BPDFamily.com

So, as I read replies about peoples exes sometimes, I really get sort of confused.
There are descriptions of crazy exes that describe not only my BPD ex, but myself too.

I got super tired of trying to balance my exes problems on my shoulders. When I wanted to focus on my own
problems for a bit before I went mad, my ex would make me feel bad for it, like I wasn't giving her enough attention (which I guess I wasn't but because I needed to help myself before I could help her).

Anyway, because of this, I shut off my emotions and became distant and cold to her and in general to protect myself. During that time, feeling emotionless felt better than trying to balance her problems and mine.

I don't know, reading some of the replies scares me. I know I don't have BPD, and I am almost 100 percent sure she does.
But there are just certain scenarios people describe here of their exes and it was me in that scenario rather than my ex.

I used to joke with my ex that I was manipulative (but never about anything serious. always dumb things) or I could fake cry if I wanted to, and she'd tell me that would scare her because it showed "how good of a liar I could be".
And our relationship intimately collapsed with  me becoming so distant that I chatted online with a girl I never met, confused my feelings, and thought I liked the girl (which later turned out I just missed a friend, without arguments or needing to be babied). but it was still emotionally cheating.

So it's like I, myself, have BPD traits and it scares me when i see peoples stories. Looking back, it seems like I had some of the traits, though she had them all.

She was more of the emotional, baby me, need me, show me love, type.
I, became more of the leave me alone to have my privacy, emotionally distant, butthole after cutting off her emotions when they overwhelmed me.

When we broke up, we switched.
SHE became the numb, emotionless leave me alone one, and I became the needy, love me, baby me one.
It was weird how we switched.

Does anyone else feel like this?
I know others have said they feel regret at times, and i definitely do too.
I think that when you feel regret, you really examine your own actions and magnify them, and forget about someone elses faults for a while.

hi Indifferent28,

i really admire your self awareness here. if im honest i can see similar behavior in myself. now that youve spotted it, you have an opportunity. self awareness is a catalyst for change. are you seeing a therapist?

Hi once removed,

What traits do you see in yourself? Have they always been there?

When my ex temporarily broke up with her gf a few months ago, she told me she needed to
"not use her emotions to control people" and that was what she was working on. She told me she needed to learn to love herself when she dumped me also, but never stayed alone long enough to do any of the above.

Whats funny is, I noticed after we broke up, she repinned a few things from pinterest.
They were things from a blog about "Surviving Narcissistic abuse" and the way she treated me for the first few months after we broke up, especially first few weeks after break up, showed me she thought  I was a narcissist. She REALLY played into that victim mentality. Constantly.

I am not seeing a therapist. It is too expensive at this time.

thats self aware too, but an obvious lack of follow through. an easy trap to fall into. change is hard. comfort zones are what we know. they work, until they dont.


could be projection, could be an armchair diagnosis. its a word that gets thrown around way too much. for what its worth, pwNPD and pwBPD can form a legendary bond. no, im not implying you have NPD :). but we all have "little n" narcissism (there is healthy and unhealthy narcissism) and its worth examining how it played a role in our relationship. also, most of us emerge from these relationships with what are called "narcissistic wounds".


there is an important difference between "traits" (of personality) and "behaviors". i dont have BPD traits. i had plenty of emotional immaturity and emotionally immature behavior. im sure i still do, no one is perfect. traits are more ingrained and fixed into our personality. behaviors and maturity levels are far more changeable. i think most of what you are describing in yourself is more about maturity; the dysfunctional dance of these relationships.

its also very challenging separating the projections of our exes, what was theirs and what was ours. its important to do so without self judgment, and with an eye toward forgiving and bettering ourselves.

so good questions to ask yourself are the ones you asked me. was any of this behavior present in other relationships, romantic or otherwise? to what extent? what do you want to tackle first?

Indifferent I feel exactly like you do word for word. I used to emotionally shut out my ex out also and it has been hard on me because now she is with someone else and I feel very regretfull. I only did it I think because I did not understand her behavior. Now that I know about BPD I see where her behavior originates from and it makes it easier to be empathetic but at the same time it crushes me because I feel at fault for the relationship ending especially seeing her stable with the replacement and moving up in life with new friends and good times. Now I am the one who is obsessed with her, fluctuating extreme emotions, depression, etc when I used to be very level headed person. Its like she took a lot of me with her and dropped some of the emptiness she feels always

When we start learning about the traits of and behaviors associated with BPD, I think it's natural to get alarmed when we recognize some of them in ourselves. Those things are not things ONLY associated with BPD. Everyone is capable of projecting blame, painting people black, panicking at the thought of being abandoned, trying to hold onto attachments. The raw materials of BPD behavior are human behavior, right?

But how well are you able to regulate your emotions? What kinds of defense mechanisms do you use? Is it situational? Is it longstanding? There are those "fleas"--behaviors you temporarily pick up from being around them in others.

What am I saying here?

You may well have permanent, ingrained personality traits that are part of the BPD profile. It makes sense that all this reading about them in others has brought them into the foreground for you worry about. Do you have a therapist? You could bring these concerns up with him or her. You could think about what you're not happy with, and how you can be more mindful.

