BPDFamily.com

She moved on. We haven't talked in a month, it was a terribly tense talk and after being raged at, I told her not to contact me again. I cut all ties.

But I am upset at how I handled myself. I am also upset at how she handled me. Its so disrespectful.

There's nothing really to achieve by reaching out, but the fixer in my can't help but want to, to have a better, calmer ending. I'm trying to accept that things can end badly. I'm trying to accept that this is how she wants it. She has someone new now, no need to deal with me.

I'm feeling lost in this. Please, help me feel anchored on this tough day.






 

Hi Ellemno 

I hope we can support you here :) I too felt lost when I was trying to figure out what to do. It seems like you're somewhat confused as well. That's normal. There is quite a lot of processing that can help us in the long term.


That's honest. Thank you for sharing this. I'm glad to see that you can recognise that you both had a role at the conversation. That's a similar sort of process to the self-inquiry that's involved in detachment. It also shows that you're able to hold two somewhat contradictory feeling states at a given time. I think that's a good sign.

Consider that there's also another way to look at behaviours of both of you. What upsets you? I'm guessing you didn't do as well as you think you should have? If we set out to behave one way and it turns out difficult to do, there's sometimes little reason to be upset. Everyone makes mistakes. People slip here and there. Try to be kinder to yourself.  :)

Repeating old behaviours tends to feel comfortable until we have good enough reasons to change them. That you can recognise this is a good sign :)

It may also be helpful to consider this instead: "She has someone new now, I don't need to deal with her." That can also be an accurate description of the situation, even though it's not obvious during detachment.