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Well, day 7 of NC. Had a series of vile, hurtful texts from him last night. Am sick and shaking and in such a mess I can't stand it. Blocked FB but left mobile at present as need pre warning if he intends to come around. Feel so ill. Yes it has proved that to detach was the best thing but oh my god the pain is suffocating. So so sick and exhausted. Struggling so much. How can anyone who was loved as much and who loved me be so evil. Not angry, just totally devastated. Want out of this.

Sadly,

Hang in there    I'm so sorry that you are hurting. Remember that the hateful stuff is coming out of his pain and doesn't say anything about you.

Breathe. Feel the sensations in your body; let the emotions move freely. I know it's hard. Try to separate the thoughts from the sensations, if you can, by observing them. For example, say to yourself, "Right now I'm having the thought that I'm unlovable" instead of "I am unlovable." See how the thoughts are not you and you can get some distance from them.

Keep writing and stay safe. Promise yourself you will NOT look at any texts for a period of time. We are here for you. 

heartandwhole  

Am trying, really trying. I sent one reply half way through but he just got worse. This is what I sent.
Is this cruelty making you feel better ******. Does hurting me badly deflect your own pain and anger. So be it.
I know I am hurting for my first loss, the love and happiness, not the sheer misery of what it became. I know I am hurting for his pain and sickness too but I can't seem to get a hold of myself.

Sadly, I just want you to know that I feel your devastation and I can relate to the vile, hurtful texts. I hope you’re not internalising them. I echo heartandwhole, they’re all about him, not you. Keep focused, keep going. You’re on your way out of this. Hugs  

I don't know what internalising means. Am in a ball on the floor. I don't know what to do.

You're going to be ok Sadly. Cry it all out. Don't read them and try not to take what he's said on board. They like to project and blame, make you feel like it's all your fault. It is not. Keep writing here. We're here 

Am so lost and scared. Pathetic. I don't know what to do with all this anguish

No, not pathetic at all. What you’re feeling is perfectly understandable. I truly can relate to the anguish and feelings of despair, but hold on they’ll pass. Feel them and know that they will pass. They will. Is there anyone you can call right now, friends, family?

No I am a loner. My brother is away at sea, my friends don't get it. Thank you. I can't seem to stop vomiting but there's nothing left inside of me. That's how I feel, that there's nothing inside of me.

Sadly, you're not alone, I may be a stranger and more than likely on the other side of the world, but I understand and I'm with you in spirit. I'm wrapping my arms around you right now and you're going to get through this. You really are and when you get through this you can decide the next step.

Thank you more than you can know.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this now, Sadly. I'm on the receiving end of exactly the same thing right now.  I just broke up with dBPDbf yesterday (after countless recycles) and the messages and calls have been essentially nonstop.  Some are heart wrenching and many are just chilling and scary.  He was verbally abusive, among other things, for almost the entire near 8 year relationship, so im not surprised, but they hurt like hell.  I've blocked him on my phone which should make him even more engaged, so I'm sure I'm in for quite a day. You have my sympathies on this, it's so unreasonable and so sad.  For me I think the messages with nothing but him crying and shouting incoherently are even worse than the ones with the very "colorful" and vile language.  Even though you and I are very far apart, we are going through the exact same thing, and we can do this and NOT let it affect our healing.  It sure hurts.

Easy. Recognize your ex for the damaged goods he is and walk away. Think of the bullsh*t he continues to put you through, all because you cared about him. It was all a fantasy even if there were grains of truth here and there.

Over the last few days I have realized I want nothing to do with anyone with even a hint of BPD or Cluster B traits. Life's too short and they're too lame. Next!

Hang in there, read the texts, use them as a reminder of the way he used you, delete them, and move on.

Which is good in a way, since now you can fill up yourself, and your life, with whatever you want.  Sometimes a good purging is the first step.

