BPDFamily.com

I don't know if this happens to other parents, but sometimes the constant anxiety I feel from getting verbally abused at least once a week, not feeling safe in my own home,  I just snap and start screaming, getting in her face myself.  I have been to therapists myself, DBT and medication. 

For years, I have known this is wrong and it has happened several times in my daughter's life (the frequency is less than once a year).  I guess one could say I have BPD traits.  So, it really leads to inconsistency because most of the time I ignore her abuse (my husband does not support any consequences which also was encouraged by a therapist and psychiatrist whereas county health workers wanted us to use consequences, now we are back to no consequences because my husband doesn't want any because she is 18-it is a mess.) I have found with consequences, her abuse decreases and I feel more in control, but my husband has had a history or undermining, reversing consequences and there are a lot of draining arguments with him about consequences so now it is easier not to have them.

We recently had an episode where she started screaming at us and trashing the house so my husband said he was going to leave the house.  I was afraid to stay in the home alone with her so I left with him.  My son was sleeping upstairs and I was worried about that.  My husband was able to leave and go out to dinner.  I just stayed outside the house worried.  She did hit my son several times (she currently was convicted of harassment for a girl so her name in the court system for this type of behavior).  The next day we all left the house and she was allowed 6 hours alone to cool down.  I came home and she called me a ___ing b___ and started trashing the house again.   I had to leave the house again in hopes that she de-escalate, she came after me in the driveway.  I was worried because we had a tutor coming for my son and he would be coming home from his camp.  I finally said enough is enough and went back in and told her to get out and then I just went crazy.

 I had warned her before the summer started that she might want to get a job in another town and live with another relative (she lived with her grandparents for 5 months and was fine with them) so that old patterns did not emerge.   It was not good for her to live with us and continue this behavior.   After this incident of me going crazy, I told my husband that I could not live with her.  He said that he could not let her live without a parent when she is so emotionally fragile.   He took her to his mom's house and they have been there for 5 days.  She has negotiated coming back the night before she starts a full-time job at a summer camp. She works with children, but so do I and we are both good at it believe it or not.
I told her that I would not be giving her rides to work or anywhere.  I told her that one more incident of verbal abuse or property destruction and my husband (he agreed to this) would take her away until the day she leaves for college.   I also now know in my heart and mind that if he does not follow through on this, I will be the one to leave.  I cannot continue to live in fear of her or myself.  I also think it would be temporarily hard for my son but eventually good to know that he is safe.

Part of me feels like I am being an overdramatic failure.  The other part knows that unlike my husband I do not believe that things will just get better with time and if we just hold on till she gets to college that things will change. 

Hi Gorges,

I'm sorry to hear that you and your family are really struggling right now. You've come to the right place for support from others who have similar experiences.

The weeks before my D22 left for college were also very stressful for us. It can be a stressful transition for anyone, but our BPD kids have an especially difficult time with it

Have you read about setting and enforcing boundaries? It sounds like you and your husband need to agree on what behaviors will and will not be tolerated, and what will happen if boundaries are not respected. I wouldn't think of it as consequences or punishments so much as a an agreed upon plan of action. 

Will you daughter be living on campus? The separation may be a good opportunity for you to take care of you and nurture the relationships with the rest of your family.  It's a little sad to admit, but my relationship with DH and my younger daughter greatly improved when my uBPDD moved out.  Just the alleviation of the constant tension and stress was enough to turn us back into a happy and relaxed family.

I hope you and your family find peace. I think you are on the right track pursuing therapy for yourself and starting to layout clean boundaries.

Thank you and yes we have an agreed upon plan.  I also have gained strength in knowing that I will leave for a hotel/apartment situation if my husband does not keep up his part of the plan (he can undermine sometimes, but he has stepped up big time at this point).  Thankfully, my daughter will be living on campus in a dorm, but the university is only 2 miles from our home.  Thus, I felt it was an important time to start these boundaries because she could easily come home if the going gets rough on campus.   I think we are moving forward with a plan that will make our lives less crazy.  It puts the pressure on her to change and I have a tendency to blame my husband and myself at these points for everything that we have done wrong.  Whereas my husband just wants to get the job done and relax.  The good news is that my daughter is agreeing to the plan and taking responsibility.  We will see what happens when she becomes upset by something.  But, I guess that is part of the process.

I just joined and saw your msg topic,  my 18 yrs dd tried to kill herself by driving her car into a pole in March... .This was 3rd suicide attempt

Hi Gorges, your plan sounds like a good step forward. I'm a single parent so the triangular is not something I am personally familiar with though many good people share their learning with us here. Hope your daughter and husband stick to the plan you have all agreed. Like many I have learned our journey is not linear, we learn as we go and most importantly we take care of ourselves first.

I have read your posts and want to reach out to you and offer my support at this important time for you Gorges.

WDx