BPDFamily.com

Day 6 after leaving him.
Coming out of my FOG wondering how it all happened so fast.
Wondering if this had to happen this way for it to be over.
Just a few days ago, I was a married housewife pretending to be happy in a perfect marriage, in a perfect house, with the "perfect" husband, living the life that he always tells me everyone else wants.
Everyone else doesn't know the pain of living as an emotionally abused crutch.
The person you are supposed to grow old with and spend the rest of your life with knows he needs you.  The more he knows it, the worse he treats me.
The worse he treats me, the more I back off.
The more I back off, the more he points his finger of guilt at me.
The more he makes everything my fault, the more I resent him.
The more I resent him, the more he puts me down and try's to make me as insecure as he is.
I start drinking 6 months ago because it's getting really bad.
The more insecure he tries to make me feel, the more motivated I am to sexy myself up everyday to feel good about myself.
Then his mind is convinced that I am cheating because I have been taking care of myself.
He's convinced I am cheating and wont be made a fool of again (I am wife #2). He starts damage control.
Waited for his opportunity.
Found it.
His cousin left a Facebook comment (once again - last one like this one) in regards to my husband, "ur are very lucky. Try and hang on to him. you can't get any better"
I ask, aren't you going to say something?  That's mean!  And it's the 10th time she's left a comment insulting me like that.
He doesn't say anything. Sticks up for them. Fights with me.
Took my phone and left disgusting, nasty comments to his family members from my Facebook account from me in the middle of the night (I had been drinking that night-the last time I had ever and will ever drink). 
Had to vicimize himself, make me look like a really bad crazy person alcoholic that blacked out.
In the morning, I was confused.
My phone was in my hand vibrating with notifications.
I read what "I" had written.
I didn't drink that much!
It was 2 hours after I fell asleep!
My phone is in my hand?
The entire family rallies around him and he soaks it up. Poor him, horrible me.
Two days of hell. Watching the man who was supposed to be my "partner" try to demolish me publicly and privately all in the name of him not looking bad.
It's one thing to be treated badly and not only allow but excuse it.
Yet, it's quite another when you're also deprived of life's little pleasures.
No sex, no intamacy.
Last year, that part of us ended when I tried to spice things up and he called me a "f¥<king wh@re"
It all happened so fast. But now that I typed it up, I wonder why it took so long.

     


I would challenge you to come back and read your post, and to think about how you think about the situation.

So much of this is about him. 

He is in charge of where to point his finger of blame... .you have zero influence on that.  Likely best to not pay attention.

It's hard.  Their behavior is so outrageous... .it should be pointed at... .it is a problem.  That is also part of they dysfunction.  You spending your energy pointing at dysfunction is not going to help... .trust me... .


Eventually he will realize it's not working... .and perhaps try to blame you less and less.  That's his choice.

I'm going to give you some word tracks, they might help in a pinch.  But... .think about the mindset that is behind them.  Mindset is everything!  It helps your words flow and be authentic.

(Fictional talk... .but I'll bet money you have had talks like this)

let's assume you have just gotten back.

you:  "Hey... .let's take a walk down to the park and have some family time with the kids.  That would be good for them"

him:  "If you hadn't stolen them and been such a drunk, they would need to do that.  I bet you like going to the park with the man you have been with... "

you:  "I need to get back to going to the park.  I'll be leaving in 15 minutes.  If you could find the baseball mitts, that would be a huge help.  Johnny loves throwing the ball to you"

see how he "tossed out the bait" and you let it just lie there... . 

You can influence things for good.  You should try!

You can do this!

FF

I wish I found this forum years ago. Could have saved my marriage. Maybe.
I just want to take my life back.  I don't have the energy to give to him anymore. I'm still young enough to heal my head and heart to be well enough to enjoy a happy, healthy relationship. Why give him any more?

You are so close to "getting it".  It's not about giving him any more energy... .none... .zip... .zero.

What you need to understand is that a healthier decision is to send that energy to you... .and to your kids.

Use that energy to provide loving, kind, and firm structure (boundaries) where you and your kids can thrive emotionally. 

Leave the door open for your hubby to join you.  Respect his choice.  Respect your choice.  Give him space and time to make his choice.

You can obviously tell that I am a stayer at heart.  Yet I'm on the undecided board.  There are several things that will be coming up soon where I will be taking action and offering choices to my wife. 

I know for a fact that she is not going to like them and that it will be upsetting for a while.  My job is to provide a loving structure for her to work through this.  My desire, from the bottom of my heart, is that she stays.  But that is her choice to make.

Ultimately... .everyone on these boards are part of a love story.  Most of us have had those stories get really mixed up.

I'm also a very religious guy (conservative Baptist).  I do my best to follow and model the life that Jesus portrayed and called us to emulate. 

He is the model of teaching us how to love.  He didn't threaten or manipulate  He was clear about putting grace before truth, but both elements are present.  He gave grace... .and gave truth... .and then waited for an answer.

He respects the answer that he gets.  He doesn't try to force people to love him.

Each person in the relationship must have the freedom to stay or go.  It is from that position that we can truly love. 


FF