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Hi all! I was replaced pretty much right away and it seems like lots of others on this board were too so it made me curious about percentages!

3 weeks after separation.

According to what he told me, it was few months after.
But I always suspected he was seeing a girl straight after we broke up (he went to live "temporary" in her apartment) ...

Replaced by a significant other? Not yet anyways.

Definitely replaced by a new group of friends and a new roommate. They are all female. Then again, my ex claims to be bi, so she could be getting it on with any of them. I'm okay with her being with other women so soon though. At least they are all decent looking.

What does decent looking have to do with anything?

My ex left when s9 was 6mo old but we maintained an odd relationship until he was 8. She had total control over s9 and provided the sex. When I started pushing hard to get my proper access time, to be a proper father and do father and son things, she was done of me and had a new man in 2 shakes of a lambs tail.

Or... .I simply don't mind if she replaces me with another woman.

One month after separation 2 candidates were selected and tested
I was shell shocked
Two months after separation the winner moved in

 
I was 'replaced' by a female 'best buddy' and drinking companion. And yes, they really are just that. When I reconnected with my ex just recently, he was at great pains to prove to me that he hasn't had another GF since me, that  he doesn't want to sleep with just any girl, etc. etc.

Except, in essence, he has got another GF, a 'best friend' who he met between breaking up with me and recycling me, and they are now almost inseparable. It's both painful and bizarre to watch, and yes of course I am jealous, because she is effectively spending all the time with him that I previously did. 


So, bit of a weird one, because the 'replacement' overlapped our relationship, yet it's a platonic replacement.

 

The hunt was already on long before we broke up. I intuitively knew it was happening but couldn't wrap my mind around it that she actually would do this... .

So... .She made sure to have someone standing ready to jump over to.

It's been almost 2 years... .and I have NOT been replaced.

I have been physically removed from my former "relationship" for almost a year now, but the whole time we remained in contact; I asked her to get therapy for her BPD while I moved away to escape the torture and figure out *why* I put up with so much belittlement and abuse. Three weeks ago, with my lease expiring soon, we seriously talked about me moving back in and everything fell to pieces. She still uses the same thought processes and provokes me. This time, I am not responding back with anger or anything at all. I am just ignoring her. I will not respond to anything she sends, any threats, anything whatsoever.

A week ago it appeared, via Facebook, she had a date with a man; she was openly flirting with a stranger knowing I could see it all. And I learned I am stupid for even looking at her page -- she's out of my life, why bother? It just eats at me and my time. So I'm learning, slowly.

Anyway, she is now looking for a roommate -- she can't afford our old place by herself anymore, all her savings are gone -- and I wouldn't be surprised if the roommate is a romantic interest.

It sure didn't take her long to start dating after I dumped her; as for me, dating is the last thing on my mind right now. The only thing on my mind is buying a house and putting the skunk behind me. It would be dangerous for me to date now, with all this damage. I couldn't put an innocent person thru that.

As for any man or woman she chooses to be with, they're on their own. I know this woman, she will continue her same reckless ways without regard or care of anyone's feelings than her own.

6 months before she blew my mind at the discard.

My immediate answer is I don't know. She filed for divorce 1 2/3 years ago and it is not clear if I was discarded 2 years ago and first
replaced by her tattoo guy and or ex boyfriend and or her rich freind who she discarded and died or her newest rescuer who she plans on marrying and picked out the ring. We are not divorced yet.

So I don't know if I have been in the devaluation stage and she was just sleeping around because her toys weren't enough or I truly was discarded the night she beat me and got arrested and the next day filed.

I will never know for sure because I cannot trust her whatsoever. I can't NC her completely, I have full custody of my kids.

I didn't know this stbxBPDw had this horrible brain disease for sure until just a few weeks ago.

3 months before we broke up, she had already replaced me and was having an affair whilst promising me a bright future... we lived together and they worked together so it developed at work... she would say she is going out with a girl buddy when really was with him... devestating... there was me renovating out home making it lovely for us both to start our family... her idea

I feel as if the term "replacement" is the wrong word being used here. Replacements are referred to because they were being groomed pre break up. To say you were "replaced" after months doesn't exactly add up. Consider a healthy relationships end. Would you consider a former lover finding a new lover within months as a replacement. I think not. I feel as if I'm just splitting hairs here though.

A couple of weeks after we split he informed me that if I didn’t get my act together he would be forced to date other women and already had someone in mind. He then continued to pursue me so I wasn’t sure if he was dating others or not. I was hurting and still open to discussing our problems, but not if he was dating others. He refused to give me a straight answer one way or the other, but continued to bombard me with requests to meet and sort things out. Only whenever I suggested a time he suddenly couldn’t make it because he was having dinner with his ‘daughter’ or ‘uncle’. Smell a rat anyone? Over and out.