I don't know your whole story Sadly, but I do know that at the end of these relationships, when the wheels fall off entirely and borderlines go into full devaluation mode, computers and smartphones can become little pain machines, and if we focus on what's best for us exclusively, 100%, which will feel weird and uncomfortable if we've been trying to make a relationship work and have been focusing on someone else's needs, then best not to communicate with him at all right now.  I don't know if that's possible in your situation, but focusing on the goal of detachment, remove a partner from our life physically, emotionally and spiritually, he can't help you with that, in fact he can only hinder your progress.  Time to militantly be your own best friend, as hard as that is right now.  Take care of you!

Am not being rude, thank you all. Struggling just to be right now, will speak when I can.
Love from Sadly Xx

  Sadly,

I know you have had a lot of compassion and love for him. I know you have given your all. I have been where you are at, especially when you know they are damaged.

The mask has slipped off a few times from what you have written. Now you are dealing with the PD rage. Rage because you are not able to fill the hole in his heart or his life. You never will be able to. They are never truly happy or fulfilled. A black void is  in their lives, sad as it is. It was there before you came along, will be there later after you are gone. You did not cause it, can't cure it nor control it.

Only until they are willing to look within can they address or heal that. Many never make it to that point.

Know the words that are spilling out onto the text or raged at you, don't describe or relate to you. They are projections of hurt, rage, and bitterness to try and hurt you. It is working for the moment, but not much longer.

You are wise, you are loving, you are kind, and resourceful. You have found here, reached out, are learning, and surviving. Soon you will be thriving, healing and becoming whole. Keep to your goals, your core values and find a little joy and gratitude in the day. No matter how small, and then it will keep building from there.

Hugs and Blessings. Take care of you, and hope you get some rest, find some peace and enjoy some joy today.

So so much love and thanks to you all.   xx

I am amazed of how many NONs there are who have been affected by BPD. I am so amazed at all the other websites, all the many other message boards filled with people with all the same hurts.

If a r/s would end with another NON there would be hurts, but because of the additional "stuff" that comes with a BPD breakup, the hurts are magnified.

The posts added to the one you started are all from people texting from their personal love and compassion for you. Perfect strangers? Maybe not, these are your brothers and sisters who hurt right with you, who are crying right with you, and who are hoping and praying you make it through today. Just today for starters.

Sadly,

Have you been able to feel angry or mad about this situation? 

Bunny

I think you have a good point there about the difference in the hurt. I feel like it is magnified and I've thought about it alot.  Been able to identify some of the reasons.  Maybe someone else can point out others they see.  

1) I'm mad at myself for allowing the abuse and staying (a part of me was broken to tolerate this so I have to heal from that)
2) Others I feel want to "save" there partner but feel they failed. (have to heal from feeling like a failure).
3) During a breakup you want closure, communication is helpful but not with BPD because things get scrambled and intensified and bigger rather than finding resolution and a mutual common ground.  
4) Apologies, acknowledgement for each partners part in the relationship (this doesn't happen because it's all our fault).  
5) We desperately want to know that the person who loves/loved us doesn't really believe the horrible things about us that they say.  So we might subconsciously to end it when things are quiet and good.  Then it goes hay wire and the only way to make it stop is to get on good terms again.  So we get caught up with "fixing it"

Just my thoughts - add to them, I'm curious what others may have felt that maybe I forgot about.

Bunny

Hello
SSN I know, I feel the love and compassion here, indeed not strangers, these are kin of a very special kind. If any of us can be called lucky! then indeed we are by knowing this true genuine love and knowledge and support freely given. This is where we are witnessing the true goodness that can come from this terrible illness we all suffer from. It humbles me and gladdens what's left of my heart. Also note the ebb and flow, Tomorrow I may be stronger and someone who has given me love and help today may need me, it's beautiful time and motion in practice.

