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So far, I'm in NC and learning to stand on my own 2 feet again.

Here and there, I get angry and then I miss her.

I'd like to get out of this funk and "move on".

How is everyone else moving on?

A couple of weeks ago I accepted the fact that our former interaction was a construct of her making and somehow it helped me get past the feelings of being used, confused and abused. Her taped confession of cheating on me helped hugely, at least now I know I wasn't crazy. Those two things made me feel alive again, hopeful for the future, and determined to never, ever let anything like this happen to me again. These events convinced me in no uncertain terms it's totally cool to let her and all our so-called dreams go like so much sand. It was all fake anyway, why should I care now? She got what she wanted and didn't want: abandoned.

I am in escrow for a nice little cabin I'm buying here in the local mountains. I might get a dog once I'm in there, probably a cat though (easier). Considering going to AA meetings, I have been drinking consistently over the 10 years I was with the skunk (evening drinking, functional alcoholic). I am reading the New Testament for the first time ever and I am still skeptical about organized religion, but I might try going to one of the local churches here and see who I meet. Maybe I'll find God, if not a girlfriend (at least a year away before I even wanna consider dating, this is all about me now -- Marsha! Marsha! Marsha!).

When I send this post I'm going to drive down to the local lake and take a walk around it, it's a gorgeous summer afternoon.

Once I learn a lesson and make sense of an unnatural situation, I am very quick to make the decision and put plans in action. I know without doubt it's over and I will likely never see her again, which, frankly, sounds like my idea of heaven.


Glad you are moving on, too. We all need to move on.

NewTring, your experience of sometimes being angry or missing her is completely normal! It's been 8+ months that I've had virtually no contact with my ex, and I still struggle sometimes. But overall, the tough days have gotten less frequent and easier to bounce back from. I've just been trying to take care of my needs and be patient with myself :)

Powell, I wish I had your cabin! And a dog. I don't understand cats at all.

This is very good insight.

In my instance, my ex lied about everything. Lied about the cheating. Lied about being sorry for what she did. Lied about loving me.

Why on earth should I get hung up and stay in love with somebody who obviously (despite what she said) never really loved me back?


Praying a lot over the course of the "relationship" helped a lot for me. My experience with my ex really helped me get closer to God. I encourage you to pray as much as you can. Finding out why that person was put in your life can truly help with your healing.

Getting angry actually helps, just make sure it leads to indifference and not bitterness.

Staying NC makes things easier. If she reaches out, don't take the bait and instead ignore it.

Always remember your love, attention and affection are precious resources. Best to save them for the people in your life who actually care about you and want to be a part of it.

Get back into being who you feel you really are.
Do something that has results that you can see.
For example, if you're a painter, do some painting.
It helps reset our own patterns so they're more beneficial.
Each step taken in this direction is another not going backward.
That said, there's no rush to 'moving on'. Facing it's more important.

Hi NewTring,

It's understandable to want to get out of the funk quickly. We all want that, because it feels so terrible. I'd encourage you to spend some time feeling those feelings, though. You can't bypass them by "doing," even though taking action is an important part of recovery.

What stage do you think you are at on the detachment steps in the sidebar, NewTring? ---->

heartandwhole

been thinking about her everyday and today just feel like crying. I wish I can just wipe her from my memory.

Hi NewTring

Heart and Whole said it well, it takes a fair amount of time to move on.  At least for me, I had to get over the world of hurt and confusion, learn about BPD, familiarize myself with the paradigm, fit that into my situation and then integrate a holistic understanding of how it all ended.  1 year later, I am still integrating... .
For me, I toggle between all these steps and little by slow I am able to release.

My opinion is to take a small piece at a time.  Right now you are dealing with sadness.  Difficult, sorry that you are there.  Try to stay with the feeling of loss as best you can.  These are deeply moving relationships that really alter the way we see the world, your sadness is part of that experience and over time will get lighter as your understanding grows.  In time, you may even be glad that you have moved on . . . but that is further down the road.

What are you doing to cope with your feelings?  Do you have friends or family to share it with?

JRB

I see a therapist but his schedule is tight.  So I'm also going to group therapy for depression.  I do have friends and family but they just tell me to move on which doesn't help much. So I'm relying on this board for support.  I've been thru breakups before but never quite this emotional.  I'm stuck between anger and depression.

I just owned every feeling I had.  I gave myself time to go through and truely feel each emotion.  Felt it hard and leaned on my support system for reassurance that I wasn't who he said I was.  We all seem to have different reasons for holding on and each of us has to find out what that hook is.  That seems to be the hardest part... .then the next hard part is trying to unhook it.

After a few months of going through the feelings, I thought alot about not letting this experience break me.  I was determined to not let it make me bitter or ruin even one more minute of my life.  I remember my mom being so angry about what my ex did to me and how unfair it that this was happening to me.  Her main fear was that I would be bitter, give up on love.  I told her "oh no mom, you don't have to worry about that.  My heart is bigger and strong and I have so much more love to give now.  I'm not going to let him take that from me... .don't you worry, I will love again." She started crying.  Her fear was that this broke me and she hated him for it.  I realized the best thing I could do for everyone around me, including myself was to build myself back up as quickly as possible.  So I focused on that.  

Each of us has our own motivator, it's just hard to find it sometimes.  Keep working at it.  Once you find the thing that causes the deepest fear in you, confront it and do something to change it. :)

What is your deepest fear right now?


Bunny

Clearly I'm not.

I'm not either

   not the same as the real thing tho is it x