BPDFamily.com

 Mods if in wrong section please move. Not sure where I should put... .

I am still so hurt over this silent treatment from someone I loved. It has been over 2 months, and I have tried to reach out in numerous ways. I am not perfect so tried to explain my hurt, or misunderstanding, apologize for my part in.

Sorry for so long. Any thoughts would be appreciated. If you read all bless you... .   

I wrote this in another post: Kipling Williams, a Professor of Psychology at Purdue University who has studied ostracism for twenty years, explains, ‘Excluding and ignoring people, such as giving them the cold shoulder or silent treatment, are used to punish or manipulate, and people may not realise the emotional or physical harm that is being done.’

The ability to detect ostracism is hardwired in us – it doesn’t matter if you’re being ignored by a group or a person you can’t stand, the pain still registers.

So that helps me understand why silent treatment is wrong, hurtful and hurting me so much. I tried to explain last time we can't ignore or do silent too hurtful.

Some BPD's use it as a defense, many NPD use it full well knowing it will hurt and to be cruel. It is very sad to me.

I understand the need for NC, why many have to do it. That is different then silent treatment. NC is when two adults agree to time apart, to solve things, think things through, heal or worse when one doesn't respect. Not this deadly silent treatment.

I have been having chest pains and hurting over this. I don't blame this person at all, I am just saying this is what it is coupled with dealing with my sbxUBPD.

My mind keeps going back to how much we cared and do care about each other and I want to value that. I don't want to paint black, hurt or dismiss someone over something that we could both forgive. Or I could forgive and move forward. Ask for forgiveness for any of my part in their hurt.

That to me is what life is about. Loving and being true in friendships and relationships. We are all human and no one is perfect, least of all me.

There was a broken trust, but was willing to forgive, if I misunderstood, if they wanted a different relationship or friendship then what I could give.

We had a strong foundation, caring, respect and many things in common. We had 8 years of the same interests, hobbies, and intellectual interests. There was so much good I don't want to throw away that. I have tried to no avail, to at least be the friend I always said I was. Be true to our friendship. Accept responsibility as none of us are perfect.

We really had no big or real fights. When did they were misunderstandings that could be resolved and were. Should have been within days. I am a forgiver. But each time there was silent treatments, ignoring, or saying I was angry. Yes I was hurt, angry at times but always reached out in kindness, compassion and respect.

 But one silent was for between 6 months and year. We went right back to where we were as we did have so much love, respect and on the same page. It justs seems such a waste of time, heart or energy to let time go by without talking out.

To me healthy hurt, anger or misunderstandings are a part of life and relationships. Talking it out, can make you both stronger as you grow, and a stronger bond or relationship.

I am not talking the unhealthy BPD or NP that rage, insult or do things like cheat then march on as if nothing is wrong.

I am just a loss what to do. As I have reached out, tried and apologized even though I didn't do it. In fairness they apologized at first but still snarked and insulted at my kind attempts, or was rude about my feelings. I could only go based off what I saw, anyone would think the same.

I am so hurt, the pain is deep. I know I need to let them go if that is what they want, can't lose my dignity in reaching out anymore to silent treatment. I have no problem respecting if they needed time ( never said that).

We have some lose ends if I can't count on their help or information I will lose a lot of what I built up for business. Still can't get into many things. I can accept that if need be. Just wouldn't do that to someone so beside myself.

The friendship is worth more then money, a business or material things so can let that go no matter how bad my children and I need that. In fact suffering as I haven't even told the person how much I am suffering physically or my business is due to not getting some info. I don't ever want to do the guilt trip I only want contact, if we both value each other, our future and friendship not for any other reason... .

I am just so lost. Know I have to heal and go forward, no the silent treatment is wrong. After 8 years of good there is no reason for this.

I do know this person doesn't feel they need to work at things. Work in relationships is not fun. I am puzzled they never had to pay for anything for me, know I was taking abuse from ex, and trying to go forward, trying not to bother anyone while I dealt with abuse, rages, 2 homes, children, work. I tried to be up 100% of the time, but truly was not possible all the time. I tried to not bring any of my problems to my friends, but this one we did both talk of our family situations.

They commented once online I was great 85-90% of the time. A few times I got too emotional... .ummm look at all I was handling in my life.

To me the abuse I am dealing with sbx or what is going on doesn't define me. I will go on, heal, the houses will be dealt with then I can get back to who I am. I can't help the drama I am having in my life. I can control how I react to it, which I am trying hard to do, be there for all, my kids, be grateful, be positive, and be loving.

My friend is so gifted, wonderful, kind, smart, and loving. But does come from a family of hurt and doesn't know how to deal with emotions or anger. Even said relationships should always be fun no work. To me they do take work as we are human.

Thoughts anyone

I'm going through similar treatment right now. It hurts me also. It's another form of BPD abuse. I am writing my dxBPDso off, if this continues. I will make an effort to keep in touch with the kids. As for my dealings with my BPD, they will be simply a matter of greasing-the-wheels, so I can visit the kids.

Ernest Hemmingway said 'If you want to see if somebody is trustworthy, trust them.' (Paraphrased) I'm going to give them a small chance to redeem themselves within a given period of time. And afterwards, if they don't make an effort, I am deeming them not-worth-it.

It hurts, yes. I am old enough now, and have been through enough relationship junk, that I am used to this sort of loss. You ride the pain out, treat yourself well, and in time, you are over it and the wiser for it. Hang in there, do things you love. You will get over the hill!

Hello Circle,

Ty so much for the advice. Love the Hemmingway quote, gives me pause to think.

Yes, agreed I was thinking that today. I have reached out and did all I can at this point, the friendship needs a two way interaction. They will need to reach out.

Has it gotten any easier lately for you?

Well, like you say, so much centers around the pain. Every once in a while, I am able to see the ridiculous humor in it; that it's such bad behavior, and they can be such selfish scoundrels. I recently switched taking an anti-depressant, which I was able to get from my family doctor, from bed-time to wake-time. One effect of this, I seem to be noticing, is that I wake up much more sensitive to emotion, inner-pain and hurt. Once the a.d. kicks in, I feel a bit better and less triggered. That's a short term observation; I'll have to wait and see what happens in the long term.

I went through the same phenomenon in an earlier relationship. It was very brutal for me. Which is why I think it's such a trigger now. Though, now, it's nowhere near as bad as before. I tried so hard to stay friends with that person, in the earlier relationship. I followed the curve to it's end, started counseling throughout the process, and made it to the other side/end of the situation. Looking back on it, I realize so profoundly how little this person was worth my efforts. That I had built them up, in my mind to be something they simply were not. Now, I see that they were farther from being a complete person than I was/am.

Silent treatment = silent rage.  If you have boundaries against being yelled at (loud rage), you should also have boundaries against being given the silent treatment.  I treated them one and the same.  I would go for a walk, take a drive or go do something while being raged at, letting my pwBPD know that she could rage all she wanted, but that I wasn't going to be in the room with her when she did.

Thanks HopefulDad,


These are the things I need to remind myself of. Yes I know the person was very angry with my bringing up the situation. I asked was lied to, then we wrote back and forth kind of resolved, then back to my fault for a few things I pointed out. I did it kindly, but with a boundary in place. Now silent treatment, to no matter how hard I have tried to see their side, apologize, over look I guess the lie and boundary.

Tell how much I loved, cared, respected and thanked for everything. Showed compassion and all the good. I said I didn't want to throw things away in friendship for a misunderstanding, or a mistake or even something that should be able to be forgiven on my part. If I needed forgiven asked for that as well to go forward in friendship and kindness. To nothing for 2 months.

