BPDFamily.com

My older sis is an uBPD.  She lived with my uBPD mom for six years before her recent death.  She hasn’t been financially independent for years and is getting worse now that she’s facing the need to be responsible for herself.  We are both equal Trustees, so we have to settle things together.  She has gone back and forth about whether or not she will stay in mom’s house or move away.  We co-own everything and she can’t afford to buy me out. 

When she’s in crisis (I call it Mr Hyde), she is completely out of control, hissing and clawing at the air.  She becomes nearly unrecognizable, physically.  Sometimes, her demeanor is downright animalistic. My mom, a psych nurse, had concerns and would ask me to remove all the knives from the house.  Most of the neighbors have called the police on her and have expressed fear of her.  She has attempted to hit an aunt. 

I am afraid of her.  I believe she could pluck my eyes out of my head without batting an eye.  She recently came at me, backing me against a wall, yelling obscenities over and over.  I just tiptoed out.  When she yells at me on the phone, I become flushed and my heart beats like crazy.  That fight-or-flight thing takes over.

I'M MAD AT MYSELF.  I am an independent woman, 52 years old.  I have supported myself successfully for 35 years.  I survived losing my husband.  I have successfully maintained enviable employment positions, in which I managed programs and supervised employees.  I take great vacations and have created a nice life for myself. I am usually assertive, far from a shrinking violet.  I AM BIGGER THAN HER. 

Why do I have these reactions?  Why am I like a whipped puppy with its tail between its legs?  Would I feel better (or overcome something) if I bash her in the mouth?  What will it take for me to get a handle on my fear?  I’m so mad at myself over this.

Fear is fear - it's not rational, so don't beat yourself up for feeling it.  I have not lived with or seen (voluntarily) my father since I was 19, (I am 39) and yet he can still instill a fight of flight response in me.  At one time he felt it was okay to stalk me at my previous job, and walked in with my boss as if he was interested in learning about our Center.  I froze, did not know what to do, felt trapped as they were between my office door and me, so I braved it out, coldly, not trusting myself to behave appropriately in front of my boss otherwise.  My boss realized something was wrong, and took my dad farther down the building on his tour, and I ran, literally ran, across the street to my now H's office, and he put me in a quiet room to recover.

I was ashamed at that reaction, because at his age now, it's not like he can pick me up and throw me by my hair anymore, but the fear of his disapproval was still strong. 

The reactions are there because the years have programmed them into you.  You are not a whipped puppy, you are reacting in a way that made sense when you were younger, but may not now.  And it takes time and re-training to learn new ways to react.

HEY EDGEWOOD  Welcome to the Coping & Healing Board  .  I'm so sorry that you are a co-trustee with your sister.  It sounds like it can be unsafe to be physically present with  her. 


Is you sister getting therapy and/or is she on any meds for her behavior issues?  I see that you indicate your mom was uBPD (and worked as a psych nurse). Did your mom ever get therapy or treatment for any type of mental illness?

It is likely that your mom's death brought on a FEAR OF ABANDONMENT (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=47237.0;ALL) issue for your sister. Click on the link to your left, to get to 6 pages of discussion on that issue. My uBPD sister certainly emerged with major BPD behavior right when our parent's health began to decline and we had to start working together and sharing in decisions. 

You might want to consult a Trust & Estate attorney.  One approach would be to take a court action to have your sister removed as co-trustee, due to mental incapacity.  You might have to use your personal money to do this, and then get repaid from the trust later. 

The BIFF RESPONSE  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=133835.0)is something that might be helpful.  BIFF stand for Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm. The acronym BIFF was coined by lawyer Bill Eddy to use with high conflict people.  I recently purchased one of his BIFF books.  You can find it on Amazon.  The link above, to an article on this website, will give you details of the technique.  The author of BIFF, also, wrote the book, "High Conflict People in Legal Disputes".  I have both books.  My sister lawyered up.  I tried to interact without one and finally decided I needed to get an attorney.  There are lawyers that will represent a pwBPD and pursue non's as if they are the crazy ones.

You might, also, think about getting a restraining order.

Unfortunately, I know a little about what you are going through.  I believe our parents think they are being "fair", when they make siblings "co-trustees". They have no idea of the mess that ensues. 

Your sister sounds a lot worse than mine, and I can understand how you feel unsafe and threatened.  One of my sister's behaviors was to SPLIT (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0) me and paint me black. Our father had a bad temper, but unlike our father, my sister would invade my physical space when she went into violent rages, and appeared as if she could easily hit me.  My dad never did this, and I never felt physically threatened with him, but I have with my sister.

I'm a co-trustee with my uBPD sister.  She is divorced and her children are all dysfunctional in various ways. When our parent's health began to fail, my sister and I had to work together as "co" everything with our now deceased parent's (Medical POA's, Financial POA's and then Co-Trustees on our parent's trusts).  She painted me black, as soon as we had to work together.  I couldn't figure it out. It was a time when sisters should support each other.  My sister is active in her church, and appears to be a perfect angel with her church friends, but to me, she became a devil.  She even mentioned that her primary care doctor told her to get some therapy, but in her eyes, "she didn't need therapy".  I was the one who went to therapy.  After a couple of weeks of therapy, my therapist suggested I read the book "Stop Walking on Egg Shells", I found the address to this website in the book, and well, here I am.

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If you aren't in therapy, you might consider it to help you work through this difficult process with your sister. Are you doing anything for yourself to help relieve the stress?  Maybe some mindfulness exercises, meditation, exercise, etc.?

A person gets the label of BPD, when a certain number of conditions add up.  I think most of us from disordered families have a trait or two ourselves.  I think that some of us may share some genetic brain wiring, when it comes to emotions.  We may not go into rages and do offensive things, but we can easily internalize our emotions and need a little help to manage them.

I'm in therapy right now.  A couple of weeks ago, I asked my therapist for some suggested reading material for the problem of "worrying".  She recommened a couple of books for me:  The "Worry Cure," by Robert Leahy and "The Happiness Trap", by Russ Harris.  You might find them helpful as well.

There is a lot of helpful information on this website, and I'll list a few that might be helpful for you to start with.  Don't get overwhelmed.  Take it a step at a time.  A lot of people find it helpful to come back to their thread and talk about or ask for help with various techniques.  For some things, you might want to start a new thread with a new title to zero in of a specific issue.

HERE ARE SOME TOPICS TO START EXPLORING:
ANGER MANAGEMENT (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=124720.0)

COMMUNICATIONS (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0;all) and VALIDATION (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation) can be helpful.

Here are additional hlinks to info. about Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG):
https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Here are links to threads about boundaries:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.