BPDFamily.com

Hi guys,

It's now been 13 months since my break-up, and I feel I turned a corner about two weeks or so ago. It's like all of a sudden, all of the work I've put in over the last year - the therapy, the reading, the talking to trusted friends/family about what happened, the self-care, the relationship post-mortem, the meditation, the 'allowing myself' to feel what I need to feel etc - just clicked magically into place.

We talk a lot about how healing isn't a linear process, and boy did I find that over the last year. One minute I'd finally feel I was getting somewhere, and the next I'd be back to feeling dreadful, full of anxiety, missing my ex, and wondering what the hell happened to me. It did sometimes feel like I'd never recover fully.

My T commented a few weeks ago when I said "I still don't feel 100 per cent like myself" that I will probably never feel like myself again. I took it as a negative when she first said it, but I now see it as a positive. Yes, I won't be the same again - I'm stronger, wiser, more self-aware, and emotionally healthier. No wonder I don't feel like myself - I'm an update version of that self. It's bound to feel different.

I wonder if this realisation was the catalyst for the corner that I feel that I've turned. Here are the reasons why I feel I'm finally reaching the end of the long and winding tunnel:

- I now see that even though my ex had many positives, the negatives far outweighed them, because at the end of the day, I am a peaceful person and he disrespected that every time he raged at me.
- I am able to look at my ex and the relationship in a balanced way, accept the positives and strive to find those again in a future relationship, but also know that the negatives are now deal breakers for future relationships.
- When I feel myself feeling 'wistful' I remind myself of the aforementioned negatives, and I realise that I am extremely lucky to have got out when I did.
- I also now see that if I'd married and had kids with him, I would have been miserable, as he wasn't strong enough to stand up to his family and go for what he wanted, including me. I also see that my kids would have been subjected to the same rages, and that's not the type of environment I wish to bring up young ones in. I know what it's like.
- I now recognise that his rages and suicidal tendencies were by no means in the 'normal' range of behaviour. I recognise that, because of my relationship with my FOO, I dismissed just how bad they were. This was because it felt 'normal' to me to have someone rage one minute and then be loving the next. I now see that this was a dynamic I longed to escape from in my childhood/teens, only to then find myself in the same dynamic in my early 30s.
- Although my ex hurt me deeply, I only feel compassion for him. I recognise the role his FOO played in constructing his 'normal' and I also recognise that his family were largely responsible for our demise. I am not alleviating the blame from him, but it does help me to see that there were bigger dynamics at play here.
- I used to wish I'd find out the truth of what really happened during our breakup some day. Now, although I do still think it would be nice to know, I don't wish for it.
- When I made plans for the future before, there was always a 'I'll show him/his family/new wife' tinge to them. Now I'm making plans for myself, with my needs and happiness in mind and nothing else.
- I used to wish he'd contact me. I don't wish for that anymore.
- I also used to wish him and his new wife would get their karma. Now I recognise that them being in a relationship with each other is karma within itself. Two emotionally unhealthy people who showed desperate behaviour is not my idea of a dream relationship. If it's theirs, then they're welcome to it.
- I am grateful for the lessons I've learnt, and for the fact this break-up has been the catalyst for a massive 'evolution' for me. I've healed past wounds with my dad/mum, I've learnt things like mindfulness and self-compassion. I've become my own best friend. I recognise the positives that have come as a result of the break-up.
- I am genuinely looking forward to the future and 'test driving' this 'new' version of myself. If I managed to achieve what I achieved in my life at the level I was 'vibrating' before, I'm excited to see what I can achieve now.
- Most importantly, I'm so proud of myself. Our break-up was horrific, like many are here. I was lied to and manipulated, not only by him, but his family. I was taunted, too. But I held my head high, went NC from a very early stage, and tried my best to focus on me. I travelled, I blogged, I did the self-work. I never sought out revenge, I never tarnished his name. I didn't abandon my values - if anything, I let them see me through.
- I know what I want from a future partner, and when I think of the kind of person I'm looking for in the future, it makes me feel warm and good inside. I'm thankful that I'm now free to find that person.

It feels really good to share this here. This board has been an amazing part of my recovery and I'll always appreciate all the people who have taken time to reply, share their experiences and pain, and in turn help others heal theirs.

I know from past experience that there will always be mini relapses along the way. For one, I'm heading back to the city my ex and I used to live in soon, and I know that may trigger me. But I've thankfully learnt that the relapses are just part of the process. They enable you to put into practice any tools you've been picking up along the way, and they're all mini milestones. If I have any piece of advice to others going through the process right now is please don't try and rush it. It may feel tempting to at the time (trust me, i sometimes wondered why on earth I was bothering to do all the work), but in the long run it does pay off eventually.

If anyone else has a recovery story to share, I'd love to hear it.

Hopeful

Hi Hopeful,

What a wonderful account of your journey to detachment—so inspiring! Thank you for sharing your process. I can feel the lightness in your words. It warms my heart to read posts like yours.

You have worked hard and deserve to celebrate this new you. I can relate very much to what you have written; I, too, feel like a "new" me. And I'm still changing and growing. It's exciting and at times not easy, but today I can honestly say that I am grateful for the experience.

I hope you will continue to share your wisdom with us. When even one of us lifts out of the FOG and despair of loss, we all benefit.

heartandwhole

 |iiii  |iiii

So happy for u I turned a major corner this week too xxx

 C<||| heartandwhole

Thank you so much! Yes, it definitely wasn't easy, but like you said, it's getting to the point where I'm grateful for the experience. I realise that if I hadn't of evolved the way I have I probably wouldn't see things the way I do (and therefore wouldn't have realised my relationship wasn't always healthy), but likewise, why would I want to be stuck in a dynamic in which I was vulnerable to rages and abuse? This really was the best thing that could have happened to me, and I'm almost shocked that I see it that way now, because I really did love that man.

I will certainly carry on sharing my experience if it helps people for me to do so.

 C<||| cherryblossom

Thank you! And happy to see that you're also reaching your own milestones. These break-ups aren't easy, and I have a lot of compassion for those who go through them.