I do know they say they walk away from people and never look back. Or say to train the dog it worked to keep it isolated when it did wrong, then knew not to and would rather be out, given attention and a cookie. Sounds good for training a dog, practical and the dog was well trained... .lol I will give that.

I do love the person, their kindness and respect, but they were raised by two NPD and have a sister probably BPD, doesn't make them the same. They try to learn, rise above, very good but the whole family uses people, treats them bad, and manipulates to their will. My friend doesn't but does put up with all their weirdness then takes out on me for small. They all never make up, apologize but do talk next day. Here I have bent over backwards never did the things the family does and I get silent treatment.

I do have to wonder am I getting the dog training treatment as a caring human friend?  The anger and perceived slight makes me have to have a silent treatment? It is all sad, and don't know what to make of it.

I am trying to remember all this so I don't keep reaching out, lose my dignity, as it is now high time for them to reach out I would think. If still angry I can accept that, then tell me you need time.

I always wondered though when we had situations and I got the silent how it would be in future for business, life etc.  I never assume and always ask, etc but do have to wonder. Sorry just thoughts I am thinking out loud.

Input is helping me. Ty so much.

TY Circle to you as well. You are really helping me. Though I am sorry you have had to go through that. I hope as you heal you can start to rest, sleep and enjoy life a little better.  

You're welcome Lilyroze. Hang in there as well!

HopefulDad, how do you recommend reinforcing boundaries toward the 'silent treatment'?

The same way you enforce boundaries when being yelled at.  Something like... .

"[validate the emotion behind the rage].  I want to talk to you about this because it's important we talk through issues despite how difficult that may seem.  The key word there is 'talk'.  Yelling at Silently avoiding each other isn't constructive and actually creates a tension that I can't handle.  I'm going for a walk.  I'll be back at 8pm.  Hopefully we can talk about it then or at least be in a place where we're not yelling at silently avoiding each other and can agree to talk about it another time."

Lather, rinse, repeat as necessary.  If extinction bursts amplify the situation, amplify your boundary enforcement appropriately (e.g. longer time away, stay overnight at a friend's house).

I found this old BPD-family thread by googling it. It's on boundaries & the silent treatment:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=166364.0

HopefulDad,

If I am being stonewalled and silent treatment after doing all that. What would you do, just ignore as I have been now? It only stopped after 6 months or more last time I reached out.

Thanks for the advice, HopefulDad. I think, I'll just let them have their space for a while. The tricky thing with this situation, is them learning manipulation. People with BPD use whatever tools they find work. So, if they figure out that being silent is affecting you, they will keep utilizing it (from my experience and reading). I am going to try getting to the point where I don't care. Speaking for myself, I'm pretty o.d.'d on my dxBPDso anyhow.

Do *not* ignore it.  You are being raged at.  If he was yelling at your for 6 straight months, I suspect you would not just ignore it.

You set a boundary against being given the silent treatment.  Your boundary is tested with more silent treatment.  This is the extinction burst, seeing if your boundary actually is a real boundary or not.  Ignoring it sends the message that no boundary exists.  You must enforce it.  You *must* step up your boundary enforcement, just as you would towards any other abuse.

"... .I'm going for a walk... ."
"... .I'm going out with so-and-so.  I'll be back around midnight... ."
"... .I'm going to stay at so and so's house tonight... ."
"... .I'm going to stay at so and so's house for the week... ."
"... .I'm leaving you... ."

That last one is the nuclear option, but if you think about it, it will be the last option of *every* boundary enforcement escalation.  The bottom line is that you have to set and enforce boundaries in all relationships and the ultimate cost of not respecting the boundaries is the end of the relationship.

Regarding the bolded, the act of setting and enforcing boundaries is indeed an admission that something affects you.  That's not a bad thing, though.  The enforcement of boundaries actually prevent them from exploiting that.

Get that HopefulDad but friends lives in another state so giving Silent treatment and  ignoring all communication of calls, emails etc.

I did stop trying to email, call about 1 month ago, last from them was 2 months ago.

My "checklist" of boundary enforcement escalation is an example, not a hard-and-fast rule to follow, so if that template doesn't fit your situation, by all means make adjustments to it (e.g. motel instead of a friend's place).

The bottom line is that you are suffering emotional abuse via silent treatment and need some way to enforce boundaries to protect yourself.  How you do so is up to you, but usually physically removing yourself from the abuse is the best way.

How many times have you reached out?  How did that happen?  Text... call... us mail... .etc etc

I have some ideas... .but want to be clear on what has happened up until now.

FF

  FF,

I wrote a couple times, being the person would not pick up the phone, etc.

 I am more of a talk it out person, be kind, even if anger or upset. To me things can always be worked through.

If someone is upset( or me emotional as boundary and lie was hard to deal with all I am going through with sbx) then say I need time. Call back later etc. Didn't happen.

So we wrote a few times, got things got. Seemed though no matter how kind or appreciative I was for everything else, person only saw as put downs. I did thank, was appreciative and kind.I did also make sure to  stick to the hurtful parts to me as well. Mainly as it was a lie, boundary issue and wanted them to know and address so we could deal with it. Talk it out, address my hurt for once.

I also in email and phone messages expressed my love, appreciation and sorrow for misunderstanding, and any hurt I caused by bringing it up. I did write honesty was important to me as we were going to do a business together.

Don't get me wrong friendship was loving and great but whenever hurt was done, a boundary crossed in a hurtful way, I always laughed, forgave etc.

With my healing with my ex boundaries, my being respected with love integrity back have become important to me.

My friend is not responsible for my happiness or my divorce with ex, and never tried to make them. But at same time I did put up with some boundary and hurtful things with them. Could they be easily resolved and forgiven? Absolutely  as I am not perfect either.


Now back to silent treatment, like the one that lasted 6 months prior and a few others that only stopped when I continued to reach out. Once over we talk, laugh get back to where we are but well issues never talked about again or I am hanged up on etc. The problems or things hurtfully done to me, are always categorized as I was mad, and they didn't do anything.

I guess that is why I chose this time to stick to some of the hurtful things, in my notes. If someone wrote those to me, I would have picked up phone apologized, sent an apology letter, made it right. Truly made right. Not just angry note back then silent treatment.

Person was also mad I went to my Pastor about soon to be divorce for help and Pastor said my friends silent treatment is abuse. I mentioned in letter could we just be friends, forgive, love and move forward I didn't want silent treatment. I didn't go to talk about them ( and told them that) went in for support for my kids and self. I am a very private person, never want to bring drama or bother anyone. I told Pastor one of my main supports was gone and giving silent that was why I was there.

So last contact from them 2 months, from myself email and phone message 1 month to no response.

Sorry hope this answers what you were looking for. Appreciate any insight or help. I am truly hurting over this and now going to Cardiologist of all things... .

By the way am thankful for what I have read, and all helping me to remember and deal with the fact silent treatment is abuse. I need to deal with this in my healing and face it. I need to remember each time I want to forgive when happens. Have no problem forgiving, forgetting and moving forward. Do want the person to see what they are doing, so doesn't keep happening. If even chance for that now, as well silent again... .LOL sigh

OK... .talk to me about business relationship.  Is it a partnership?

Please don't do anything yet... .but my idea is to reach out, via mail and ask for help with business.  Perhaps ask for written response if anything is owed. 


