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I took a week away from uB/NPDW and with our D7, went to stay with my sister.

All good, no problems with the arrangements.

Bang! Right between the eyes.

My sister is registering nicely on the B/NPD spectrum, and I had never really focused on that before. None of her habits was new, they have always been present – I had always chosen just to stuff it all away, she is my big sister after all.

Getting home I was able to talk about all this to my W. “Oh! That’s not new, says W., “she (my S.) has always been like that. (The two have met briefly on occasions and have a big language barrier, but that obviously did not prevent my W. from picking up all the signals, which she explained in great detail to me. Fascinating insight.)

However, going on to suggest that my W. and S. share certain traits provoked all sorts of denial and clear “errors” in my way of seeing things…….surprising eh?

In are recent trip to the dentist the receptionist (female) and my W. had an instant, unprovoked and real jabby verbal exchange, and they’d never met before. I missed all the triggers, and just had to smile. WOW!

In the book “What makes Narcissists tick” by Kathy Krajko she puts forward the idea that pwNPD  develop and perfect an ability to read people (to protect themselves and further their self centred goals).

Seems to have some truth to it. My W read my S (and not vice versa), but I am not sure who read whom at the dentist. Don’t think I need to point out how I got read!

Another thing that has come out of some recent reading on co-dependence by Pia Mellody and others, is that the traits of codependence and the traits of BPD would seem to be all very similar and very closely linked.

Just my thoughts and observations.

I think you are doing solid work on the "observation phase" of becoming more aware.

As you found out, trying to link what you and "they" both agree on to "their" traits and actions is a sure pathway to failure... .and likely a blowup.

If they make connections and want to make changes... that is all good.  If you suggest it... .there will be resistant.

For now... .focus on being a good listener.  Don't agree to much.  It's more about understanding... .than agreeing or disagreeing. 

As you get more comfortable... .perhaps ask a question... .such as... ":)o you see any similarities to your situation?"

Be ready for her to pounce... .be ready to stay non-chalant and deflect... (deflecting and denying are different)

If she suggests you are being accusatory or something whacky... .you can say "I'm confused by your statements... .you usually have such great insight into others... .I merely intended to see if you had any insights you wished to share... ." 

The value here is that you are the only person that gets to "explain" your motivations.  Explain it once if she flips out... that is her choice.  You choice is to stay non-chalant and not argue or "pickup the bait".

FF

Actually I noticed the same. My therapist gave me the book codependent no more and one of the first things I noticed is how similar my GF behavior is with those listed in the book. The things I noticed that were different is the black and white thinking causing a severe overreaction and anger over something almost insignificant. Also reacting badly to imagined things. Other than that it sounded very similar.

One of the big problems in my marriage is that my uBPDh cannot read me. He always assumes that I am thinking, feeling, experiencing something negative and cannot revise his assumptions in light of my expression of my experience. He also assumes that his experiences are 'normal' and like everyone else's. Eventually, people catch on to the oddities in his personality and start asking questions.

He can only read people if they follow a textbook or are experiencing expected emotions -- or ones that he experiences. Outside of that, he has a really tough time because of his lack of empathy.

My husband will admit that he is codependent. There is significant overlap with codependency with BPD being more extreme and pervasive.