BPDFamily.com

First I want to apologize for not being here very much to be some support to all that has helped me so very much.  We have had a fun busy summer with grandkids and boy do they keep you hopping. but I wouldn't have it any other way.

As seems to be the typical, rise and fall of my DD moods I still am not able to keep them from upsetting me somewhat.  However, it is easier now because I am usually prepared.  I do continue to
 seek better words to use.  But there may not be my words but just the way things are.

IF anyone can help with suggestions I am always open.  Just making note that I have learned much and I think I do not feed into it and so maybe?

My heart just breaks though that my DD could get some help so she could process in a better way so she doesn't have those thought in her head.

This is what occurred.       We had picked up our gd for a visit.  My husband noticed DD still had her snow tires on her car. ( she has never been good at changing her oil or taking care of her car. which ends up usually costing us money because it's either no vehicle, no work, not getting kids to school.  She takes care of other stuff.)  been 3 months since she had needed them.  Of course my husband says to me,  I suppose we we are going to have to buy her new tires come winter because she is driving them all summer.  so I mentioned to my DD via text message, Your dad is wondering what she found out about her other tires, were they in good shape. ?  Her reply back to me was" I know I am a piece of Sh--, and a failure, and you don't have to remind my perfect other brother and sister to change tire, or oil.  You treat me like a 3 yr old,  I am just coming to pick up gkids this week end."     Of course she never said anymore about that and today i got a text about when we were bring gks home. 

I wanted to scream back at her.  No we didn't remind you as a 3 yrs. old,  just worried about your safety but now you are acting like a 3 yr old instead instead of just saying thanks for reminding me. 
 

Do you always text D?  I find w/my D she reads into and scrutinizes every word texted.  Do you think calling or face to face would be worth a try? This way you can use the tools, listen w/empathy, validate her feelings, etc.

I know it is hard, sometimes we just have to be the bigger person and ask ourselves is it better to be right or effective? 

If she brings it up again to you, let her know you didn't intend to make her feel like a 3 year old and that nobody is perfect. I usually then give an example of when I was of similar age (sometimes they are fiction) but it seems to get the point across and put an end to the DRAMA.

Good luck!

thanks for your response.  No I don't always respond through text.  I do find it is a way to avoid getting into more than I think I can deal with but do agree with you about how it is interpreted. 

I realize that it won't change but gosh,  I wish I could just let her read her responses over the past years and point out to her how she looks at things. I know she probably responds with this because maybe she realizes that she is not doing what she knows she should and so if I throw a temper tantrum and tell everyone how bad I am then it takes the blame off of me. 

I just don't know if there are ways to get that across from her.  She carries so much lack of self confidence, and feeling her siblings hate her and that they are perfect.  That is not true.  However sometimes she just sets her self up for things to not work out.  She's a great mom and her perspective on how to raise them is so insightful and much better than a lot but when things get crazy or something she just struggles.  I do see that they pick up on that some.  so maybe she isn't as good as I think.  Conflicts ?  If someone else responded like she does or deals with things she would recognize what they need to do and what they are doing.  She just can see it in herself.