You can make clear that your desire is to communicate, but if no response is forthcoming that you will be sad, but will respect the other party's wishes.  At that you remain open to communication in the future.

Goal:  Put ball in their court... .don't debate things.  State your desire and feelings (succinctly), be clear you value the r/s (but don't go overboard)... .and that above all else.  You will respect the other persons desires.

That's very general.  Anyway... .tell me about what you need to get into and can't.  How much $$ is this stuff worth. 

FF

Thanks FF,

Great advice as usual.

With chance of contracts I have and business evaluation we are talking up to 100,000 I could lose if I don't get into all I need to.

 To be fair person is good person, much more technical then me, but doesn't put value on these things. Did send me some things can't get into them, and well, would need some time with them to get all this. Willing to even pay for their time.

Didn't do the guilt as that is not me and let them know what I stand to lose, or my health. They are adults they should be kind enough to extend a hand, take my apology when I wasn't the one to do it.

I am so hurt now today really analyzing this. Yet the person will go on to be kind to the family using them ( again get that and is fine and well but I went above and beyond for  8 years and never used). Will uplift and research all day long for strangers on the net ( again good we all do, but not to the extent of hurting those we love or care about). While giving me silent treatment for months... .it is BS now that I am thinking about it... .hurt angry and well just torn up to realize they will talk next day to family who blanks them over, and uses. Sit and nit pick me to strangers or help strangers while I gave 8 years ( while giving me silent or telling me they were doing other things). Sorry for rant or repeat just facing all this what a shamble of a mess...

 I am not perfect, but tried to always be humble, kind, thankful, build them up, do for them, send gifts, appreciations and tried to never bring drama. Forgave easy, brought laughter daily and would always reach out first apologize if I was wrong or not... .

Do have to say though all that aside. Had a really rough day, when someone made me confront the betrayal and boundary as well as lie today.

 I know the person is a dear friend, I did and do love, was willing to forgive. But have had to realize do they really comprehend the loyalty and trust I had with them? I am not a BPD but did value them, trust, uplifted, helped with their family situations ( as well as they mine), but was honest and true for 8 years, had them on a pedestal as a dear friend for years ( not the unreal or idolizing devaluing of BPD but true) Truly valued, and made them believe in themselves again, get past their family or bad relationship in past etc. . TO THIS again... .

I am in tears now, really facing the truth. I guess I can fool myself and if they talk to me again, stuff in all down in my heart, forgive as I always do. Use my standby I am a Christian, or live from my heart we are all not perfect and forgive forget, be humble, no ego. To what? Betrayal? It is finally hitting me today! I am broken hearted to realize unless they really make the effort this time, really see the damage they did. I am just well... .I have been a fool

Just in tears and angry and that is not me. I usually am the optimist, kind and just live let live. No judgment, but reality etc.

   


Take today to feel what you are feeling.  Please be deliberate about being kind to yourself today. 

Take an extra walk... .do something just for you that you have been putting off. 

I'll come back later with some ideas.  Perhaps might even wait till tomorrow.

Sometimes we nons rush past feelings to get to fixing.  I urge you to feel and experience your feelings.

Remember those feelings when it is time to talk about your boundaries... .and your value to you !

FF

Thank you FF, I am doing just that right now. Trying to process everything. So much more hurt then I have really wanted to recognize.

 In the process of my self healing & transformation, I am trying to have self compassion and love now, as well as for my friend. I will find the joy and gratitude in the day, go forward and honor those that love being in my life. I did get a beautiful card from someone today and that brought so much joy I will concentrate on that.

You are right I need to work through this pain and not bury it or dismiss it like I usually did in past. My heart and love matters, I don't need to subject myself to certain things.

 
I'm not saying don't think about your friend at all... .but make sure it is very minimal. 

Your friend has made a choice about how to behave.  The most loving thing you can do is respect it.


FF

Yes exactly! Thank you that is what I was thinking over night. Will have compassion, but is up to them. They have the choice how to treat me, the real key is I have the choice now what to accept. Will I just put all that aside again when they make no effort to contact or see my hurt. True test for me.

I do love and care, will have compassion, will forgive and hope to move forward. Now I realize I can't fix it, make them love me, want to care. I can accept that, with grace. Tears but grace for now

I like you want to be whole, help, fix and try. I will now await them to see where they are in their journey and see if they can now be the one to make amends. My door will be open, but not for silent treatment anymore. That will eventually close sooner then later.

Thanks FF.

Thanks to all who helped me face, process this, and realize it is abuse. No two words about it. Now up to me. I have taken from a few in my life. Will I stop the abuse and self abuse by thinking I need to take what others wouldn't to make a friendship thrive?

(https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-ic1bAPF3Mbg/V48k_hCOkCI/AAAAAAAAbU0/dKYXvdUzanIKCcWRQoORlXIzWimkR5TIw/s506/16%2B-%2B1)

Hang in there Lilyroze,
Hope you are doing okay. I'm going to be away from internet for a while. So, I won't be able to reply. Just want you to know that I understand how rough what you are going through is. And, that I'm thinking about you.

Thank you so much Circle. That means so much to me, you have no idea. I really appreciate the other post you gave me, your support and caring. I appreciate. I hope all is OK with you while you are away. Keep in touch.

   

Hello Lilyroze,

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through the things that you are. But you seem to have some great insight & education into this Very Serious Behavioral & Cluster B Mental Illness. You've received some great advice and guidance from the group here too as well as giving them some insight at the same time.

As you have probably learned already, part of the Cluster B Mental Illness of BPD, is that the pwBPD acts out & at times has the behavior of a 3 year old toddler. This happens for the most part due in part of environmental & biological. A person with BPD will be stunted at the toddler behavior level. They have never learned or were incapable of learning how to deal with different types of feeling. They rage like a 3 yr old when they don't get their way. They tend to pout when you try to correct or give them insight of their behavior which in turns leads to severe & intense feelings of guilt, anger, etc. What does a parent do when their 3 year old acts out in a negative manner? They put them in a timeout in the corner & tell them to think about the "bad thing" they did & until the parent tells them they can come out of the time out corner. This is a form of punishment from the parent to the child to correct a bad behavior.

I would point out your first post and what you wrote, "Excluding and ignoring people, such as giving them the cold shoulder or silent treatment, are used to punish or manipulate, and people may not realize the emotional or physical harm that is being done."  Now as you point out, it is a way to punish or manipulate YOU because in the BPD eyes you were bad or behaved badly. You might not have done one thing wrong, but in the BPD eyes you did and frankly as we've all come to learn that is all that is needed.

SO your BPD has put you in a time out until they believe you've learned your lesson and they the BPD aka "Parent" has told you it's ok to talk again. Mine exBPDgf did it to me quite a bit and until I learned this I took it personal. Its a learned behavior for them, it's the only thing they know in their world of behavior and there is nothing I, you or others can do to change or "modify" their behavior for the most part.

Yes there stories out there that say they've had "success" with some behavioral modification. It depends on your definition of "success", but there is no cure that I've either read about, heard about from the mental health field. There is only behavioral acceptance and modifying of the NON behavior to not trigger or attempt to defuse the situation. Validation skills, I use this constantly on my step mother in order to have any conversation with her.

There is nothing you can say or do that will speed up the process. Much like the parent who has put the child in time out to think about their behavior.  Until you are released from your time out I would heed the guidance of those in the group to Take Care Of Yourself.  Start eating right, exercising, getting enough sleep and finding a good therapist who is very well acquainted with BPD & Codependent r/s to help you sort through your thoughts & feelings. Most will testify that this key for you to move forward.  