If you're truly concerned that you might have BPD traits that are causing trouble in your life, see a professional.

In case it interests you:

I had those thoughts myself, about a year ago. I was concerned about:

My history of unstable relationships.
Accusations from my ex that I had pushed and pulled him.
Periods of dissociation I'd experienced.
Terrible abandonment issues.

Then I was referred to a new psychiatrist when my old one cycled out of the program I was in, and 15 minutes into our first meeting, SHE asked if anyone had discussed BPD with me. I was quite alarmed, I don't need to tell you. I asked why, and she said it was nothing she'd observed--just some troublesome aspects of the history I'd given during the intake. She dialed back on it when she saw my reaction, but I thought, "Oh no, she knows something she's not telling me!"

I wasn't sure what to think, though, because I don't at all have problems with, for instance, idealization or black/white thinking. I don't make frantic efforts to avoid abandonment.

As it happened, I was scheduled for a full slate of psychological tests, and they asked if there were any particular concerns I had so they could customize the tests and report. I said I was worried I might have BPD. Results: no. I have some traits that overlap with BPD, but not BPD. I scored high on tests for traumatic stress, and they said I showed signs of complex PTSD from childhood, but not BPD.

So... .PTSD and BPD have a lot of similar symptoms. Maybe the trauma of your relationship brought out behaviors that were similar to those of pwBPD. But check it out if you're truly worried.

Sorry for rambling.

Cluster B people are masters in deflecting, not taking responsibility.
Waiting and expecting problems to be solved by the SO.
Who, in the eyes of Cluster B, make unforgivable mistakes and so, in the end, proves to be mentally ill. 

A similar one was discussed earlier today.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=296712.0

I know I dont have BPD but like steelwork said, sometimes traits of BPT and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder seem to mimic each other. I have such a fear of abandonment now, I dont know what I would be like if I was to get really close to a boyfriend again. I feel as sensitive and raw as someone with BPD.  I actually told my Bpd guy that the devaluing/discarding thing from him had given me ptsd. I didnt expect an apology (didnt get one) but I wanted him to know that the experience had changed me.

Know what you mean... .now Im acting like the one who is needy and desperate for his care and attention... .and he just acts like he's just living his life, and cant be bothered with the emotion. In a way, he is much better off than me. 

Wow, so glad to have found this post. I was honestly just having a similar thought moments ago and thought I'd look to see if anyone else could relate. Your description sounds so similar to mine. After being in a 7 year relationship with a woman with BPD, I became distant and colder... .put a wall up as well. I wasn't even doing it intentionally necessarily, I just found that I couldn't allow myself to trust her the way I used to or feel comfortable around her like before. I think the problems that we'd had throughout the years just took a toll on the relationship. Like you, I started gravitating to someone else - a new girl who I also believed I had feelings for, since she served as an escape from the heaviness at home. This isn't exactly why our relationship ended, but it was probably a catalyst. My relationship with the new girl (just as friends, but regardless... ) showed me how I wanted my romantic relationship to be. Less walking on eggshells, less drama and arguing. That to me sort of solidified my decision to move on - not for the other girl, but because I had a realization that I could be in a healthier relationship with someone else.

But after the split, I started to feel like I had made a huge mistake. I probably have blinders on, but all I think about now generally are the good times. I tend to forget about all the chaos and unhealthy dynamics that were a huge part of our relationship. Anyway, I've found our roles switching at this time as you mentioned. I have been (up until recently) reaching out to her more, and feeling more attached... .trying to salvage things. And all of a sudden it hit me - while reading about BPD traits and thinking more about myself... .I definitely have taken on some of these as well. But I don't think they were there before this relationship. It's all pretty ironic, but I feel things have come full circle and now she is trying to shape up her life while I have taken on some of these unfavorable characteristics (namely attachment in the aftermath, anxiety, and shifting moods).  I feel like these are all a result of the breakup and overall relationship, but it's still pretty unsettling to think about.

It is a strange revelation to have to see these things in yourself that you've been so focused on in someone else. For a moment I actually thought that maybe it was me all along. Then I remembered that these were things my ex was dealing with far before she met me and to a much higher degree. So it is my belief that as steelwork mentioned, some of these traits may have been brought out or been escalated by our experiences. I think it's hard not to be changed/affected by those around us, especially our significant others. It would be hard to live in such an environment and not come out differently. I guess all we can do now is recognize it and try to change it in ourselves. Thanks for posting.

From my experience, I think the way I rationalized things, responded to conflict (especially things like silent treatment which I had never experienced before), and most notably, lying, did in fact shift during the course of our five year relationship.

Having had two long term relationships prior to my uBPDexgf, I know that I acted more responsibly, acted with more dignity, and kept my cool, to a much higher level than during the descent, or downward spiral of this last nightmare.

I don't really remember ever telling my previous exes lies. At least not ones that mattered or would hurt them. I've never cheated.

I had never called a girlfriend a mean name, or sat alone so angry and upset, bitter, just stewing in a way... .thinking thoughts of revenge-- not in a dangerous way, but more in the sense of "How can this be happening, how could she act this way, I'm so hurt".

