BPDFamily.com

So, I had a ridiculous chat with my ex over the text this evening.

Basically, it all came down to this.

1. She needs time to repair herself and start anew because of the pain from the breakup. Note that she broke things off.

2. She's been wanting to break the relationship off apparently MANY times throughout. So, the times I thought she was addressing issues, she was supposedly trying to break up and accused me of forcing her in the relationship.

3. Better yet, she didn't really want to date me. She was just trying to be "nice". Guess what? She feels hurt and mad that I think this is deceit and I was lied to the entire relationship. Why? she claimed that she was serious about getting married. LOL What the heck? Kept playing the victim card saying I'm trying to make her feel bad and how she's damaged, that I was a bully, etc.

4. She's sorry about being intimate even though she didn't want to be with me.

5. She was never engaged before this. She lied about me being the third guy she was engaged to.

6. She knows that she needs to change and feels insulted that I make it sound like she's not trying. Quotes something about someone said that everyone already knows what they need to change. What a load of bull crap!

See the irony? Where the hell is this pain about the breakup that's coming from? Before this, I thought we could at least have an amicable end. Now, I hope her life turns out even worse than she self-prophesied. A person like this doesn't deserve  ANY happiness in life by screwing with everyone else's and expect them to feel okay about it by moving on whilst pretending to be hurt at the same time.

I don't care if they feel like this emotionally. It doesn't make it right since facts don't change. All I feel is extreme anger. SHE CAN BURN!

Hey Leonis.


It's really hard to be faced with their altered history. It seems to come so easy for them... .



What i have found out during these sorts of exchanges is that they have a quirky way of rationalizing what they feel or don't want to feel inside... .at this minute.

And cause their emotions are all conflicted and doublesided, their rationalisations never are really rational. They are part of their defense mechanism, they are thinking away their feelings.


It's the sort of reasoning where i feel a slight short circuit going on in my head... .It doesnt match.

It doesn't match with the 5 relatively good years we had together, and it doesn't match with my reality.

Yet, it's how they contain the world, their view about the past, their actions and especially their emotions.


What you read in those text is what they need to believe happened to protect themselves from their own chaos, not what really was.

Hi Leonis-


Yes, that's why this site is call bpdfamily.com.  Anger is a normal, healthy part of detachment and grieving the loss of the relationship, and while you're processing that, it's important to stay focused on the goal.  I'm sorry the relationship ended and she broke it off, that is very painful, and if the goal now is to detach from your emotional connection to her and remove her from your life, it's best to channel the anger somewhere that has nothing to do with her, and it will dissipate with time, much better than expressing that anger to her, which will probably make things worse yes?

Do you see a benefit in not communicating with her at all right now?

I'll be the first one to admit that I wasn't the perfect significant other. BPD or not, I could have done so much better with validating her more. Then again, what I did or didn't do probably wouldn't have affected the outcome. I have my issues. I tend to be argumentative in situations like this and I throw her words straight back at her when she contradicts herself when it comes to her narrative. That probably gets on anyone's nerves.

She's been telling me last night how she's most likely pregnant because she missed her period. That she doesn't want me to be involved at all and will probably put the child up for adoption. That how she's prepared to be shamed by her family, coworkers, housemates, etc., and how she might miscarry.

Adding insult to injury, she talked about how she broke down crying when someone called her a sweetheart because I didn't say enough validating words to her. How every time we communicate, she feels empty, depressed, and empty inside. How I only ever saw her as a mentally unstable project, etc.

It's so hard, isn't it? 

These relationships are so crazy-making, so hurtful. I felt like I kept putting my heart in a blender. Any effort to communicate with my now-ex ended with me feeling blamed, confused and absolutely invalidated.

I apologize for not knowing, but do you have reasons you need to stay in touch, such as with kids? Can you reduce your contact with her? I see this as pure self-preservation at this point. Contact with my ex is akin to asking him to hurt me. I know it will happen. Therefore its on me to keep myself safe. As it says to the right, "Attachment Leads to Suffering." That about sums it up, doesn't it? Even phone text communication can lead to suffering!

There's an old post around her about ding dongs written by someone called 2010. Maybe someone can find it. It's all about avoiding the contact that will hurt us.

Sending huge hugs and support! Can you do something to work off that anger? I am going to the gym myself right now. There are punching bags there... .

So combine those with the fact she left you, and there doesn't seem to be much there anymore yes?  And a trait of the disorder is "a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships", which you noticed, and along with that an unstable affect, meaning who she is to herself, her identity, changes.  So point is, if she's anything like my ex, she may or may not be pregnant, and that's a pretty common angle to take by someone who's trying to retain an emotional attachment, so it goes back to what's your goal?