Let go your BPD for now and live your life and like other have said, they will reach out to you when you least expect it & begin to reengage you, to paint you white. When that happens the work you've done on yourself will better prepare you to handle the situation with your new found skills and strengths on your communication, validation BPD skills.

Take a deep breath Lilyroze, things are going to get better. This group, this forum is proof of that. There are a lot of those of us who have been where you are and experienced what you have and we're stronger, better for it. WE've read, learned and educated ourselves not only about BPD, but more importantly about ourselves and why we became a codependent in the first place.  We found the tools to help ourselves and to be examples and mentors to others who have come to a crossroads in their life.

We'll be here to hold out a  hand to help you up on your journey when you stumble ... .and trust me you will stumble. WE all have, but someone here in the group held out a hand, pulled us up then it was up to us to choose the next path to walk on our journey.

Peace

J

  All

Dear Circle,

Thank you. See when you reached out the other day to tell me you would be off, I cried ( hard to admit but must face). When you reached out again tonight to send other poster this way I cried. Why? Because you knew and seem to know, I would feel hurt if posted and  you weren't here. Not because anyone owes me, or is responsible this thread is helping me so much and triggering my pain and hurt. Hurt over the silent treatment that my Best friend is giving, has given before, and what my Mom has done. I need and am healing this. So thank you so much my friend. Hugs and love to you. I am sorry you are going through as well.

Dear Hopeful Dad,

Thank you for reaching out, your posts really helped me face it. I need to hear it from others the abuse to help me face it. I need to see it, and face it for what it is.

Dear FF,

As usual   great advice.

Dear JQ,

You really touched my heart and will write more to you tomorrow need to process all you have said, really need to face this. Crying again, it is just beyond me to hurt someone this way though understand.

My friend walks away from people and has, not sure they will reach out. I always did, which doesn't bother me who reaches out, we went back to ourselves. But well don't want to impose, nor take abuse, nor be in a friendship they can't seem to make an effort for now. All aside I did reach out many times to pure rejection. Need to think more through.

Any more thoughts all I appreciate as I need to really keep facing this. As Circle seems to intuitively know if it drops off, I won't heal, I will cry and stuff it down as I always had to for my Mom and friend.

More tomorrow.     to all of you truly. tears are from my heart breaking. Hear it cracking?

Love under some of these circumstances = Walking willingly into a war zone wielding only a feather and waving a paper armor shield , blowing kisses and sending love. Sigh

Spin it around some.  Do you hear and feel it cracking? 

That is your heart.  Your heart is worth protecting.

Proverbs 4:23 is critical for a r/s with BPDish type people.  Very useful in life as well, but when dealing with people with arrested emotional development (go back to JQs post) you need to realize that they are usually incapable of the empathy needed to carry their part of the r/s.

FF

Lilyroze,

I would suggest starting a new thread to edit a letter to send to your friend.  Business type letter.

Couple big themes.

1.  I need your help and I'm willing to work out monetary arrangement.

2.  You value persona and work r/s (and introducing idea that those can be separate)

3.  Your desire is to resume r/s and you are ready to respect choices.

FF

Thank you FF, you are right am still processing JQ for some reason that reached my heart. I have friends spanning back many years, many walks of life, I do have some acquaintances and strangers over the years I have always prayed for, and been thankful for. I really never gave up on anyone. Did have abusive situation, and my mom and well do forgive, am healing and had to walk and put boundaries but well that is different.

I am not a victim, do take responsibility for my Mom and other situations to let someone do that to me. I do understand it was their problem and not mine, I couldn't be the scape goat anymore, no amount of love or pleasing would fix. I did learn to be a stronger person due to, thank for the lessons in life. Will give self compassion and love to myself through this current S treatment, and no longer give my power over to someone that apparently doesn't want to reach out at moment.

My life changed over night. It was brought to my attention that the person is "burning the bridge to our friendship" discarding, and replacing or have been replaced. Not sure but am trying to sort out. My friend embraced a BPD waif covert NPD whose is out to wreck her 8 th friendship and marriage, drives with her kids singing and taping daily, yes I am serious ( to blow kisses to men on an account) her husband has no idea some of the nuttiness, so really have so much to process now. Their friends, their live, their business I just don't need the drama, or the influence that had on our friendship. Don't think they even have faced how much damage this person does, ( seems cute, kind, good Mom things). Wish they knew what my other friends did or the BPD husband has had to deal with. She is pretending suicide again so her husband doesn't leave... .sigh

Many hidden accounts, life. I respect privacy, can give grace, just thought we were something different they could share their life, concern and friendship. No judgment, thought we had boundaries a trust and both were old fashioned in life and heart. If they chose to not share, do this, I can't change that. But to have rules or a game I didn't know I was playing is cruel. I thought we had a friendship that had no limits, so much love, trust, being there for each other, business a future built on business love and trust. A Christian friendship with heart, honor and harmony.

This is someone I valued, cared about, was loyal and true and meant so much to me. I am now facing all this with grace. Not sure what more to say right now have lots in my heart, my head, but have never felt something I am feeling right now. I am not crying, nothing... .just nothing now. Void. Never felt this in all my life,  am going into zen, going to my retreat. Planning my life which will be all very new soon, and could have used my friends support and input even financial input with business.

I wish them well with their live and new "friends" online and off. Again processing all this.

I will give the benefit, see if they reach out or well this story will have a new ending. My heart, my life and I am worth more. I deserve love, friendship, care, respect and integrity that I have given. I thought that is what we had so treated it as such, much hidden has now shown light.

Will the person care enough, or do like they do blame, walk, ( which they say they do and never look back, again I never did that to anyone)  replace and say I was crazy.  They did that in past for good reason to someone who used them, and have a family that is NPD and uses, but this is beyond the pale when I was there , honorable, true, and helped them uplifted in their darkest hours with family. Not that I am discrediting what they did for me, but I didn't break boundaries, change the rules.

I still reached out and forgave to be treated as a Priest friend said worse then a dog. Yes Priest friend of long time, said even a dog has it's bowl filled daily and doesn't have to beg for scraps. Telling ... .isn't it? Thank you Dear friends who have stood by me, with grace I appreciate all in my life. Some old true friends have flown in and been here, I am thankful.

“The only person that deserves a special place in your life is someone that never made you feel like you were an option in theirs.”

I always made this person a priority, whilst I guess I was an option perhaps? No drama or melodrama just thoughts I am thinking. Will give them a chance and see what happens. But alas must now build my foundation of a business, be there for those who love and care for me, not those who have replaced me.

Thanks for the heart to hearts all, the making me face this by not letting this post drift off so I could pretend this was not happening. I truly bless and thank you so much. I do care for you all as well. Keep your hearts protected, love, give grace, compassion, communication and Please all don't ever give the deadly silent treatment. No one deserves that it is abuse no two ways about it.

I know this goes without saying if you read any of mine, but no I am not perfect ( who is) and did make mistakes, could have handled things better at certain times in my life. But all in all tried to be the best I could be while dealing with some intense things with my sbxUBD. I tried to not bring to friendship to much, thank for any and all advice, implement and give grace. I don't blame the person if we had misunderstandings, or hurt, that is life. Just wanted to be adult enough to treasure, care, have compassion and put our friendship first and foremost to build the foundation, forgive and truly be there.

I am of the thought yes there is wonderful people out there but sometimes it is that one love, one relationship, one friendship that goes beyond  and is worth honoring, and respecting. Everyone is unique and you will never find that particular love or friendship again, as well each person is special. I guess maybe this person did not feel same way?

