.  I reply to this comment because its nature is dismissive and somewhat blaming of the non for what happened. 

We non's possess a makeup that lead us to the people we selected, but what happened is not necessarily our fault, but how we handled it is and that is what we need to look at.  So to your question, I don't think I am at a point where I am ready to handle an intimate r/s.  Need to rebuild trust and a vision for the future.

Yes, in a big way.  The first healthy relationship I needed to build was one with myself, which took a while, especially since I'd been avoiding things for a long time that became unavoidable after time in borderline school.  And then, with entirely new perspectives, borne out of pain and what I now consider the gift of the relationship, I needed to do some spring cleaning on my life, remove some disempowering relationships and reinforce the empowering ones, and then, being someone who has always jumped into relationships with both feet, I'm spending time with several women, not jumping anywhere, but centered and aware.  It feels exactly right, long time coming, and I can gleefully report that life after borderline is WAY better than life before I even met her; it's a brand new day... .

So I'm thinking you asked the question because you're looking for some hope Dontknow?

Yes, I've moved on.  I still miss some special moments with my ex, but his mental health issues are most certainly a deal-breaker.  I have no desire for a relationship with him and I know there is no future.

My ex is the one who seems to have trouble moving on.  Every time he hears I'm dating someone else, he creeps closer to me again.  It is getting really annoying.

I doubt it

Yeah... .I've definitely moved on. Having her tell me that she is pregnant recently is totally making me want to avoid her, but I can't until I can confirm that she is for real and the kid is really mine.

Bunny you give me hope!

Leonis please keep me updated if she is or not. That's not an easy situation and I wish you nothing but the best

fromheeltoheal,

Hello yes I was looking for hope, was having a really down day and I can positively say that was my last one since. He visited the other day and I felt nothing for him, he seemed like a stranger. That helped

Good glad it did!  and you know what the best part is?  I am the same person I am now with my new partner that I was with my exBPD partner.  Meaning I say the same things, I do the same things... .My morals, values, thoughts, opinions, actions are all the same.  I'm just doing it with the right person this time. Amazing what a difference a partner makes. :)

I've moved on quite a bit.

It took me around 6 months of the final breakup to process everything that happened and stop playing the blame game. I was hardly the innocent bystander I claimed to be (even to myself) and the truth is I had major, major work to do on myself even before I met her. My issues played a huge part in how everything played out.

Not proclaiming her innocent but I'd say we were almost as bad as each other. Just her coping mechanisms were splitting etc mine was wallowing in depression.

But yeah it's like 10 months out now and I'm not ready to date. I have an acute sense of the areas I need to improve which is good to have something to work on.

I do still have nostalgic thoughts and occasionally hope for a recycle attempt but that's just the addict in me Jonesing for a hit of my drug of choice

10 months and there's light at the end of the tunnel.

StayStrongNow, I love what you had to say. Great thread everyone.

I have no answer, but I hope in time I find a healthy relationship. I hope I want my stbx less, and the hurt goes away.

I wish you all the best! I don't know you but I'm honestly really happy for you! I pray your relationship flourishes ! Xo

Time sure heals!

Time heals. You may not want to hear this but yeah. Focus on yourself, better yourself, let time go by. One day you will say "what was I worrying about". I wish you the best

It's so sad what those BPD relationships do to you.  I think about even if my current relationship doesn't end up in  happily ever after until a death to us part situation... .atleast it is a healthy, enjoyable relationship.   No drama, ups downs... .just normal day to day stuff.  We have our moments, bad days but the love is still always the center and foundation.  It's more like "your bugging me today" instead of "i hate you, your a terrible person" 

It's really nice to be past that, a breath of fresh air after a relationship where my son sitting on my bed to ask me a question turned into me having an inappropriate relationship with my son.  Ughhhh... .glad I got out of that.

Bunny

I was married and together 7 years.  :)ivorced got back together.  Broke up got back together.  Even a few months ago I trusted her again and she cheated first chance she got.  I have not responded since then.  I met someone I really liked but was struggling getting over the exBPD.  I can see within the last month I have really fell in love and she is truly my best friend.  I do have bad days.  Just yesterday I had a nightmare of my ex and woke up to look at her FB and see how "happy" she is with her new man.  It hurt bad.  But I fought through and the feelings passed which never seemed to happen before.  By nighttime I laughed at myself and the a**hole she was to me.  So point being I am not there yet but come a long way from sleeping 15 minutes at a time and jumping out of my skin over anything.  You will get there.  I wouldn't give up my gf for her ever again.  I often am amazed at what she does for me day in and out.  And wonder what the heck I was doing.  Good luck

Confused99,

Stay focus and don't look at that page anymore.  If you're love doesn't live there anymore, why do you keep revisiting.  Behave! That's something your ex would have done, right? Don't do it to the new one, if she's as good to you as you say. I wish you success

Glad to see there is hope! I've been on and off with my uBPDgf for about 2 years now. We are currently broke up again. The fights and demands are getting worse. We have been recycling literally every couple days for the past few weeks and I am feeling drained. Prior to that I had gone a month NC, but obviously I broke down my own wall. Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder what happened to the guy that wouldn't take crap from anyone. A couple years of mental, emotional, and psychological abuse (and physical on a few occasions... .but always the threat of it). She prayed on my compassion... .compassionate people make for easy pray. I know I am at fault too... .I'm codependent which is odd because for many years I went the opposite direction (maybe it's the getting older thing?) and have an addictive personality... .I have become addicted to the ups and downs (more the ups) she brings and have worried I'll find "normal" women boring after her. So seeing that others are finding "regular" people wonderful to date again brings hope. I've forgotten what it is like to disagree with a partner about something and it not meaning I am a horrible person who should just agree with her or lose her number and never contact her again... .followed by her calling me names and telling me I never do anything for her and surely don't and never did love her... .to the next day "Hey, what you up to?" text like nothing happened. Rinse, repeat, recycle... .

