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I've been posting for 3+ years in December I finally made an official move thru my lawyer to move on.  My uBPDbf kept avoiding, ignoring my need for being apart. We own a house together and I have a d10 (not his) and couldn't just up and move, plus I needed my down payment back. He kept delaying & delaying and with the help of my wonderful parents I was able to buy a different house. This I felt made the statement that I was done & needed my space. Although I have not been rude to my uBPDbf, I am not looking/wanting another man.

I just need time... .quiet time with me & my d10.  

I have been nice to him & done things together. He's known about my new house for about a month.  I've been nice because I do still care about him, I don't want to hurt him but I need to be out of our r/s now.

He's been going to counseling for 7 months and there has been some changes but I don't believe they're real.  Today he came home when I was packing things in my car to put in storage. I was trying to do it when he wasn't home so it wouldn't evoke abandonment & disregulation. No such luck!  He puts all the blame on me and how the past 7months he's changed. Again there has been some things but I don't trust him... .Also when he doesn't get his way he does say the mean nasty things to me or about me.  He believes I should "trust him" cuz he says so. His thoughts are "him saying he's not texting/contacting other women"  means he's changed... .yet he has not opened up his phone to me in 7 months, his excuse is "cause I wouldn't"  I don't think it should be a quid pro quo... .

Why do I feel bad when I know deep down me moving out is truly the best thing for me mentally, physically and the best to get my D10 out of all this drama?

Why do us nons try to figure them out when we can never understand their behavior?

Why do they lie about the stupidest things? (he lied about letting the dogs out to potty... .)

And if he tells me he's going by "the facts" I want to scream... .A line his counselor used and now he spins it back on me... .ARGH!

Hi there

Just to give you some perspective, I usedto lie to my ex about our dog. She insisted that he was taken to a certain part of the garden and spoken to a certain way before he would relieve himself. If I tried her way it could take 20 minutes! I tried as best I could but if she saw things were not done her way she would freak.

Also, early in our relationship, she read a work email on my BlackBerry one night to a female colleague and assumed it was me trying to chat her up. I had too much respect for my ex to do that. So I put a pin on my phone and never let her near it again. This was also because she hacked into my voicemail once, she has crossed these boundaries many times.

You know best about his actions - just wanted to say I consider myself a 'non' and have done some things similar to how you describe your ex.

To explain my situation a bit I truly believed/trusted him until I found texts from other women. His responses making him sound single. Getting girls pics & phone numbers etc.

And the little lie is just one of many... .

It's an attachment issue in its core, fear of abandonment and fear of closeness.

So whenever either of these is triggered the doomsday scenarions are invoked in them, and causing avoidance behaviour like flirting to unload the weight of the current attachments.

Just ask yourself this question FigureIt:

Do you feel he has spent even as much as 20% the effort in trying to figure you out then you did towards him?

 

No not at all.  Even his changes were really abou him.  I have stated to him if he really did love me, giving me space, move out and be apart because it's what I need right now.  He spins it by saying "he definitely was mean & nasty to me during 5 years but it wasn't as bad as I say and he's apologized & has changed in the past 7 months.  Although as soon as it connected with the boxes yesterday it went back to nasty, "I'm done", etc.  Which really is the best for me, but why is that part that wants to hold on?

Hey FigureIt, Presumably you feel bad because we Nons are in the habit of putting the needs of others ahead of our own.  You could say that we are overly empathetic.  Now I draw the line by asking myself if something is really my problem, or someone else's problem?  If the issue/problem belongs to someone else, I don't take on the burden anymore.  Instead, I do what is right for me, trusting that, at the end of the day, being authentic is best for all around me.

LuckyJim

My ex the skunk did this all the time. Her excuse was "I can't help it if guys like me."

I spent 10 years trying to reason all this out, and I've finally realized there is no reason to it. The only objective truth is that if I keep responding to her, trying to JADE myself, it continues the spin cycle.

I am kicking the skunk the way a junkie quits heroin -- cold turkey. Except she is the one suffering withdrawal symptoms while I'm on a new-found high of pure unadulterated freedom. It feels wonderful.

My respect to any NON who has made the commitment to stick with their BPD. It's too much for me, the skunk isn't worth it.

I think the holding on piece is natural.  You have a history with this person and a lot of time and energy invested.  Moving on is a big deal.  If you did not have these feelings the entirety of your actions would be suspect.

I don't know the partiuclars of your situation but from my own experience can say that it is a precarious position you are in.  You need to have the objectivity of an outsider with the subjectivity of being the individual you are.  It sounds encouraging that he has been working at it all and it seems like he wants credit for what he has done, while he seems to be simultaneously planning for a potential demise.

Starting the process of divorcing and moving out is like an avalanche; once it gets started, it gathers its own momentum.  I am wondering in reading your posts if you are totally comfortable with your decision?  This is the objective part; "I know it is best for me".  Yet the subjective part of you still seems to be wondering.  Have you spent the needed time to reach your gut-self?  If you have, than affirm that to yourself and if you haven't try to plan a way to figure it out as best as possible. 

We deal with excruciatingly painful decisions around our r/s'.  We have to be both our own parent and partner/parent, not easy.

JRB

I have spent the time to research my gut and I know what I am doing is the right thing. I know that I can't do this relationship any longer. I know that I car for my uBPDbf but that I don't love him now. I did love him and I constantly tried to show hm I did and both G was enough until I stopped.  His push/pull, His roller coaster of emotions, I lived with for 5 years and I just wanted a little bit back. 

I have seen some changes but, I don't trust that the changes are permanent & truly real.  He really is and probably cuz he wasn't taught better all about himself.  It struck me a couple weekends ago when I did a 20+ mile bike ride for cancer. Ive had a couple family member pass away due to cancer & 2 who have beat it.  I've done this event for 6yrs. I left at 7:00am and when I got home he didn't ask me about the event or say one word about it.
 My d10 came home the next day in the evening from spending the weekend at her dads and one of the first things she asked me was "How was my ride?"  It just struck me at that moment about how a 10yr asked me about my activity that had nothing to do with her & the man that tells me "I'm the love of his life... ." Couldn't say a word about it to me.