I accept that with grace, harmony and well they can play any games they want, have their own friends and lives. Just wanted to share and be there for each other.

Hey LR. I just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you. Your last two posts here were both beautiful and powerful. Seeing the transformation that is borne from confusion is magical in and of itself. I hope that you are seeing that within yourself.

The compassion and strength that you exhibit is awe-inspiring.

Yes, perhaps that person did not feel the same way. I can only assume that you are experiencing some level of frustration and pain as a result. Here's what you've shown me though, that person is the one missing out.

I realize that isn't really much of a consolation at the moment, but I suspect that you're starting to realize that.

Based on what you've shown and helped me with, you have so much compassion and caring. It is painful to think of you still suffering.

I'm sorry that I don't have the wonderful words and advice that you give others, but I wanted you to know that if you show others in the real world even a fraction of what you show us here, they are the ones who are truly missing out.

Blessed be and take care of you. You truly deserve it!

Dear Meili,

"Can I get a Heeello" need to watch those now and well you understand.   and thank you so much for your kindness, I truly appreciate and you made my night. I asked on here why I felt a nothing, no crying, nothing. Have never ever felt that in my life.

Then you came in your kindness and I cried, so appreciated and needed those words. I am processing but your writing made me come back and still keep facing while processing.

Will be back and write more, as well as to your other. Had to stop in to thank and let you know what it meant to me.  Just can't think now and well not the place for me don't want to hurt anyone in my "reality" tour... .lol

Also not that it matters but have my hair to my waist, thought of getting a pixie cut before this retreat... .so yes need to quietly process things and cancel a hair appointment. I finally made one, ... .and we are walking... .lol so yes am hurting and need to process all this as I let an old life go and start a new one. That I thought would include a precious person to me. Guess I was not that important to them. So ... .in mean time no pixie cuts, no... .anything for a few days... .hehe Do have to plan moving. If I start talking Alaska... .please write me back here. No Alaska is not bad, just not for me. 

Keep working on your healing heart as well, keep the faith, drama free, and your plan to make it work.

Thank you for helping me with my breaking heart.

LR

Meili,

Thought I should clarify as not sure you watched all, but the videos. But was sure you knew what I meant, with hello, most know by that. Got some liked up before retreat. Hugs again. TY

  LR!

Yes, I knew what you meant with the Heeelllloo... .

I'm sorry that you're struggling right now. I wish that there was something that one of us could say that spark the magical thought that would make all of the heartache go away. You and I both know that it is a process though that takes time.

My bet is that both of our respective, new lives will include someone who is precious to us. In each of our cases, we will emerge better people for what we've experienced and be better partners to whomever it is that we choose to have accompany us on our journeys. We have been forever changed.

That isn't a bad thing either. We are learning and growing. We get to choose our how far we grow now.

Have a blessed day.

LR,

Sorry to read about your struggles.  Hope that this day finds you better, and please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. 

We just met here the other day but I can tell by your spirit that you are a wonderful person.  And the sun will shine on you again.  Best wishes.

OB

Followed your thread; looks like you have some great support going. Glad you're waiting on the pixie-cut, not that you asked my opinion. Hope you are hanging in there and rising above a bit!

Meili,

Ty yes it has been a growth experience, mainly with my Mom, ex etc. This silent treatment has hurt me. I am just humbled and honored to have shared so much with my friend over the years. I hope I touched their life and heart a fraction of what they touched mine. All this other aside.

I do respect they had a need whatever that reason was to do the things they did with the boundaries or hidden. I do feel bad they felt they couldn't share, or if other then what I though I could have had that explained. Maybe they had a different life or thought of our friendship then I did.  Just wish I knew so could have been part of, the rules changed or whatever. To be honest my heart sinks on the truth I might not have meant anything to them.

I have always tried to leave people with good feelings in their hearts, to know they were loved and appreciated. I just well... .don't know what to say with this. The person knew that it hurt me what my mother did, so is hurtful they would do same.

 Do go back to  what JQ wrote  and understand how they grew up. Hope they can be happy, and work on what they need, know they were loved and reach out. Eventually need to shut the door if they don't and get that.

I will choose to be grateful for all they did, we shared and the huge part of my life they were. I did write a letter to them blessing, loving, thanking and hoping they do well, didn't send it. Just don't want them to feel I am holding them back from whatever they decided to do. Like said if they hate me, painted me black, moved on, or I would intrude then don't want to approach. If they wanted to move on, would have blessed them, would have been hurt of course wanted to understand. But would have respected and they know that. So still don't understand the ST or abuse it signifies. Just too much love over years for me to understand. 

I wish I could get the help for business, just a little really need to get things. A friendship still, an explanation, or apology for silent treatment.

I would like to talk and apologize to them for the way I handled things if I hurt them. I wish I had what you and some do that the person had the capacity, drive or want to end the Silent treatment to be friends or be there for each other. Still love, respect and honor enough to make it right, the wrong they did. I am always willing with people, that are a part of my heart.

 Don't understand how you can be such a huge part of someone's life, love, laughter, caring, and so much in common to this... .does hurt. I am talking for 8 years, that is a long time, especially when they knew how devoted and loyal to our friendship I was. I know I know sorry don't mean to repeat just going over to understand, heal, and face. I need to face the Silent treatment for what it is. Everything aside they know I would be kind even parting ways. That is who I am.

 I am glad the black void is gone not sure what that was never ever experienced it before. Not bad but just well different.

I do want to continue to bring joy, laughter, fun, and peace into peoples life that I cross or am in. I do feel bad for the times I was stressed with dealing with pwUNBPD. It was tough. I am not complaining. I have had training over years that have helped me be in zen, now things I learned to let go of Mom and his issue. But still we all can learn and grow everyday. Many don't have that will, or won't which is sad.

I am glad like you said we both do. It will lead to a wonderful and precious future.  Hope friend that I loved reaches out, but well will be happy for them in life and be in joy for what God puts in my path and world.

Thanks OB as well. Your kind words helped soothe a broken hurting, but healing heart.

Thanks Circle... .LOL do appreciate.

Thank you FF, JQ and all who reached out.

Appreciate all.    Be happy, find joy, and keep away from chaos or drama. Life is beautiful, and too precious.  

   

I'm only saying this to reiterate the facts, your friend's behavior isn't about you. It's about them.

Love, caring, and respect, don't just vanish as soon as the person is gone from your life. Eight years is a long time and there were a lot of memories created. I'm certain that your friend remembers those and the kindness that you brought to their life. They have made their choices however, for whatever reason. I know that doesn't take the pain away, but I am also willing to bet that you can find at least some solace in knowing that your friend is doing whatever they need to do for themselves.

I'm glad that you're not holding onto the void!

"Eventually need to shut the door if they don't and get that." -Lilyroze

Yeah; I hear you on that. I've been debating the same issue. I haven't arrived at a conclusion yet. There are pros & cons. The pro being: closing the door to the same treatment in the future. The con: two wrongs don't make one right. However, from the little I've read in a book. It seems that some people who have undergone severe abuse reach the conclusion that they will not tolerate any such behavior in the future; so perhaps that is the right path? I don't know. And, then, there is the part that want's to close the door, just because it's so difficult to keep it open to possibility; like waiting in a way. In other words, I've been contemplating that I want to close the door, just to have some resolution/closure. However, am afraid that if I do permanently close the door, I will regret it.