Just to let it be.

She's so set on leaving, so I don't see why she needs to make up the whole pregnancy thing. But yes, I'll wait for the results and go from there.

I don't know if this will be any consolation at all, but (as others have intimated) she is not telling you true things about how she feels, she is telling lies mostly for her so she can not feel guilty about abandoning ship. Folks with this disorder cannot handle facing their flaws or owning responsibility for how they hurt others. To do so in their world would eviscerate their existence. So they create alternate versions of events and say things that aren't true so they can convince themselves their motivations are not so terrible. Remember, you're dealing with the emotional equivalent of a 7-8 year old.

I know it sucks bro, believe me. You're justified in feeling the way that you do at the moment. Just keep it as a reminder for the future in case Cruella tries to recycle you and invite you back into the flames of her misery.

Wow can I relate to this! Reading this whole thread has been very validating to me.

That said, I'm so sorry you're going through this. This is exactly the kind of sh!t my ex tried to pull with me. She created an entirely different world in order to convince herself of things. Last time I talked with her, she had turned everything so around saying she "never loved me" and that she did me a favor by abandoning me. Lol! It's funny now, because it's literally SO pathetic, and now I know about BPD. But when I was in it, I was so confused. She said literally the exact same things to me. Treating me like I was somehow pathetic and attached to HER, all because I was trying to hold her responsible for her actions. She literally flipped the ENTIRE script. My ex did the same thing--accusing me of forcing her to be in the relationship. That she so wanted out of it, but I was keeping her in it. It's so sick. It completely breaks you down, and makes you believe that you have been doing something so wrong just for trying to fight for yourself and what you deserve.

" Now, I hope her life turns out even worse than she self-prophesied. A person like this doesn't deserve  ANY happiness in life by screwing with everyone else's and expect them to feel okay about it by moving on whilst pretending to be hurt at the same time." I feel exactly like this about my ex. So I can totally relate to you. I do not think she deserves any happiness because she destroys other ppl's. And I don't think you're wrong for thinking that. It's just. Their disorder is no excuse to abuse ppl.

Keep listening to what other ppl have said on here. She's altering history, it's not true, and it's not how she really feels. Reading ppl's replies have really helped me with what I had gone through in this same way.

tu shay

I do go to the gym and play lots of video games myself. Thanks for the hugs!


I have mixed feelings about wishing her the worst. She's not a bad person, but she really didn't do either of us a favor by making things difficult. Of course, I have my share of the blame because I kept trying to work things with her.


I know. The stuff she said was technically correct. I know the Internet has memes about that, but it hurts nonetheless because the way they were framed. It's almost like watching how CNN and Fox have their own twists on the same story.

Wow, reading this makes me realize how I look at my exgf, I held out hope she would change and how I still try to forgive her for her disorder and hurtful actions. I don't like hating people or their behaviours but it's really difficult not to be hurt beyond sadness and anger and move into hatred.

I feel sick when I'm angry, I've seen so much that I try anything to remove myself from people and situations where people behave this way.

I guess it's my denial and willingness to forgive that contributed to my willingness to stay with my exgf.

She truly can do things that are so cold and cruel that any healthy person may feel compassion but they certainly would never be in a relationship with her.

Maybe that's where some of her pain originates? She's been so objectionable and hurt so many people she's been pushed away and left alone, abandoned to the point she is desperate enough to accept crumbs from others rather than enjoy a full meal and the contentment of true love based on a real relationship with someone she genuinely loves and loves her. She seems to just grab the first guy that gives her any sense of commitment regardless of looks, age, occupation or mutual interests.

In her own words, she finds me attractive but doesn't want to spend her life with me. However, she has no problem sleeping with me because of that attraction. We have the same occupation and are of similar age (27 and 25).

She alluded our relationship as her parents'. I can't help but wondering if she purposely recreated it in her mind because I know people with childhood trauma has the tendency to put themselves in situations where they could relive a certain experience.

I learned that I could have been a more validating SO. It's just not my nature to constantly praise someone. She and I are just not good fit. I actually feel insincere when I hand out compliments all the time.

Thank you for this succinct, insightful statement. It is helping to ground me during a discard right now.

