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I remembered that during the idealization phase he told me he had to see his ex to pay his part of a water bill of a field they worked together at. And he told me "It is sad all this detachment, both from her and from me". All the first month we were together he talked constantly about his ex.He was clearly triangulating.

I read that PD people come back after the discard to let you know about the new replacement and try to triangulate again. He has some dvds of mine. I am in No Contact. I do not want to know about his new one. He has never tried to contact me. I am in pain but I do not want another wound. Please... .how can I avoid this? Any advice?

I am so sad.

Hey UnforgivenII 

Well done seeing how triangulation might be involved if he tries to contact you.

Maybe a plan might help?  :) No one knows what he's going to do but at least you'll be prepared.

Here's what I did, in case it's an idea for a plan. I agree that a plan is a good thing to have.

I had some of his things, he had some of mine.  I decided I did not care about my things and would not ask for them. If he asked for his things, I would arrange a neutral drop off place where I could leave them.

In the first few weeks of NC, I had blocked him on everything but allowed for the possibility of text messages or calls, in case he tried to get in touch about his daughter with whom I'd become close. I decided that I would not answer a call no matter what until I felt ok. When the call came one morning out of the blue, I answered it. I kept the conversation short (it wasn't "perfect" but near enough in terms of non-involvement from me) and again, neutral. If he had started with anything that could be hurtful, I simply would have hung up and not answered any further call or read any text messages.

Knowing that I wanted to know nothing was helpful. Knowing that I would have immediately shut down any conversation that could have become hurtful in any way was helpful too.

If I'd bumped into him on the street, I would have crossed the road. If he'd appeared at my door, I would have politely but firmly closed it in his face. If I'd met him in our shared office facility (different rooms, thank god), I would have held up my hand, palm out, as if in greeting but also a clear signal to not come near me, and moved away. That's all. I didn't feel any reason to think beyond that.

I hope that helps!

It's not a conscious desire to triangulate, it's the fact that borderlines hate to lose attachments, it's the worst thing that could happen, so even though you're not together and regardless of what went down, he still has a desire to stay attached to you and may act on it.  So you'll be the one who has to sever the attachment.

He is probably unpredictable, but the thing you can do, the thing you have control over, is to move forward with your detachment and work on shifting the focus from him to you and from the past to the future, an awesome future of your own creation, and once you get some momentum there with your feet firmly on the ground, he still may contact you, and by then it won't matter, you'll have no emotional reaction, and then you will be free.

I thank you all so much. Crying like crazy today. I have to go through the day.