Hey Confused? It seems to be simply mechanical for a BPD to discard and replace or to replace and discard a NON. It is not coming from a normal person. My experience is it is not true love as they write on the BD, aniversary, and holiday cards the love you forevers and you are my true soulmate... .They are in a perennial state of obtaining insurance you won't leave until they want you to. They are fantastic sales people, can sell ice cubes to the Eskimos. They have this cold steel heart that can be erected from a once appearing bubbly, caring and in love heart.

Replacement is a great term, sounds fitting like replacing equipment once the BPD goes nuts and bolts on you.

That was my point. Replacement is a word used meaning replacing you. It could be anything from new lover, to an animal or a friend. But they do it instantly. They don't sit there for months on end waiting for the right time. I was just saying the term replacement as used in the poll wasn't the right term to be used. It should have just simply said how long till they were with someone new? To say they found a replacement months after the break up doesn't quite make them a replacement even by BPD standards.

The worst was finding out after the fact that my guy had stayed in town with me (he was temporarily living an hour away) so that when I was at work he could pursue my replacement.

Of course I later found out he had told her he was staying with his mother and she believed him... .even though she knew we were in a relationship.

Replaced exactly 1 month after the break-up; however, as far as I know she had at least 2 intermittent flings going on the last 5 months of our relationship (I don't know earlier, but I don't think so). Found out because she told me out of nothing (I didn't have the slightest idea... .).

She also screwed two coke-addicted blokes in the month after our breakup and before the subsequent replacement. So, I'd say that I was not replaced immediately... .but her bed wasn't cold for sure  

Guess I'm lucky I didn't get any STD  

It is sad, isn't it? As if some BPDs, sometimes, use their partners/ex-partners as "human" wallets when they get into financial troubles... .

Hello.

How long?
My ex was playing NC but had never said it was over between me and her. Then i did mistake and she said it was over. Week later she was in realationship on facebook and send me email about she is happy now and have found her soulmate. That just really make sens? haha.

I saw see was talking to new men on facebook before she enden our realationship (more then one)... .but you know how it works. If i mentioned that. Something was wrong with me and i was crazy. So i did not know about BPD/NPD on this time but know now.

She found her new victime before she dumped me completly. Her bed was probably still warm from me when he arrived.

11 weeks NC now.

Interesting... .indeed, I think that one of the most mind-boggling thing we experience is NOT the replacement per se... .that can happen even between normal people.

NO, it is the WAY they discard you, where they usually lack the most basic human decency and empathy - after having said you every day "you are the love of my life", "you are my soulmate", etc., even for YEARS, until the horrible dismissal.

And the way they treat you afterwards, like a piece of trash that never existed... .wow.

These are the things that hurted us the most I think, much more than the replacement in itself.
It is really a horrible mental illness... .


Happened the same exact thing to me. She found an incredibly petty reason to terminate all contacts and proclaim, 1 week after, the beginning of a new relationship. So immature, childish and cruel.

Wow, 50% of us were replaced before the relationship was over, a whopping 75% of us were replaced within 1 month, and then whoa by 3 months more than 90% of us were replaced. I wonder how that compares to "normal" breakups.

That's so crazy! Mine was with who he thought would be the replacement- when he asked me for a divorce... .but when I caught her in my bed on XMAS, that ran her off... he had told her we were separated supposedly... .then he ended up recycling another one in Jan. , slept with two other ones in the meantime... .one became his "stalker" and said she was pregnant ... .then he tried to recycle me, but ended up getting the Jan. recycle pregnant and moved in with her. This one cheated on her husband with mine in 2013 then my husband dumped her, I found the e-mail. They started up again together in Jan. She wrote she loved her wonderful husband on Facebook in Feb. Then left him in March, to live with a roommate closer to my husband... . She pushed and persuaded mine to move in with her... .She is now still married, living with my just ex-husband, was unable to get divorced in Dec. due to being pregnant and had to wait to get a paternity test after the baby was born in May. I am wondering who the father really is, lol She can get divorced any time now after the test... .Doesn't she sound like BPD? By the way, he tried to recycle the Xmas woman for a third time last year... .This would make for an interesting Jerry Springer show for sure! It is hard to keep up with!

He was talking to one girl behind my back (but I found out about it right before we separated) and it was made known to me that they were a couple as soon as it was over with me. But they only lasted 3 months and he rebounded with another right after her. But it's not going well with her and he's made several attempts at contacting me. 

Wow blue finding one of your replacements in your own bed... .on XMAS! That is really traumatic!

No minimum amount of decency, it's astonishing... .