And, another thought. How singer Jonathan Richman says that we need to experience the pain of loss, to move on. That if we bury it, we aren't really making any progress. Sh*t.

Lilyroze,

I'm really like getting to know you and participating in your threads.  You have a lot of good things going for you.   |iiii

I want to emphasize that the likelihood any of this is about you is very... .very... small

You obviously care deeply about other peoples feelings... .and that is good, to a point.

I would ask you to consider if there is an unbalance in your life where you consistently think too much of the feelings of others and don't think enough about your own feelings.

Most of us come to these boards with that type of imbalance... .and likely will struggle with that for most of our lives.

Also, please look at your quote where you talk about leaving people with good feelings in their hearts.  That is a great sentiment, but it puts others in charge of the success or failure of your efforts.  You have handed them the measuring stick. 

I would suggest that you be deliberate about kind actions and words towards others and be happy with that.  Let other people think, whatever they will think about those efforts.

Last:  Search your heart for the source of resentment.  Perhaps the following could apply:  If you are holding yourself out there as someone that puts out effort until others "feel good", it would make sense that you expect that in return.  Understand that is a very high standard to set, and I would argue it is perhaps not a healthy one. 

So, when others let you down or you don't have good feelings after interactions with them, is there resentment that comes from them not meeting your standard?


Hope this helps!

FF

Thank you all and FF will process this. Love the insight, and will be thinking about this all. Really helps. I do want to own my part in all of my life, the good, bad and hurtful.

Thank you Meili   again your words help me as my heart is just so broken in regards to this part of my life. I really must heal it.

Thanks Circle you are full of so much wisdom, and kindness I hope things get better for you. You truly deserve it and are in my prayers. You can do this. You are right and thanks for the quote and thought. I do need to work through this, face it and heal. Face it for what it is and not minimize it or dismiss it. If they miss, love or respect me or what we had at all, they need to reach out for me to feel important or cared about. I can't do it this time.

  To be truthful if really want the answers to above. Yes have high standards, but since childhood they are for me. Always were way too high for me.  

Trying to work on not giving my all to those who can't give back at least to be decent. I never give with wanting anything back, to me that is not what giving is. But do appreciate love, and respect. Luckily that is what I have been working on now is not so high of standards of myself anymore. I can't be everything to everyone, I need self compassion and love as well.

But no don't of anyone else, try to never judge anyone where they are at in life, what they can give or do. It is their life, do try to keep the drama and chaos out now. The pwBPD in my life has created so much, but always thought due to being so sick, so accepted it. Now don't.

Also not sure the person really saw how much stress I was under when the pwBPD went all out crazy with rages, dysregulation and I tried to handle all with grace for my kids, myself, my work, and friendships. I just wanted to end it with the pwBPD with class, grace and well my sanity in tact... .LOL The kids needed a stable, kind one here to show we don't act like this.

Alas the problem where things get unbalanced is I give with no intention of receiving back which is a good thing but again when dealing with healthy relationships. So many times put my needs back so low that by the time I realize what some do it is beyond what most would take.

Growing up with BPD Mom, it was always my fault. I have been working on that, in the sense of boundaries. I can stand up for others and always could, have a harder time standing up for me. Try to do with love and grace, and when the familiar pattern with the person was silent treatment. Hurt, so avoided ever trying to upset.

So even now until faced the silent treatment was abuse. I have bent over backwards when ever had a slight with this person to reach out, call with love, letters to nothing back . Then things were always my "fault" to get it started again. Which I loved person , could give grace and no problem. Just well now at this point needed recognition of what they did, in a true apology I love you way. They would never have accepted this from me. Ever. Nor would I have done it. Again let others do what I never would to someone. Not high standards just common decency.

Though I do accept in our love languages being different if there was times I hurt them, or did wrong ( never intentional) they might have not addressed, so maybe inadvertently I didn't fix something right away. Don't know. If they ever addressed did try to fix, apologize or handle right away. Took ownership.

I do believe this friend has a rough childhood, and NPD parents, possibly BPD sister ( but is a sweetie). Friend is very good person, just doesn't know how to handle when the tough emotional things come up. So this was the first time I really wanted them and I to examine the lie and broken boundary and trust. We have faced things before, but this would be harder to brush off, after working on my boundaries in life and seeing I deserved more. If I hadn't approached about the lie or issue all would be good. But did realize that wasn't healthy or a good foundation. So as we know they shut off go silent and replace or reach out.

 It is important for me to look at dynamic, but is not about them anymore. It is about how I respond to less then decent treatment after 8 years. That is the real key to me. See if talking to someone about this ( which I wouldn't want to betray person so was vague with Pastor or Priest friend etc made about me) so would just be devastated, hurt, keep trying to reach out. The only thing stopping me is dignity, and respect that as long as I left them with love, won't interfere with their life but did expect a hey you are loved, lets start again, or I am sorry lets work on this. Something.

So I put here, hope writing it would heal me,... .LOL didn't of course, then ignored... .as usual, then examined and tried to blame  myself, minimize, justify the lie and broken boundary.

Then the beautiful thing of strangers who cared enough to answer, give insight, help me face the abuse. Out of politeness to answer, want to face and heal. Not letting the thread die, I am facing the abuse head on and seeing it for what it is. How unhealthy or unloving ( if replace by one or MANY) they could give their time to, but not be willing to address, care or fix with me. This someone I shared my life, business, trust and love with, as well as wanted to be a part of theirs to help them, be there and care. I would have shared everything unselfishly in my business to give full partnership life etc. And in turn would have appreciated all they did for me, and would have deserved that and more given to them.  

I never wanted to face this person might be NPD leanings as I just don't see that, won't label and certainly won't diagnose. Just they shut off all emotions, walk, and with a family that was always over top they try to just walk away. Well tada, facing it all they never really think they did wrong, hidden things so were angry at me. Took all the good I wrote and thanked for to point out the few things bad ( which were what they did to me).

We really never had fights, but didn't know the hidden or the rule changes etc.

As for Mom well this has been my whole life. Luckily have healthy loving relationships with so many in my family that know it is her. Just this is the first time in the last 5 years realized no amount of anything would please her BPD, she scape goated, and silent. I have loved, reached out etc to silent and it tore me up. Now no more she is too toxic.

 But do forgive, love from afar just don't like what she does. Her own brother and sister as well as Mother saw she has intense issues and was not me. I think that is why I try so hard with others I don't want to ever hurt anyone or be like my mom. It is why I forgive so easy. Life is too short and precious not to.

If I reached out again, but can't do that this time. If I mean anything or did they have to as each time hurts too much for rejection. How can you just shut everything and walk from someone that you said was your best friend and more there for you for everything.

You are totally right though FF about giving others the measuring stick, unbalanced and give too much have been working on that.

No resentment really that I can feel or have. As forgiveness is always been easy, and important to me. Doesn't stop the pain now though. Just hurt, deep to the core hurt over having someone know this is the worst hurt for me and they know that to do it to me. They were the one to point out my Mom's silent is cruel to be doing it.  I guess I put the other up to show to myself and get input, they know I would respect their wishes. Just easier to hurt me I guess, and replace.

Hopefully if this thread gets too long, I have the courage to start another if need to as this really isn't the end of the silent treatment. I am still facing, not blaming, trying to heal.