Seriously who wants a woman:

1. Who is chronically ill with imagined illnesses
2. Who complains continuously
3. Who's an unrecoverd drug addict
4. Who refuses to care for her child
5. Who will not work
6. Who lies
7. Who manipulates
8. Who demands attention yet will not reciprocate
9. Who shoplifts
10. Who does not clean her home
11. Who hates her mother, father and siblings
12. Who insults and uses sarcasm to injure
13. Who expects others to pay for everything
14. Who has no goals
15. Who is so out of shape she can't play with her child
16. Who tells people she has cancer when it's just a lie
17. Who is hated by all her previous boy friends
18. Who was afraid to go out in public because she's burned so many people she's afraid of retaliation.
19. Who sleeps all day and leaves their child in bed for 18 hours at a time
20. Who gives their baby medication to knock them out because mommy is tired.
21. Who screams in a 18 month old babies face to shut the f up
22. Who leaves her child laying so long his head is deformed
23. Extremely negitive
24. Self pity
25. Hopeless
26. I could go on but I think you all get my point?

Looks like she blocked me on FB. Good.

She can go and live the martyr life she's always wanted.

Her loss Leonis

Funny how they see themselves, eh? It makes me wonder how many of the stories of her rotten no good ex's were actually true. Maybe they were just the collective rabble left in the wake of her destruction.

I know, I know for a fact what my exgf did to her ex husband. I am fortunate enough to hear the facts from people I know who know the truth.

What I didn't know was I wasn't any different and that my exgf would treat me just as horrible and disrespectful as she did her ex husband.

Ego says I'm special, I'm different, it couldn't happen to me.

They were probably truths with twists since my ex is not diagnosed and doesn't seem to have her life in shambles like some of the more extreme cases. However, her thought process and emotional turmoil made communicating ridiculously difficult.

I understand there were things I could do better, but that's just the nature of relationships. While she is right that I didn't meet her needs, it's actually very hurtful to completely dismiss how I showed her affection differently. This is where conflicts start. It's all or nothing. You either make all the right moves, or nothing you do matter to them.

Let's change the perspective Leonis, and ask yourself: what did she do to make you feel good and make the relationship adult, sane and harmonious?

Now you can see how this kind of people are so problematic and self-centered, that it is almost impossible to build something good with them.

Every time she got upset and told me about it, I thought it was her being adult and communicating. Unfortunately, she never told me the full picture and continued to carry a scoreboard with her. Most of my supposed faults came after the breakup. I shouldn't have written a rather mean letter telling her that there was something wrong with her. I probably shouldn't have let her family know about what I felt.

You are right about self-centeredness. In the end, it was all about how HER feelings were hurt and how I made HER feel like garbage. She would blurt out a bit about her own faults, etc., but ultimately, it's because she didn't feel validated (yes, exact word). She held onto the fact that I suggested her to go to counseling last August as making her feeling worthless and how I see her as a project.

Of course, she conveniently forgotten the fact that she had mentioned suicides at least two times before that August fallout.

In end, she doesn't care to consider why I thought things the way I did. Instead, it was much easier to pretend that I didn't cherish her.

Similar things happened here... .she complained that I wasn't paying her attention anymore, I wasn't listening to her (while, on the contrary, I was bargaining everything to get her back), etc... .that was a PILE of BS, pure and simple. :D

She also told me how my replacement was fantastic... .indeed, 15 months after, my replacement - apparently - left her, lol

They are sinking ships.

how are you feeling as a result of the block, Leonis? what spurred it, do you know?


it is pretty useful to see this in the self aware way that you are, not to monday morning quarterback, but to go on to have healthier relationships in the future. we can always do better in every area of our lives, but as you say, that doesnt mean the relationship was a good fit. mind you, validation is not praise - two pretty different things, its more about acknowledging the way a person feels, and communicating that youve heard them, which certainly doesnt have to include agreeing with them either. its a tool that will benefit you in all of your relationships of all kinds, in the future.

learn more here: Communication Skills - Validation   (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation)

Thanks for the link.

I don't think I'm good at relationships. I really don't know if I ever want to be involved in one again.

ive felt that way myself Leonis. truth is in a lot of ways i was, in a lot of ways i wasnt. the same is probably true for you too.

its pretty understandable to feel that way coming out of these relationships, i felt not only could i not trust others, i couldnt trust myself. personally i think relationships of all kinds have something to teach us, and we do a little better every time.

now is probably not the time. grieve your relationship. and some unsolicited advice, when youre ready: surround yourself with healthy, positive people. practice things like the communication tools on this site (on the Improving board). work on loving yourself and building self confidence. as a result youll attract healthier people, and vice versa, and youll be much more confident in future relationships. im sure you have a lot to bring to a relationship; thats all still there.

I second that Leonis, and to add, what if everything happens for a reason and it serves us?  What if graduating from borderline school was all part of the plan, to shift our focus and to teach us things it was time to learn?  The teacher appears when the student is ready, and teachers come in unique packaging sometimes.  Now that we've felt the pain of going into a situation that hurt, along with had a spotlight shined on the issues that need some attention, we can take all of that as the gift of the relationship, because the relationship of our dreams is on the horizon, and how can we use our newfound wisdom to grow so we can meet it there and show up as evolved versions of ourselves?  Our best days are ahead of us, one day at a time... .