Pretty much what I think was happening with my ex.

I found out last week that she was chatting with ex boyfriends, one more than another and they are still in contact. Seems he's done well for himself since they split up. Funny convo me and her had had earlier in the night was that she wants her next bloke to be someone who just finances and provides to her. Not interested in love, just wants a house, car and money nothing more. Then this all comes out about the well to do ex that can provide the stability she claims I can't give her.

She's been silently triangulating me with him for months.

Well, I was perpetually in replacement the entire r/s... with her Cat! 

But honestly, my entire r/s I was being triangulated with her best friend from HS. Anything *we* did was always in committee with her best friend. In essence I feel like I had r/s with both my pwBPD and her bFF. Instead of talking with me about OUR issues, she would go to her BFF first, get validation and then I was judged and accused by both of them. So unhealthy. 

So, having validation the entire r/s from her BFF made her discard easy for her. I feel like I dated a girl that is still High School.

@mars22... .funny that... same here... .i bought her a cat as we both agreed it could help her depression and teach her how to love something... .she then proceeded to be obsessed with the cat talking to it like a baby and following it around are apartment all night every night, felt like she didnt need me anymore and i was just in the way... .same prior to the cat... i spent lots of money on nice fish and a fish tank for her... she would talk to the fish all night tapping the glass like a crazy lady... she absolutely loved them... .i came back from work one day and the fish and tank were gone... .i asked where they ad gone and she acted sheepish and wouldnt look me in the eye... .i said  "you flushed them down the toilet didnt you? why?" she just looked at me with a mischevious evil smirk and would never answer the question... and that was that... yet another confusing situation where she just would not give me an answer and i had to just move forward confused and let it go knowing that something very strange was going on here... .red flags red flags... .so many... .she still has the cat, my replacement moved into our apartment i had just renovated... i left... .its like in a heart beat he became me and she carried on as normal... i ment nothing to her... .i could go on forever about the red flags... .thousands of them... .yet i stayed... .she had got me hooked and made me feel sorry for her

Within a few weeks!

, child and yeas, even a pet.

Exactly: a replacement need not necessarily be a romantic one... .it could be a family member, friend

Hey Fr4nz, you posted a description of my stbxBPDw exactly.

I had a stack of those "I will always love you forever" cards 2 inches think that I burned shortly after her filing for divorce.

I just don't feel like texting about her, but I will proudly state I told her she must have NC with me unless it strictly pertains to the kids. Sad side I am stuck with this mental illness from her and her mother for a long long time. I expect the drama to continue, I must disengage.

Funny, I got the "you were a big part of my life, I will always love you" too! I also got the "you will always be apart of our life" from the Mother! The apple doesn't fall too far from the cart. I think they mean that you will be a memory in their history, duh! They don't even want to remember, because they would have to remember how horrible they were. His own Mother said she only wants to remember the good and can't deal with the bad. They can compartmentalize. I wish I could... .I still feel traumatized. I am trying to put myself in the mind set that he was horrible and I wanted out... .I still feel dumped though. That's the problem. It still feels like I made a huge mistake getting with him in the first place. I still don't trust anyone.

Wow, the percentages still are staggering-- 90% found new people in a month! Do you think they have the right idea? What are the pros and cons of moving on like this, do you think? Barring the ups and downs of BPD, my in-a-new-relationship ex certainly seems much happier than me in the transition!

I fear I am about to be replaced.

2.5 months.

Constant changing of times to see son, looks like someone new is on the scene.

Gutted.

Although the word “replacement” is commonly used and I fully understand why it is used, I have to object.
I can’t be replaced…  as I am a unique person. 
I suggest it is replacing the once love object for a new love object or love attachment   

As JRT most accurate wrote, A replacement need not necessarily be a romantic one, a pet will do.
Accurate.
A daughter will do, seen it, as scapegoat for their pain, as rescuer to drag ex out of the gutter.
A son, who didn’t comply to exs wishes became the punished object (because he stayed with me), so not attending twice (2x) at his graduation.
Then the ‘replacement’…  after a 18 months, that after a 30+ yrs r/s. 
Generally and common is 1 month for every yr., so in this case 1 yr. for every 10 yrs of r/s, so 36 months.

We know pwBPD do not grieve like us.
PwBPD suppresses their pain and yes, their deep and deep shame of their action, as confronting their pain, their grieve and intense shame will cause so much, much more intense pain and grieve.


(don’t be confused with pain, grieve expressed during an outburst, that is towards the attachment, the love object, that is the hurt child expressing itself)
 
That leaves PwBPD with no other choice (although it is not a choice for them(!) than to search for a new attachment, to bond with a new love object, as pwBPD deeply craves for love.
 
