BPDFamily.com

Hi Everyone

I have not posted here in a long time though I have been browsing posts here and there regularly. A recent posting/thread had prompted me to wonder about something that I would like to hear some opinions about. (the topic itself ends up being of significant interest and curiosity!).

My ex cut and run. We were together for 2 trouble free/argument free years (she was a quiet/waif type BPD as far as I could tell). We became engaged and 3 weeks after she sold her furniture and moved in, and 1 week after we ordered our wedding rings, she notified me via text that our relationship was over while I was out of town for work - from out of nowhere - and moved out prior to my return. She blocked me from every conceivable way to contact her and I had never spoken to or communicated to her in any way; even text or email. That was almost two years ago and I have not heard a word from her (although I am convinced that she stalks me electronically)

Most BPD's have a replacement lined up before the relationship is over and although she is a very attractive woman that would have no problem finding someone to date, she does not have one to this point at all.  A replacement  for a BPD is usually a romantic variety but it need not necessarily be according to what I have come to understand: in her case my 'replacement' may have been her post adolescent son who recently went into the military and is, effectively now, gone from her life for an extended period. But still, no replacement at all. Looking back on her relationships, she did seem to wait long periods after one to initiate another but it doesn't seem to be consistent with the the assumption that she is a pwBPD (or does it?).

Anyone else have this experience or have an opinion on this? Thanks in advance... .

Contrary to popular belief they aren't all the same.

And while they do tend to repeat there own behaviours they don't always.

Mine has been single for the 10 months since we broke up though undoubtedly would have had flings etc in that time.

But yeah I thought for sure I'd be replaced or there already was one but doesn't seem to have been the case

Borderlines need to attach to someone to feel whole, to complete themselves, and to soothe emotions they can't soothe themselves.  My ex got her 'attachment' needs met partially by her children, a big reason she had 6 of them, and it was painful as they sequentially matured and left, hard for any mother, extra hard for her.  She also got a sense of 'attachment' through religion, attached to her god, which was a good thing really, beats the hell out of being attached to a Budweiser or the like.  But point is it worked, and throw in a somewhat continuous stream of impulsive trysts that didn't last long, some as short as 15 minutes, and she'd cobbled together an attachment network that somewhat worked for her; my guess is she'd given up on "real" relationships, she'd been left too many times and it was too triggering for her.  And what did I do?  Left her.

Anyway, point is, an 'attachment' is something or -one that helps a borderline feel whole and soothe emotions, doesn't necessarily have to be a replacement.  And interesting term that, we were all replacements for someone else I suppose.

As I see it, your "replacement" doesn't have to be a romantic partner.  Some people with BPD (pwBPD) attach to their children as mentioned by Fromheeltoheal.  Some pwBPD attach to a close friend like family or actual family.  Some pwBPD might find a collection of all of the above and just rotate/recycle.

But the enmeshment, push-pull, unstable interpersonal dynamic is all the same.

P.S. I imagine it could also be her therapist.

Hi JRT, my ex sought replacements pretty quickly, but also used his children to attach to. He never allowed me to bond with them and I hardly ever met them. He told me they didn’t like me which hurt, but how could they he never let me see them. He used the girls (16, 18, 23 years) as a way to push me away and would say things like  ‘my children are my life’, ’I won’t allow anyone to take the place of my children’, ‘you’ll never be as important as my kids’.  It was pointless me pointing out that I had a different relationship with him. He was having trouble adjusting to their age as well and would get very upset that they were more and more independent.

This. I'm pretty certain that's how my ex rolls. New "friends", roommates, and more moments with her family. She's the type of woman who can take a year or two from relationship to relationship based on her history.

She could be attached to "hermithood" at this point as well,  no? 

My BPD mother turned out to be a lifelong hermit with no romantic attachments,  though she certainly gained validation  (self worth) by "rescuing" various waifish people (including yours truly from foster care).

Though very pretty and young when I found her,  my ex was in hermit mode.  Maybe that's where your ex is right now. 

I never thought of that. My ex was in hermit when we met. She rented out a single room from an old couple by herself.

Funny that you should mention "rescuing" because my ex actually told me at one point that she always wanted to be a spinster. Even though she wants a child, she would work, save up, and adopt a kid when it's time.

Now... .she's pregnant with, apparently, my child. Hmm, the plot thickens.

Hi all,

As Infern0 says we're talking about a spectrum which encompasses a pretty wide range of characteristics.

My ex focussed on attaching to my replacement as soon as soon as we split. She'd already had an affair with him, which stopped for a while after I discovered it. He was married, but she targeted him again right after and shortly before we broke up. At that point he was still married and living with his family

I think she found that transitional period very frightening. I saw her shortly after we split - she moved into a hotel - and she told me that she thought she was going to die - abandonment. She found being on her own utterly terrifying.

