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I just was driving in my car and heard one of two songs that remind me of him... .I have heard this twice this week already after a long time of not hearing it... .it's kinda strange, like I am being tested. I failed... .this time I started thinking about back when we were in the love-bombing phase  when we listened to the song and when I thought I was really in-love. It just made my cry all over again! I should have had a clue when "our song" was Timberland's "Apologize"! He really liked that song- I had no idea it would turn out to mean what it does now. It's too late to apologize... .too late. Yes, those are the words... .ridiculous. The other song was "No One" by Alicia Keys... .that was ridiculous too. "No one will get in the way of what I feel for you"... .yea, just sexting woman, blow job woman, a woman in my bed and another one with your baby! UGGHHH... .I wish these feelings would go away. I saw my gynecologist today, she said you will meet someone, after I told her we were finally divorced. (She met him when I was pregnant and knows all of the drama when I was needing STD tests)... .I said, I don't want to. I really mean that for now. Sure, I hope one day I won't have these ridiculous feelings for an abuser, but for now, no one deserves to have to put up with my problems over my ex. Not a good day   : (

You're not alone in this so don't be too hard on yourself.

I'm still living in the same apartment that we moved into even though she moved out while I was at work 3 weeks ago without any warning. It's hard enough having to still be there where my only memories are of being with her but perhaps it has desensitized me to certain triggers.

However; there are still stupid little things I will see that cause me to break down and it's not fun at all. Today I drove by a place that we had gone to shop for things for our new apartment, back when there was so much hope and it seemed like my future was set. Little things like that set me off and I don't know how long it will take until this stuff doesn't bother me.  Anyway, I hope your day gets better and just remember that there are many others who experience this too & we're here to talk about it.

Sorry Blue.  That really sucks.  I know you'll process what you're feeling and move forward.  You've come so far.

I had my ipod on shuffle the other day and our song came on.  It's kind of ruined for me now.  My ex cried the first time I played it for her and told her this is our song. Now it just hurts to hear the words.

https://soundcloud.com/majical-cloudz/downtown

Man, isn't crazy how those good moments we shared with our pwBPD make such an incredible impact on us?  They weren't just good moments, they were perfect. It's those perfect, beautiful moments that kill me when I think about them. 

Or... .you could consider it the universe helping you see how you're doing on your detachment, a way to check in, some feedback to use to decide what to do differently, or maybe do nothing differently except chill and give yourself some more time?  There are no failures, just strategies that work and ones that don't.  And what if everything happens for a reason and it serves us?

Sidebar: my ex and I liked Marley's Three Little Birds, you know, "Singing' don't worry about a thing, 'Cause every little thing gonna be alright".  Coulda been a delusional mantra in our case, but I liked that song long before I met her, so to take it back, I went to an island in the Caribbean off the coast of Honduras, and ran down the beach naked at sunset with it blaring on an iPod, and maybe the beers helped, but it worked, it's my tune again.  You don't get to mess with my reggae sweetheart.

*)

Was at a restaurant the other day and "our song" came on. Hadnt heard it in a very long time. Made an excuse because I started to cry, left my friends sitting there and went outside for a few minutes. Spent rest of dinner with tears in my eyes. Someone suggested I try "Tinder" and I just about lost it.

Herodias, this is painful and I can relate. There doesn’t seem to be anywhere I can go without hearing one song or other that reminds me of my ex. He used to send me sad songs all about heartbreak. During our first year he went on a trip for a month and we sent each other a song everyday. Then during the mini ‘break-ups’ he’d send me more. Dozens now. I’ve cried in the supermarket, department store, triggered by tv and movies. Interestingly, there are some days now when I can listen to one of them. I interpret this as a sign that I will eventually get through this. Here's a hug for you 


Trigger! This is my ex's ringtone!

So there's a reason to play it to death; taking our tunes back is part of taking our power back yes?  And also developing new associations; I recommend an umbrella drink on a white sand beach with people who care about you, the strains of Marley in the air... .