Remind us, we are the bad object, we are seen as the persecutor that caused their action on that moment!
Please keep that in mind for your own path of detachment.
Doing so, I suggest NOT to move on…, INSTEAD move forward…. 
   
Kc Sunshine

Don’t forget BPD is a spectrum disorder, many of the exes as described on the Board are lower functioning,
Most of the relationships didn’t last a 5 yrs. (can’t find that poll, may you can)

I think your question about the pos and cons of moving on like this, is answered too.
There is no pro, there is no con for pwBPD, it is a necessity to survive.
A 4yr old that is abused will still ‘love’ their parents… out of survival… and will therefore suppress the pain, to switch emotions off.

Further all their pain and angriness accumulated during life will be part of the package the new attachment ( replacement) will get to cope with.
For pwBPD each painful memory becomes a reference and reminder that triggers their coping mechanism in order to survive.

The broken attachment is within themselves; not with you.
By leaving you first... .pwBPD are controlling the demolition.
Control trumps their fear.
Often a sense of control is all that is keeping them from losing it completely

Although the word “replacement” is commonly used and I fully understand why it is used, I have to object.
I can’t be replaced…  as I am an unique person.
I suggest it is replacing the once love object for a new love object or love attachment   

As JRT most accurate wrote, A replacement need not necessarily be a romantic one, a pet will do.
Accurate.
A daughter will do, seen it, as scapegoat for their pain, as rescuer to drag ex out of the gutter.
A son, who didn’t comply to exs wishes became the punished object (because he stayed with me), so not attending twice (2x) at his graduation.
Then the ‘replacement’…  after a 18 months, that after a 30+ yrs r/s. 
Generally and common is 1 month for every yr., so in this case 1 yr. for every 10 yrs of r/s, so 36 months.

We know pwBPD do not grieve like us.
PwBPD suppresses their pain and yes, their deep and deep shame of their action, as confronting their pain, their grieve and intense shame will cause so much, much more intense pain and grieve.

(don’t be confused with pain, grieve expressed during an outburst, that is towards the attachment, the love object, that is the hurt child expressing itself)
 
That leaves PwBPD with no other choice (although it is not a choice for them(!) than to search for a new attachment, to bond with a new love object, as pwBPD deeply craves for love.
 
Remind us, we are the bad object, we are seen as the persecutor that caused their action on that moment!
Please keep that in mind for your own path of detachment.
Doing so, I suggest NOT to move on…, INSTEAD move forward…. 
   
Kc Sunshine
Don’t forget BPD is a spectrum disorder, many of the exes as described on the Board are lower functioning,
Most of the relationships didn’t last a 5 yrs. (can’t find that poll, may you can)

I think your question about the pos and cons of moving on like this, is answered too.
There is no pro, there is no con for pwBPD, it is a necessity to survive.
A 4yr old that is abused will still ‘love’ their parents… out of survival… and will therefore suppress the pain, to switch emotions off.

Further all their pain and angriness accumulated during life will be part of the package the new attachment ( replacement) will get to cope with.
For pwBPD each painful memory becomes a reference and reminder that triggers their coping mechanism in order to survive.

The broken attachment is within themselves; not with you.
By leaving you first... .pwBPD are controlling the demolition.
Control trumps their fear.
Often a sense of control is all that is keeping them from losing it completely

I don't know because I never cared to ask or find out BUT I do know that he was on the hunt to get me before he filed for his divorce.   His poor ex wife, they were married for like 40 years. 

I did think it was odd at the time that he was moving so fast to replace her but he is older and told me his playing days are over... ., he has been unhappy for so long... .  blah blah.  After he officially filed, we started spending time together and of course I started to really dig him cause he was mirroring me! and I really like me. :)

All the signs that are super clear now... .

The problem with this question is that most people don't even realise that the BPD is in the process of replacing them, since the BPD is so adept at hiding her double life and pretending everything is fine at home.

I'd be willing to bet that for the many people who didn't find out that they were replaced until a week/month later, the BPD was already seeing or talking to their replacement behind their back for some time. They just didn't find out about it until later.

My ex-boyfriend did the same thing to me. After making every excuse not to spend time with me for a couple of weeks, he asked to meet me (making it sound as though he were concerned over my health - I was pretty unwell at the time), and his opening words were, "I have some news that will alarm you. S and I pulled an A and M." (S was his flatmate, A and M are two friends of ours who became a couple after sharing an apartment.) His response to my less-than-thrilled reaction was, "Well, this didn't go as well as I expected." To this day it hurts me that he didn't tell me he was growing interested in his flatmate until after they became a couple. He must have known it was heading that way. It made me feel so used, that he would keep me as a kind of safety-net like that.