Moved on, yes. Better relationship, yes. Children, no.

Life is fantastically better without my upwBPD ex. Both single and dating. I have felt a vastly greater sense of both foresight and control (personal and relational). It's also much easier for me to avoid partners I don't want to be around.

 C<||| ForeverDad
I definitely agree with what ForeverDad said: Recovery is a process over time, not an event.

It takes time, I think it's one of those put-in-what-you-get-out things. That can be positive or negative. It took me many months before I was ready to date. I learned to really spoil myself so you can make it easier if you want to  :)

pwBPDs (a serious mental illness) have been documented to leave residual effects on nons so it's important to deeply question what happened. Therefore, we could well require time to recover too. Rape victims require recovery--while not the "same" thing--why shouldn't we?

Recall that a pwBPD's behaviours are greatly enabled between certain combinations of people. You want to ask "What kinds of people?" and explore that. Then you'll have done some housekeeping. Being able to fix the damage from a relationship before taking yourself to the next relationship is this great gift we have. Even then, while exploring, if you dig up a skeleton in your backyard that was responsible for haunting you (that existed before the relationship) as a result of your exploration, then all the power to you. Some of us here seemed to have something like this. Go for it!

 C<||| fromheeltoheal
LOL BPD school. Isn't it just. Rofl.

Thank you all for the  reply's. Yes, I guess like any failed relationship it takes time, getting to know the new you, assessing that, recover and better yourself (even if you don't think you need to better yourself) everyone will always need to elvolve then moving on to a new relationship, healed, ready & fully emotionally  available

I feel I have. The key, start thinking of her as an object not a person. That's what I represented to her, that's why it was easy for her to hurt me.

I feel I have. The key, start thinking of her as an object not a person. That's what I represented to her, that's why it was easy for her to hurt me.

yes, I have and life is good again. Next month will be two years since I spoke to my exBPDgf. After I told her I was done and I never wanted to hear from her again. I got the usual, her blowing my phone up with texts and calls all hours of the night, emails, stalking. alternating between telling me one day I was the greatest and when I didnt respond, to her telling me via text how I was the lowest form of life. I just kept sticking to NC no matter what she said or texted and she just finally stopped after about 5 months. What I relized was, I was really the one in control, when I complained the she said mean and hurtful things to me I had all the control. and that was by going NC and sticking to it no matter what. It just came to me one day that the only way she really could hurt me was by me listening to her and if i was NC I could no longer hear what she was saying. But, by the time all this happened we had been on about our 12th recycle in 3 years. our longest seperation had been about 8 months and I had already knew that life was better without her. Prior to the 8 month break up, our break ups never lasted more then 3 or 4 weeks, I never contacted her, she always started the break up and always initionated the recycle, but I was always there waiting for it. When the last break up happened I already had my mind set to go NC I was just waitin for the normal to happen and I knew it would, it got to where I could just about predict when she was gonna start the break up and when she was gonna start the recyle. I had it down to a science.

But to answer your question yes, I moved on and my life has returned to how it was prior to BPD and Im in a wonderful realtionship that is so normal its scary. I do still have a little shell shock from my BPD ex but as time goes on it gets to be less and less. NC is really the Key!

Moved on. Well I've dated a few people yet over a year out and I still think of her daily. I'm still "jealous" of my replacement even though my ex was terrible for me and treated me badly (cheating, lying, smear campaigns, etc.)

I think I am at the point I want her to suffer. That's a horrible feeling to have. I am sure she suffers daily (in her head). I work with my ex's sister and this has caused me embarrassing issues at work. I've been threatened and intimidated. I can't believe I dated this idiot and could have lost my job, my livelihood.

I think I am more angry and spiteful. I did take a big step yesterday and delete all our mutual contacts on FB. She has blocked me, and I her. Still, I think I held onto these people as a security blanket. They ARENT my friends. I think this was a critical step for me to give myself closure of sorts.

PW

Im glad you moved on!
I wish I could go NC but we have a kid together. I can just see if we live that long in going to have pointless downs and drama for the next 18 years

Dontknow88,, you said the magic  words.  I met someone about 2 months or so ago. We been taking since. I keep looking for weird signs. It makes me nervous how normal she is. So after the last BPD Stunt my worst experience pulled, I started to pay more attention to this new friend. She knows when to go home too. She texts me normal words. We go to the movies and do stuff we both like to do. The best part, she is responsible with her money. I noticed it.

I saw my ex for hopefully the last time last week. I had to make sure I was done with that & was done with wanting $3x with her bc I didn't want to toy with this normal woman's heart.  After seeing her, I knew.  I think Im ready to again start dating an adult.   |iiii 
New wo.an is funnier than me too. I like that.  :check:

YAY I'm extremely happy to hear that, I truly wish you all the best! Theirs a saying that goes "you don't destroy people you love"

So happy for you! Take it easy!