Yep, I agree with this one. (And I say this for myself too.) When these ppl discard you, they make you feel like you're worthless and evil. It's horrific.

Every post you write Leonis has the same, "I know I wasn't the best... .I could have done better. I didn't validate enough." And I understand thinking that way, but I'd also invite you to look at if you feel that way from yourself, or your feel terrible about that because of your ex. What I mean is that your story is SO similar to mine. My ex said such similar things. And for literally a year after things I felt bad about myself. Any time I critiqued anything, I was so afraid to be "critical". I also felt horrible about myself for not "validating" enough. But the truth is, I didn't flatter and lie to my ex, and that is what she wanted. I'm actually an incredibly encouraging and validating person, but guess what? I can't just make up something out of thin air. And I wouldn't lie to make someone feel better. I was already walking on crazy egg-shells to make her feel better about herself. She didn't want "validation" she wanted me to lie to her and flatter her, and I refused. You gotta decide for yourself. Don't let her lies into your head.

A lot of it is also she not having enough confidence, or maybe even self-esteem, for herself. During this argument, she was talking about how it made her cry the other day that someone told her that she is a sweetheart because I've never said that and she feels unvalued.

I mean... .did I never compliment her? That was very hurtful on its own. She claims that I've only ever called her loyal. Let's forget "hardworking", "sexy", "beautiful", "smart", etc.

I've talked to my previously diagnosed HPD friend, she blamed me for treating my ex horribly. Funnily enough, my other friends just think it's tragic that my ex got super defensive when I repeated back her own words. It just goes to show these people not only have different thought processes, but also seem to live in another reality.

It's seriously the most frustrating thing to ever really go through. Because really in the end to "resolve" things these people expect you to lose another small part of yourself. They want you to back down from all your boundaries, flatter them to pieces, and basically deny your entire self to carry their self-esteem for them. It's really twisted. And when you're not their version of "perfect" that day, then they discard you like a piece of trash, and call themselves the victim.

I'd also remind myself that maybe you weren't calling her a "sweetheart" and that very well might be because you were exhausted with her. I ran over and over in my head how I hadn't done enough for my ex, that I hadn't validated her enough, etc. But who turns around and says, "You're the best!" When someone is literally draining the life out of you, and expecting you to carry them through every small thing, and THEN is trying to decimate your self-worth and identity. Yeah, let me get right around to pumping up YOUR ego for you.

I agree with you HoneyB33

If there wear an anti-relationship like antimatter these people would be it. They are the most complete opposite of healthy. You summed it up perfectly. We would have to die to make them satisfied so what's the point. We die and they end up alone? They are sabataging their own good. Destroying that which loves them.

Anyway I'm tired and these people are so strange, I can't say it hasn't been hell but it sure molded me into a better person.

Nothing will make them truly happy. They feel empty and broken to their core.

They will claim that X will make them happy. So you do X for them. Then Y becomes a new problem, and according to them it's always been a problem even though you've never heard them complain about it before. Then the cycle continues. It's so frustrating to deal with, you literally cannot win.

She texted me tonight saying that she took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I decided not to contest it until further notice.

I am not feeling another argument tonight.

Reminds me of sitting down to play an imaginary game with an angry manipulative child, they use their innocence and charm to convince you to give it a try even though in the back of your mind you have an awful feeling this isn't going to turn out well.
Even if you have to let them win it's ok because we've been taught that we should allow others to win once in a while, after all life isn't always fair and this child is so hurt and in need of some reward.
You begin to listen to the rules as the child tries to teach us to play and as the game progresses each time we make any headway they make a new rule that sets us back to the beginning. Then the same rule doesn't apply to them because they invented the game. We watch them win and they laugh and make fun of how stupid we are and how easy we were beaten and don't give us any credit for even playing to start with.
They don't acknowledge we simply allowed them to win because we are giving and kind and fair and felt sorry for them.
The only thing that matters is that they win and we let them over and over again. They never give us a chance and never even say thank you. They just don't care.

The only way to win is to chose to lose until you've finally lost everything.

I'm suppose to be sleeping, I've played child games many times and my exgf is a player, not very good one at that. My son is sleeping beside me, that's all that matters to me. He will grow up to be a good, honest child and a good man one day.

Wow, that's a big news Leonis (if true)... .keep us posted.

I don't trust anything she says until I see the ultrasounds myself. Even then, I will eventually demand a paternity test.