Bunny
I no longer feel anger, haven't done for months, since I discovered so much about BPD. How can anyone be angry about a mental sickness any more than a physical one? Nor am I angry anymore with myself for allowing it to happen to me, I've had my own demons to fight. I may call myself pathetic but it's about my lack of control seeing myself writhing in agony because the pain is so great, but angry, no. Even my lingering anger at his father a tortuous loud mouthed bully has dissipated, who knows what he suffered as a child. What I have discovered though as the anger left was a much deeper well of grief and sadness, this is what I struggle with. I need to sleep now if I can but please everyone know I value all so much and my gratitude is endless.

Love from Sadly xx

Ok, good just wanted to make sure you felt it at some point. 

I feel like I was less angry once I found out about the mental illness but I was still angry about the things that were done to me.  I was angry less and less after I realized he could no longer hurt me.  When you say "how can anyone be angry about a mental sickness... .I visualize a mentally ill person continually stabbing at me or someone I love. Oh yes, there will still be anger.  So I can't directly relate to that.  It doesn't excuse them from their behavior. 

I'm trying to think about what your saying but how can you not feel anger about the texts you are getting?  Instead of retreating and being so sad, why don't you want to yell "stay away from me."  Is there a part of you that still wants to save him or rescue him?  or wants to wait for the monster to go away so the soft man you loved can hold you one more time?  Do you feel like you somehow deserve it? I'm just trying to understand what it is that is hurting you so deeply to maybe help you move forward out of the pain.

Bunny

Hi Bunny
It's hard to explain. I did feel anger, it kept me alive (literally) and helped me leave the first time. I studied and read and posted and listened about BPD to help me and eventually hopefully him. I soon realised that I would never be able to help him, he will never be able to admit he has a problem, it's far too ingrained. I didn't make the anger go away, it just went. I know you say he is still responsible for his actions but if you could see him in action so's to speak then you would see he genuinely believes he is right. That I am a liar, weird, messed up, he really does feel sorry for me when he's not shouting. This is real mental illness at its best (worst). There have been times as in normal relationships he has known he has been out of order and apologised but this illness is his core. I am not making excuses for him and I can't heal him, no one can. I cannot be angry just very very sorry for him. No, it wasn't anger I felt when the texts came, devastated hurt sick but not angry. If I shouted at him leave me alone or whatever it would be like shouting at a child, I have seen the bewilderment in his eyes before the anger when I used to shout. My sadness is grief because I love deeply the Jekyll and cannot mend the Hyde. Nor am I still hoping or trying to. It's a death, a loss and its crippling me but with everyone here I am trusting.I will heal. Don't think I am doing a very good job of explaining, sorry. 

Hi Sadly,

Thank you I do kind of get where your coming from now.  I do understand why screaming at him wouldn't work.  That's why no contact is easier... .atleast at first because you can't make any head way by communicating... .it seems to make things more confusing.

I just want you to be ok.  To mourn your loss (it is like a death).  That man you loved is gone... .he is now this mixed being of high's and low's.  I know what you mean when you say he believed what he was saying.  I saw that in my ex and it scared me too.  Gosh so ugly, I'm glad I'm out of that and don't have to deal with it on a day to day basis anymore. 

I think I still have bouts of anger because I do work with my ex and he starts to mess with me but they are small motivating spurts of anger.  I remember to stay calm and re-direct my thoughts so that I don't buy into his bs.  I stay calm so others will not buy into his beliefs.

Take care of yourself and I hope to see posts soon of you turning the corner.  I can't wait till you are feeling better.

xoxo
Bunny

Thanks Bunny, just ... .Thanks   xx

I also dealt with sickening texts this evening... .and I've come to realize that he must be in a horribly dark place to treat someone like that. All the blaming, name calling, degrading that he is putting on to me is proof that life out there on his own must not be so great... .not my problem anymore. He just confirmed for me why I ended it (for real this time). Sadly... .let his ugly texts be confirmation for you that you did the right thing by getting out. Love should not hurt--not like that. 

Exactly Woodstock, may your healing go well.   xx