I actually caught myself about the time we hit year 4. I realized I was in fact now calling her mean names, acting a bit crazy, lying to her (most times to illicit attention or to test), and I put the breaks on. But it was a struggle.

But up until this relationship, I'd never been in a "dysfunctional" relationship. Never felt truly abused, screwed with, and honestly, just disgraced the way my ex acted towards me. My other girlfriends, were my best friend. Arguments at times, sure, who doesnt, but never horrible fights. Never silent treatment. Never name calling. And that goes both ways.

So I would say YES, I often read posts here and think to myself... .wait, maybe I am the one with BPD, but I think when you are deep in a relationship... .people tend to begin to mimic and mirror regardless of their personality profile or background.

So after being called terrible names so many times, I fired back. Monkey see monkey do.

It's strange in fact, one thing I never did- I never cheated. And she cheated in the end in a truly hurtful way. I mean she really disgraced herself, and me, acted with no honor at all.

I am of course still reeling from this, and I know that's something that will take a good deal of time to heal from.

But in some ways it also absolved me, and washed me of the guilt I felt-- about specifically the things you mentioned. The traits I had picked up on, and began doing myself. Those things I consider shameful, and up until she cheated, I felt very guilty about.

Now, while very hurt, and yes angry, and sad, the whole bag, I at least am not obsessing about "maybe I messed up". Maybe if I didnt say this, or if I did that better.

Because in closing, she is simply put, a liar, a cheater and a truly immoral person. Her cheating made me realize how lucky I was in many ways... .dodged a bullet so to speak. Because I will never get back with her now (even though I miss her), I simply wont. And I'm no longer focused on "what ifs", or regret.

I regret being shallow enough to keep dating her. I regret wasting so much time, energy and love, on a person who doesnt deserve me at all. Thats all.

 C<||| GoingBack20C

Everything you wrote I totally identify with.

The only difference with my situation was that the collapse of respect I had for my ex didn't come as a result of her cheating on me. It was instead how she discarded me, and then behaved and treated me after she had done it. No caring, empathetic, loving person could do what she did. This also meant that she lied to me during the relationship - she said that she loved me, but that can't be true in the proper meaning of the word, as you can't treat someone as badly as she treated me and love them at the same time. Real love endures and is stable, her love was transient (at best) and came and went with each new dawn.

From this, I began to see her in a new light. And not a complimentary one at that, hence the search for what the heck just happened to me, and finally finding this website.

Coming back to the OP, I think everyone feels the personality traits noted in people with BPD to a degree.

Most people fear being abandoned (at some level), fear engulfment (at some level), can act impulsively (some times - eg Fight /flight situations) etc... .But it is having the rationality to not act on those fears, but rather to try and discuss issues that arise in relationships. So in my view everyone has those feelings. The difference is the degree to what that feeling is (overwhelming- BPD or just a passing emotion - norm) and whether we act on it -BPD , or instead rationslise it, discuss it, or just wait for it to pass - norm.

Some posters here have NPD
A few others have PTSD.
Most here are quite normal.
So reading other posts, sometimes you have underatand the author.
(yes i will probably get a prvate msg abput being nice to forum members)

My first relationship had HPD tendancies. She of course was not.
But maybe in a bad life would have been.

They are all spectrum disorders Everyone has a characteristic or two.
It might be mild. For myself I have OCD and austisic tendencies.
Sometimes i have similiar mannerisms as BPD but the core of my motives tends to be different.


My ex for all accounts appears to hve BPD or maybe some severe attachment disorder or PTSD.
It is kind of a different spectrum I cant quite grasp. I think that is how you know. The alien feeing you see in someone that does not align with most.

If you are worried, it is fairly easy to ask your therapist for a psych exam. At any rate it would give you insight on your own tendencies.

PwBPD are all completely different from one another. Mine was the passive aggressive BAD. No rages from her. What happened? By the end of the relationship I was the one acting like a psycho screaming being insecure and jealous. We can heal. They can't.

And guys seriously, labels get thrown out way to much. You can act like a BPD and not be a pwBPD. You could just be an immature jerk. I was an immature jerk.

I can relate to this. My ex was in many ways very sly how she would handle her outbursts. Nonetheless, very degrading. She never emailed me. Ever. I think in 5.5 years, I got like 3 emails from her. It was mostly text, which I have - all saved, I dont know why. A part of me says one day I'll have a use for them, art project, something, once I'm healed (not calling her out of course, just the words).

But, she definitely not only made me act crazy... .100%, but also look crazy to everyone. I have no doubt all her friends think I am a fruitloop. But I kinda became one.

Hard to deal with someone whos life they present to you is "Pure Fiction"

Oh yes of course you look bad to her friends! Look at her friends CLOSELY. What do you see? My exes friends have no jobs. They are COVERED in tattoos and use drugs or have had drug addictions. Or they have crippling low self esteem. Yes all my exes friends think I'm horrible but that's why I won in court and she owes me child support lol. Because judges hate women right? Your ex is a lot like mine they passive aggressively degrade and lie to your face until you flip then your at fault. And in many ways it is our fault.