A year later I got text from her trying to re-engage - at that point my replacement was still with his wife.  I didn't respond. Eventually my replacement left his family and as far as I know they've been together since.

I think age is a factor. It's harder finding new partners when you get older even if comparatively healthy. When there's a disorder like BPD the dysfunction and its consequences become more apparent. A succession of failed relationships take their toll. Becoming a hermit can a way of avoiding the trauma of another failed attachment.

Reforming

My ex was single when I met him, and I know who his last girlfriend is - they were definitely separated, and I don't have any reason to think there was an 'overlap'.

To date, having left and then come back to me several times (although the last time not as my 'boyfriend' all I am aware of him having replaced with me so far is a very close female friend. (Yes, a friend.) She now takes up all the time that I used to spend with him, and is his latest confidante and companion. For that reason, I don't suppose he needs me anymore, because she has filled that space in his life when it used to be me he spent all his days off with, went on day trips with etc. It's the perfect set up for someone who is shying away from commitment too - he gets all of the benefits of a relationship (well, nearly all, obviously not the romantic love) without any of the emotional responsibility.


It hasn't stopped him approaching me for a reconciliation though, more than once... .before disappearing on me/giving me the ST again. It is very, very hard to watch and stand by - a bit like watching your best friend go off with someone else in the playground when we were kids.

In fact, the last time I reconnected with him, just a few weeks ago, after a 6 months separation and ghosting, he was at pains to tell me that he hadn't had anyone since me (and I certainly haven't). He reiterated this on 2 separate nights out, whilst drunk, and also whilst still being very hostile towards me as he was very angry about something. If he'd wanted to hurt me, the fastest way he could have done this would have been to tell me that I'd been replaced/he'd slept with other women. He instead told me the opposite, to the point that he was adamant we should stay at his place, not mine. When we got there, all of my things from almost 7 months before were still in situ around his flat. Not what I expected. Even then, drunk, he said to me something along the lines of 'see, now you can see I haven't lain with anyone else'. This liaison was unplanned so this was not set up.

Well, no, you may not have lain with anyone else, but you've replaced me in every other sense with your friend!

My ex is also very attractive, by the way, and would have no problem at all securing a casual fling or whatever. I just don't think he's interested in that.

So, to sum up, 'they' are not all the same. Patterns may be similar, but the details very different.

In fact... .I know he's no interested in a casual liaison because whilst ranting at me about my supposed crimes (long story) and swinging from that to telling me how happy I'd made him (but that the problem is in his brain), he also suddenly said that he'd 'taken a break' from sex whilst we'd been apart, because he "doesn't want to have sex with this girl or that girl, but with someone lovely I've got feelings for."

And then he started kissing me, of course.

I feel sorry for him sometimes, he is so clearly very much in turmoil.

My question would be, how do you know that? After the legal struggle, you're supposed to be completely cut out of her life. Third-party gossip should be always treated with a grain of salt. My ex have had a series of sort liaisons while we took a 5 months long break back in 2014. None of them appeared on her social media. As other have said, borderlines can have many relationships at the same time because they are fragmented personalities. These relationships can be lush and exotic or they can be cerebral and chaste. Many retreat into the hermit state to avoid pain.

Thanks Turkish... .(and everyone else for their perspectives)... .given all that I know about her, I sense that this is probably the closest to reality as far as she is concerned. She has a tendency of 'sitting it out' for long periods between romantic relationships and I think that it is related to the pain and frustration associated with failure (as others have supported here). Like most BPD's, she goes in with good intentions but i ends up otherwise.

She told me very early in our relationship in what would be a foretelling of the outcome, 'I suck at relationships'. I wonder if now she has decided to retract from the dating life and sit it out indefinitely. She only has one or two friends and is not really close to either of them and she has a contorted relationship with her family. Would would think that her job would predominate or  some hobby or some other preoccupation, but there are none of those - not even sex and drugs! Its almost a default that 'Hermithood' is my replacement; another 'cat lady' is born!

Oh please no cat ladies... .though my mom turned out to be something similar around 30 when she adopted me.  In old age,  she turned into chihuahua lady,  though she's left with one,  a teacup dog with a pea sized brain which has an unnatural attachment to its owner and hates everyone else. 

Hahaha, Turkish.
Dog sounds like it's got some form of PD too :D

Hahahaha... .I think that chihuahua's are just like that... .my mom has had a succession of them. They love their owners to death (my dad is merely tolerated) and they hate (I mean viciously) EVERYONE else. I wonder what kind of PD THAT is?   :-)

I hope we're not reaching the point if diagnosing every carbon based life form. That sort of tomfoolery is likely itself a of. There's just no end to it if we start down that road. 

 My head is starting to feel a bit spinny, like in undergraduate philosophy classes ... .

Damn you, autocorrect.

"I'm trying to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am." -Anon

HA!