If not for you all I would have told another how to fix, not take, but myself would have questioned, blamed me and not faced the pattern of the silent from him and my mom. Geez I have childhood friends, old ex's, boyfriends, friends, acquaintances, dear people, many old dear co works and so much family I can't think of anyone that would give me silent and walk away but my Mom and my Dear best friend.  They all loved me in their live, or accepted me, as I did them. I always love hearing back from people, reaching out, or when they do, catch up, make them feel loved. Everyone needs an ear to listen, a heart to talk to or a hand to hold at times. If I can do that for someone then humbled, and honored, as well as appreciate if done for me.

Sorry for the long posts and rambles everyone. Hope this was not too much or boring to any. Bless those who read, cared or reached out. If anything anyone reading this please don't give up where there is love, a foundation, friendship or a way. Care, and give compassion.

Work out NC if you must, LC but don't ever give Silent treatment it kills relationships, friendships, hearts and well trust. Be the bigger one reach out if you can.

If they replace you, continue Silent treatment, or don't reach out, paint you black are they still a good friend or more? Oh geez... .

Long posts are great... .keep them coming.  It helps me see how you think and process.  Lots of information that can be sorted through... .to boil things down to where focus needs to be.

I think this is the quote that you need to work with. 

After seeing this quote... .and seeing how you "try to leave others with good feelings"... .I believe that you are holding yourself responsible for the feelings of others, far more than you will admit to yourself.

We can help you on these boards, but really... .this is something to discuss with a T.  The amount of nuance involved with what you are or aren't responsible for can easily get lost in an online forum.

I suspect that "it being your fault" pops up on places that you are totally blind to, and I would hope that a skilled T can help you sort through those things.

Note:  I'm sort of in the same boat.  It feels very odd to me to say my truth (my point of view) and then leave others to sort out their feelings.  My default position is to try to advocate for how they should feel or interpret things (especially when they are interpreting my actions).

Even though it feels weird, I am much better for it and I think my relationships have improved. 

A T can also help you not go too far.  The feelings of others do matter, they just need to be in a "proper" perspective.

FF

You are correct FF. That is the core issue I have been working on and realize it is important to address that, and have been seeing much progress. Healing, and addressing has done my life a world of good. I spent so much time trying to fix me, since they always blamed, raged or scapegoated. I was gaslighted and now that FOG is gone can see the light.

The only one I want to be better then is myself the day before. I want to find the joy in the day, have gratitude, and not be in chaos or bring to anyone.

Yes have been reading quite a few of the books, lots of psychology books as I wanted to understand my Mom, pwBPD and how to not take on their problems, try to fix or own their emotions. Have taken retreats, led some on life and abundance, have seen a counselor recently and do feel so much better.

I have needed to separate that and let others lead their journeys, love them where they are at not judge while at same time now not taking abuse in any form.  Having my boundaries. Each person has a right to feel and see the world the way they do. I want to honor that, and not be responsible for their feelings, the whole relationship, and want them to feel they can address things as well. It is all about growth, owning your own life, mistakes, love and power. As well as letting another. When two people can do that you can then have a healthy relationship, respect and good life.

Also it has been hard when dealing with pwBPD rages and when he went into psychotic rages, threats to kill others, myself, spying,  wiretapping. It did make me emotional. I am a balanced, centered person, but am an empath so do feel others emotions, and was hard.

 Now I can get back to me, my core being and let the chaos go. Being emotional is OK most women are at times, but can look back now to the zen and center.  

I just mean that I don't want to do what my Mom has done so owing my mistakes, helping, caring or trying to be the bigger one has been important to me. I didn't grow up with her doing that, so never wanted to bring that to a relationship, my children or friends. I have worked hard over the years to read, heal, study and work through it with  T I had for my kids at one time. To help deal with it. Funny enough have lead workshops on DV, and life.

You are right though in my trying so hard to not be like my Mom I have tried to hold myself to responsibility of the  feelings of others or fix or had to take care of everything for my Mom and ex had me in that role or would rage at me. I did know this, have learned to step back over years, re center, re focus but was just too much at once when pwBPD lost it this past year.

 So yes funny you said that, as had a small retreat recently am going to a longer one and addressed just that. I have to and have been getting back to me, who I am, and was before the crazy rages with my ex. I became in a role of fixing everything for him, and don't want to do that for another, or cross a boundary of imposing that on them.

I am also realizing it is OK to have hurt, and not have to be 100% all the time. In a professional role for work, wanting to be the sane caring parent, friend etc. I held lots in. Funny I put up with more then most and could only show my hurt or when you go through the anger cycle of dealing with a pwBPD, but as Priest and I talked about when you are the romper room type and be up all the time. The few times you get hurt, upset many can't take take if unhealthy as well they expect you happy all time. So few times I did get upset my friend was hard on me ( behind my back). When they did everything for a few capable adults. It was hard to accept.

They have a dysfunctional role of caretaker of many in their family. I admire their strength, wisdom, intelligence and all they did and do. Hard thing was too watch them do all that, praise them for it, to have them take many things out on me they didn't realize. They said no, but realistically they became the sole person in many roles and let them walk on, to being mad at me the few times I could release what was going on in my life.


I felt I could show them what was going on as had to hold so much together, couldn't bring it to others. It was my life, my problems. Though we both are healthy, loving people, the care taking is temporary for me now. Will be for them, as well. We both hopefully can get back to who we are, not how we were raised, are healing and will go on to be better people for it. Just wish they gave me credit, and respect now like I have given them now. That is the issue with this, my mom is not to blame, nor I for their S treatment now. I need to remember that.

I have faced childhood issues, healed or am healing, same with holding pwBPD accountable, and not trying to fix anymore.

I am an adult, responsible for my own happiness, and take that on. I have had to heal, learn, grow, and will and do. I hope they do as well.  

It has all helped so much. I think the reason this has helped so much online as never wanted to face the silent treatment and what it was from my friend. Truly we have spent so much time loving, caring, respecting, learning, growing, we are both into intellectual, self growth and laughs. This is someone who matched just about everything in my life, same on financial, growth, friendships, political, outlooks on life, spirituality, religion. Just healthy, loving relationship unless the silent treatment and of recent lies and  boundary.

Will keep going, looking within, addressing, and making my life better each day. That is what it is about being a healthy person, enjoying life, and making each day good.  

Thanks again all any insight has been a blessing, will go forth to shine a light and be better for the experience. God leads you through, and you can choose to grow, learn or not. I will choose to be grateful for all I have learned, will learn and be.

Be blessed and not stressed and hope you all find love in yourselves and with those in your lives.

Went over a lit a candle haven't done that in ages and really enjoyed the serenity. Lit a candle for my friend and had requested a prayer and candle  request at St. Nicholas Cathedral where a friend is taking care of.

 My friend doesn't need it, as well a wonderful person, with so much good, and good things going for them. But truly never hurts to send more love, blessings and kindness just hope it reaches them and they feel it from the Universe that they are special. Even if we don't talk again.

"Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness."

LR,

I hope that you lit a candle for yourself. I'm certain that at this point you need to turn to yourself and learn to love yourself once again. Be kind to yourself again. You need to like yourself again. You need to concentrate on yourself, your healing, your life, your happiness.

YOU are responsible for YOUR happiness and the sooner you start to hug yourself again, to smile, to laugh, to enjoy life again the better your life is going to be.

Pray for your own peace, Pray for your own happiness ... .and I will do the same for you. 

J

 

Hello and good morning Lillyrose,

 I've read through most of your posting.
An answer to "the puzzle" is this: You compare the behaviour from your friend towards his family and how he's with you.

I had to learn the same (in a very hurtfull way) YET... .he knows his family will not/cannot leave him (and to be abandoned is their biggest fear) and he can easier leave you.

