BPDFamily.com

Some of you may know, I had been posting some drama from today. Anyway, it continued until a few hours ago and was painful for me. Know this is a long read, just wanted to post it from the emails verbatim, for reference and serve as a reminder that she never "truly" loved me.

Her: I am thinking about moving out of [boyfriend's] place. I still care about him a lot, and he is strangely, deeply in love with me, but I think I want to be alone. He loves me too much, I think, and I'm going to hurt him, most likely. I don't want to. I never wanted to hurt you either. I don't know that anyone has ever loved me as much as he does, and I don't know what to do with it all. I don't know how to return it, and honestly, I think I'm a pretty sh!tty person and undeserving of all these feelings being thrust at me. I'm still figuring out where I went wrong with you, and how we got to this place, and this relationship is fogging up my thoughts. I'm no good to anyone until I fix all the ways I went wrong with you, you know? I just want to focus on [my exSS7].
But the point is that I don't want to hurt anyone else, and am considering becoming an emotional hermit. So, you don't need to worry about me attempting to befriend you. I don't want to have any emotional attachments, but I did want to be able to share my love of [my exSS7] with you. But if it's a problem, then I won't.

Me: That's sort of a slap in my face... .guess you didn't realize how much I loved you.  But whatever,  you're a few months into your relationship and I'm sure it's super pure. Do whatever works for you.
Where you went wrong with me? You never thought of me as your permanent partner.  You didn't love me fully and were on the lookout for replacements.  It is what it is,  I don't blame you for not being in true love with me.  We had a lot of problems,  but if the love and security with each other aren't always there,  it's surely going to fail. 
I love [exSS7] immensely,  but I don't think there's a future where you stayed consistent and didn't take away my visitation rights when you go through your lows.  But I'm strongly considering moving in a few months,  if my boss lets me. I would love to either fly with [exSS7] out or visit him here a few times a year.  I'd love to stay in text/phone contact with him too. Still trying to figure that out.  Staying around here hurts too much and I'm stagnating career wise anyway.

Her: I did think of you as my permanent partner. I never actually imagined that I would ever care about anyone else at all. We had a lot of problems, and I feel like most of them were my fault. I keep thinking if I had been more independent, more responsible, cleaner, a better mother, that I would have felt less like a burden, and felt less resentment for you, and loved you better. I was a wreck when we met, so it was never going to work. And honestly, I don't think you loved me very much. I think you had a lot of self-loathing and being with me was punishment for you that you thought you deserved.
If you want to do some kind of court-ordered visitation, I'm open to that too. I never took your visitation away. I told you that if I can't contact you, then you can't see him. I'm happy to hear that you might move, because I really want to leave [our city] (my current position is traveling within 7 states, so it doesn't matter where I live.) but I was going to put that off until your contract ends and you inevitably move to [other city] and pretend [exSS7] and I never existed.

Her (again, after a few minutes): This is the truth. I met you mere hours after [her friend] died. I was torn apart for months after that. Even years later I was still waking up in cold sweats thinking about him. When I met you, I didn't have the capacity to love, because I was completely heartbroken. I kept expecting love to come, because you were loving and loveable, but the love I felt for you was weaker somehow, and I didn't care about much at all. And I thought, "This is it, this is the most I can love now. I'm broken." I didn't think that I could feel more than I felt, but you loved me, so I wanted to honor that and commit myself to you, because I loved you as much as my broken heart could.
I shouldn't have been with anyone at all, and I'm sorry I hurt you, and I'm sorry [exSS7] was involved. You were the only person that I felt anything for after [friend] died, and I had tried dating, I tried staying with [exbf]. I didn't even care about him. You were the only person I even came close to caring about, until this year. I'm sorry about everything, but I honestly loved you as much as I possibly could. I didn't ever think I'd be capable of more, not with anyone but you. I was never more sorry to be wrong about myself.