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I haven't posted in a long time.  I find myself trolling thru these boards lately so I am posting. I have been out of my BPD relationship for almost 2 years. I have been thru therapy, gotten my life back, and I really like and love the person I have become. I started dating and met a great guy. We have been dating for about six months. It is a good solid relationship without all the ups and downs like a BPD one. Some may even call it boring. The last few days I find myself thinking about the past and my BPD a lot. I wonder if they are happy, if they think of me, if they miss me. Is this normal. I know my exBPD is engaged to my replacement. But I can't help but wonder. Is it common for your mind to go back there after all this time?  I do at times miss my exBPD. I don't miss  the abuse or drama but I miss the person they were when we first met. I wonder if they have changed and are now "normal" and maybe it was me who was the problem. I am not sure where the doubts come from but every now and then they sneak up.

Hi Willtimeheal,


When I got to where you are, I received mixed reactions when I shared these thoughts with friends and my therapist.  Some of my friends thought it was unhealthy that I was still thinking about an ex of many years ago (even though I had other ex's at the time whom I did not reminisce over).  My therapist also thought it was a bad thing considering I was at that time engaged to be married to someone else.

That said, no one, not even the therapist (couples counselor), was familiar with my history/angst with my uBPDexgf.  I think it was normal for me, and is normal for you in the sense that when a BPD relationship ends, there is often a major disconnect, sometimes almost an abandonment occurs.  Not only did the relationship end on bad terms, but you cannot even agree on what happened during the relationship.  In my case, I felt like I was the only one who even grieved over the end of the relationship.

And I think it is normal, that as you become closer to your new significant other, when your attachment starts to approach how you felt when you were attached to your BPD loved one, part of you will wonder what will happen this time?  Will it happen the same way?  And hopefully you will be pleasantly surprised that your new relationship is nothing like your BPD relationship, at least in all the ways that made your BPD relationship unstable and untenable.


I think like any major griefwork, the loss needs to honored over time.  We don't just bury our loved ones and we're done.  We visit the graves from time to time.  I know your exBPD is still alive but in a way the person he was when you first met is lost, and sadly in a way, he never was.  Which makes the grief an oddity because your loved one is not physically dead but neither can you find a mutual acceptance that the relationship's end was a good thing; the grief is not the same as with death nor is it the same as with a non-BPD relationship's end -- but something in between.


I don't think you should doubt your experience of what happened.  :)isorders do not just spontaneously disappear, even though this personal did disappear from your life.  I think what part of you is trying to reconcile is the huge discrepancy between who you thought he was, and who he ended up being at the end.  And the glue which holds these two dissonant pictures together is "borderline personality disorder"; if you can accept that he had this disorder, then eventually (I promise) you will lay to rest the ambivalence you feel towards him and still have some left over compassion for the person who suffers from this disorder as well as for yourself.

Best wishes,

Schwing

It's normal to wonder if that's normal, but that may not be the most empowering question yes?  If you were to ask, with a playful curiosity, what's this about?  What can I learn from this?  What lessons are still there for me?  your brain may just come up with stuff you hadn't considered before, which may prove enriching, and could add value to your current relationship and your life in general.


I dunno, I think about all of my exes once in a while, and sometimes I'll remember something they said to me years earlier that didn't mean much at the time, but years later it clicked what they were talking about, value long after the fact, by women who were far ahead of me at the time, and I didn't know it.  But there's a difference between our 'mind going back there' and ruminating, even obsessing, about an ex.  I would consider that unresolved business, time to see what my mind is trying to tell me, time to get busy.


And if your ex was a borderline, he became exactly who you needed him to be, the ideal mate, in order to attach, and it worked.  And does that person exist?


You can be sure he changed, like a chameleon, to assimilate into his current relationship and environment, something someone without a self of their own has to do, although you mean did the BPD traits go away?  And wondering if you were the problem, your brain will generate 100 reasons why you were, how about instead going "hmmm, what do these doubts have to teach me now?" with the playful state again?  Asking 'how can I use this?'  What if everything happens for a reason and it serves us?

Hi Willtimeheal,

That is a good question.  I guess my thoughts on that are it depends on what you miss.  What I noticed in dating the last 10 years is that I would think of qualities an ex had that I missed if my current partner didn't have that quality.  It wasn't until I met my current boyfriend that my mind doesn't wonder back to any ex.  He is like the best part of each of them.  :)

Some posts are bringing up the point of the "unhealthy" part... .I guess only you know whether the parts you are missing are realistic or fantasy (the BPD mirroring and fairy tale stuff).

wishing you the best,
Bunny