A true friend wouldn't treat you the way he does.

Myself, I feel sad because it didn't work out, glad I don't have to be part of that sick family anymore, confused because we are not gonna use the hotelvouchers he bought ... .

  JQ,

Of course, and thank you for the good thoughts and prayers.

Yes the power is within, and Try to see with the eyes of faith.

"Take time each day
to look back at where God was present today,
look for the graces and blessings He sends.
Be docile to the Holy Spirit and attentive
to what He is asking in the moment.
Notice the movements of your heart, what are you
drawn to and what are you resisting? Why?
Express gratitude to the Lord for all that he has given you today
and throughout your life. Notice the threads of grace.
The Weaver
My life is but a weaving
Between my Lord and me,
I cannot choose the colors
He worketh steadily.
Oftimes He weaveth sorrow,
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I, the underside.
Not till the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful
In the Weaver's skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.
He knows, He loves, He cares;
Nothing this truth can dim.
He gives the very best to those
Who leave the choice to Him."
- Author Unknown
Where grace abounds
 
 
There are moments in our lives that call us to stop and ponder, to look back over and reflect upon events, circumstances, relation-ships and encounters throughout our life. Given the distance of time, we may begin to see things from a different perspective and
with a new light notice a Hand at work weaving the seemingly
disparate threads of our lives - joys, sorrows, failures, challenges -
into an unexpectedly beauty. I love finding it the lessons the joy and yes to those who asked do love myself. That is the key, love is the answer. It can transmute any hurt or pain, into a lesson perhaps or a good thing. It can win over many things and bring smiles.

It is all good life is good.

"Each Day is a gift that is why they call it the present. "

We can complain because roses have thorns, or rejoice because thorns have roses."

TY Zonnebloem 

Don't let a bad day make you feel like you have a bad life. It will always get better.

With storms come rain:

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."

After :

"Use what talent you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best"

So that:

Laughter is the brush that sweeps away the cobwebs of your heart. - Mort Walker hehe

Yes we both are probably hurt.  Sorry you are hurting and do see good things for you. Glad you are doing better.

In food for thought for myself

"We tend to judge others by their behavior, and ourselves by our intentions." So will try harder to understand all life has to offer.

Though:
Life is like photography - develop from the negatives. So it can all be beautiful in the end. No matter what happens there will always be blessings in it for us

Thanks for reaching out, reading and being you. Means a lot and appreciate you and your kindness. Appreciate your input and insight as well. 

All is good and life is good.  Carpe Diem and make it a beautiful week. Finding some joy and hope you all do as well.  Believe, have faith, love and give grace. 

So, LR, what kind of wonderful and exciting things are you doing for yourself right now?

Enjoying following your thread. I was all caught up yesterday. Today, I have some catching up to do. Great poem. Thanks for sharing all your thoughts.

Hi All,

Any insight perhaps especially those who know servers?

Have had no contact still as you all know. Still hurt, but think highly of for all we had.

Have been concentrating on many good aspects of life, but have had a retreat, life, all good things, and great things with my children.Trying to keep everything I am responsible for at work done and working on business etc.

With my business have been doing many of the things needed done, social media, art work, some negotiations with possible contracts. But have let my servers and sites on the back burner now couldn't get into, just dealing with the other parts, too busy, hurt etc.

I just saw a log today they ended up in my spam folder, and many attempts to get into by hackers which we all know is normal. Do need to go in and put on black list or banned sites etc. I know need to get into do that, take care of sites etc. just well read above. This was the parts we were working together or he did,  so have avoided and need some infor to get into.

Well appears he has been in as of this month as well, yet no contact. I am not sure why. Maybe to do some things to help me, or felt needed done. I know it would never be for malicious purposes. But hasn't let me know, or what he did, or reached out or anything.

I am at the point of needing help getting in. ( thanks to the DM about there are people to help with that :) and well just don't want to end up in worse mess, cost too much or hirer hacker... .LOL Have looked on freelancer and others just well not sure what to do.

Why would he go into servers and not reach out? I have sites needing things finished etc but haven't seen any of that etc. I have not been into them and will have to do that soon. One is unmanaged and one is cloud based. So have been learning how to do the unmanaged but with everything else I have to do for the agency, other businesses etc it has been a lot. I won't drop the ball, and will make it all successful but am doing a couple large agencies solo right now, except my subcontractors I can use when needed eventually.

Meili,

Well lots of good on my mindfulness thread. In fact now CEO of a mindfulness company and forum ( though starter will be fun) and working on  my other businesses. Trying to enjoy every minute of life.

Any thoughts anyone about the being in server?

Hi all  

Thanks so much. Any insight still would be appreciated!

To update:

Ugh hate to admit this but he was not in server it was old log, when I searched for server by email and month brought up my old one and month so thought he was. Guess just very stressed, sick at time and trying to deal with so much, didn't notice the error.  

Still got the fresh at that time and didn't notice that part, still had hackers to deal with, which is normal from current and some issues that needed addressed.

So reached out in simple letter. I asked if he could help with getting information to me as it couldn't be opened at my end. I had tried all different programs etc and mentioned that in letter to him.

He was very kind and responded by email. Went out of his way to send me a link, which probably took him time to do etc. It was only a 24, and didn't work for me.

I truly at this point didn't want to bother again, and was trying all kinds of things, getting ready to hire someone known to deal with this ( from Russia hehe is freelancer) very professional but well would put all sites a big risk talking to someone in business unless I really trusted.  

Friend even noticed I didn't use link and sent another 24 hr link. After I used I thanked them. They responded but that is it.

I did have my apology letters but still firm on my hurt, all friendly notes, phone messages that were never answered nor has he reached out. So not sure what to think. As the ball would be in his court, he could have answered the letters, or mentioned when he sent me link. Or asked me to call, as I had poured my heart out in the unanswered.  So it still seems ST but not sure do I just let this all go then?

Don't want to intrude or bother, know I can't keep being the one to reach out after ST.

I am very appreciative he did send me a link, but his response was very curt.

Any thoughts before this thread locks? lol

Hey,
I don't have the tech know how to help. Glad that you heard from him. If I could, I'd fast forward you a few years in your life, to where you no longer care about the person. If that were possible, you'd lose a few valuable years of life. Good to see you on other parts of the boards. Hope you are hanging in there. Take care of yourself Lilyroze!
-Circle

Express thanks for his help, continue asking for his help until solved or until handed off to another professional. 

Basically... .split this up into buckets.  Right now only deal with your tech issues... .likely you will feel better when this is solved.

Deal with apologies and past stuff in different bucket and at different time. 

Mixing stuff up is problematic in healthy relationships.  Disastrous in strained ones.

FF

Hi! 

Sorry, I've been away for a week and I'm just catching up. I wanted to respond to this though:


I agree with you, the ball is in his court. You've done your part. You've reached out. You've expressed how you feel. Now, it's on him to reciprocate and take responsibility for his actions. It's time for you to stop chasing. It's time things to be about you. If he wants to come along on your journey, then he needs to take action to do so. Otherwise, you're just dragging dead weight around that you don't need.

You are obviously a very sweet, kind, caring, and thoughtful woman. You deserve someone who will fight for you; not against you. Someone should want to smoother you with flowers, affection, and adoration. He's got to decide to do that.

You, however, have to decide how long you're going to continue to allow yourself to be treated this way. That is the part that is within your control. 

*mod*

We're locking this one for exceeding post limits. You're welcome to start a new or similar topic of discussion. Thanks.