BPDFamily.com

Hi

The biggest barrier to my healing - is the fact my exBPD said he wanted to be a yound dad when we got together - I lay my cards on table and let him know exactly what I wanted. I allowed myself to get really excited and happy and he envouraged it- then after a year  did 360 - I was devastated and traumatised.  This has been triggered as a couple from another band have announced their pregnancy on fbk - this is not fair that was supposed to be my life

Hey CB-

So let's say that you want to have children, with a man who is in it with you and can meet your emotional needs sustainably, and who you trust, and who respects you.  Who do you need to be for those children and that man?  Who do you need to show up as in the world to make that a possibility?  What beliefs and values do you need to live by to provide a loving, nurturing home for those children?

Focusing on creating the future of our dreams, and making it a project, the best possible project, is a way to make it real in the world, one, but also a way to take the lessons of a relationship with a borderline with us, but leave the rest behind.  What if everything happens for a reason and it serves us?

Out best days are ahead of us.  Take care of you!

I'm very sorry. I know it's so hard. You had hopes and dreams. Like most of us did. My ex fed me the same line. But you know what.? As much as it's still hard to wrap my mind around who this guy truly was... I'm so grateful I had no children with him! Can you imagine how much worse your life and your poor children's lives would of been! It's a blessing that it never happened with him! That doesn't mean you won't have it. My sister had her child at 45. And my niece is about to be 12 and is an honor role student. Trust that God has a better plan for you. Listen to the hellish stories of the poor people on here with children with their BPD ex's. Some physically abuse the kids too. Don't ever feel bad about that! Feel bad that he lied and was a sick phony man. But not about not having kids with him! It was a blessing not to . You'd be taking care of both

I think you mean a '180' lol 

At the end of the day, you should actually be thankful you never did have children with him. Read all the stories on these forums about people who had children with their exBPDs. There is never a happy ending. You are bringing someone into the world that is going to be abused or neglected by them in many ways, and as a result there's a good chance they would develop BPD and/or other mental issues themselves.

Your BPD partner knew you wanted children so he created a fantasy relating to that. Letting the fantasy go is one of the hardest things to overcome after the breakup. During my BPD relationship I was convinced that the fantasy she created for me would all come true in the end, and that we would spend the rest of our lives together happily ever after. When I ultimately realised that it would never come to fruition, it absolutely destroyed me.

That's very odd because my BPD gf did the exact opposite with me.

In the beginning, I told her how I didn't want children and she would agree with me so so whole-heartedly. She would launch into rants about all the bad things about having kids and seemed to have her mind made up 100%

Only about a year later and one of her reasons for discarding me is that she wants kids and I don't, totally out of nowhere. I guess the consistency here is, well, the inconsistency. The flip-flopping back and forth between wildly different ideologies/mindsets seems to be a common trait that many of us have experienced with our ex BPD partners.

Hey cherry.  Yeah, it's overwhelmingly confusing trying to reconcile their words with their actions. I'm at the point where I'm no longer trying to make sense of what my pwBPD said to me.  She was pushing hard for a child.  And we tried for almost a year, and nothing.  And now, I'm thanking the Lord above that I didn't get her pregnant.  She painted me black and we are now embroiled in a nasty divorce.  It hurts, more than anything I've ever been through.  But slowly I'm not caring as much and she is becoming a part of my past not my future.

Yes, and going back to a few of the 'official' traits as laid out in the DSM:

-A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
-Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
-Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood.

Kind of comforting in a way, the professionals noticed, we noticed, folks with borderline personality disorder have enough commonalities to be definable, and predictable, in the sense that instability is the norm.  Beats the hell out of being in the middle of it wondering what the hell is going on yes?

heel,

The scientific reasoning definitely does help to balance out the natural human emotions of "what went wrong" & "why don't the want me?" for me at least.

The more I think about it, there are so many other examples of emotional instability that I just never paid attention to because I didn't know what any of this stuff was and just thought they were personality quirks. Sometimes when it was very hot out, she would say that she didn't mind it at all. Other times, she would get so flustered about the heat that she would become a different person and I couldn't talk to her / touch her / interact with her for 20/30 minutes because she was so upset with the heat. I'm sure that if all of us think back and look through this new lens of understanding that we have about these conditions, that we can identify a number of different actions that played out as a result of these symptoms.

Hey cherryblossom

First I would like to say I'm sorry you had to go through this and I can understand.

I have a child with my BPDgf and it can be a nightmare when considering how her illness has and will affect our child. I know it don't help much but I'm on the other side and it is not an easy situation to deal with, children are a full time job and having another parent who's a child emotionally is awful and added stress.

I know our sons mother loves him, she just cannot deal with being a parent, she can't parent herself.

I hope you feel better  

wow -thank you all for taking time to respond -was good to vent -I am pleased to say I am detaching more and more it was just seeing that on my news feed today hurt.

I am pleased I haven't had kids with any of the men I have been in a relationship with -and I would rather not than have them with someone unpredictable and unstable I would not want them to have the experiences I had as a child

I really am using this experience to truly acknowledge my deepest wounds and to accept my role but also his in a 50/50 manner -I have a tendency to take on way too much responsibility for outcomes. I do have to take responsibility for allowing myself to run with a relationship that was not meeting ALL my needs and childishly banking on hope for change -but also I do feel I was manipulated and taken advantage of -that is hard to come to terms with -just as with a child it is easier to believe we are a naughty child than to come to terms with fact that a parent might actually be selfish, neglectful, spiteful etc... .these unreasonable traits may develop because of an experience with mh issues -but does not take away the painful damaging impact to the other party

Jerry RG -  sending you strength -you are doing a great job x

PJ glad your making sense of things x

Heel your pep talk r.e the future was much needed and appreciated and taps into my reason and restoration x

asphx -lol -yes 180 is the flip side! Maths not my forte! Although 180s and 360s both seem to manifest in the world of BPD... .also can I confess your name makes me chuckle as I always read it as ass fix!-childish sense of humor -apologies! x

Wize yes in many ways we have saved ourselves future turmoil-you seem in a similar place to me healing wise x

ItStopsNow-your story gives me much hope thanks for sharing x